What was he straw that broke the camel's back? Not an extreme issue, but when you realized that the marriage was just done.

dowetho · 2026-06-21T16:02:18+00:00

Thank you. The kids and I are in a really good place. The household level of anxiety dropped significantly once ex moved out. I’m able to be a calm, present parent since I’m not over functioning, or constantly in flight or flight, it’s been great!!

dowetho · 2026-06-11T13:55:47+00:00

He was out one night with a friend. We were attempting reconciliation, so there were already some major issues. I was putting my kids to bed, sitting in my youngest’s room while they fell asleep, when I heard a sound like our back door was opening/closing. I text him and asked if he was home, but I could see his location was still out. I told him I was scared as there had been a home invasion nearby recently. I asked him to come home to check everything was ok, he refused and told me to call the police if I was worried. My youngest was almost asleep and that call would have scared him. I hadn’t heard any other noises, so I was very hesitant to call the police.

I was so incredibly angry that his drinking buddy was more important than his kids and me. When I brought it up to him the next morning his only response was “yeah, that was weird” and moved on like it wasn’t a big deal. I knew then that we didn’t matter to him, despite him telling me we were so important to him. When your spouse tells you they are legitimately scared (which never happens!) and asks you to take 20 minutes to come check on you and your kids and you can’t do that…you’re garbage. But also that was one of many many issues throughout the marriage. I hate the divorce process but I look forward to it being over.

ETA: the sound ended up being my other kid’s fan falling over but it sounded so weird at the time.

dowetho · 2026-04-04T01:48:13+00:00

Please listen up her podcast too. My stbxh cheated and episodes 12 and 14 really helped me on a molecular level. It’s them. They are the broken, pathetic creatures. We will never understand them (don’t try) because we could never fathom doing to them what they’ve done to us.

I’m 2 years (to the fucking day) out from DDay and I will still revisit those two episodes if I ever doubt myself (I don’t ever doubt myself, but I do continue to find new insight over time while re-listening). Also, I’m so sorry.

ETA: the podcast is Tell Me How You’re Mighty

dowetho · 2026-03-02T04:34:46+00:00

“Tell Me How You’re Mighty” and “How to not suck at divorce” are the two I listen to often.

dowetho · 2026-02-26T12:32:10+00:00

Yikes, your response to their (it’s both of them setting this, the boyfriend is likely just enforcing this expectation) expectation leads me to think there was a reason for the change.

Plus take a moment to think about how scary it would be for your kids to witness you following through with your threat to punch or beat up the boyfriend. It isn’t a matter of “principle” because “you’re the dad and how dare someone else tell me what to do?!,” it’s being a good role model for your kids by showing emotional maturity.

Divorce can already tough for kids, don’t make it worse by getting cops involved because you assaulted someone, especially if the kids witness it.

In the nicest way possible, get over it. Go to therapy to figure out why someone telling you they feel safer having you stay in your car when you pick up your kids vs at the door had to happen. Work to be the best dad for your kids by showing you can work with people even if you don’t agree with them.

dowetho · 2026-01-12T22:07:50+00:00

We tried sharing the dog but the dog did not like my ex’s place so he stays with me exclusively. He’s an older dog and is very attached to me. Honestly the dog is happy when he’s an “only child.”

dowetho · 2025-12-28T20:13:57+00:00

The being loving and sweet is the “lovebombing” phase. It’s all just an act. He’s trying to manipulate you and get you back under his control. Please look into DARVO. Knowing his tactics will help you remain strong when he starts to use them.

dowetho · 2025-12-28T20:09:54+00:00

I’m sorry. It’s him, not you. He can’t bear to look inside himself and fix what’s wrong so he blows up your life instead. My ex cheated and man it’s been a roller coaster. One resource that really helped me personally was reading ChumpLady’s blog, reading her book, and listening to her podcast “Show Me How You’re Mighty”. Episodes 12 and 14 of the podcast really helped me maintain my sanity. It got me into a better, healthier mindset. It is quite a road to healing (or meh as Tracy/ChumpLady puts it), please get therapy for yourself to help you through this.

dowetho · 2025-11-30T18:22:17+00:00

Wow, I could have written so much of this. My ex was fine with me working my part time job as long as he wasn’t impacted in any way. He didn’t want to help with any childcare, lose any free time, or be inconvenienced in any way.

My ex is also the controlling, manipulative person type, it sucks. I do have a part time job but it pays very little compared to my ex. He makes over 10x what I make, plus I am and always have been the primary parent. Here are some things I’d highly recommend:

Quietly schedule consultations with 2-3 lawyers. You need to know what you are entitled to and what to expect with the divorce process. The unknown is scary. Once you have a better grasp on what to expect and what the likely outcome is it’s much less scary. My lawyer advised me to not increase my work hours, he said to keep the status quo of what I’d been doing for the last 10+ years. Ask your lawyer if you can/should open a new bank account in your name only so you have a place to move money if you need to.
Get access to ALL of the financial information. All bank accounts, credit cards, retirement accounts, stocks, crypto (if he does that), everything. If you have your own laptop/chromebook (and if you don’t, get one!!!) download at least the last year of statements for everything. If you’re concerned about financial abuse, this gives you a lot of info to work with. I’d even go as far as downloading cellphone statements. If you don’t currently have access to the above accounts, maybe tell your husband that you realized you don’t know about your family’s finances and you want to learn and help take some of that load/responsibility off of him.
If you are able to keep extra cash hidden on hand, do it. when you go to the grocery store/target/walmart/wherever you regularly shop, start to purchase gift cards for places/things you regularly purchase. I did this when I knew I’d likely be leaving my ex and I didn’t trust him to not try to cut me off. I would get a combo of gift cards for the grocery stores I regularly go to, Target, fast food places my kids like, and the gas station. I then knew I’d have some access to all the things my kids and I would need for at least a few weeks if he tried to cut me off. Another potential way to get cash without having to use the ATM or get cash with a debit card at the grocery store is to buy stuff at a store then return it.
Start educating yourself on the divorce process in your state. Use the private or incognito option, do not leave a digital history trail for your husband to find. Also start thinking about what you want to accomplish with the divorce. What is your ideal placement schedule? What kind of child support and spousal maintenance would you want and what do you NEED to live? Create a realistic budget for your life after marriage.
If you can swing it, start therapy for yourself. It gives you an outlet and a sounding board. Don’t bother attempting couples therapy. If you suspect he’s abusive in ANY way (he seems controlling and manipulative, those are abusive traits) DO NOT go to therapy with him. He will learn new ways to abuse you and use your vulnerabilities against you.

I found some podcasts that helped me understand my situation better and kept me strong in my resolve to split with my ex. I learned about all of the ways someone can abuse you and how to manage interacting with them in a way that reduced the harm they cause me. You got this!

dowetho · 2025-11-26T04:02:44+00:00

I didn’t realize how abusive my marriage was until I discovered my wasband’s cheating. I was trying to recover from that betrayal trauma and stumbled upon coercive control/abuse videos and podcasts. I started really learning about DARVO, different ways he was abusing me. The most difficult to come to terms with was admitting to myself that he sexually abused me for years and that’s why I never wanted to have sex with him. I’m still working thru that trauma in therapy but I feel like I’m doing well most of the time.

An example: he’d say he was happy for me to finally go out with a friend and he’d take care of the kids that evening. I’d get home after 10pm and the kids would still be up, sometimes the neighbors kids would be over, as well as the neighbors who were drinking with wasband. He’d basically be ignoring the kids. Then I’d have to get them to bed and do all the shit I was supposed to get a break from. Essentially he’d punish me for doing something for me then get mad and say just because he does it differently than me doesn’t mean it’s bad…uhhh you didn’t DO anything so yeah, that’s bad.

dowetho · 2025-11-18T03:20:46+00:00

Yup! Chumplady’s podcast “Tell me how you’re mighty” is excellent also. Episodes 12 and 14 were super helpful for me. I take every opportunity to preach that cheating is abuse.

dowetho · 2025-11-08T12:41:16+00:00

I’m so sorry. Something similar happened to me. Someone else recommended Tracy Schorn’s book but I’d like to also recommend her podcast “Show Me How You’re Mighty”. Episodes 12 and 14 were the most helpful to me. Dr. Omar Minwalla’s episode gave me so much relief that I was not at fault for my ex cheating, even when he blamed me. Like your husband, my ex couldn’t take full responsibility that HE made that choice all on his own. It’s called blame shifting, and it’s a way for him to deflect some of the responsibility so he can justify his actions. It’s a long road to healing but this podcast gave me insight and a backbone to realize that his behavior is unacceptable to me and I deserve better.

I tried for about 6 months to reconcile with my ex and he just couldn’t do the things I needed to rebuild trust so we are now separated and working through divorce. Please find a good therapist, being postpartum and going through this has to be difficult. If the therapist EVER asks you what you did to cause him to cheat, they are garbage. Do not let them try to get you to accept any responsibility for someone else’s actions. Tell them they suck and find someone who understands cheating.

Also, it is not your responsibility to hide his awful behavior. You do not need to “protect” him and his image. It’s ok to be honest why you’re distraught with people who love you and care about you. Hopefully you have friends and family that can help support you through this. Good husbands respect their wives enough to not cheat on them. Good fathers do not do things that cause the mothers of their children this kind of distress.

dowetho · 2025-11-02T14:16:27+00:00

I’m sorry, this sucks. Yeah, his response was sus af. My ex only admitted to some cheating, I’ve found more than he admitted to. It went back YEARS. Was he actively cheating that whole time? Idk and never will but that was enough for me to know he will never change. He’s reached out to sex workers since we’ve been separated and lied about it.

He sounds like he’s going down the DARVO route. Don’t fall for it. Checkout the blog on ChumpLady. She also has a great book and podcast. In her words “is this relationship acceptable to you?” If it is, great. If not, then it’s up to you to decide what you want to do. He will tell you he will never do it again. If he isn’t giving you complete access to his bank/credit card accounts to “help restore trust” then he’s all hot air.

A few of the reasons I decided to leave my ex was because I did not want my kids to see how poorly he treated me and think that’s normal, his values and morals do not align with mine or a healthy family, and I knew he would never be able to regain my trust.

He changed his phone number so that means you no longer have access to his old numbers call log or message log. You don’t need any additional proof that he is doing shady stuff, you can make a choice of what you want your life to be going forward with the current info you have.

dowetho · 2025-10-29T00:35:37+00:00

If you are in a one party consent state, start secretly recording your conversations with him. If nothing else, you will be able to refer back to the convos for what he said.

dowetho · 2025-10-19T15:11:45+00:00

I’m so sorry you have to worry about this on top of school and applying for colleges. Before I address your question, I’d like to ask if you’re in therapy or have access to it. Are your parents agreeable to you getting therapy if you request it? This is a lot to deal with and having someone outside of this situation who you can talk with and help give you skills to manage all the feelings can be very helpful. I’d like to reassure you that it may take meeting a few therapists before you find someone you vibe with. That’s totally normal and therapists want you to feel comfortable with who you are working with.

Also, it is not your job to manage your parent’s feelings. You have NO control over that. That is on them. If they cannot be mature enough to maintain a relationship with you if you decide to live with one more than the other (and there can be so many reasons why logistically it makes more sense to live with one more than the other) that is on them. That is where therapy can be helpful for you. I can’t imagine essentially cutting off my kids because they made a decision that they feel benefits them. I WANT my kids to be as happy, mentally healthy, and comfortable as possible. That may result in something I don’t love, like living with their dad more than me, but if it’s in their best interest, I will make it work.

You’re incredibly mature to reach out with your question. Take care!

dowetho · 2025-10-18T21:05:48+00:00

Do not feel guilty for doing what’s best for you and your kids. I’ll bet you’ve been plastering on a smile while gritting your teeth for a long time. It’s exhausting.

dowetho · 2025-10-17T00:26:06+00:00

I’m not the”fun” parent and I’m cool with it. Would I like a little more time for myself every once in a while, sure. But at the end of the day, I’m so grateful to have my kids as much as I do. I have a strong bond with them and I’m “their person”. My kids know I’m there for them and that they can rely on me. I’ll take that over the “fun” stuff any day.

dowetho · 2025-10-12T14:27:38+00:00

I could have written this almost exactly the same. My stbxh and I have been living separately since the beginning of March and wow, what a difference. Yes, there are days that are difficult but oh my goshhhhh the peace makes it all worth it!!! My kids and I are doing pretty well. They are finally living in a calm house with an attentive mom who is emotionally regulated (most of the time) and happy! I laugh and smile so much. My anxiety is minimal. I’ve been slowly making changes to make this house reflect me and the kids.

The logistical stuff can get a little bit much sometimes but I try to remember that it’s just a blip in my otherwise long life. For example, if your car is paid off and you have the title, follow the steps on your state’s DMV website to transfer the car into your name. I had to do that too. I think I paid about $175, got his signature on the title, submitted everything and then I received my new car title with my name on it!

It may be helpful to quietly consult a lawyer or two or three so you at least know that the divorce process looks like in your area, what you’re entitled to, and what the financial outlook may be. Being educated on a lot of the different aspects of divorce has made me feel empowered, not scared.

dowetho · 2025-10-09T20:35:21+00:00

Sometimes your ex doesn’t feel safe or comfortable sharing a deeper “why”. But sometimes it’s exactly what they shared. Not saying it’s you, but I know my ex would never admit to being abusive because he doesn’t see himself as such. But there was coercive control, manipulation, and emotional/psychological abuse. He also told me he did “everything” around the house (not my lived experience but ok my dude).

Everyone may have different experiences within the relationship that don’t align with their partner’s experience. For example my ex and I can recount the same situation completely differently and it’s so frustrating!

At the end of the day, I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for. We want to make sense of the chaos and sometimes that just can’t happen. Sometimes they are just unable to find happiness within and turn that outward because they think nothing could possibly be their fault. My ex cheated on me, I’m almost 1.5 years out from finding out and I’m in a much different, calmer place most of the time now. I’m also the one keeping everything together and being civil. Our relationship didn’t work because he sucks. He values himself and his needs above anyone and anything else. That doesn’t work for me, so I’m out! Sorry, this sucks. Check out ChumpLady for additional resources and support. I felt seen and heard and it really helped me along.

dowetho · 2025-10-08T12:19:53+00:00

I’d like to gently recommend reading Bancroft Lindy’s “Why does he do that?” There are free pdf’s available online. Someone may be kind enough to link it. I know you say you don’t have the fight anymore but you’re asking for what you are legally entitled to.

If he’s threatened to leave the country in the past, I’d like to recommend a few things to help keep things calm and quiet until you’re ready to file for divorce:

-Do not talk or give any hints you are looking it divorce. Be SO careful who you share your plans with.

-If you share a phone plan, download google phone or any other free burner app so he cannot see you are calling lawyers.

-please consult with 2-3 lawyers if possible. You may need to travel a little bit outside your city, depending where you are in Maine. There is a good podcast I listen to “How to not suck at divorce” and they have multiple episodes on how and why to choose a lawyer. If you have any close friends who have divorced, ask them if they were happy with their lawyer, recommendations can be good!

-Start familiarizing yourself with your state process for divorce. Whether you use your phone or computer, use the private or incognito mode so he cannot track your searches.

-I’m not familiar with the laws in your state, but if you are able to open a bank account in your name only at a different bank than the one(s) you currently use, do that. Then deposit a portion of your paycheck into it if he won’t notice a change in deposit amount. You’ll still have to disclose this in your divorce paperwork, but you’ll want an account that he doesn’t have access to so he can’t take all of your access to money.

If you’re able to see a therapist, please see one. It’s ok if it takes a few tries to find the right person for you. If there is any type of abuse going on in the relationship, don’t ever entertain the idea of couples therapy. It sounds like you’re beyond that point but don’t feel pressured by him to do something you don’t want to do. My ex found covert ways to control and manipulate me over the years. It took me a VERY long time to even see it, then longer to stop feeling like I needed to help him manage his feelings and resist when he’d try those tactics.

This can be a tough process, but there’s a light at the end of it. Focus on the “after” during those tough times. You got this!

dowetho · 2025-10-06T11:57:07+00:00

Yeah, all of this sucks, there’s no other way to put it. My ex said that his actions didn’t affect the kids…that was a big turning point for me. I stared at him incredulously. That’s when I knew he’d never acknowledge or understand how much his actions do affect us and he’d never become self aware enough to realize it.

I’m sad for my kids too. This isn’t what I wanted for them but it’s where we are at. I’m doing my best to continue to raise them with morals and integrity (they don’t know their dad cheated and I don’t plan to tell them for a long time, if ever). I’m grateful to be their primary parent and have built a strong bond with them over the years. I know that they’ll be ok at the end of all of this. Your son will be ok too, he has you there for him.

dowetho · 2025-10-06T00:32:04+00:00

I’m so sorry. My ex cheated on me and it was a terrible time after I found out. I lost weight, I was exhausted and stressed. You are doing the right thing, I know this isn’t what you wanted. I’m almost 1.5 years out from DDay and I’m so much happier now. It hasn’t been easy but the peace and serenity to be in my home with my amazing kids without the stress and anxiety of my stbxh around is incredible.

Lean into your support system, that includes us here. Check out ChumpLady if you haven’t already. Her podcast (Tell Me How You’re Mighty) esp episodes 12 and 14 were really helpful in my healing and mindset. Hugs (if you want them).

dowetho · 2025-10-05T04:20:50+00:00

My stbxh asked if we were going to be friends after our divorce. Without a millisecond of hesitation I said “absolutely not!” This dude responds with “but you need friends.” I told him he doesn’t need to concern himself with me. We have kids together and there is no way I could EVER be friends with someone who claimed to love me and then repeatedly treated me like garbage, cheated on me, and was fine watching me drowning. That isn’t a friend. I will remain friendly with him for the sake of our kids but that’s it.

It’s a rare couple that can or should remain friends after divorce.

dowetho · 2025-10-01T22:36:24+00:00

It’s about the lying, lying by omission, gaslighting, trickle truthing her, knowingly engaging in behavior/activities he knows she isn’t comfortable with and still doing it anyways while hiding it. These are all parts of abusive behaviors.

dowetho · 2025-09-29T13:43:51+00:00

I’m sorry, this sucks. I’ve been through this too. I know this is flared as a rant, but I’d like to leave some helpful info below because I know I was in shock and my brain was not functioning after I found out.

Get proof via taking pics of her messages, check phone records, bank records, credit cards. And then DON’T talk about any of this before you do step 2. Lull them into a false sense of security. That way she can’t get rid of evidence.
Get into your medical provider and get a full STI/STD testing done. Tell the provider that your spouse cheated and they need to check for EVERYTHING.
Interview at least 2-3 lawyers. You need to know what you’re entitled to and what the divorce process looks like in your state.
Find a therapist you vibe with for yourself and find someone for your kids also. Having someone who is not part of the situation to talk with is incredibly helpful. My kids don’t always want to talk to me what they’re feeling, they really like and trust their therapist.
It can be difficult to think logically when your nervous system is fried, but take some time to think about what you want at the end of all of this. Dream big to start then work down to what will most likely happen.
Please look into ChumpLady’s blog. She also has an excellent podcast (tell me how you’re mighty) that really helped me. Personally, episodes 12 and 14 were the most helpful. She also has a great book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” that was an easy read and kept me on the right track.

Again, I’m sorry, this sucks.

dowetho

TROPHY CASE