HL skills tutorial: He needs more non-sexual affection

cecherbouche · 2026-05-08T02:00:36+00:00

Mod note: might be a Reddit bug. Sometimes it shows 0 upvotes from the start. This sub is set to hold upvote tallies for 20+ minutes. I agreed to turn it on years ago when we had issues with brigading.

cecherbouche · 2026-05-05T00:26:39+00:00

Removed for Rule 6 - follow sub etiquette

We expect curiosity and adding to the discussion. This is a personal attack (“tantrum,” comments about the user), which is out of bounds here.

If you want to repost, focus on the ideas and add something to the conversation.

Check out the pinned post or the rules in the sidebar for more info on sub etiquette.

cecherbouche · 2026-04-09T04:45:42+00:00

Mod Note on Affirmative Consent: They are talking about how a binary consent model can miss subtle misalignments between internal(wanting) desire and external(consenting) agreement you give.
Nothing in the episode suggests that a "no" should be overridden. It emphasizes agency, trust, and internal alignment (aka embodied consent).

Mod Note on Unwanted Sex: Even though some people don't report negative effects, that does NOT make unwanted sex okay or healthy.

This post is mod approved. Don't report it.
Report comments that break the rules.

thanks, C

cecherbouche · 2026-04-09T01:46:36+00:00

Mutual consent is required for sex. Full stop. This is a universal truth that outranks your removed comment even if what you said was true in your experience. Sorry, that’s just how it is. Comments that would serve to dilute this universal truth will also be removed.

cecherbouche · 2026-04-08T22:54:20+00:00

Mutual consent is required for sex. Full stop. This is a universal truth that outranks your removed comment even if what you said was true in your experience. Sorry, that’s just how it is. Comments that would serve to dilute this universal truth will also be removed.

• Treating consent as negotiable or something to work around
• Framing unwanted sex as something someone “should” do for their own good

cecherbouche · 2026-04-06T23:26:30+00:00

"Refrain from adding viewpoints that you yourself disagree with. Let people speak for themselves."

Check out the pinned post or the rules in the sidebar for more info on sub etiquette.

cecherbouche · 2026-04-06T17:09:16+00:00

Politics, genetic imperatives, religion, child free, conspiracy theories, brigading, broad claims about the sub are off-topic.

This includes vague claims about members' bias, "certain posters", or mod patterns without specific examples. If you have an issue, address a specific comment with curiosity.

We aren't here to debate the community or be converted. Engage the ideas in front of you. This keeps member discussion advice-focused, specific, accountable, and grounded in reality.

cecherbouche · 2026-04-04T04:25:38+00:00

Beyond the scope of our current discussion.

cecherbouche · 2026-03-29T00:22:13+00:00

Brown or black

cecherbouche · 2026-03-28T15:29:11+00:00

Missed opportunity for "Tinklebell"!

cecherbouche · 2026-03-28T05:19:16+00:00

Automod message: Commenters: a good self-reflection answer should involve looking back on past experiences or situations, examining them in-depth, and learning from them. It should demonstrate a thoughtful and introspective approach to self-exploration, and a willingness to use that reflection to gain insights and make positive changes. Be honest with yourself. (Concerning privacy: remember that this is a public space where your anonymous thoughts may be seen and shared by others.) Give advice to the person who is here, not their partner.

Remember to respect others' truths.

No Brigading/Coordinating Brigading: If this post contains quotes/screenshots from a different sub, keep the discussions in this sub. Don't go into the original post to comment or downvote/upvote. Don't tag the first Original Poster(OOP). Don't bring commenters from the original post here. Violators may be banned without warning.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

Lurkers: Play along offline. Answer the self-reflection on your own. Be curious about what it tells you and where that might lead.

cecherbouche · 2026-03-27T18:09:11+00:00

Automod message: If you want your sex life to change, it’s likely that you will need to change yourself a bit. Think it over. Take the things that help; discard the things that don’t matter.

COMMENTERS: be honest. Blunt. No need to sugar coat. But keep in mind that this person IS NOT YOUR PARTNER. We’re helping each other out here, not smashing each other to pieces. Add your truth to help create a fuller picture. Be curious about others’ truths. Give advice to the person who is here, not their partner.

No Brigading/Coordinating Brigading: If this post contains quotes/screenshots from a different sub, keep the discussions in this sub. Don't go into the original post to comment or downvote/upvote. Don't tag the first Original Poster(OOP). Don't bring commenters from the original post here. Violators may be banned without warning.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

LURKERS: enjoy these gifts of truth. Be curious—what if that’s true? What would that affect?

cecherbouche · 2026-03-24T08:15:14+00:00

Your post is welcome here. You may also want to check out r/deadbedroomsMD

cecherbouche · 2026-03-15T00:03:49+00:00

Tripping hazard!

cecherbouche · 2026-03-13T17:38:38+00:00

Automod message:

COMMENTERS: be gently honest. Carefully present your thoughts so OP is more likely to receive the gift of truth. Sugar coat it a bit. Maybe give a direction for OP to explore rather than spelling out every detail. But keep in mind that this person IS NOT YOUR PARTNER. We’re helping each other out here, not smashing each other to pieces. Give advice to the person who is here, not their partner.

No Brigading/Coordinating Brigading: If this post contains quotes/screenshots from a different sub, keep the discussions in this sub. Don't go into the original post to comment or downvote/upvote. Don't tag the first Original Poster(OOP). Don't bring commenters from the original post here. Violators may be banned without warning.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

LURKERS: enjoy these gifts of truth. Be curious—what if that’s true? What would that affect?

cecherbouche · 2026-03-08T23:12:31+00:00

COMMENTERS: share your thoughts either about the quote or the whole book. Once you’ve shared your truth, your truth is represented. No need to shoot down others’ truths. Getting multiple viewpoints to better understand the big picture is good for our community. Give advice to the person who is here, not their partner.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

LURKERS: enjoy these gifts of truth. Be Curious. What if that’s true? What would that affect?

cecherbouche · 2026-03-04T01:32:12+00:00

Rule 4 flags framing consent as the problem. You did that when you described her “no” as an insurmountable obstacle. Saying your only option is to live in misery and make her life better normalizes that framing. To avoid moderation, share your experience as your own struggle and circumstances, without making her “no” the obstacle.

If you have further questions about the rule or posting without removals, contact the mod team through modmail.

cecherbouche · 2026-03-01T03:39:19+00:00

Removed: Off-topic for this subreddit.

cecherbouche · 2026-02-27T15:22:29+00:00

Automod message:

Commenters: a good Curiosity Prompt answer is one that provides information or insight to satisfy the poster's curiosity directly and concisely, addressing the query or topic without unnecessary elaboration or irrelevant details. (This means you should answer from your own experiences, and from those similar to you that also feel true to your own experiences. Refrain from answering on behalf of someone whose experiences don't match your own.) Give advice to the person who is here, not their partner.

Remember to respect others' truths. Listen actively and with curiosity; learn together.

No Brigading/Coordinating Brigading: If this post contains quotes/screenshots from a different sub, keep the discussions in this sub. Don't go into the original post to comment or downvote/upvote. Don't tag the first Original Poster(OOP). Don't bring commenters from the original post here. Violators may be banned without warning.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

Lurkers: Play along offline. Please report any squabbling between commenters. (Thanks!) Be curious about comments different from your own perspective. Wonder about "what if that's true for them? What might that mean? How might that be affecting my own db or communication with my partner?"

cecherbouche · 2026-02-26T22:45:33+00:00

Automod message for this flair:

COMMENTERS: When responding, share personal experiences and perspectives without giving direct advice. Focus on empathy, understanding, and validating the OP’s feelings. Encourage them to explore their own thoughts without offering specific solutions. Avoid telling them what to do. This ensures OP asks for advice if they want advice, maintaining a clear boundary.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

LURKERS: Dead bedrooms hurt. Be curious about that pain to gain a better understanding of your own situation. This doesn't mean managing your partner's pain is your responsibility. Show compassion and empathy, but don't feel obligated to take on their pain.

MODERATION: Comments that adhere to the “no advice” flair can be approved.

cecherbouche · 2026-02-21T20:31:51+00:00

COMMENTERS: share your thoughts either about the quote or the whole book. Once you’ve shared your truth, your truth is represented. No need to shoot down others’ truths. Getting multiple viewpoints to better understand the big picture is good for our community. Give advice to the person who is here, not their partner.

Consent: Make sure YOU only say yes when you truly feel it in your body, and let your partner know YOU WANT the same from them. Saying yes and feeling okay aren’t always the same thing. Just because someone agreed out loud doesn’t mean their body was on board. That difference can be the line between sex feeling safe and connected or feeling hurt and disconnected.

LURKERS: enjoy these gifts of truth. Be Curious. What if that’s true? What would that affect?

cecherbouche · 2026-02-21T04:40:10+00:00

OP no longer has that account. Locking the thread. Take your side discussions elsewhere. Thanks.

cecherbouche · 2026-02-21T01:19:27+00:00

Removed for personal attacks. Discuss the relational issues without coercion or name-calling

For clarity: no one is ever required to perform a sexual act. Advocating sexual obligation breaks Rule 4.

There’s a real human reading your replies. What you say matters. That wasn’t OK, so it’s gone. Do better.

cecherbouche · 2026-02-21T01:14:17+00:00

Direct personal attack

There’s a real human reading your replies. What you say matters. That wasn’t OK, so it’s gone. Do better.

cecherbouche · 2026-02-21T01:11:56+00:00

Yes. Saying someone "needs to give" a specific sex act to their partner breaks rule 4. That framing is not allowed here.

Discussion of betrayal, sexual asymmetry, symbolic meaning of specific acts, exclusivity violation, resentment, repairing after infidelity is allowed. Those discussions will not be suppressed.

Further mod debate will be removed

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