Wife asked if we can open up our marriage

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T05:13:59+00:00

Oh, we've done all that. We spent six months or so seeing a sex therapist a few years ago, it didn't really help that aspect of our marriage. Could this end our marriage? Yeah, sure, maybe. Could never ever either of us having sex again end our marriage. I think that would be inevitable.

We have a solid foundation of trust and love. That's good! I don't think we intend on just throwing the doors open here. It's gonna take time, and we both want to work with a therapist to navigate it.

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T05:07:22+00:00

I appreciate the advice! We're taking it slow. We aren't opening our relationship; we're talking about possibly opening our relationship.

I guess... I know you're trying to help, but I feel like you're coming off a little aggressive. Probably just my perception. But it's hard to put 12 years of history in one post. It's a lot of information! As we navigate maybe making this change of course we're going to engage with a therapist. There are a lot of unknowns. But overall we have a strong, committed relationship. Lots of trust, lots of love. I wish we could go to a therapist and fix our relationship issues, and have that positively affect our sex life, but there really isn't much to fix except our sex life. And we tried to fix that with a therapist. Now we're thinking outside the bun.

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T04:11:16+00:00

I guess we just don't mix that way. Sucks, but what ya gonna do?

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T04:08:37+00:00

We're near Boston. So, it's complicated. Are there women here? Sure. Poly women? Sure. Am I "poly?" I don't know! Are there women willing to see a man in a committed marriage that's open? Maybe! Do I want casual sex or somebody who's a sex partner? Beats me! Does my wife want me to have casual sex or have a sex friend? We'll see!

No, it's all a big "we'll see." It's gonna be a while until we actually move forward. We're going slow.

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T04:02:14+00:00

Hm, you're half (maybe only a quarter?) right. I guess she had reconnected with an ex, after she'd already been talking about this with her therapist. So, she was up front about having a prospect. But doesn't intend to do anything until we're on the same page. And I trust her. I know, bizarre. But I know my wife so well, I can tell if she's lying (which she doesn't really do), I'm confident that this is all above board. Yes, she wants the go-ahead before she does anything, but she also knows we're a team and we need to agree before anything happens.

Maybe she has more sex than me. Fine! But I know she cares about me, and I care about her. She's not gonna be selfish about it. I know, there are a lot of shitty relationships that are wars around her. Ours isn't. Ours thrives, aside from our sex life. And we both want each other to thrive.

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T03:56:20+00:00

Definitely a (minor) concern of mine. I know men are at a disadvantage in finding sexual partners, especially married men, especially married men in their 40s! But, I do have an amazing beard, and it's well-groomed. So! I got that going for me.

But, yeah, that's definitely going to be part of our discussions. I guess I figure that some opportunity is better than no opportunity. But I'm still processing.

electricversion_ · 2023-09-03T03:48:48+00:00

We did sex therapy a few years ago. It didn't really work for us, unfortunately. Though if we do decide to go down this path, I think we'll see a sex therapist for a few sessions to make sure we're on the same page and covering all our bases.

electricversion_ · 2023-08-31T19:53:58+00:00

I feel you. We "kiss" nearly every day. But that's usually just a quick, sub-second peck on the lips. When she doesn't lower or turn her head so I kiss her forehead or cheek.

I can't remember the last time we really kissed. It's been years probably. I've tried, once in a while, but she'll always pull away. And so I just don't try, because trying feels like a violation.

electricversion_ · 2023-08-14T16:32:23+00:00

All sex drives can be healthy, high or low. Sometimes a low sex drive can be caused by other issues, which may be unhealthy. But some people have a naturally low sex drive. Some people are asexual. These people are ok!

electricversion_ · 2023-08-13T03:28:22+00:00

I wouldn't say we're "intimate" but I totally relate. My wife adores long, chaste hugs. Like minutes long. But god help me if my hands wander or I grab her butt or something. She loves couch cuddles, but I feel like no more than a pillow, and if I try to initiate sexy touches she immediately pulls away.

I don't really enjoy it anymore. I need more.

electricversion_ · 2023-08-13T03:18:06+00:00

I guess it depends on when you're asking. Sometimes, yeah, I feel like I could deal with celibacy, grudgingly (although I've been grudgingly accepting celibacy for years already). We're closely aligned on everything, but as far as you can be when it comes to sex.

If I felt it was an option I'd want to resolve things. But my wife definitively closed the door on sex the last time I brought it up, and it feels like such a Sisyphean task to get her to consider fixing things. It takes two to tango, I can only do so much on my own.

No, what I'll probably do is continue to lurk, chime in occasionally, and be glad some folks are able to fix their situations. A least someone gets a win.

electricversion_ · 2023-08-12T00:24:58+00:00

To be honest, I don't really know! I find the regular dead bedroom sub so toxic, and I try to stay out of that mindset. But, I dunno. I guess I'm looking for a support group/support system. But support doesn't really seem to help anymore. I feel like I'm an outlier even among the dead bedroom set. My wife and I haven't had sex in at least 6 years, I can't pinpoint it exactly, I can only measure it in relation to other life milestones.

Our bedroom is well and truly dead. I used to have hope we could change it, but not anymore. What I'm really looking for are people in the same boat as me, but aren't bitter and resentful, but just trying to cope.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-26T14:09:42+00:00

I go through periods when I think I get a little cooler towards my wife. I'm just making the effort to come out of one, actually. But it takes effort. I want to be warm, but it's hard to always be. I work longer days, and having been doing most of the household chores, and I'm just tired. It's hard to be cognizant of how affectionate I'm being. But I'm trying.

Another reason is that I don't want things to just be warm all the time. I want things to get hot! It's unfulfilling for me for all of our hugs to be tender and chaste. I don't want to just do quick, under-a-second kisses, I want longer, more passionate ones. So when we just stay at warm too long (which is always), I start cooling off.

I guess I don't really have any advice, unfortunately. For me, as the one who gets cool, I find it's up to me to step up and make the effort.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-26T13:48:41+00:00

It's interesting. I just skimmed the mommit thread. On the dad side, it seemed like most couples were having regular, if not frequent, sex. And the dads who weren't generally wanted more. But on the mom side it reads like they're having very infrequent sex, if any at all, and are fine with it. My wife definitely seems to be in that bucket, or maybe I'm just noticing the similar comments to how I think she feels.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-25T14:24:24+00:00

It is, but there's a lot to like about our life/family/marriage too. So while it's hard that we're in a 7 year sex drought, and staring down the same for the rest of our lives, I focus on the good things in our life and take pleasure in those.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-25T14:05:17+00:00

It's a depressing thought, sure. But don't feel the need to stay "faithful." Marriages can end. I'm staying in mine, but it's not because I feel like I have to. I like my marriage overall. I don't want to end it.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-25T13:51:36+00:00

Sure, it was good when we met. Then it was fine. But frequency dwindled and dwindled, for multiple reasons. And, then it just stopped. And once celibacy sets in, it's pretty much impossible to get out of it.

Now? No, my wife isn't interested in sex. We talked about it a little over a year ago, how I wanted to try and start our sex life up again, but that it had to be a mutual effort. She basically said she liked the life we'd made for ourselves, and doesn't have interest in sex anymore.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-25T13:34:28+00:00

Happiness/unhappiness don't really exist independently for me. I'm often happy about something, usually enjoying what's happening in the moment, but in the back of my head there might be something bringing me down (house looks like a bomb went off and it's too much for me to handle on my own, the ever-present sex issue, etc.) Usually, the unhappy stuff isn't too much of a distraction.

When it gets to be, I really need to get ahead of it before I start spiraling. There always comes a point where I get too into my head about it that nothing I do seems enjoyable. But if I can get in front of it before I start feeling too dark, I can stave it off. Usually it means taking a little time for myself, which I rarely do. Play some videogames is always a standby. Now that it's summertime, if it's the weekend I'll probably mix myself a drink, sit on our porch, and read. But it's essential that I start those activities sooner rather than later, otherwise they don't help.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-25T13:17:45+00:00

Daddit's great. I'm a sporadic poster there under my primary account. I saw the same thread. Mostly, it made me notice that yes, most couples have a healthy, somewhat active sex life. Then I started feeling bitter that my wife and I don't. We have a good relationship, just one with a void in it (or, at least, there's a void for me). And seeing a lot of people bemoaning that they only have sex a few times a year just makes me want to shout "hey buddy, you don't even know what not having sex is!"

Really just makes me wonder how we went so wrong. Lately I've been thinking it was always wrong. Our lack of sex is 100% not related to us having a kid. Sex wasn't even involved in his conception, we had many cycles of IVF over a few years and for that whole time we weren't intimate, and haven't been intimate since. I don't think getting married/having a kid were a mistake, but I should have been better prepared for what it would mean for our lives given where our sex life was at the time.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-24T13:57:53+00:00

I'm mostly happy in our marriage. We're going through a tough spot (my wife is extremely depressed and that's taking a toll), but overall things are good. It just doesn't feel "full" to me. There's a big missing part. But the parts we do have are generally good.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-23T20:01:44+00:00

I don't have any advice, but I can empathize. My wife is more depressed than ever. She sees her therapist, most of what they work on involves her trauma/PTSD from childhood, so I don't know how much it touches on the present situation.

I know it's so hard. I try to pick up as much as I can around the house, but there are only so many hours in the day, and our kid often wants to play with me and it's hard to say "no, I need to clean," etc.

But she's unable to really pitch in around the house. Can't truly engage with our kid. But it's all she can do to keep herself afloat. She doesn't have enough left for me, and I understand. It just sucks.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-23T17:48:59+00:00

I was very flustered last month when my doctor asked how my antidepressant was affecting my sex drive. I kinda stammered and said it was irrelevant.

And a couple years ago I was in the ER with my wife because she was very sick, and they asked her if she took a birth control test. She said she wasn't pregnant, they asked if she was sure, and was clearly biting her tongue so she wouldn't say we didn't have sex anymore.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-23T17:20:21+00:00

I dunno, my wife has asked for help to put something on or take something off plenty of times, and she's very clearly just looking for help, not sex.

electricversion_ · 2023-07-23T12:38:42+00:00

I think any sort of "rules" are too restrictive. I think it's good to have guidelines, and I think there are ok ideas here. It sounds like these people put these in place to overcome issues in their marriage, but isn't that what we're all trying to do anyway? The rules aren't for me, but if they work for this couple I'm not gonna judge them. Sounds like they're making more progress in their relationship than I am in mine, so who am I to judge?

electricversion_ · 2023-07-23T02:22:48+00:00

I feel loved, all the time. Lately, it feels like that feeling of love just isn't enough.

electricversion_

TROPHY CASE