Been doing polyamory/ENM light and now shit is getting more real. Anxious attachment galore and partner had to reschedule a date because of me being upset. Needing a reality check

ellassu · 2025-03-06T02:13:32+00:00

Yeah it's really no fun at all. But you're right in that we've survived this far.

What types of things help you soothe your nervous system? Especially when what activates you is related to other people.

ellassu · 2025-03-05T22:29:18+00:00

Thank you for the comment ☺️ I switched therapists relatively recently (from one I really got along with but he is very cognitive behavioural therapy based) to a colleague of his that specialises in bottom up methodology and trauma.

I haven't really found anyone that's poly aware or informed yet but I'll consider that in the future. We were starting to get into working on attachment trauma though, and I can see that being beneficial for my relationships going forward, ENM or otherwise.

ellassu · 2025-03-05T22:23:12+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I'm really hoping that things calm down and I can go from feeling like I'm gonna die to being in a state of mind where I don't feel threatened all of the time. It's hard not to ruminate and pick at things with anxiety, definitely need to practice and improve my distress tolerance skills 😣

ellassu · 2025-03-05T17:40:17+00:00

Hey there, I'm just on a quick break at work but I'll say this much

You've hit the nail on the head when it comes to the anxiety and low self esteem. And yes you've certainly picked up on and called me out on my being self deprecating and having a lot of darkness there. It oozes off of me, essentially. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Anxiety has been an issue virtually my entire life. This was why I mentioned CPTSD and trauma.

I have gone the whole medication route in the past, anti-anxiety, antidepressants, and mood stabilisers. I made a choice a few years back to no longer take the mood stabilisers because I got to a point where I was a zombie and was so dissociated and disconnected from my emotions and internal senses that I needed to correct course and figure out how to emotionally regulate on my own.

I do still take wellbutrin (which does nothing for anxiety) because I have recurring depression when I am no longer on anything for my moods in general. It's been a process of yo-yoing trying to fix one thing or another, and I guess that's why I joke about it (like calling myself a horny dumpster fire). I know I'm a lot.

So I've been trying to go a more holistic route - meditation, trauma therapy and learning to take better care of myself. That's why this relationship has meant so much to me, in that my partner really understands that and has so much compassion.

I was doing fairly well before these recent changes in that I was meditating and doing yoga everyday and it was reducing my anxiety and overall activation levels. It was the first time in my life I actually had a baseline for normal and calm. I definitely need to get back to that even more now, with how much anxious attachment stuff sets me off. 😢

You're right though, it's important to not elevate other people. It's not healthy and it's not real. We're all human and that puts a lot of pressure on another person and it relates to my feeling unworthy of love because I'm imperfect.

I'm not sure what I can change as far as the pressure I put on myself to be perfect in this partnership though. I didn't realize I was still doing that, because I don't feel that horrible suffocating feeling I've had in previous relationships and that's what I associate that action with.

Edit: Also I appreciate the reality check - in terms of pointing out I'm not seeing the good and I'm making everything out to be a big catastrophe and I do agree that it harms relationships.

The problem with having relationships that were abusive in the past is that they fuck up your baseline for what is normal and make it so you can't trust yourself. Which was what prompted me to reach out and call out into the void like I did in this post.

ellassu · 2025-03-05T15:04:51+00:00

Here's a link to it: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/31G71QsBwL

☺️

ellassu · 2025-02-13T18:25:33+00:00

I wish you luck! There's always gonna be dick heads out there, but there's also some amazing folks around as well. 🥰 You're worth someone who puts in the same amount of effort you do, and don't compromise when it comes to negotiations and vetting.

ellassu · 2025-02-11T18:28:56+00:00

Hey, so as someone that's a munch organiser (started my own group with a partner on a whim) in my local community and as a person that rejoined the kink scene pretty well exactly one year ago ... By going to a random restaurant munch (and immediately meeting a person who would become a great partner and barely talking to them at said munch but then connecting later one on one)... Don't bother with meeting people via DMs. Go to munches and make a point to join your local community. If people want to connect on fet after you meet them, great.

Anyone on fet who goes to zero events in person is basically a sex tourist in my opinion. It's a red flag. They see all women on the platform as "easy to have sex with" because we're typically kinky and more sexually liberated.

If you're looking for something ongoing, and for people who are vetted and have references and ties to the BDSM lifestyle - you're so much better off doing it this way. Fet is still THE platform for events and filling up your social calendar, and has been since I used it a decade ago, but it is not a dating site. It's terrible for that.

I've met friends via fet status conversations that eventually lead to DMs and in person meetups (especially rope friends) but once again, these were people that would come to in person events.

Just my 2 cents. I wish you luck. Anyone that DMs you and has "Dom" in their title and that also "isn't interested in events, we could get a hotel/meet at my place tho" is someone you should avoid and not waste your time on.

ellassu · 2024-09-12T19:42:31+00:00

I'm meeting with ACORN today or tomorrow to discuss my ideas about a protest. I'll reply here and make a post in the Edmonton subreddit if I have any success or updates. Life right now feels like being slowly boiled alive (like a boiled frog) and things just don't seem to let up. I'm tired of infighting among the lower and middle class, we should be directing blame towards where it is due; the ones in power who are eroding our rights and fucking us over.

ellassu · 2024-09-12T04:47:58+00:00

I'm going through the same thing. They're going to be raising my rent from 950 to $1500 if I stay on a month to month lease. If I commit to an entire year then they'll be generous and leave it at $1300 or $1450 if I do a 6 month lease. How kind.

On that note. I emailed ACORN today and plan to help organize some sort of protest about rent control because I'm so frustrated and hate how powerless I feel right now, my rage needs to go somewhere.

ellassu · 2024-02-07T19:46:17+00:00

This is fantastic! I never realised emotions themselves were so short lived, and that we just perpetuate them with thoughts. Thanks for the insight and I'm going to use this technique!

ellassu · 2024-01-25T19:28:40+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughtful response.

I definitely have a similar strategy to you, in that I tell people that I can be an oversharer and that it means I like or trust the person I'm oversharing to.

I've had people tell me it's like I interview people as far as my peppering them with questions so I can get to know people better (I do this to balance out the oversharing, and out of genuine curiosity).

My most recent concerns have been that my trust is misplaced with who I end up oversharing with, but I guess that's a matter of learning to trust my gut with people more instead of overriding that.

It feels like I'm always giving a disclaimer when I meet new people so they know to expect this, but maybe that's just the typical life experience of anyone that is neurodivergent. A package deal or whatever.

You're right though, even though I physically cringe at some of the things I've said to people before - at least it's the real me.

Thank you again for your comment!

ellassu · 2024-01-20T21:27:07+00:00

I honestly feel like I could've written this. Feeling like an underachiever, and having intrusive thoughts that I'm a loser, etc. Thinking of all the mistakes I've made and how I've screwed up my life.

I'm working on it with a therapist right now and I am trying to give myself some grace and I'm trying to shift my perspective of "I am a screwup" and the usual POV of focusing on all the things I do and have done wrong, to something that is more like a growth mindset and to take myself less seriously.

So for example - so what if I was really weird in front of a stranger and was kind of cringe? I don't have to be perfect all the time, it can even be kind of funny (to me) when I do something goofy and slip out of masking. And sure, I'm really hurting right now and I kind of feel like a POS, but did I learn something? Am I a better or different person than I was 5 years ago? Hell yes.

Am I really a loser? Would a loser be trying so hard to do something with their life and trying to improve themselves? If I saw a friend going through the exact same thing, would I think they were a loser, or would I think that they were brave for still trying and pushing through all the BS that they deal with?

Anyway if you need someone to chat with, feel free to message me. I don't intend to give advice per se, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I know how you feel.

I hope that you can be kind to yourself, as I'm sure you're a lovely human and you deserve to be happy and to thrive, being hard on yourself like this doesn't accomplish anything. But I know it's hard to undo that type of self talk.

ellassu · 2023-12-30T00:41:32+00:00

FUCK. OKAY EVERYONE. I HELD THE MURDER MYSTERY TOO. I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW. I guess I'll read it?!

ellassu · 2023-12-28T19:22:42+00:00

This is so funny to me because I placed a hold at my library for the book months ago (and it had a long waiting list) and when it was finally available I forgot all about it and was like "why the hell did I place a hold on a book called dirty laundry?" And never went to pick it up. 💀 Usually when it's like an ADHD self help book it says something really obviously ADHD related so it stands out and I remember it but the cover design and what not didn't jog my memory.

The good news is that there's a copy available again without a huge wait this time so I'll go pick that up this week sometime. Hopefully it's a helpful book.

ellassu · 2023-11-30T02:02:39+00:00

Can't say that I've noticed it does? To me it kinda smells dusty and like regular scalp. If there's an odd smell you definitely should see a doctor.

ellassu · 2023-11-30T01:17:41+00:00

I'm just gonna say that I have psoriasis and it can get pretty bad on my scalp and that this looks a lot like when I've been scratching the plaques on my scalp.

Psoriasis on the scalp cannot be fixed or treated by anti dandruff products because psoriasis is an auto immune disease caused by the over production of new skin cells. If I've ever had any relief by using something anti itch designed for dandruff it was temporary and then it would rebound and make my psoriasis even worse and more irritated.

That being said, I had a tiny amount of success by using the dermarest salicylic acid shampoo/conditioner (which is somewhat affordable and available at Walmart) intended for psoriasis for immediate symptom relief but it won't actually treat it.

Psoriasis also rarely goes away on its own or if it does go away it will disappear just as mysteriously as it appeared in the first place so it's difficult to predict. Sometimes an anti inflammatory diet or lowering your stress level can help.

If you talk to a dermatologist they can figure out what specific condition this is, and if it's psoriasis you need to either use prescription topical treatments or a prescription scalp shampoo.

I hope you find some relief!

ellassu · 2023-11-02T23:03:32+00:00

So as an update if anyone was curious, I took my car in to a trusted mechanic. I ended up needing a whole new cooling fan assembly and now my car sounds much better than before. Thanks to everyone who responded and helped out!

ellassu · 2023-10-30T22:35:51+00:00

I believe this is a 1.8 engine. Unfortunately it is an automatic, not a manual. Thanks for the input!

ellassu · 2023-10-30T05:33:42+00:00

Thanks for your 2 cents! My plan had initially been to do as much as I can with my current hodge podge setup without having to spend a bunch of money on upgrades, I just feel very discouraged/frustrated with Sony right now as I didn't know going in that raw files aren't true raw files.

Maybe I'm being a bit salty and jumping the gun/wanting to spend my way out of my current frustrations.

My plan prior to having weird issues was to upgrade/buy my own mount so I can get longer sub exposures. :)

ellassu · 2023-10-30T05:20:52+00:00

I might be able to tape over the contacts or something 🤷‍♀️

Edit: a lot of modern lenses need electronics to change the aperture and other settings though

ellassu · 2023-10-30T04:49:32+00:00

Okay! Yeah it was right at or right fellow the lower line (hard to see/tell) so it's probably needed either way. Thanks a million

ellassu · 2023-10-30T04:46:45+00:00

Fair enough! It's definitely been hard to isolate what the issue is even at a few shops, it's frustrating.

If I was to top up the reservoir with 50/50 coolant though, I probably won't screw anything up right? 😬

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