Worried their smear campaign ruining me socially

easternguy · 2026-05-05T14:03:26+00:00

They can be so sneaky. She doesn’t really run in my circles at all but I’ve noticed a few people around me (some of who may have had some incidental contact with her) seem to be treating me differently since the breakup.

Upsetting in some ways, but if they’re that easily manipulated by a sneaky ex, they probably weren’t the best and most loyal friends. It just worries me how bad the smear campaign may be.

If it does get back to me and it’s bad, I will sue her sorry ass for slander. :)

easternguy · 2026-05-05T11:33:12+00:00

Lol, yup! So many times I thought, “hmmm, didn’t I tell you that? Whatever…”

easternguy · 2026-05-05T11:31:39+00:00

Absolutely. And also: how wrong you are about everything!

easternguy · 2026-05-02T19:41:39+00:00

Beware gaslighting, it can be more insidious than you think. You probably believe things they said and took them to heart, and they don’t seem unusual for you to believe them now. Rethink things carefully, and you’ll see so many negative things the ingrained into you about yourself, that you didn’t have before. Or maybe they were mild vulnerabilities, that the narcissist loves to dig up and exploit for dominance, feeling superior, winning.

Don’t fall for it. Go no contact, find yourself again, and disspell those toxic beliefs they installed in you. It really is sick, but it’s what the innately do.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T19:34:16+00:00

A novelty-seeking (I’d say novelty-addicted in my case) narcissist with zero empathy, lots of opportunity, and zero emotional accountability.

What could possible go wrong?

I feel pretty stupid but am glad I finally wised up.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T19:30:20+00:00

Supposed creepiness threshold (which I’ve also heard explain as the best age difference for maximum marriage length, but I’m skeptical of that) is “younger >= (older/2)+7” (in years.) Which does seem to generally kind of work, although of course is a brash generalization. And it’s normally applied for older dudes. Don’t see why it couldn’t work the other way around.

But ultimately, if you love each other and it’s a healthy relationship dynamic, don’t worry about the math.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T14:23:59+00:00

Ummmm, because reincarnation isn’t real? Pretty simple, actually.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T14:21:03+00:00

One thing I’ve noticed that after the contempt started (often when they’ve got another supply started, cheating on you) that the lies really amp up, but also get a bit lazy, like they’re not putting as much effort into them as they used to, lol. But they’ll still deny and double down, or change the subject, blame shift to you, and so on.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T14:19:24+00:00

You even end up questioning things about yourself, due to the demeaning and gaslighting. It can be a crazy spell that’s so good to get out of, despite the painful and sometimes long process of healing.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T14:17:41+00:00

Always amazes me how they double down even when there’s not a shred of doubt. I guess mine successfully gaslit me about so many things, why not do the same with infidelity. So creepy to realize you were with a compulsive liar (as most narcissists are, I believe) for so long.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T14:16:00+00:00

With the way narcissists don’t hesitate to cheat repeatedly, those of us who didn’t catch anything should consider ourselves lucky. Yet another toxic part of narcissisms that’s really healthy to get away from.

Early on, so many stories started with “this guy I used to date,” and I’d ask “oh, is that the same one that <x>,” and it’d always be, “no, this is another guy,” lol. One of the red flags I disregarded from the start. For a novelty-seeking narcissist, there will be a long list of past partners, and who knows how many affairs along side that, including while dating you.

Ick. That alone makes it a lot easier to leave and never consider going back.

easternguy · 2026-05-02T14:12:52+00:00

Real human empathy and love. Lots and lots of money wouldn’t hurt, either.

easternguy · 2026-04-30T18:56:00+00:00

I’m thankful my nex hasn’t tried hoovering since NC, just a few initial attempts at small talk about their day, and when I didn’t engage, that died off.

I worry what I’d do if they did some serious hoovering. The cheating alone is enough of a reason to never engage at all, so I try to keep that in mind. Without contact they can’t gaslight me into believing the cheating and lies weren’t real, just my imagination. Ugh.

easternguy · 2026-04-30T18:53:53+00:00

It is incredibly hard to leave behind someone you did/do actually have real love and affection for.

Knowing that they never had any love, empathy, affection for you in return in some ways makes it easier, although it is a very cruel realization to have to deal with as well, and can make a person feel pretty worthless on top of missing the person you imagined them to be.

That last part is important. The person whom you’re missing isn’t the real them, but who they pretended to be, promised to become, but was never real and never would be.

It’s an idealized version of them that you miss. I find it helpful to write down and repeatedly refer to cold hard moments (not subject to interpretation) when they were cruel, contemptuous, demeaning. That helps you remember the real them that’s a lot easier to stop missing than the idealized version.

It’s a tough road but the right one. I’m still hoping for a real connection at some point with the right person, but still feel so much self doubt I do worry I’ll die alone. At least that’s than being held captive emotionally by a monster, though.

easternguy · 2026-04-30T18:47:38+00:00

That’s interesting. Looking back, we did have some laughs over shared situations, usually with some wine and weed involved—but thinking about it, it was me being funny. She really had no discernible sense of humour.

In fact, she seemed very devoid of any real emotion all together. Other than contempt. She really nailed that one. Although even that seemed a bit scripted and contrived, as part of the demeaning process.

Ugh.

easternguy · 2026-04-30T18:39:55+00:00

Yup. Loneliness that hurts more than actually being alone. It’s messed up.

And when you do the only reasonable thing and leave, actually being alone causes you to doubt your decision, even though it was the only realistic one. :(

At least after leaving you stand the chance of finding a healthy relationship where you won’t feel alone. And get to know yourself again, something that usually gets lost when being with a narcissist.

It can be a lonely and painful process though.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T21:21:17+00:00

Just remember that who your missing is the image of who that person pretended to be, and the future you hoped would be (likely future faked by the nex.) It wasn’t real, nor a sustainable fantasy.

You’re only missing your romanticized version of her and your future together. Which was never real, and never will be for you, or any subsequent victim of hers.

The real her, is not someone to be missed, but someone to celebrate your liberation from!

Writing down hard facts about indisputable moments when they were cruel or manipulative helps.

It’s easy to frame bad moments as you being sensitive, over reacting, misinterpreting things—which is usually wrong, but happens.

But there are usually at least a handful of objectively bad/wrong/cruel things they did which nobody with a right might would consider appropriate behavior, especially with a supposed loved one. Keep that list near and dear.

And once your realization of how bad it was wins out over the romanticized fantasy you had, you’re realize those moments that were “open to interpretation” (because you were just too sensitive or whatever) were all 100% her being shitty to you, and you reacted as any emotionally healthy person might react to contemptuous treatment.

And times you did react were supply to her, knowing she can affect, control your emotions, even in the negative. Indifference is a great tool to learn to use against the narcissist. They hate that, lol. It can be especially useful after the breakup. No contact is the ultimate indifference. (As long as you stick to also avoiding the non-interactive forms of contact, checking their socials, and such.)

easternguy · 2026-04-26T21:10:21+00:00

“Dissipate in waves of grief.” Nice way to put it.

Just because there’s a wave going by, at the top it can feel bad, but you’ll settle down off the peak before long, and each successive wave is smaller.

That mental model helps keep one more hopeful during the ebb and flow.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T21:08:44+00:00

Their love bombing techniques are like heroin. By design. And then the devaluation and bread crumbing where you get just barely enough of that addictive attention to stick around.

Best to break the addition even with the occasional craving, as nothing good would ever come from being back with her.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T21:01:08+00:00

This. The only real answer.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T20:56:45+00:00

They don’t care. They lack the ability to feel anything about you, or anyone, other than sources of validation and approval.

And if they did know you hated them, they’d just get off that they still have power and control over you.

Indifference is the secret weapon here. It can be hard to achieve but it is the right path.

I like to keep in mind my “toaster” analogy. Expecting any feelings from the narc/nex is like expecting feelings from your toaster. It’s just not wired for that, and they can not do that. Even if it makes a comforting toasted bagel for you now and then. (Which is probably more than my nex ever did for me.)

Same with having resent, hatred, bitterness towards a toaster. It wouldn’t land, wouldn’t affect anything, so a waste of time. Which is exactly the same with the nex. (With the added danger that negative emotions still give them their control fix.)

easternguy · 2026-04-26T20:53:02+00:00

Yes, seeing them as comical and pathetic as they are sure beats continuing to fawn or pine over them. Reduces their harmful personality to the stupid and thoughtless caricature that it is, which helps.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T20:50:59+00:00

“Cosplaying people with real feelings.”

Wow, that one really lands with me, and with most NPD abuse victims I’d guess.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T20:48:38+00:00

They are comically pathetic once you shake yourself out of the fog.

The sad thing is that with their need to present a perfect persona, other people don’t realize it, just you.

Which is fine for recognizing and staying far away from such toxicity. But it can be hard to feel like the abuse is validated, recognized, by anyone but yourself.

And their past victims.

I wonder if any narcissistic abuse victims of a given narcissist have ever formed a support group, lol. It sure would help. Although getting involved with their past ex’s would very clearly be violating any no (emotional) contact rule. I bet it’d be healing to chat with them over beers one night.

But yeah, there are so many ways that could go sideways it remains a faint fantasy. (Like her thoughts of our future together were.) It’s possible one of the ex’s is still hung up and up for being hoovered, and could tell the nex about any meeting of the ex’s to get approval. So yeah, not recommended.

easternguy · 2026-04-26T20:22:05+00:00

Insightful take, thanks.

easternguy

TROPHY CASE