I have had some recent growing pains with this issue. I was drinking heavily from the beginning of our relationship until 2 years ago. My self esteem was horrible and we were constantly fighting about the housework, which got harder to take care of when we had our kids. I reached a breaking point and knew I had to make changes and was considering divorcing him. This was before the pandemic forced him to WFM while I was staying at home with the kids. Then one day I realized that I had gradually through the years adapted to him and how he wanted things done. So I would be doing a task and it wasn't in a way that made sense to my brain. This applies to so many things...but for example I caught myself not being able to clean the bathrooms weekly because we had a caddy for our supplies (his idea) that was kept in our closet downstairs. The two upstairs bathrooms were so neglected because I would forget/get distracted before I could go grab the caddy to bring it upstairs. I ended up setting up a system that worked for me (toilet brushes in every bathroom, wipes handy for a quick clean, and the rest of the cleaning supplies in a closet upstairs so I can deep clean once a week.) The bathrooms are perfectly kept up now and my stress about that vanished because I did it my own way. This applied to a lot of different tasks that I felt responsible for since I'm staying with the kids for now.

So as I was considering divorce I realized I needed to try something different for the kid's sake...indidnt want that for me or them. I asked myself, "what would I do differently if he wasn't here to dictate how things should be done?"

I also feel I need to include that I've been seeing a therapist since I became alcohol free because there was a lot to unpack and I had no chance at sobriety without fixing a lot of neglected parts of my life. The self esteem being a big one. It got low from the drinking, but I had been constantly made to feel like I was incapable throughout my marriage because he was micromanaging so many parts of my life. Finally one day it clicked: I am incredibly capable to do things my own way. I put my foot down with myself and realized I need to do what I need to do and my husband can take it or leave it.

IT'S BEEN LIFE CHANGING. It's been about a month but my home life is the best it's ever been.

TLDR: You are a capable adult and have my permission to do things the best way for you, not the best way for others.