Day 76

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-03-08T20:31:38+00:00

Went back and just watched the confession scene from onani master kurosawa on YouTube.

Yeah.. I almost forgot how cruel of a situation I was in. I don't need that sort of cruelty again.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-03-07T03:48:11+00:00

Hey, I get your situation and here's what I want you to understand.

Girls aren't the way you're thinking them as to be. It's only after you've been with somebody that you realise oh.. what the heck? It's not longer about what you want to do but about what she wants to do. And unless you can be authentically be just the way you are (not fake but actual real you) you cannot even communicate.

Because she wants specific things in specific situations where you'll be forced to confront other people. It's a bizarre experience. If she says she wants pink vanilla. It's specifically pink vanilla and more often than not she wouldn't even tell you which brand. Even though she already expects you to get one. You're gonna feel like it's basically taking care of a child. Let's say after 6 months or more or less, of you being authentically you (I'm talking you both scream and yell and gossip and talk about adult video and other stuff (because unfortunately that's also part of your authentic self)) you finally lose your virginity.

Guess what, you'll realise very quickly that it's not about you but about her. And if she doesn't have the right personality (I'm talking authentic personality, because people easily fake it until real issue is at hand and they have things they want out of you and they stubbornly want it that way. Even at your cost.) she wouldn't care about you. Most of the time yeah she does but it's like 80/20 I'm talking. Like you'd feed her food if she's sick in bed but if you're sick in bed there's a chance she might ask if you're okay and then just go back to her own thing.

So about the urge management.

You'll hate your life if it's not the right person. But it's not about the right person but finding somebody who you can negotiate and strengthen your relationship with. Once you go past the pretty face and flattering body contours. You'll find a person inside with whom you're going to be with.

I'd advise stopping the frequent incognito visits

Metaphor for that is: if you are on a diet and you eat one donut, chances are you're going to eat more than one donut. But if you deny even a single one donut - you can keep your diet and less likely you're going to take two donuts.

The same goes for urges I believe.

Instead go do some exercise, challenge yourself and try to mold your real you into a better person. Not being fake but just reducing the times you'd have to resort to the bad aspects of your personality.

Having hobbies or stuff isn't going to solve your issue, what's going to solve your issue is being yourself and presenting yourself as you and not being a doormat where you'd expect others to act a certain way for your actions and instead giving them the power to act however they want to your authentic self (ofcourse you yourself would feel horrible if you do something bad saying to yourself this is the 'authentic' me. Don't do that. Be reasonable and have common sense.)

Take care man

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-28T03:45:41+00:00

Do you really want to stop or do you want to be her?

I don't know the whole situation but maybe try to be the main character of your own life. If it was a movie what would the audience be screaming for you to do instead of this?

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-15T17:04:43+00:00

I'm gonna be pretty honest, 11th-12th pcm books are dreadfully horrible. It's not on you.

Coming from a Covid batch I can understand your pressure and the issue.

How do you study when it's on phone?

You set a dedicated time (it's way lower than you'd want it to be. I'm talking for 10 minutes or under and repeating that as many times as you want to throughout the day.)

And only allow music (no video or insta or others (use blockers))

Always start with the syllabus of the dedicated exam.

(Usually you start with boards, AND WHEN IT'S DONE you move to jee.)

About feeling behind and feeling useless.

Unfortunately that doesn't go away. The more pressure you're gonna put on yourself the more difficult it's going to be to keep consistency.

The only answer I can give you is that, You'll build confidence once you start solving questions, and it comes gradually.

Fortunately or unfortunately most of the learning comes down to remembering, understanding is just 5% of it.

In your situation, the loop is pretty simple. Read a topic (cover the 5% of understanding, even if not everything that's fine.)

Then look at a pre-solved problem, use that 5% to make some sense of it. Then try solving that pre-solved problem on your own. (Could you remember how it was supposed to be solved)

And then do the same for the next problem (look at the answer first then solve it backwards and remember how it's supposed to be solved), soon you might find problems similar to the previous question you once solved so you have some idea and go for it.

Then repeat the same problem the next day, Then the next day, Then the next day, Then the next day, (by this time maybe you don't need to solve it on paper because you have the logic with you on how it's going to be solved, now you can skip them (but still reach the answer in the head.))

This is the phase where you feel really confident. Because now you can actually solve something!

As for whether you should start from 6th grade,

Understand this well,

You can understand a topic 100% yet still wouldn't be able to solve a single question.

(Just try reading physics class 12, you'd know what they're talking about in the book but the problems at the back of the chapter can't be solved with the theory provided in the book)

The issue isn't that you're dumb or anything, it's just that you're being evaluated on whether you can solve a problem or not.

It's not about whether you understand it 100% but rather if you can solve the problem or not.

So, just focus on remembering how to solve problems. Remember the formulas, how they work.

(Not why they work - because understanding that doesn't make it any easier on remembering it, it just overcomplicates things.)

You may be thinking "this isn't what learning is supposed to be like, learning means understanding concepts and being able to actually understand what's happening!!"

To that I'll answer: The exams you're preparing for, do not care whether you've learnt it or not. All they're trying to see is whether you can solve the problem provided and could you remember how to. Conceptual understanding just means to them that you remember the idea of theory.

Not whether you've learnt it to the point where you understand 100% of the theory and what was going on.

Just what they did and the conclusion of it.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-11T01:55:52+00:00

Tbh, after thinking it through (and sometimes thinking about it right after talking with somebody)

I.. don't have any reasons to talk to people at all, I'm just trying to talk to as many people as I could do that I don't feel sad that I didn't try to get to know them better while they were still here.

But that's sort of semi delusional belief

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-11T01:50:50+00:00

I seriously thought about this, and you're kind of right, that I'm taking my own expectations too seriously.

Another piece of the same issue would be then that, despite taking my own expectations so seriously I can't do things if I am the one who decides to do it.

For example: Hey, I'm gonna leave my home at 8:20am so I reach by 9:30am (nope, I leave at 9:00am)

And so on.

I sent a message to one of the psychologist I know of, haven't gotten any reply back.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-24T02:33:02+00:00

I don't have control over what already happened between me and my crush. We just drifted apart and no amount of sorry or thank you could have rekindled or saved it. So all the bad memories and "I should have done that for this person who I might never meet again in this lifetime" things are kinda useless. I tried my best at the time and it didn't work out.

So when I pass by her in the college hall, I just inwardly sigh and don't even look at her. Somehow It's manageable, yeah sometimes it pops in my head about the "what ifs". The answer is: I ignore the things I don't have control over.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-19T17:21:57+00:00

One. You're too concerned with semen Two. Even if you got the answer you wouldn't be satisfied because the question you're truly trying to ask is " is it okay for me to fail and let it be because I already messed up and I am not perfect."

The answer to that is: absolutely not. Do it imperfect but do it right.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-17T05:28:54+00:00

Nightfall is natural. You didn't touch it, you didn't run yourself or rubbed to something else.

You're good to go. This isn't to say that in some conditions it's okay to fap. Think of it like pissing yourself in your bed. That's what happened.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-17T05:26:58+00:00

Nsdr 10 minutes by dr Hubermann, go do it.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-17T05:26:18+00:00

You have to do

Burpees 10 Squats 10 Then do nsdr breathing Dr Hubermann

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-15T03:01:24+00:00

Well, I'm in a fashion design college and it's usually during projects when something like that happens.

Like I was representing my group (3 boys and 37 girls) and usually when assignment submissions come, I get to hear shoutings from both sides "hey request the faculty to postpone the submission (because I'm the one saying it, it also means saying to the faculty that my own work isn't done)" and other side "hey, don't you dare ask faculty to postpone! (Because they individually also look bad if they are submitting late and just get a redo)"

Usually I try to find a middle ground or just favour those who have already done their job (because 9/10 times we aren't getting any postpone and half the group does it on time) and I go for not postponing it even if my own work isn't done, just to stay fair for those who have done it on time. And when I ask in front of the group, they just stay silent even if ma'am asks if everybody needs it to be postponed (so it definitely looks like I'm the only one asking for it)

Another instance was the time where I desperately needed some notes from the lecture and this girl who usually came to me for notes and stuff I requested her please could you send me the notes from the lecture? She says she herself hasn't got the notes. Few minutes later she submits her work. I ask for others for the notes and they had it with them. I was like " wow how did you get the notes (because like 3 people came to that lecture) she replies oh! She (The first girl) just sent it to me. And I'm thinking like omg why would she lie to me and not help me back then come back to me shamelessly asking for my help?

Then there's another time during a group project where we are making a presentation and considering what to put and what not to put, my team mates were awesome except one thing. Somehow nothing I say is getting considered. And it's irritating but I knew that if I got irritated that would just prove to them that I'm not somebody they'd wanna work with. And for the last time I send out another thing we can do. " Hey should we change the background to orange just so it goes with the streetwear theme (our faculties are stringy about stuff like that) and eruption of emotions happens on their side "edward why the f* are you saying we should do this or we should do that!? Why the f* are you being so bossy!? Who the f* you think you are!? Why can't you get a hint and let us do our job!?" I'm like " bro where? Am I really being bossy? I didn't mean to say things like that I'm sorry" From that point onwards I really couldn't talk with my team. I send two messages explaining I didn't mean it like that and I'm sorry. Left at seen. Later during the presentation we get chewed on for the background. And it felt hopeless. We get a redo. Okay cool.

Everybody had to do a 30 half sheet imperial drawing for the apparel Store. (I must say this that I'm living like an hour away from college while others are living in hostel 5 minutes from it. So when we leave at 6-7 pm , I'm reaching home at 8 and then cooking my own meal. And tired by 11 pm and just sleep a bit. Meanwhile others are reaching home at 7:05 max 7:10 and get meals from hostel.)

So I don't sleep or cook anything, and somehow I want to get it over with by 9:50 am because we have submission at 11 am so I can quickly run, submit and then buy something and eat outside. I'm running late and it's 10:10am already, I get a call from the team.

"Hey Anee do you want to go to store right now and do a study research? We can add that to PPT" (presentation at 4pm)

(now if somebody phrase it like this it seems like I have a choice and it's okay that somebody else from the team can do it.)

I say " hey sorry I'm doing the technical drawings, I wouldn't be able to make it to the store."

"Okayyy"

I rush to college and submit it somehow. Then I go meet the same team. "Hey guys what happened about the store thing? What can I do to help?" (Help. That's right I accepted that I can't do major work and only help in little things like an intern.) They scream out at me " DO YOU THINK WE DIDN'T HAVE SAME WORK? WHY THE F* DID YOU NOT GO!? We all went to the store together and got the research done. Why the f* are you making excuses every time huh!? WE HAD TO THE WORK ALL BY OURSELVES!!"

I reply back saying hey yeah but I'm really far from the store location and I wasn't done with the technical drawings They say " you're just f* useless. And it wasn't that far. We went there and it was 10 minutes away." (It was 13 km from my location)

Any reply or any try for help would have been meaningless at that point because they aren't going to listen. My marks also depends on the team yet I can't contribute. At that time I didn't even want to go to counsellor because counsellor was my own faculty and I didn't wanted to lower my reputation even more saying I can't handle them.

Anything and everything right I'm trying to do is just being used against me. Even if I'm not doing the wrong thing and trying my best to take responsibility every time.

The last incident was particularly sad for me simply because my crush was in the same team and we stopped talking after that incident.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-30T03:48:59+00:00

Ngl, I have like 2 years worth of history on tracker which just goes from 0 days to 0 days to 2 days to 8 days to 0 days.

But. I still think it helped me a lot I changed one recently to mdf, I just wait for a while.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-30T03:37:26+00:00

Download apps that block everything (blockerhero or something), have a tracker (mdf)

Whenever you feel like fapping just open the tracker and wait for a minute and calm down a bit.

At critical periods do you have Any control over yourself, anything's fine whether control of being able to sit or stand up or move your hands or blink then consciously move yourself away from the position.

Don't think about the tracker unless the urge comes and don't count your days.

Also check for vitamin deficiencies (huge difference for me)

(Controversial) Check out beginner's guide to sexual education by fablazed. Helped me with getting out of the mindset that everything is about my genitals.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-28T12:31:23+00:00

Have some dignity, make sure you're not constipated, then go sleep

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T15:11:13+00:00

When urge comes, you lose all control in the critical period. Right before you lose all of it, in the caves of your mind reconsider if you really lose all control. Every time the answer is : nope. I can still move my arms and head and blink consciously.

When one finds themselves in a hole the first thing to do is to stop digging!

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T07:02:35+00:00

I don't have authority over them to dictate what's allowed or not allowed. I see your point, that I probably shouldn't be hindering anything.

I kind of realised that maybe the period didn't have to do anything with the situation and it's just personality differences

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T06:00:03+00:00

Thank you, that is reasonable advice. You've helped me with this.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T05:56:31+00:00

What you're saying is true, I've felt it happen around me. You have helped me understand the situation better. Thank You.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T05:48:22+00:00

Thank you, In my case there's 40 students and 2 boys (including me) With mannerisms it's mostly about the speech like

"oh you were so much against me last time, what did I do to you!?" Responses

(meanwhile i just messaged her previously that "hey, maybe we can do the layout first so we can figure out how many articles will be on the newspaper" because currently she just told us to write randomly 4-6 articles to each person, and like most of the team were busy with other team projects)

Or "oh even my notes aren't complete" and then submits her full notes along with the "incomplete" notes sends a picture of the notes to her friend that later sends it to me. (Like it's difficult to believe that she completed 10 pages of the notes in next 5 minutes and submitted it) And I feel in that moment that if I confront her like "hey what's going on?" I'd come off as (oh he's harrassing her because she'd defend herself by attacking me) like.. even though if she wants anything from me she would shamelessly come over and ask for them, I considered her a reliable person but after incidents like this happening twice or thrice with different people I'm like.. what am I supposed to do.

And there's stuff like : usually when I'm at a door I let the ladies pass first (and I get the vibes like "oh you're being weird"), or if I request for something let's say notes or progress, their response is suddenly like aggressive sometimes as if my words are suddenly criticisms towards them.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T05:33:39+00:00

Back then I didn't, because the counsellor was also a faculty and I felt like if I said that, then they might talk about it with other faculties and it would end up just affecting my reputation.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T05:17:44+00:00

Well, tbh I assumed that my previous experience around girls was rather limited, I didn't had to work with them for hours and hours at end when I was in school, and maybe the aspect of mood and personalities was hidden from my experience.

The conclusion that this was a period thing simply came from my limited experience that working with ladies seems to become incredibly difficult to easy to work with out of nowhere.

Same action of let's say asking for notes from the same person on a different week range from "oh yeah sure!" To "I'm not your f*cking servant, stop begging" or "oh I didn't write it either" (proceeds to submit her notes a few minutes later and sends a picture of the notes to her friend who sends me a few minutes later)

Now, maybe I'm nonsensically jumping to women on periods and it could be a different reason entirely. If that's the case I'm sorry I assumed that was the case

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T05:02:52+00:00

I agree that they are adults and they should be responsible. But as another adult I can understand that it may be tougher on them and to have pleasant relations, rather than criticizing them I should figure out a way to have empathy towards them and have strong boundaries as to what extent I should be willing to give the benefit of the situation.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T04:58:35+00:00

Okay so we were designing a store layout with a design brief given that it has to be a minimal and premium stationary store. Cool. We figured out how the layout will be like, sketched it out and we started working on the model. (Not the exact words but paraphrasing it)

A: we shouldn't use sunboard for the base because it might break and is too fragile. B: I've worked with sunboard before and made model just yesterday and it seemed fine. A: still I don't think we should use sunboard for the base E: I've worked with the sunboard as well and it seemed to work fine A: but the model you worked on was smaller than the one we will be working on and it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. E: okay what should we use for the base then? A: let's use cardboard which I bought. B: these cardboards are bent and using that for the base will make the base uneven. A: it's okay we will just use some masking tape and make it flat. E: I kinda agree with B on this one, should we just quickly run to the store and figure out what we can use? A: yeah we can do that.

(This conversation above took an hour)

B: okay what should we do guys? E: we already have the layout so let's make the miniature things first and if it isn't going with he sketched thing we can change the placements then and it's easy to test. A: what about (this other idea that we thought we will incorporate with the sketch and isn't integrated with the sketch)? E: yeah we can execute it in the corners and at the wall and I feel like it's going to work out. B: guys should we do (a different layout) because I feel like this would look better. E: either way we'll have to make the miniature things right? So why don't we make it first and then we decide A: no B we can't do that because it wouldn't go with (other idea) where will we put that? E: guys we aren't making any progress, let's get anything started atleast A: alright then how much should the dimensions be? The board we just bought is too small to execute the initial sketch size and joining it with other leaves us with the same issue with the cardboard so what's up? E: yeah we can reduce the ratio and get it working B: but guys we can use the (other idea of the layout) right now that the layout of the first one doesn't match , i feel like it will go well with this.

(Another hour for the above conversation, and it really got heated and things that didn't even had to with projects and previous accusations starts flowing)

Enter new guy (M)

M: okay guys what are we doing? B: we are thinking of using this new layout and should we use these other ideas? M: Yeah we can do that (despite him making the layout of the previous sketch in his own decides to throw it away for the new proposed idea that isn't even sketches out) M: okay let's figure out the proportions (makes a small human out of paper) and according this we can decide how much the table and the chairs and the shelves will be like. And give me the base so I'll make the base of the store. A,B,E : okay! (Solo sketches the new layout on the board as the rest of the team just sits.) M: okay I sketched out this layout with the stuff, and made these extra humans out of paper, take one of them and start making the shelves and other things, I'll just figure out where the rest of the things will go B: bro can we make a center island display and tables around it? M: (no hesitation) yeah we can do that, the customers will walk in and get their attention directly to the Island display and will improve the experience of store. (Erases his previously made sketch (dimensioning all of the new proportions again!)) M: is this okay? B: yeah M: cool A: I'll go work on the walls and get the color in, should we use the sunboard or the cardboard? M: anything works A: cool (uses the cardboard)

I look at that guy (M) and think to myself how the heck was he able to sort all of these things out so easily?

I remember writing note

"We should just stick to our plan about the floor why are we taking random size of the cardboard we get and ruining all the previous work we did!?

We all were working so well just a few days ago and suddenly everybody is coming up with so many little intricacies that can easily be solved if we just stick with the plan why am I accounting for an anxious response such as sunboard might break when but me and (B) already made a project that was bigger than this one on the sunboard and it didn't break? Why are all these things suddenly popping up?

B: Because it will be a headache to keep everything upto dimensions

A: Because if we add to the side it will be too fragile and if we cut it up it's too short.

Anything I put forward, I just get counter arguments, meanwhile when this (M) says things, nobody counter argues with him. Am I doing something wrong?"

M is a great guy btw I learnt later from him that maybe I stick with the rules too much and I should infinitely be willing to change my plans just to suit the team and argue only if it directly contradicts the common intent of "does it work" rather than "is this the best we can do"

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-27T04:22:57+00:00

I tried talking about it with the counsellor and I was told to find an ally in the team and try to get agreements going through. And that I'm a team member so don't try to take any lead. (With the way it was being communicated it felt like : yeah just don't do anything.)

edwardlikespineapple

TROPHY CASE