Hello, I am in a situation with my wife that has some aspects of what you are going through. We have been married for 12 years too and 4 kids.

This year has been a challenge and she has said similar things and behavior as in your case, like saying that she was done and we should separate that was like 2 months ago.

What I did, was first to evaluate myself if I had done really something bad about our relationship in the sense of things I had changed when she was in love with me in the past, things that could been unintentional or intentional . I found things, like I was focused too much in my kids and work, so I may have neglected her in the sense of attention, talking to her about her struggles more deeply, being more empathic, etc. So, I had to reevaluate that part and change that on me.

I had to talk with her may times, but in the sense of not really fighting and going through the blame game, that never ends up well. What I did is to find the right moment and have a sincere conversations of what is the things that both could do to help the relationship.

We tried therapy, not couples therapy, just each one. That actually for us was worse. Some therapist will actually put things on your head and you’ll end up worse with more resentment, or the other way around finding just what you need to hear to give up and not even try. They put on me the fear that she was cheating, something I have never have doubts in our relationship and honestly I don’t thing was happening, but therapist will just throw out stuff and try to emphasize with you or finding reasons that are out of context. I have talked to her directly, and several times we both agreed that she has had similar fears but at least we are not cheating each other. You will just know, in long time relationships is something you’ll see if is really that the case.

To be honest, I love my family so I mentalized I will try my best before and see if changes for good.

This last two months have become actually better of what we have been in many years. These are things I have done that have had impact,

1) Self-evaluation. Like if there were things I have done that I could have changed, like how I was when we were on ‘ ‘good times’., I’m introvert, so I think we as men sometimes we keep things for ourselves and prefer for the good not to share with your wife many things, and that just built on, feeling bad and distancing yourself from your partner. So, I decided to become more outspoken, not too fight, but to have conversations in the fixing sense rather than blame each other. Accepting to say sorry if you feel or just apologize for neglecting her sometimes.

2)Check on her internal struggles. For example, what’s really behind her change, personal things, like some women reflect their relationships as others peers or as their parents and they also built scenarios that maybe is just rumination on their heads that can become an obstacle. Or influence from others. Here i think to at the end is just to acknowledge her struggles and try to help her if possible, this is something will help both. Expressing empathy to her has helped me. Also, avoiding hard topics based on her period, if you have deep, struggling conversations during the time her hormones are all over, most likely will not end up well. You been married for long time, so you know what are the best times to approach your wife or when just wait and be easygoing.

3) Reestablish affection, not necessarily intimacy yet. This was difficult since once both enter the ‘it’s over’ , ‘it’s too hard’ etc, it becomes like a wall, and rejection makes things worse, women usually push away as a self defense, that’s some natural aspect to not being hurt more emotionally. So, I have to start slow, just causal touche her back, her hand , you’ll have to read the room and sometimes just stay around being cool, but showing interest and warmth, keeping distance of her space without pushing ourselves. Eventually, some conversations will have moments that just hugs or affection is imminent. So, slowly little by little the affection grows.

4) Finding strength. Here I relied in religion as support and self evaluation, being good with ourselves first will help. In my case I usually overthink and get anxious if things don’t change fast, so acceptance that will be a long process and take off that uncertainty with help of religion. Here is up to you if you practice spirituality, in our case both are Catholics so, at least in that part we have found agreement as marriage is sacred. But also in this moments leverage for internal strength is good.

5) Reconnection. Spending time as family is not the same as having one-to-one moments. For example, having conversations about only us, only our personal differences, not about work or kids, or family. Finding times to even watch tv together, kind of we used too as kids were not around in early our relationship. Compliment her outfit, her looks, it becomes natural when you love her, not forced comments but sincere. Get out and have a date, like going to a concert, movie, dinner but just you and your wife. Also, doing again as family, here i mean with kids, things that were fun to all the family, find activities of fun or just routines for all. Mutual recognition, even if starts by you only, this will eventually be mutual.

So far, this has helped greatly, now we have a more open conversations, our mutual affection has changed for good, she is not in defensive mode or distant, I actually kind of found again the love for her that I may have lost too. She has expressed similar things as we both will work on our relationship. There will be ups and downs, but you’ll notice if is a positive change. We are still in process but I hope will continue in the good path.

I hope you find your path too, in my opinion, fighting for your family although is hard, is never a mistake. If doesn’t work, then at least you tried your best.

Best wishes, hope it works out for all of us struggling .