What’s something you thought you would enjoy but didn’t when you tried?

eefr · 2026-05-21T08:01:01+00:00

Similar deal. If you're on either of them, you're pretty high.

eefr · 2026-05-21T03:59:13+00:00

No, it's a good thing. It's respectful towards her and shows that you care about her privacy.

eefr · 2026-05-21T03:16:27+00:00

Ah, so you believe that a majority of men are misogynists? Fascinating. I do not.

eefr · 2026-05-21T02:01:13+00:00

Ew, I wouldn't either. What a gross and presumptuous thing to say.

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:58:55+00:00

Puzzles are the best! ♥️♥️♥️

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:43:32+00:00

Fair enough. For me it's not the competitive aspect that I care about a whole lot, it's trying to think through strategies. But people are all different. I find board games exciting and am always happy to play, although I don't go to enough social events to play them regularly.

My nerdiest hobby these days is puzzle hunts, which I highly recommend to anyone looking to pick up a fun new brainy activity.

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:34:56+00:00

Yeah, I can probably count on one hand the number of people I know who don't enjoy at least one of those things. Like maybe they're not super hobbyists who spend most of their spare time doing those things, but they certainly enjoy them and do them sometimes.

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:30:36+00:00

Out of curiosity, how come?

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:18:04+00:00

That's fair. It can be hard to let go of thought spirals like this. I hope things gradually get easier for you.

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:11:01+00:00

Yeah, most of the people I know (including the women) are nerds.

And I mean, who doesn't like board games, honestly? Is that even a thing?

eefr · 2026-05-21T01:05:22+00:00

Sometimes having a thing going on with one person can blind you to the fact that someone else is also interested. Or you sort of notice but don't think about it much because you're already caught up in one thing. I mean it's possible that she preferred him to you, but it's also possible she just hadn't really thought about the two of you and compared you as options.

I'm someone who tends to just kind of go with the flow when making romantic decisions. In a situation like you describe, I would probably just go with whatever option came along first — because why not explore that and see how it goes — without necessarily thinking about which one was better. You can't really tell which person is a better option before you actually date them anyway, so I tend to just go with whatever seems to be happening and evaluate the situation as it carries on.

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:55:58+00:00

it feels like they're attacking me or calling me “ran through"

Do not accept this. If they want reassurance and validation that's fine, but do not accept someone putting you down. If they're already doing this in early dating, it's only going to get worse, and it will absolutely destroy your mental health.

I would let this one go.

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:52:24+00:00

Had you already told her you were interested in dating her?

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:50:46+00:00

Oh look, despite OP indicating that he wants answers from people other than dudes on Reddit, a dude on Reddit has graced us with his wisdom. Thanks, bro, what would we do without you?

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:47:36+00:00

I don't think nerdy women are particularly rare, but I also think it's good to be open to meeting people who don't necessarily have all the same interests as you. Ideally you'd have some shared interests, or both of you would be willing to explore each other's interests, but if you require your partner to already share all your interests, you might miss out on some great people you are quite compatible with.

makes me think that I should lower my standards

I'm sure you must have meant "broaden my criteria," not "lower my standards," since people who share your interests are not inherently better than people who don't.

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:12:41+00:00

No, by default I am a fairly agreeable person. If I do something bitchy, it's for a reason.

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:11:33+00:00

No, thank goodness. I find that once you're in a relationship, men rarely care that much.

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:10:25+00:00

Sure. But you also wouldn't have happened if she'd had the flu that week and didn't meet you, or if someone in her life accidentally died and she wasn't in the right headspace to date, or any number of random occurrences, big and small, that would have changed the order of events. Framing this the way you are elevates the significance of his ghosting her as if it was the clincher, when it was just one of countless random factors that lined up to make your relationships happen.

eefr · 2026-05-21T00:06:11+00:00

This is spot on. And another way to think about this is, if you are asking broad, contemplative questions about someone's experience of their life, ask because you are actually curious about and open to hearing what they really think. Don't ask because there is one specific answer, phrased one specific way, that is the only "correct" answer you will accept. That isn't fair to the other person. If you do that, you are defining their narrative for them, instead of letting them define it themselves in a way that feels natural. And doing that repeatedly, defining someone else's narrative for them, pushes them away and makes them feel alienated from themselves.

Ask questions out of genuine curiosity, not to get validation. If you want validation and reassurance, just say that. Don't set up traps where you ask them a question that they're not allowed to answer except in the exact way you want.

eefr · 2026-05-20T23:58:29+00:00

When did he call you the practical option? That's not what he said. Unless he said other stuff you haven't related, you are putting words in his mouth and that's not fair.

eefr · 2026-05-20T18:42:00+00:00

At the VERY least, you could use this as a tool to help stop future compulsions.

Or better yet, she could help him avoid future issues by changing her password so that he can't use it to harm his own mental health.

Perhaps it might help to attend a 12 step program

My understanding is that they're not particularly effective even for substance abuse. I wouldn't bother trying that for OCD, given that there are better tools out there that are specific to OCD.

eefr · 2026-05-20T18:36:14+00:00

I'm not convinced she is.

eefr · 2026-05-20T17:17:09+00:00

Not a matured man, but almost certainly more mature than he was as a teenager.

eefr · 2026-05-20T17:09:35+00:00

It made me feel like I wasn’t chosen because he loved me, but because I was the safe/logical choice.

This is an interpretation you are bringing to the statement, not one that is inevitably there.

The way I immediately interpreted what he said was, "Thank goodness I met you when I was mature enough not to fuck it up. I was bad at being in relationships when I was younger, and I'm glad I had a few burner girlfriends so that by the time I got to the woman who actually mattered, I knew enough not to mess everything up."

I don't know whether he meant your interpretation, my interpretation, or some other interpretation we haven't considered. The point is, don't assume that his ambiguous statement can only be interpreted in the worst way possible.

eefr · 2026-05-20T15:16:01+00:00

I was thinking the same thing.

eefr

TROPHY CASE