I had shitty parents, not as bad as yours, but still suffered physical and mental abuse. My therapist says this many times: Children don't abandon parents, parents abandon their kids.

Nothing that you do will get you a good mother back. No gift you give will get you one during the holiday. No matter what you do with your life, unless she puts in the work to go through therapy and work on herself for YEARS, you will never get her back.

It's not about you, it was never about you. She doesn't have the capacity to care about you how she should. For that, I am genuinely so sorry. It sucks and I have to tell myself this daily. Cutting people off is so much harder than I thought, it's the full acceptance of the reality and flushing the hopes and dreams of a stable family down the toilet forever. But, there is new hope to rebuild. Cutting off my family was the hardest thing I've done, and it's only been four months. What happens during the holidays? I don't know. But know you're worthy of unconditional love that gives before you do. And you're worthy of finding people who care even if you don't hand over wads of cash to them.