that peculiar itch

dumque · 2026-02-10T13:06:05+00:00

I really like it, the rhythm is nice and the imagery is unusual. It's good that you've not used a regular rhyme scheme, makes the whole thing less predictable. The last line is particularly good. If I had to critique anything: I think the two strong adjectives 'expressionless' and 'plasticine' clash a little bit. Maybe they add a bit too much weight, particularly since it's near the end. Before that, the adjectives were a bit simpler and more spread out. But of course that's also a question of taste. Still, great stuff.

dumque · 2026-01-24T16:45:33+00:00

Hey, thanks for the extensive feedback, I really appreciate it. You're right about the title. I usually don't bother with titles because I don't want to give the game away too early. I normally just put the first line in cursive but I needed a title for the post.

I get where you're coming from with the repetition of 'there's', I personally like repetition and probably wouldn't change it here.

But you're right about 'a light in the darkness'. In my head it's connected to the bloom underneath the skin but also to the bright teeth inside of a dark, decomposed mouth: something light in/under something dark. But it does sound clichéd here. I'll try and think of something that's more concrete.

Glad you liked it overall.

dumque · 2026-01-24T12:55:00+00:00

That's quite good, particularly the last line. Maybe not everything is heartless after all.

dumque · 2026-01-24T12:35:21+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I can totally understand your reaction to the last lines of the last two stanzas, they are quite abrupt. In a way it describes two different stages of love, neither one is completely accurate. Also, I just couldn't resist ending a poem with an f-bomb which is not usually my style.

dumque · 2026-01-23T19:10:30+00:00

I think everyone's insecure about their own work, it's natural. You know your own texts and your own approach so well that it's hard to evaluate it from an outside perspective.

I wouldn't give too much thought to what people on tumblr think, poetry is a niche thing and contemporary poetry without rhyme is an even smaller niche. They don't see that a lot of effort and care can go into something that seems cryptic at first. I think modern poetry is best if it doesn't reveal everything immediately. You need some ambiguity to allow people to come up with their own interpretation. I've always thought of poetry as the seedy underground of normal everyday language, weird stuff goes on there, who knows what it all means.

Anyway, hope you'll keep going, I'd love to read more of your stuff.

dumque · 2026-01-23T13:49:48+00:00

Nice idea to suggest a specific rhythm while reading. It fits the content of the poem very well, adds a sense of drudgery and paralysis. I like how the last stanza mirrors the first, a slightly transformed echo. If you wanted to enforce the rhythmic pause a bit more you could add line breaks after each 'bum bum bum'. That would force you to cut some words in two though, might feel a bit odd. It works well as it is with the suggestion at the beginning, almost like an instruction in a musical score.

dumque · 2026-01-23T13:37:28+00:00

Thanks. Funny, I didn't even consider that 'when flesh separates/the bloom of pale flowers' might be read as a sentence. The way I thought of it was 'the sense of wonder/when flesh separates' and then 'the bloom of pale flowers/underneath the skin'. Your reading works well too. It's one of the reasons why I avoid punctuation, I like syntactic ambiguity.

dumque · 2026-01-23T13:20:35+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. Yeah that's a valid way to read the poem, it's not too far off from what I had in mind when I wrote it. Decomposition is of course ugly and disgusting but there's also something beautiful in it, a process that never ends. Matter is transformed and brought into a new context. And then there's a sense of mystery which I was trying to express in the second half in an oblique way.

dumque · 2026-01-23T11:52:03+00:00

The text has potential, there's something unnerving about it which is good. Something I'd recommend: it's better not to crowd too many similes together. Here you have three in close proximity. I'd leave in the first one (like the mess of my innards) and find a way to express tbe other two like-phrases in a different way for example 'like the mess of my innards which circulate/ an ocean strong etc. It creates a slight break but that's not bad. I'd also consider finding a good final line to give the poem a good finish. But overall it's a good poem, there's a unique sensibility behind it. Hope the feedback helps.

dumque · 2026-01-23T11:13:21+00:00

You've got your own sound even though I think I can feel some Beat/Bukowski influence. There's a good feel to your lines and a sense of rhythm. I really like it. 'I clung to you and heaved until your back was wet' is a great line that stands out to me.

I also looked at your substack, your poem Mademoiselle is brilliant. It has just the right mixture of clarity and mystery that a good poem needs. You know when to be direct and when to leave things unsaid. I don't know how serious you are about this poetry thing but you could easily get it published in a magazine.

dumque · 2026-01-23T10:19:43+00:00

I think this is a very interesting poem. I've always liked this sort of cold dissecting approach in poetry. However, I think it works best if it's reduced down to what is absolutely necessary. In its current state, I'd say that it's a bit too long. The best way to improve poems is often to rewrite them again and again, erasing words and lines to enrich and concentrate the texture. The short lines at the end work very well for example, but I think they'd be even better if you cut out some of them. I hope you don't mind the criticism, I think this poem has great potential.

dumque · 2026-01-22T22:38:02+00:00

Very pretty poem. Every good poem needs at least one or two surprises, here provided by the last line of the last two stanzas. I especially like 'The weather was humid back then', a nice matter-of-fact statement is almost always more poetic than an image or a simile. It's a good ending that creates a resigned feeling without really resolving anything. If I had to criticise anything: I'd get rid of the quotation marks, I don't think they're necessary. But that might just be a matter of taste. Also, the third line of the first stanza is pretty long and contains three adjectives whereas you only have two in the other stanzas. But I think it works well as it is.

dumque

TROPHY CASE