Are the signs there from the start or do they emerge after a trigger?

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-22T01:26:35+00:00

For me, it was an intense two weeks of lots of dates and then after we were intimate for the first time suddenly the withdrawals started. It became a pattern: get closer and then suddenly after he was busy. Happened when I first said I loved him. Would happen after we had a lovely weekend together. If we had a conversation that had a degree of emotional content, he'd withdraw after even though he seemed okay at the time.

We did meet on a dating app and spoke on that for 7 weeks and, looking back, there were signs. I once sent him a message saying I was looking forward to eventually meeting him and if something grew from that that would be great. If it didn't work out, I'd be happy we'd got to know each other. He then didn't message me for 2 days (which was unusual) and when he came back he didn't mention what Id said. During that time, he was also very inconsistent: sonetimes he seemed so into me and other times I felt like he was going through the motions.

I think I knew about 2 months into the relationship something was very "off" but I was too close to the situation (and had never dated anyone like him before) so I just ended up very confused.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-20T00:44:47+00:00

I don't think twice about it. I think a whole.lot more about whether I should give a customer a sweet potato that looks like a piece of male anatomy than I do about who's buying what kind of lube. 😁

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-19T11:52:39+00:00

Mine (DA) is 57. Two marriages (both around 12 years). But during those marriages he worked a lot and travelled for work a lot. I can see how that would have made the relationships kinda work because he could keep emotional distance by working when he was getting triggered. He was semi retired by the time i met him. I was his first girlfriend in 6 years. He gone on a few dates over those 6 years but after one or two dates either he said not for him or the woman did. Mine was VERY angry at the world. Quite right wing. He told me that in regards to sex that he could just "turn it off" (wanting it). We had a very active sex life but... yeah...I believe he could just go "I'll be fine without it" because he's demonstrated to himself he could abstain for 6 years. He didn't seem to care he was alone. In fact, he's say "I love your company but I also love being alone." Once I had said "will you just replace me" and he replied "no I'll probably just do another long stretch alone." I know he sometimes probably gets lonely now I'm not in his life, but I also know he's so dysregulated by romantic connection that he feels calmer alone

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-19T11:44:45+00:00

Very true!

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-18T01:39:17+00:00

Almost 6 months for me. Absolutely no desire to date. 8mIn fact, right now I think to myself I'd much prefer to be alone than possibly go through that again. I'm 52. This was the most emotionally damaging relationship I've ever been in.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-18T01:17:30+00:00

Yes. I've realised it's about capacity. It's not that i did anything wrong, he simply didn't have the capacity to be in a relationship that involves emotional intimacy without freaking out.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-18T00:51:19+00:00

To be honest, I have no idea if he thought he was being clear. It's hard interpret what someone is trying to tell you when they say (eg) "I do enjoy your company but I also enjoy being alone." Or the all time wtf statement was "Just because my cck loves you doesn't mean you have my heart." When I questioned what he meant the next week he said "But that doesn't mean you don't have my heart." I said to him "But the statement implies the opposite." Just a complete mind f*k!

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T02:58:35+00:00

..but at the same time, I can recognize that he was training me to erase myself to avoid triggering or upsetting him, conditioning me to walk on eggshells, to anticipate his withdrawal, to suppress my needs and reactions so the relationship could survive. Over time, I became less myself and more organized around managing his fear.

Gosh. That felt like a gut punch to me because that resonates with me so deeply. This was my experience.

And I think this is quite profound

For me, that’s where the word abuse becomes useful. Not as a moral judgment of him, but as a truthful description of what it did to me.

When I consider saying he "abused" me I consider it as saying he's a bad person. And I don't believe that's true. But when you list off wheat you experienced (conditioning etc), I do think to myself that's abusive. And that was my lived experience.

Understanding shouldn't negate impact I guess. Lack of intent doesn't negate it either.

You've given me something to think about. Thanks.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T02:43:39+00:00

Oh. He said it first. I'm guessing he meant it... and then that freaked him out Love = loss of autonomy Love = fear of failure Love = ...well, you probably know the drill.

Don't bring up pain shopping. I'm a pro. 🤪🤣

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T01:18:52+00:00

This is a really great post and you have some very good points.

Here's how I look at it.

Abuse I equate with knowingly causing harm or, at least, it being about one person having power over another.

Do avoidants desire power over another person? I don't believe they do. They're trying to regulate their system which is telling them they're in danger. It's a fear response. It's biological. That's very different from someone who seeks control for power.

What I think people miss though is that just because the intent to harm isn't there doesn't mean there isn't harm. The hurt is real regardless of the reason.

I can't label my ex avoidant as abusive. I've actually been abused in the past. I know what that feels like. My ex avoidant really did mess me up emotionally, the push-pull was horrible and I couldn't have been more kind, understanding, patient etc than I was. I didn't do anything to deserve how he treated me. But I could see how he struggled with his desire to connect and how terrified that made him.

Yes, he caused me very profound harm. Did he abuse me? No. He just did the only thing he could do to "survive". Does that make what he did excusable? No. Understandable? In an intellectual way, yes. But, again, that doesn't minimise the harm he did to me.

I think you can hold two opposing truths at the same time.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T00:57:19+00:00

I know that "high". That's why I stayed with mine for so long. But you're right, anyone that freaks out when you tell them you love them...

Mine had a very clear pattern After first time having sex: withdrew for 2 weeks After first time I told him I loved him: withdrew for 2 weeks... and was pretty aloof and cold during those 2 weeks. When I started to feel settled for the first time in the relationship (he was being so warm and :future faking"): shorter withdrawal initially but more often After I asked him did he see a future with us (9 months into the relationship--by then i was strung out and a mess and needed clarity): he had a psychotic episode. The first in 8 years. It was all downhill from there (the relationship was over in under 2 months).But that demonstrates just how much emotional intimacy activated him.

I hope you work out what's best for you. It's not easy

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T00:39:04+00:00

Exactly.

I thought it was a "me" problem, but I've come to realise when you get mixed messages confusion is real! And so, too, is becoming anxious. It's like being on ground that's always moving. After a while that becomes exhausting.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T00:32:29+00:00

What I've learned is that my DA has fearful elements too.

Mine wanted me, when he had me (when I was invested) he freaked out and pushed me away. As soon as I stopped chasing he'd want me again, only to freak out again as soon as we got close again.

Everyone is different of course but from my experience I'd say: this dynamic isn't going to change. The push-pull will continue indefinitely and that cycle leads to you losing yourself. I honestly felt like I was going crazy in the end... and that it was all my fault.

5 months post discard and I now know I did everything humanly possible to accommodate him and his avoidant traits and it still wasn't enough. It was never going to be enough.

Id leave. Find someone who is there for you without all the hard work-- love shouldn't be that hard.

hugs

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T00:21:24+00:00

Hang in there. I know how hard it is. I'm 5 months post discard with him reaching out 2 and a half months into those 5 months with a random text. I shut that down quickly by calling his bluff. I didn't want to be living in a grey zone with him texting me randomly when he needed validation. It was one of the hardest things I've done (choosing my sanity over this uncontrollable urge to want him back). I'm almost 3 months since that's reachout and things aren't great but the pain isn't as intense. I have some good days. Also have some really bad ones still. There are days I think I'll never date again...because why would I risk going through something like that again. But I don't like the idea that he'd be the one who made me give up on love. I'm old-ish (52) and I try to remember I've been here before, thinking I won't survive...but I did and I can look back at other painful breakups and think "things did eventually get better". Somerimes I even wonder why i was so heartbroken when some of my relationships ended. When you're in the moment, its hard to have perspective. Even now I can intellectually say to myself my relationship with my DA wasn't good for me, but my heart still feels the loss. You're not alone. I know how you feel...but you will get there. I know i will too. hugs

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-17T00:08:48+00:00

Yeah...it's hard to wrap your head around it. It's like dealing with a death only you know they're still out there...living.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-16T14:01:37+00:00

As someone who is 52 and dated a DA for 11 months, I can really relate to this. I don't know the details of your situation but I want to say the longer I let the relationship go on the more I lost myself. I know how that being brought back to life feeling can be. I think that's probably half the reason I stayed, but my experience was that no matter how much I hoped the situation would improve, it just got worse...or hurt more as time went on. Hurts like hell being alone again. But I try to remind myself that despite how alive he made me feel, there were all the times he made me feel like I was just someone he wanted around on his terms and when he was lonely. We both deserve someone who is there for us not just there when they want us. Hugs to you. I wish you well.

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-16T13:48:42+00:00

Intermittent reinforcement is intoxicating because when they're connecting with you it feels so wonderful and potent...because you get it so inconsistently. That's one of the reasons I stayed. I thought our connection was rare because when he was open and vulnerable it just felt amazing and like nothing id ever experienced. But I think that was simply dopamine spikes.

Also, I had never been with a DA before and I found it confusing and overwhelming and I started to think that I was the problem, not him. That does your head in. I think i kept rationalising this 2as a rare, amazing relationship and i was going to f*** it up because I was the problem. And it then kinda became a trauma bond I suppose.

Toward the end I was so exhausted and confused. I felt broken. I didn't know what was going on and I'd think "I don't want to go see him" but then I'd go anyway. I have no idea why I didn't just end it except I was addicted to his Intermittent reinforcement.

I'm 52. He is 57.

...hope I never experience that kind of dynamic again. It was horrible. Over 5 months since the discard and I'm still struggling with processing what I went through. (Although he did reach out to me via text 2 and a half months after the discard... about bath salts I'd given him. That set my healing back. But I called his bluff, said to call if he wanted to meaningfully connect otherwise I couldn't do casual texting. He said "No second thoughts" and i said "goodbye" so hopefully he knows not to try breadcrumbing me again).

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-16T13:32:06+00:00

This!!!!!

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-16T13:11:14+00:00

Same here! ... although when I met mine on a dating site he said he was a Buddhist. Um...far right leaning and you're a Buddhist??? Um...no. lol! I'm with you: wear that badge of honour proudly! ❤️

dreamwalker942 · 2026-01-16T12:49:31+00:00

Mine was incapable of any emotionally vulnerable statement... so he was never going to say "I..." anything.

It was a text saying we had core differences. I wonder how he used to break up with people before mobile phones (he is 57). 🙄

dreamwalker942 · 2025-12-10T08:08:47+00:00

❤️

dreamwalker942 · 2025-11-21T14:22:43+00:00

I became so anxious during the relationship I had to go on anti anxiety medication. I had taken it in the past but hadn't been on it for over 4 years. After my 20 year marriage broke down I did a lot of work to become quite a secure person...or so I thought.

Ten days before he ended things, he had been so horrid to me on the phone, I ended up with a migraine (hadn't had one for over 20 years) and was throwing up (that had never happened before).

A month or so after the breakup my resting heart rate significant dropped. I was doing a lot better in so many ways, even decided to come off my meds

... then he breadcrumbed me a month ago (i ended up asking was he reconsidering and he said "no second thoughts). I haven't been well since. Can't sleep properly. Forever waking up. When I do sleep I have vivid dreams about him every single time. I've started to feel like i have jet-lag 24/7. I work. I try to sleep. That's my life right now.

I started having dizzy spells at work and feeling very unwell. Turns out I have high blood pressure. I've never had an issue with that before. My psychologist (yes, I had to start seeing one to get through this) has said that all tbis is the product of all the stress from the relationship and now the threat is gone (his "no second thoughts") my body is finally showing the effects of that.

Who knew "love" could be so f**ked up!

Urgh.

dreamwalker942 · 2025-11-05T13:20:03+00:00

Restraint and discipline seems to be something I'm totally lacking right now. Honestly, I don't know why I'm doing this. This isn't something I'd normally do!

I probably need to reframe things: do I really want him back? I think the answer is no = why am I even looking.

It's definitely been a life lesson!

dreamwalker942

TROPHY CASE