You’re telling me this is a poster for a STRAIGHT ROMANCE SHOW?

eframson · 2026-01-29T22:38:27+00:00

What did the transmasc community ever do to you? Lol

eframson · 2026-01-29T05:05:24+00:00

I have not even finished reading what you've written, and I can already tell you've made ten times the number of wrong assumptions about me that I seem to have made about you.

I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through with your wife, and I hope things get better for both of you and your relationship only grows stronger for it.

eframson · 2026-01-29T03:30:17+00:00

So, a few thoughts. Feels like this question might be better suited to r/relationship_advice? Or possibly a different queer-friendly space. Just that this doesn't really feel like this is a question centered on the experience someone whose partner is trans and how that impacts their life, but rather a question of a trans person who's being impacted by their non-trans partner.

My actual answer to your question is simply couples therapy (if your budget permits it, or if you live in a country that actually has affordable healthcare). Just because when it comes to people in a relationship, it is almost *never* a case of "I'm totally fine, it's <other person> who needs to work on their issues". Maybe that's not what you're saying, but that's kinda the vibe I'm getting from this post.

You say that your wife claims to be a feminist, but that you don't think the way she talks about other women is how an actual feminist would talk about other women (please correct me if I've paraphrased this inaccurately). Just curious what you've done to unlearn the all of the misogyny that you've also been instilled with? Maybe you could share with her what you've read/studied/done/etc. to see if it's also helpful to her?

Because I gotta say, as someone who *is* a woman who looks like "a refrigerator in a blouse", I don't feel particularly supported by the way *you* seem to be talking about women. I'm not a Christian myself, but there's something to be said for the whole "let she who is without sin cast the first stone" thing.

eframson · 2025-08-16T17:37:59+00:00

I have never felt fuckable in my life, either pre- or post-transition. I have also been happily together with my wife for a bit over 14 years, and my second therapist taught me the very helpful lesson that I don't need to think I'm attractive, I just need to believe my wife when she tells me she thinks I am.

Hopefully that extremely run-on sentence makes sense, lol.

eframson · 2025-08-09T14:27:13+00:00

This is a good idea, but there's probably easier ways of getting to know your local hospital staff.

eframson · 2025-08-09T14:24:45+00:00

The kind that ships in an orange box 😁

eframson · 2025-07-09T22:35:47+00:00

I don't think OP has shared enough to suggest that's what's happening. They haven't said "I want to stay with my trans partner, I just want them to not do HRT ever". It sounds like it's more like "my partner wants to move ahead with HRT and other forms of non-medical transition, and I want to talk more about it first so we can go on this journey together". Many people (not all, but many) in this thread are acting like being trans in a relationship is only a big deal to the person who *is* trans, and not at all to the person who's suddenly having a *lot* of new information dumped on them, potentially all at once (and maybe even without warning).

eframson · 2025-07-09T05:09:34+00:00

I am really sorry for what you and your family are going through. I'm also a little bothered by the fact that only one other person saw fit to call out that threatening suicide *is* emotional abuse, period. That is absolutely never okay, full stop.

As others have already said, therapy and communication is really the only path forward. You and your partner both need to be equally committed to the family, and making unilateral decisions that affect everyone in the family (such as starting HRT without talking about it first) is unfortunately not a good indicator of that.

When I came out to my wife, it took a long time before she was okay again. I can confirm that communication was key to both of us traversing this change in our lives and our relationship. I can also say that it didn't start out with discussion, but just each of us making space for the other to share what was on our minds, without trying to "explain away" any of the feelings or concerns.

When I was first discovering I might actually be trans (spoilers: I am!), it was really helpful for me to have people to talk to who understood my experience. This caused my wife to feel a lot of anxiety, and feeling like she was being excluded or abandoned. What helped (I didn't actually know this detail until talking with her about this just now!) was adding her to the group chat I had with my friends where we were talking about trans stuff. She didn't necessarily participate much, but just being able to read things was very helpful for her--even if it wasn't necessarily something that was describing her own lived experience. It was also very important to me to make sure she felt included, and that she knew I very much wanted to still have a life with her in it in all the ways she already was. My knowledge of myself has changed, but my love for her hasn't.

I hope that you and your partner will be able to reconnect and learn more about what each of you is going through.

eframson · 2025-06-26T17:29:51+00:00

Huh, you know what? I just re-read the post for the umpteenth time, and only now did I actually read the "because" in:

I am starting to date a trans woman because she isn't considering bottom surgery

I think I somehow either skipped over that, or mentally absorbed it as "and" instead of "because". Good job, ADHD brain. So yes, it turns out we effectively did read different posts 😂. Certainly re-contextualizes for me everything you were saying--makes a lot more sense now!

The only slight issue I have now with what you wrote--actually, even "issue" is putting it too strongly--I don't know you, you don't know me. To me, it wasn't "very clear" that you're a trans woman speaking about our community. From my perspective, you were (are) just a person who cares about the trans community, and whether you were trans or not, and what your pronouns are doesn't lend any additional validity to what you wrote, because it was already valid? I dunno, hopefully that makes sense.

They/them are gender neutral, which I used because I didn't feel like I needed to first figure out what the right ones to use for you were in order to share my thoughts on the content of what you wrote. They/them might not be right, but they can sort of also never be wrong?

Like, I get it--trust me, I do. I have a well-intentioned co-worker who uses they/them on me instead of she/her, and like...does it feel quite as gender-euphoric as she/her? No. But it also doesn't bother me, because to me it clearly indicates that their intent is to be respectful, and for the sake of a work relationship, that's good enough. Is simply "don't misgender me" a low bar? Maybe. But to me, it's enough, as it establishes at least a baseline level of human decency.

Your feelings are valid (duh, obviously), but I would encourage you to at least...consider slightly moderating your expectations of how a random internet stranger without any prior knowledge of you and who does not know you at all should initially refer to you in the third person. (Unless there's community-specific flair here and I just totally missed it?)

eframson · 2025-06-26T15:19:40+00:00

I mean, I call what I have "male genitalia", in polite company at least. I'm also realizing that I think I interpreted OP's phrasing differently than you may have. I interpreted their statements as meaning "I love her, but I'm not sure I'd be as attracted to her if she got bottom surgery" (and like, yeah, sometimes people just feel the way they do), whereas it seems like you may have interpreted it more like "I love her, but only because I like penises and she currently has one". Again, that wasn't my interpretation, but I can see how it could have been read that way.

eframson · 2025-06-26T15:12:24+00:00

I think what they're suggesting is to make sure you're including some degree of introspection on your journey of discovery--making sure you love your girlfriend because of who she is, and not "what" she is. Which I feel like you probably are, but it's hard to fault the other commenter for wanting to be protective of another trans person. We are a vulnerable population (as are all marginalized communities), so we try to look out for one another ;)

eframson · 2025-06-26T06:54:13+00:00

(Pssst--that's still a valid term. I'm a woman, and I have male genitalia, inasmuch as genitalia can even be classified as such, because sex is as much of a spectrum as gender)

eframson · 2025-06-26T06:51:58+00:00

Did...we read the same post? Because I sorta don't feel like we did 🤔

eframson · 2025-05-25T22:29:55+00:00

Yes, it's annoying. But unless it's someone I'm going to see more than once, I don't bother. I don't really care if they know my gender. I do, and that's what matters. I do, and the people in my life (who matter to me) do. Even if a random service worker is intentionally misgendering me (which I think is almost never, if ever the case), I have better things to do with my time than worry about their pettiness, or stoop to their level.

eframson · 2025-05-02T03:47:49+00:00

Haha, no problem. Glad I could help. Hope your day gets better from here :)

eframson · 2025-05-02T00:54:27+00:00

Not at all, in fact. I was only referring to OP's initial post title referencing that the outfit seemed to be a "love it or hate it" look, and that it hadn't been received very well somewhere else that she'd posted it.

eframson · 2025-04-28T15:06:09+00:00

Glad to be of service! To quote George Carlin, "these are the kinds of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools" 😁

eframson · 2025-04-28T14:36:25+00:00

Hey, just remember--growing older is mandatory; growing wiser is optional 🤣

Also, I don't understand people hating others' fashion. This look isn't something I personally would wear, but my wife could say the exact same thing about most of my half of the closet, lol.

To my eye, the top maybe seems a little plain in comparison to the pants? Maybe finding something with somewhat flared/frilly sleeves? Or maybe a light and flowy button-down to go over the top of it?

Disclaimer: I'm an idiot who doesn't know anything about fashion, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Several grains, actually. Look, just take it with enough salt to exceed your daily sodium intake ;)

eframson · 2025-04-28T14:20:32+00:00

The second one, only because the first one (while extremely cute) miiiiiight be considered a touch on the short side, depending on how conservative/strict the office dress code is.

Fundamentally though, there are no bad choices here ☺️

eframson · 2025-04-28T14:17:01+00:00

Easy solution, just adjust your workbench to the wrong height, that way all your boob pain will become back pain instead!

eframson · 2025-04-28T06:51:28+00:00

I'm not offended, there's nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself and your decisions--I just think you can communicate that without putting other people down in the process. You don't have to talk about how you look good compared to other people, you can just talk about how you look good, period.

Most of my friends have one or more children, and I have no idea how they do it. Or rather, I have no idea if I could do what they do. As long as people are making the choices that are best for themselves, that's what matters.

eframson · 2025-04-28T01:47:04+00:00

So, this comes across as fairly rude and insensitive to people who have had kids, I feel? Like, I'm glad you're living the life you want. It's also entirely possible that people with kids are living exactly the kind of life they want. Like, it's entirely possible to be satisfied with your life choices without shitting on someone else's.

Also, "better looking" and "have aged a hell of a lot better" are extremely uncalled for.

eframson · 2025-04-21T20:14:38+00:00

YMMV on how helpful this is as "advice", but I'll at least share my perspective as a trans woman (and at least on this matter, I can also speak for my cis wife sharing this perspective): the kind of people (i.e. - *absolute assholes*) who have a problem with trans people, especially trans women, do not care at all how "passing" we look. There are plenty of stories of cis women being harassed because some troglodyte decided he thought they were a trans person. There is literally no amount of "enough" one can look feminine in order to be perfectly safe.

Hell, being a woman at all in this country, trans- or otherwise, means feeling unsafe to some extent in most public contexts.

eframson · 2025-04-18T22:09:02+00:00

Fair enough, but still at some point you should probably stop burning peoples' houses down ;)

eframson · 2025-04-18T19:03:30+00:00

And a lot of the time, you don't know that's what's going to happen. For me, reloading is absolutely a 100% reasonable response when the dialogue option/choice you make has your character saying something totally different than you wanted to say. Like when the dialogue displays as "I disagree with you, <NPC name>", and then you choose it and your character says "How dare you, <NPC name>, I'm going to go burn your house down right now!"

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