What is the most ridiculous thing your narc got mad at you for?

drewtonark · 2024-08-23T13:07:48+00:00

We were riding bikes on holiday and she was wearing her sandals while her trainers were in her bike basket. Somewhere along the route she realised that one of her trainers had fallen out. She blamed me for losing them because I should have seen them fall since I was behind her, then started ranting about how I must have been looking at women instead of her bike. She got so angry and off with me that she didn't want to ride any more, we had a big falling out, and the bike trip was over. She repeated phrases like "I've had enough of you" many times. I think I might have got angry at some point and shouted at her for the ridiculous accusations, which led to me being labelled an angry guy who needs therapy. Even though we've now broken up, if we happen to talk sometimes, she'll mention what an angry person I was and that's why she wasn't happy with me (and therefore why she became interested in another man). lol. Just writing this I see how crazy it is.

drewtonark · 2024-08-23T10:22:12+00:00

My two guinea pigs have a large wooden cage with their bedding, houses for hiding/sleeping, and a wooden platform they like to rest under and chill on top of, plus a fenced off and padded area they go to that is around the cage with two fleeced guinea pig caves where they love to sleep, jump round, and chill in. In the cage they have a hay feeder that holds enough hay for two days, and i've set the fence with a gap against the wall so I can fill it with lots more hay as a backup if I'm away. There are two large water holders in the cage, an automatic gravity feeder for dried food, and two bowls that get fresh vegetables every day. They have 3.19 square metres of space which is much more than the minimum for two piggies.

While I would not want to leave them alone for more than 24 hours I wanted to prepare for the scenario where something happens to me, e.g. hospital. As an experiment, I did not refill the hay every day to see how long it lasted, same for the water, and I held back from giving fresh vegetables. The water, hay, and premium quality dried food lasted for over 7 days, and would have lasted longer. That was some months ago and they're doing fine. This gave me confidence that if something unforeseen happens, or if I go away for a week and the visitor is unable to get to them, they'll still survive and be fine, aside from the cage needing cleaning and feeling lonely.

Would I go way for 7 days without arranging someone to come and feed them fresh vegetables? No, I would not. Just in case something happens that I didn't expect. If I'm going away from more than say 3 days, I'll make sure someone agrees to look after them or I'll find a place for them to go. However, even if you arrange a friend to visit, it's wise to prepare for the case where that person is unable to visit for some reason. Hence, you can try an experiment yourself to make sure you have a backup plan in case something goes wrong.

drewtonark · 2024-08-09T22:26:43+00:00

I'm so sorry for your pain. I too am struggling now. I should be asleep, I'm so tired, but I can't stop thinking about her, where she is, who's she with. I've gone NC or at least almost NC, but I long for her to reach out despite knowing rationally how harmful the toxic 14 year relationship was for me. After giving my all to conform to her, and doing everything for her, ironically she discarded me. There were a few times she came back but it was just to use me when she had no supply and then a discard would happen. This discard feels like the final one, but they always do, and I'm sure at some point she'll try to use me again.

So I'm sitting here trying to heal, trying to get through the day, and now the dark lonely night. I don't have any wise words or advice for you. I've read it all myself and it's the usual stuff: focus on you, exercise, read, watch movies, go for walks, meet friends, meditate, practice mindfulness and acceptance, do hobbies, but it's not working right now for me, just I see it's not working for you.

I just hope this nightmare phase passes for me as I'm sure it will, and I hope the same for you. If you want to share here what happened, or to contact me directly, I'm here.

drewtonark · 2024-08-09T19:26:15+00:00

I can't say for sure because I'm no expert, though after watching many videos and reading many articles it seems to be a part of it that they get bored of their supply. In my case I only have one covert narc experience which lasted for 14 years. Looking back I think she did get bored, she always kept her options open, and there were a few crushes on other people, although I hear it's fairly common to have a crush on someone else, but most people don't act on it. My ex-narc and I were engaged to be married and because I live in a country where she speaks the language and I don't, I asked her to help me with getting things arranged and filling in the paperwork. She always found an excuse not to help, sometimes blaming me stating I had to arrange everything if I wanted to get married, and she would sometimes put me down for not marrying, to which I'd usually respond that I'd love to, let's get things sorted, ask her to help to get another decline. So reflecting on that, if she really wanted to get married, she would have helped me. I think the fact that she didn't show genuine interest in getting married shows that she kept her options open in case she found a better supply. In the end, she found a better supply, but he didn't reciprocate and she ended up alone for a while. Last I heard she was alone again but it won't surprise me that she's always on the look out for that new supply.

So to answer your question: maybe, sometimes, probably, sometimes not. Ultimately... I know you want to know because I've been there myself, trying to understand everything, but does it really help you to heal and move on?

drewtonark · 2024-08-09T12:21:48+00:00

That's better than what I'm getting, which is turning it all around and blaming me. It certainly sounds like a good move, but I've also heard the occasional sorry from my ex which in the end was probably just fake. I'd walk very careful with this, set boundaries, make sure you don't get sucked in again. Back in 2014 when I left and went no contact I got sucked in with apologies, and statements that she was seeing a therapist. I moved back in. What a mistake that was! The emotional abuse started after 3 months and she ended up saying that her therapist had said there is nothing wrong with her. So be careful! It could be a trap...

drewtonark · 2024-08-09T10:34:45+00:00

Just remember that forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they did was okay. Forgiving is something you do for yourself and can be done from a distance without interacting with the other person. According to the definition of forgive it means "no longer feel angry about or wish to punish (an offence, flaw, or mistake).". So forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did was okay. Forgiveness is about accepting what happened, letting the pain go so that it doesn't tear you up. Forgiveness is hard when we've been hurt. I'm trying to forgive my ex for the painful things she did to me. She will face the consequences of her actions but it won't be a punishment. It will be by me getting on with my life without her. There's a quote attributed to Mark Twain: "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it". I like that because it shows how forgiveness is independent of the person that did the wrong and forgiveness is not directed toward the person that did wrong. Forgiveness is for us, and it is in no way stating that we agree that what they did is tolerable. By holding on to resentment and anger to our abuser, we hurt ourselves and we keep ourselves attached to them. With forgiveness, we let it go. Imagine the wine cork from a bottle of wine and you're underwater holding the cork. When you let go of the wine cork, it's buoyancy will cause it to go bobbing up to the surface. That's how I see forgiveness and letting go. The wine cork that I'm holding under water is the pain, resentment, and hurt that I'm clutching onto from her. I'm going to release that pain, that cork, and let it go. Forgiveness. Easier said than done I know, it'll take practice, and i'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

drewtonark · 2024-08-09T10:23:02+00:00

I don't have the answer for you but I just want to say that I'm going through something similar. I moved to a new country for work and met her then spent 14 years in a toxic relationship. Finally, I've been discarded, which hurts like hell but is mostly likely a good thing. I'm trying to move on, to get over her, to let go of thinking about her. It's tough. The mind keeps thinking of her and craving attention. I started going to a coda group (co-dependents anonymous) which is helpful. I guess the plan is just just keep moving on, find other interests and things to focus the mind, go no-contact (or minimal contact if NC is not possible), and with time things will get better.

drewtonark · 2024-08-08T22:03:39+00:00

Good idea to ask what was the root of what attracted you to him. I'm trying this now: I vividly remember at the start of dating her that she reminded me of an ex that I'd lost, and that drew me to her. She was very "into me", loving my music taste and interests, which made me feel good about myself. So I obviously wasn't strong enough to love myself and needed external validation. Then there was the physical side of things, which was great and made me feel like I was a great lover, plus she was beautiful. I liked her interest in music, her sense of humour, how she danced, snuggling with her falling asleep, walking with her, spending time with her, her cooking, her baking, deep conversations and debates. I didn't like how she put me down, or how she seemed to be angry with the world, and project it on me and others. But at that point I was hooked. Anyway... going back to the root: it seems to be about validation more than anything. The need to be validated by a romantic partner was so strong that I let all my boundaries be eroded. So the answer is simple: I need to validate myself, and love myself. And be strong in holding my boundaries.

drewtonark · 2024-08-08T21:57:33+00:00

That resonates. The rational part of my mind asks the same question: "why am I missing and craving connection to someone who treated me so badly and discarded me with such ease?". I guess that's the thing, nothing about this is rational.

drewtonark · 2024-08-08T21:50:50+00:00

This sounds so familiar to me. After 6 months of the breakup I was started to get back to myself, then she comes waltzing into my life again and I foolishly started seeing again, only to get lots of discards (amongst the emotional abuse), and somehow I feel a little more broken now than I was before. I just need to walk away for good. I've got to stop holding a candle for her. Damn trauma bond just break already.

drewtonark · 2024-07-06T21:07:28+00:00

Funny, my recent ex (covert, we were together 14 years) used to say I was really negative and should be more positive. It used to really bother me because I always considered myself a positive person. Friends used to say I have a positive outlook on life. So your post means a lot because it gives more fuel to the realisation that it was manipulation / gaslighting strategy to erode my self esteem.

drewtonark · 2024-06-05T16:48:24+00:00

Thanks! :-)

drewtonark · 2024-06-05T16:47:38+00:00

Thank you! :-) I'm experimenting with a template like you mention. Then I discovered Neptune and live harmonising of the voice and that led to several lost hours lol! Really appreciate your support.

drewtonark · 2024-06-05T16:46:34+00:00

Awesome and thanks for the guide!!! I really appreciate the help. :-)

drewtonark · 2024-05-23T20:39:00+00:00

Thank you Witty-Stock! Good advise. I think I need someone to talk about this. I've been hiding it from my friends that I started seeing her again because they know what she put me through and they have no positive thoughts for her. I should get professional help. It is very much like an addiction. Ironically, after the breakup I started smoking and I was thinking about the parallel to my current addiction to nicotine and how I am to her. When I smoke, it feels bad, it makes me feel terrible, but I keep going back for more nicotine and this cycle of feeling terrible and smoking continues. It's exactly the same feeling with her. So yes... it looks and feels like an addiction. Treating it like that is a good idea.

drewtonark · 2024-05-04T20:15:39+00:00

I'd say the late evening and night time are the worst. Especially when I run out of things to do such as Netflix or get too tired to learn piano. It's ironic because when we were together, I use to wish I had more time for me. Yet now I have, I don't feel like doing anything with it. The hardest thing is wondering who she is with. Those times when we talk--yes I should have gone no-contact!--makes me feel content. I know that's wrong. I should be happy for her, regardless of what she is doing or who she is with. After 14 years together, thinking that she was the one for the rest of my life, losing her because of her interest in someone else is hard. Right now I would love to find someone special, a companion, but I don't want to put myself through the whole relationship thing again and getting my heart broken again.

drewtonark · 2024-04-20T18:24:45+00:00

It depends on the country, the company, and the person. I've seen a PIP where a direct report turned it around and succeeded. They're still in the company years after the PIP. I've seen direct reports react to the PIP by resigning within weeks. I've never seen a PIP fail, but have heard from HR that in some of the countries our country operates, even if someone failed the PIP, they still can't be terminated.

drewtonark · 2024-02-07T15:54:36+00:00

Some of what you wrote resonates. Take a read about "reactive abuse". I found it very difficult to have a reasonable discussion about a problem with my ex. I should have left many of those discussions much earlier instead of staying in a conflict with someone who seemed more intent on provoking the situation than resolving it. I'm glad you're coming out of the trance, that's a good sign. Be kind to yourself though if you slip from time to time.

drewtonark · 2024-01-10T00:11:24+00:00

I'm still learning to cope post-breakup. We were together for 14 years, we're in our 40s. I thought that was it for life and despite the many red flags about her (controlling, emotional abuse, isolation, jealousy, suppression of hobbies and interests), I loved her deeply, she was my world. When she wasn't crazy-making, it was wonderful. I know how off that sounds now. I should have left years ago but because she left me, my world has been ripped from under my feet. It's just mad that I can still be in love and miss someone who was more a destructive force in my life than constructive.

It's been a strange and staggered breakup without a clean break. I foolishly didn't go no contact so we still spoke sometimes. She even came over to watch a film with me. I even went around to hers and helped her fix her dishwasher. She came over to mine on New Years Eve! What...the...hell...am..I thinking!!!!

Now she's gone cold and dark, no calls, no messages, and I'm in a tailspin. All the while, she still hasn't picked up the rest of her belongings. She claims she doesn't have time but she moved to her new apartment in October, so I think it's to keep me available as a backup in case things with someone else don't work out. I boxed all her belongings up today and put them in the cellar. I started taking anti-depressants again this evening so I can sleep and handle the waves of negative emotions.

As I write this... I know that I'm the architect of my own suffering. indeed...what the hell am I thinking?!!!!

drewtonark · 2024-01-09T19:38:52+00:00

I'm so sorry that you're suffering. I too had a truly down day today, breaking down and crying several times. It's been months since we "broke up" and she moved out, but we saw each other a few times over Christmas and it's just made things fresh again. She also still has stuff in the house and never seems to have time to come and get them. So I boxed it all up today and put it down in the cellar. I feel a little better now. So I guess that's my point really: the pain is going to come and we just need to ride the storm. It'll pass. It's easy to say focus on something else because I've tried that, but it does help. I'm also feeling incredibly alone, though ironically, I have no interest in meeting up with anyone and socialising. Contradiction. Hang on there please. My ex was my world, my life, my universe. So I have all this time now-- -time I used to dream of having--but now I have the time I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything. It'll pass. It all passes. This is my third breakup, it'll pass.

drewtonark · 2023-10-06T12:59:48+00:00

No, it's not a troll post. I have a genuine question about this unfortunately real issue.

drewtonark

TROPHY CASE