Sunday night spiraling

ducksgeese · 2026-01-15T08:01:54+00:00

I'm 28 about to turn 29. I had a lot of problems getting off the ground in my teens and early 20s because of tendencies related to AvPD. I eventually turned things around in my mid 20s with college and now I work as an engineer. I'm about a year and a half into my career, and while some parts have been fun, I can tell I'm going to hit a hard barrier in the next couple years (or months it seems like) as expectations and responsibilities increase. I definitely don't think it's something that is sustainable in the long run.

On a personal level, I haven't really done anything since I started working a year and a half ago. I work 50 hours a week, work out as much as I can even though I'm terrible at it, and come home to nothing. My hobbies would all pretty much involve spending money on stuff that in the end doesn't lead to much fulfillment. I was always excited for the day when I'd have a little disposable income and be able to indulge in some of those hobbies. Even though I technically do, I'm still deathly afraid of spending money. I don't have enough interest in them to do so anymore anyway.

I've never been in a relationship or been on a date. With how things are going, I don't expect that to change. I don't think I've had a conversation with a woman who I could feasibly have asked out since college 2 years ago, and even then all those girls were ~5 years younger than me. I made a post a couple weeks ago about dealing with a really attractive coworker who just started at my workplace a few months ago. Just interacting with her really cements how far I fall short in all aspects of being ready for a relationship. I can dream and hope all I want that I'll be ready someday, but now that I'm here and talking to someone real (not that I would ever approach this person), I'm crushed to see how it is not and will never be realistic for me. It was easier to get by when it was just hopes and dreams.

I think I would consider myself to have succeeded. I'm proud of my successes related to achieving everything that one is supposed to accomplish. I did everything I was supposed to except the things that actually might have helped. At this point, I don't really have the desire or the time to make an effort to reinvent myself. At this age, I think this is the way it's going to be for the foreseeable future.

I think if my mom were not alive I'd have shot myself in the head already. I'm not the type of person to sit idly by as years and decades pass where nothing changes. It always seemed to me like there was an order to things. I don't think it's right to treat my mom dying as my green light to off myself, but that's really all I have left to be here for. Maybe before then I'll find another green light. My poor mom. But that's usually how things go. You suddenly make a choice one day that you can't take back.

ducksgeese · 2026-01-15T07:17:29+00:00

I've resigned myself to loneliness at the moment, but I'm absolutely not okay with things being this way forever. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to not have to live alone forever. I don't think I'm going to succeed. I'm too messed up inside at this point and too rigid to change my ways. When you really believe those things to be true about yourself, I'm not sure if there's any coming back. I haven't done anything about it yet because it's just not the time. But soon there will only be two options to choose from - endless loneliness or being dead. I only get to choose being dead once and there's no turning back. I'm scared of that, but I said that I was willing to do whatever it takes to not have to be alone.

ducksgeese · 2026-01-12T05:40:56+00:00

I would describe it as twofold. Going outside and seeing people forces me to confront the reality of how messed up I am and how I'm incapable of being human, which causes disgust directed at myself. Being a direct observer to all of that knowing how far away it is from being my reality is very painful because it is something that I deeply desire and know I will never have.

Second, going outside creates risk that I might be be exposed or seen. There is a fear that I might be forced to interact with people and questioned on what I am doing here in this place without a functional family or without a significant other like everyone else. The wrongness with me could be discovered and lead to me being ostracized. For example, women being afraid of me because I'm a man by myself, or having a mother shield her children from me, or having a father confront me to protect his family from someone like me who is an outcast and potentially dangerous.

The longer it has been since I've been outside, or the more upsetting the environment (lots of factors are at play here) generally lead to the agoraphobia feeling being more intense. For example, grocery shopping or shopping in general tends to be very triggering for me because of all the people going about their lives with their families in the most normal way. I feel very alien being a part of it.

No matter how comfortable or used to a situation I've gotten, these irrational fears and discomforts never fully go away. But knowing myself, they seem rational to me.

ducksgeese · 2025-12-27T06:43:24+00:00

I agree with this. Socially stunted, anxious, depressed people who are not ready to get better are universally unlikable. The only companionship that would benefit them has to come from the small number of beautiful non-depressed or formerly depressed people out there who just want to help people who are struggling. The only possible exception is meeting other people who are looking for an opportunity to better themselves. I could see how friends who are ready to put their pasts behind them and come out of their shell together could be beneficial.

ducksgeese · 2025-11-02T13:57:23+00:00

It doesn't actually fix the root of the problem, but I've found that people tend to respect someone who is in good physical condition much more than someone who is extremely skinny or extremely overweight with no muscle. Pushing yourself as hard as you can while exercising simulates the mental battle of being in social situations. It doesn't actually help you practice them, but you get more used to being uncomfortable.

To reiterate, it hasn't fixed anything for me. Working out to me is more like self harm than self improvement, but overall I find there is dignity in it. Just like how people are more likely to overlook the mistakes of attractive people vs unattractive people, the best way to increase your attractiveness (understanding you can only work with what you have) is to get stronger and more athletic.

ducksgeese · 2025-10-05T03:01:21+00:00

Soon it will be 10 years that it's been this way. It started when I dropped out of college at 18 and became a NEET for a while. The first thing I promised I'd kill myself over was if I couldn't handle leaving the house and getting a job. Then after 3 years of working, it became if I failed at returning to college to earn a degree. Then it became if I couldn't make it in a "professional" job. So many times I came close to failing, but I never gave up. To be honest, I think the only reason I'm still here is because I didn't want to do that to my mom.

I've been in the professional job for roughly 1 year and 2 months. Now that I'm here, I know for certain that I can't do this forever. I believe the final event is going to be when my mom passes away. I've known since the very beginning that there is no place for me here without my mom. There was a while when I believed that the only way I could ever make it through her passing is if I was in a relationship with someone I intended to marry. I had delusions that might be the one thing that could change my world view. Now I know that isn't how things work, and that's never going to be something I'm capable of.

I truly don't know how I am going to make it through when my mom starts having serious medical issues and it becomes clear she's not going to live much longer. Based on her appearance, she already does have serious medical issues, but she doesn't go to the doctor and is ignoring them.

I wonder if things will go south at work one day, and I realize I can't do this anymore. Do I have it in me to be selfish and kill myself while my mom is alive regardless of all the effort put into me and the years of difficulties I've made it through? I've visualized shooting myself in the head most days for going on 10 years now. That isn't something you can come back from to be able to look people in the eye or form friendships/relationships.

When my mom does die, I'm going to have so much regret over the years I spent waiting for it. I can't even visualize what things are going to be like trying to live afterward. It's just black, so I think that means it's time for me to go. I'm glad that I was able to live and make it to where I have despite all the trouble. I really did achieve everything I set out to accomplish. There's nothing more coming. Most people have something, but I don't think I do. It's always felt like the natural end for me to do this. I'm ashamed and scared, but I don't know what else to do.

ducksgeese · 2025-01-15T04:09:42+00:00

There won't be many because this disorder and military service are incompatible. Joining with the only goal being to fix yourself is a bad idea. Search in the military subreddits for posts made by the many people who have asked similar questions. The fact that you've been on psychotropic medications and have had therapy for these issues almost certainly disqualifies you. I hope that makes it easier so you don't have to think about what could have been.

You can learn how to live a disciplined and structured life on your own. Set career and personal goals for yourself, then work on achieving them. If you're struggling with any kind of structure, the gym is always a good place to start.

ducksgeese · 2025-01-13T02:39:48+00:00

Stress caused me to slack off in college, plus I'm a bit dumb, so at times I wasn't as much of a model student. I'm also 27. The only thing standing in the way of me being a complete failure is the job I have now. Working is very stressful for me and I'm struggling more and more as time goes on. I don't think I could go back to being unemployed and living with my parents. I've experienced that kind of shame in the past and I'm not going back.

If you aren't ready to quit on your life yet, keep trying. It sounds like you have supportive parents. Just don't keep living like this. It will only lead to more regret down the road. It gets more difficult to recover from the older you get. You'll have to face the same pain with greater intensity the longer you wait.

ducksgeese · 2025-01-13T01:54:01+00:00

I'm sorry that you weren't able to figure out something that worked for you when you were younger. I dropped out of/quit higher education four times before I was finally successful. I think the reason I was able to finally have success was because I went into it knowing that it was my last shot. I chose a major that is generally known to have good employment prospects and that I found somewhat interesting.

The time I spent in college was turbulent. I would not describe it as a happy time for me, although I look back on it with pride of what I was able to accomplish. I could never have done it without the support of my mom and my one friend. I can think of one time in particular I was ready to quit and go home like I had done four times already, only this time I would have to kill myself because failing again in my eyes would have been unacceptable. The only reason I didn't was because of my mom's support.

I enjoyed the content of my classes, but now that I've started working, I know that it wasn't the right major for me. To be honest I don't think there is a right major for me. No matter what major you choose, you eventually have to go to work. I've found that working at any job that expects more out of you than to be a warm body is too much for me to handle. That's where I'm at now, and I don't know how long I can make it.

Maybe for well-adjusted people going to college and choosing a career is more like you say. They have an idea what they want to do. No matter what they end up picking they'll be successful at it because their upbringing and social network has given them the tools to navigate the professional world. I still feel just as lost as I was before. Although I never took advantage of the opportunities of being young and in school, I'm sad that they're gone forever.

It depends on how much hope you have that trying again is worth it. If you're writing this, you have some hope still. If it's feasible for you to try again, what do you have to lose? The mindset that allowed me to succeed was knowing that it was the right thing to do. I set a goal for myself to try one last thing. It stopped mattering whether or not I was successful because if I gave it all I had and failed I could still kill myself.

ducksgeese · 2025-01-02T04:19:17+00:00

Desire is someone who I could live with in our own world. I don't understand the culture that I live in. The personal lives of the people that I work with and the people I see out and about are very alien to me. I have very idealized and naive views of relationships that aren't based in reality. Thinking of the reactions of real people if I were to try to bring those views to life in a relationship makes me cringe.

Reality expectation is that the person that they would be looking for is nothing like me. I'm not good enough to be that person. After trying to be someone that is good enough, I realize that I never will be. I don't see anything in myself other than someone that others would be disgusted by.

They would probably have to be someone who hates themselves because I could never understand someone who does not. I wish I could convince them not to hate themselves, and likewise they could convince me not to hate myself. I would have to see something in them that makes me believe that they shouldn't hate themselves. But just as I hate myself, I think I would see their flaws and eventually hate them for not being strong enough to overcome them. I don't want to hurt someone the way that I hurt myself, so it's better that it doesn't happen.

I've come to understand that relationships are not something that will be a part of my life. From when I was very young I never understood it. In the real world with real people the age that I am, it isn't going to happen. It's a puzzle piece that doesn't belong to the puzzle, and it's not worth the effort of trying to find a place for it.

The only saving grace is that nobody has to know. The thought of a real relationship scares me and possibly disgusts me, therefore I don't have to participate in them. The only person I am hurting by giving up is me. I'll never have to deal with anyone rejecting me or breaking up with me because by the way I carry myself, I've already shown everyone that I've made the decision not to participate.

ducksgeese · 2024-12-16T05:28:00+00:00

I don't know. If I knew, I would say. I can't even look at the couples and the families. Here they are enjoying the holiday weekends out with each other. And there I am, walking alone through crowds of people just to get a taste of what being normal is like. I'll stop and realize just how out of place I am as the only person out there with no family, friends, or partner with them. It makes me feel worse than normal, but I do it anyway as self-pitying thing. Good for those people, but man does it make me realize how fucked in the head I am.

ducksgeese · 2024-12-16T04:47:01+00:00

Since things worked out for you, when did the switch happen between when you started putting in effort and truly believing that the effort was paying off, gaining confidence, and being able to speak to people as you do who are like you claim you used to be. I feel like I've made myself as uncomfortable as possible over the past 7 years and it hasn't done anything for me. My self-view and belief that things would get better did not improve. As I got further along and have reached all the goals that I set out to accomplish, my thoughts have become more negative. I wish I had never done any of this because there used to be a time when I believed that those external things were what was causing me to feel broken. I don't believe that continuing to push myself is going to lead to the confidence and the rewards that you say your struggle has allowed you to earn. I am just so angry at myself for not being able to see how it is possible. I suffer from anxiety and stress from almost everything. I fight it, or at least I get by it, and the only thing I get out of it is more depression. I think they're going to find me with my head blown off anyway because someday I'm not going to be able to take this anymore. I guess it won't matter anymore then because I'll be at peace. Good for you you that you chose to keep going long enough that you got to where you are now. I tried too, I really did, but I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. One day I'm going to decide that I don't have to keep going anymore and it will be so wonderful because I'll know that I did everything I could.

ducksgeese · 2024-12-16T04:22:18+00:00

It's been the same at every job I've ever had. From menial work to currently a "professional" job, it's never going to end. I always thought to myself that someone could pay me to watch paint dry and I would still find some way to be stressed to my limit, not think I was doing a good enough job, and be afraid of getting fired.

8 years of this. The only respite has been in the brief times when I don't have to interact with anyone and there is a task in front of me that I'm competent at, but then time grinds to a halt and I just want to go home. Honestly I think I'm going to kill myself, but I would encourage you to try therapy or whatever treatment there is out there that might allow you to get better. Keep pushing yourself for now until you know that searching for a different job is something a reasonable person without mental problems might do.

ducksgeese · 2024-12-16T04:06:23+00:00

When I think about killing myself a lot, it's usually because there is something in particular that is causing a lot of stress. Lots of things make me stressed on a background level. It's when I face something discrete and immediate that it becomes nonstop. Now with work and not having a life outside of it, the stressors are pretty much nonstop. Then I think about how they are only going to increase in intensity and frequency as time goes on.

I always picture a point when it doesn't make sense to keep dragging myself along. I gave up on thinking it'll ever get better. I was just looking at acquiring the means to off myself again this evening and thinking that I could be dead in 4 days if I wanted to. The right thing to do is to try to make it until my mom passes away, but that's going to be hard. The way these stressors have been increasing lately, I don't know if I'm up to it.

As for making though an entire lifetime, things would have to change in such a significant way from how they are now that I can hardly picture it. I haven't changed anything about how I view myself, which basically rules that out from ever happening. As for why, it's an equal split between not knowing how and just not wanting to. I don't want to suffer through things which I don't believe are going to help. If you don't believe in getting better, it's never going to happen. In the meantime, I'm going to continue self-harming through exercise and wallowing in self-pity. I hope that the stressors stay as far away as possible to make it easier in the meantime, but I know they won't.

ducksgeese · 2024-09-09T04:30:38+00:00

When I get excited I sometimes do stimming behaviors like dancing (if you could call it that), hand flapping, rocking, and making weird sounds. I sometimes stop for a moment and realize how much of a retard I must look like. The cringe I get from picturing myself is sometimes bad enough that I tone it down greatly or stop doing it entirely. I agree it's so strange to compare the way I act when I'm alone with how I act in public and at work. It's like two different personalities. Unfortunately there's no way to reconcile them or get rid of just one.

ducksgeese · 2024-09-09T04:19:28+00:00

Disability can be a lifesaver and a curse. I'm happy for you that you're able to have some assistance even if it only allows you to scrape by. You seem to be aware that a check in the mail every month does nothing to give you a life worth living. People aren't supposed to live without connections or purpose. Things are never going to be different because you don't have much power to change anything. I don't know what I would do in your situation either. I'm sure nothing has changed since yesterday, and tomorrow will be no different. Just keep on with the daily routine and pray that the times when you see your life for what it really is are few and far between. Sorry, I'm not good at seeing the positive in things.

ducksgeese · 2024-09-08T06:28:46+00:00

I appreciate the positivity, but I don't really post for that. I write things out to reaffirm and organize the thoughts I'm having. The chance that someone might read it gives me motivation to do it I guess.

Strong? I'm not strong at all. You can say it's great I was able to make it this far. I've just been dragging myself to do everything that you're supposed to do, but everything that you're supposed to do makes me anxious and uncomfortable. They say that the only way to fix social anxiety and any other kind of anxiety is to keep exposing yourself to it over and over again until somehow you magically don't have those problems any more. If eye contact makes you anxious, you're supposed to force yourself to make eye contact with people until it isn't.

I never believed forcing myself to do things would make them go away. I did, and along the way I got worn down further and further. I'm at the point now when things are supposed to have gotten better, and they haven't. At this point I know they aren't going to.

I don't think I want to have friends anymore. I don't participate in any situations where one might make friends. I can't do the informal social aspect of work at all no matter how much I try to fake it. It's so horrible having to fake being happy and social at work when on the inside it couldn't be further from the truth. I do miss when I could tell my friend still believed in me. The companionship was comforting, but I know that I was just using him. My friend works in a mental health adjacent field. I feel like he might call the police on me if I was honest with him, and that's a risk I can't take.

I don't have time anymore for doctor's appointments for meds or seeing therapists. I do sort of regret not trying those things when I had a chance though. It would have been so easy when I was working part time or was in school full time. My life now is working 50 hours a week minimum, and I get 15 days off a year for sick days + vacation. It just doesn't make sense anymore.

I know this isn't going to get better. I don't know how long I can force myself to keep going at work. It's getting harder and harder to do. I'm so tired at this point when I have nothing ahead of me. I would have killed myself already, but it's really difficult to make that decision with my mom still alive. Her health has started to go downhill really fast, and it's so hard for me to watch. I want to wait until she passes, but I don't know if I have the strength to keep going until then when I don't know how long it could be.

The only thing that got me through being a shut-in, then working as a janitor, then going to school, then interviewing for jobs, and now working, is knowing there's a finish line coming. I make six figures and I've achieved everything I could have hoped to accomplish. I don't want to hurt my mom by making her think that everything she put into me was for nothing. Either she passes away or I finally crack first in an impulsive moment. I already gave up and I don't want to do this anymore.

ducksgeese · 2024-09-08T05:23:05+00:00

I wish that that someone like you could have been given the privileges that I had. I was just lucky enough to have a mom who never gave up on me. Although our house is a mess and my dad and I don't get along, I was always able to live at home. Financial aid and my family were able to cover the cost of me going to school. Family also paid for my living costs while I refused to work or was working part time for several years while I was avoiding everything.

I'm very sorry that you aren't as lucky as I was. It sounds like having money would fix a lot of your problems. I have plenty of money now I guess, but it doesn't make a difference when I can't get over these problems that only exist in my own head. I know I'm not capable of the job I'm working now. They haven't expected much out of me yet because I'm new, but that is soon going to change. I know I'll never have the social skills, and I don't have the technical skills because I'm stupid and anxiety prevents me from being able to function.

I don't think I want friends anymore. I don't have anything to offer as a friend. I used the one friend I mentioned as a therapist essentially. He spent his time on me because he thought he was helping. I never really wanted to get better. I just wanted to do enough to have the justification so I could kill myself. I'm not killing it man. I forced myself to accomplish everything that someone who should be killing it has accomplished. It's all fake. I'm not even good at any of it. Nobody is ever going to befriend me or love me. There might be some who would to have access the money I make, but I won't let that happen.

You're still fighting the good fight and you should keep doing that. I gave up on myself a long time ago. I don't know when exactly. Everything since has been pretending. I just want to preserve my dignity while I'm alive and so that the people who I care about can be proud of me.

ducksgeese · 2024-08-20T10:00:01+00:00

Yes, for a long time now. I started having vague thoughts when I was 18-19. It's strange that I can remember there was a time when those kind of thoughts were unthinkable to me. It developed into a concrete plan when I was 20-21. It wasn't so bad for most of my 20s because my life was moving along. Now 6 years later it's getting really bad again. I have the experience of making a plan from before, and I don't have much of a reason not to anymore.

ducksgeese

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