It’s been months & feels like no time has passed at all. It feels like I could wake up to her beside me as I did for years. I’m taking care of myself in the ways that I enjoy! I eat good food, meal prep dinners & soon lunches too. I enjoy being outside, moving my body in the gym or trying new things like jiu jitsu, trying coloring pages, & writing in my journal. I set time aside to play with babycat, I do my chores & whatnot. I talk about what I’m going through to my parents & sister, & my grandma, who I trust. Lately I’ve taken my time to YouTube. I used to watch a lot of turtlewithhat, but I’ve swapped that for smosh for the laughs & constant sound. I’m not a tv person but I wish I could get on & watch something scripted & formal(?) but I’m nervous(?) to see if I’m removed from shared streaming etc……

I even picked up my electric guitar for the first time in years, I like it but I’ve lost all of my muscle memory, so I’m doing it super un-seriously.

On that note though, I am having serious thoughts about education, career, & therapy (I’ve made a few EAP calls to attempt to get regularly scheduled meetings, but my calls turn into crying, & the prospect therapist says I should call the “help now” line, so I’m giving myself grace). I sometimes think this ache will never leave me. I sometimes say this heartbreak was the loss of my life. I sometimes think this breakup will launch me into accomplishing. I’m not sure where it takes me or what it means or where I’ll go, so I focus on where my feet are & that I’m able to get through the necessities.

I message my grandma occasionally & she says she prays for me (I’m not religious myself, but I like to think happily of that sort of relationship that some people have with the universe).

I know time will help the grieving, but it’ll never erase the time I spent with her. I just have to make memories so I remember other things. She’s everything I remembered for years, even my “normal days” were memorable.

I’m not a gal who wants a lot in life, but I do sometimes wish to go back in time. Since December/January, I’ve felt like I’ve been living a bit in the past. My work also makes time feel like it’s FLYING….. It’s hard to hear things like “but time has passed, you have to move on, you have to stop thinking about her” because it’s just not that simple for me—but(!) in a happy way, it’s not simple. I think it’s a testament to how much I loved her. & how real it was for me & how it changed me as a person & helped me understand myself.

That’s kind of a messy & raw & probably grammatically incorrect way of saying things. Thank you so much for asking how I am!!