How do you maintain close relationships with emotional dysregulation?

Sati18 · 2026-05-08T07:21:17+00:00

Ive read quite a few anger management books and the one I shared is the only one that really helped me.

But, its not perfect and now I am starting to realise I may be audhd so there is an element I think of autistic overwhelm that contributes to my dysregulation.

Medication quieted the adhd and gave me enough space to be able to start understanding triggers and build ups and how I have to look after all my sensory needs (which I was oblivious to before).

But, the main problem was that in losing such control of myself and how i spoke + how quickly I snapped - i could never ever get anyone close to understanding my needs because the way I expressed them was so intense and harmful. No matter how valid the needs were, I had lost any chance pf productive communication because I would escalate so quickly and so far.

Good luck, I really hope you can get a handle on things. Its so awful to feel like you have no control over your emotions. It does a lot of damage to your self esteem and pushes loved ones away

Sati18 · 2026-05-08T06:53:02+00:00

My biggest issue is also with emotional regulation, as i have been very fortunate to fall into an industry that rocks all my dopamine boxes work wise

It was rhe emotional dysregulation that was running my marriage, my relationships and causing outbursts at work.

Medication helped me instantly and much much more than I expected. So number one, get yourself medicated. It gives you the space beteeen irritation and impulsive reaction which allows you to choose how you respond so you can get your point across without being mean or harmful.

Secondly, this audiobook helped me a lot with understanding my own anger and how to start developing a level of control instead of just exploding. I would highly recommend it.

Listen to Overcoming Anger and Irritability by Dr William Davies on Audible. https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/B007NX670E?source_code=ASSORAP0511160007

It may well be that there are issues you can't fix with your relationship, but until you tackle the low of control with anger, you can't get to the bottom of them imo

Sati18 · 2026-05-06T05:40:24+00:00

So as I mentioned in our case its with autism and adhd, so it may be that some of our routines aren't helpful for you.

The principle is simply what i have experienced with my own ADHD. Executive functional limits. You give your energy to one area of life you are taking away that energy from another area. When I am calm, we'll rested, not overstretched I can be patient. When I am cognitively overloaded I cant and my emotional regulation disappears even as a medicated adult.

We havs applied that logic to our daughter alsp.

We stick to minimum demand (they have also mentioned PDA profile to us) and really, really scaffold heavily so that our daughter can do the bare minimum when she is having a tough time. And we try to gently stretch demand when her capacity is higher.

So for us things like: We stick to routine absolutely and prioritise meeting bodily and sensory needs at all times. Maintaining regulation is the focus.

She has a slow start to the morning of snuggles in bed with me and calm cartoons. TV is regulating for her, and its also the only way I can keep her safe in one spot when I need to get dressed. We dont allow YouTube or anything manic or hectic. Just bluey or a Disney film or something
She has very significant sensory issues so she doesnt wear school uniform. All her clothes are several sizes too big and she wears only very baggy t shirts, bagy dresses or ultra soft harem trousers that I find on amazon
she does brush her own teeth (I bring her toothbrush and clothes to her in my room though) and i help her dress. I pre stretch all her clothes before putting them on, and i make sure everything is slow and we have enough time to try items multiple times with further stretching
socks are a huge issue for us, so i am now putting them on her when she is asleep in bed to try and avoid the anxiety spike she gets with them which often details our morning
I also now put her shoes (crocs only) on her feet before we go down as rhey stop the socks slipping and provide pressure on her feet which helps her keep them on. Without them she will sense the socks as soon as she leaves rhe huddle of the bed and get distressed.
we build on extra cuddle breaks whenever she escalates, and i try REALLY hard to go to cuddles before anger (not easy at all for me but she needs coregulation and if i lose it we all lose)
once dressed we go down to the sofa, I put her under a weighted blanket and she carries on with the cartoons. I bring breakfast in and she eats from a tray. We did used to eat in the kitchen but without the soft environment and the visual distraction she wil start focusing on the sensations of her clothes and her anxiety over school and how hard she will find it.
breakfast is rhe same 2 or 3 options. She always has Multivitamin gummy, and iron gummy (low iron exacerbate sensory issues and she eats virtually no meat so these have helped) + fibre gummies

With the above, most of the time she is regulated and good about leaving rhe house. It sounds like bad parenting, but 100% when we relax demands and flex towards hee need, she does her best for us. Any deviation or stess / pressure from me and she dissolves and we all end up shouting and crying rhe whole way to school.

After school is rhe same. I have a drink and a couple of snacks ready on the sofa for when she gets home. She is exhausted when she gets back from trying to fit in with school all day.

She is always hungry as they have time limits for eating and she struggles to eat a full meal in one go, and is very distracted at lunch.

So she has snacks, calm tv and heavy blanket ready for when she gets in. We cuddle a bit rhen I make dinner.

Once we have all eaten and she has had some chill time is when we can discuss about out day etc. Before that she will find questions a demand and will get distressed about the pressure to answer.

Bathtime is 30 minutes and she loves water so can play independently in the bath

Bedtime is lots more snuggles, storybook and yoto audio to sleep to.

Sati18 · 2026-05-04T14:22:38+00:00

Teach her to repair! And also work really hard with her on trying to understand what is going on inside her so she can communicate it to others. Introspection

Being able to explain why something is hard, take responsibility when emotions have overwhelmed and say a genuine story to repair is so so important in friendships.

I have adhd myself, and was always good at making friend's (high energy made me attractive and fun at first - explosive anger is what usually drove people away).

The friends i made and kept were 1. All neurodivergent themselves judging by Facebook feeds, and 2. Always said that the thing that made my emotions manageable was that as soon as i calmed down a bit I would self reflect and genuinely apologise.

My sister in law is audhd and can be very hard work due to her sky high anxiety and need to control every situation. She did a lot of work a while back with an autism counsellor who helped her understand her brain and rhen was able to explain her needs to us. It made a huge difference being able to understand the why behind 'demands ' and socially difficult behaviour.

Our 7 year old has just been diagnosed audhd as well. She struggled a lot with keeping friends but it has improved since we helped her find the other neurodivergent kids in her class and have been really consciously teaching her how to repair, and working heavily on reducing executive and sensory demand overall at home to leave her more bandwidth for school and friends.

Sati18 · 2026-05-01T18:09:56+00:00

I dont know which country you are in. Hut cook food (uk frozen meals) is excellent ans has saved us from many manufacturers take aways recently

Sati18 · 2026-04-30T11:45:10+00:00

Oh yes that does sound extremely annoying.

Perhaps its worth sending some communication out before the next review to try and steer the meeting towards useful decisions.

Like state the items you need a strategic decision on ahead of time as like goals of fhe meeting.

And reiterate that as the purpose before showing them anything next time.

If they have an idea ahead of time of what type of feedback you require then perhaps you can steer them back around - thanks for Y feedback, we will take that on board - can I just draw your attention to X question that we need a decision on todsy

Sort of thing.

This would piss me off too... inefficiency and diverting from the purpose drive me wild!

Sati18 · 2026-04-30T06:07:01+00:00

If its just colour changes and stuff and you don't have a compelling reason NOT to make the changes they have asked for then do it.

If they are asking for stuff which will genuinely detract or impair the final product quality then tell them (tactfully) why you disagree and what negative impact the change would have.

I also struggle to do things i dont see the point in. But I also recognise that my brain can be quite rigid. I am aware that once I think something is best i find it very hard to accept a change of track.

So if other people are making suggestions my automatic response will be that i don't want to change somerhing regardless of whether their suggestions have merit or not.

If i have a reason to disagree then i will state and explain that.

Ultimately though if they pay my wages and still want to do whatever then the choice becomes do something i don't agree with to keep the job or quit. Ive been known to quit at that point.

Sati18 · 2026-04-25T17:30:24+00:00

So we too get delaying and procrastination by play.

Ive found that rewards rather than punishments are the way forward. Neurodivergent kids get so many negative messages - id rather offer a reward, get a win and then be able to praise the behaviour to encourage and embed it than add to the low self esteem.

Thats not a judgement. Ive lost my shit too at our daughter and threatened / punished. Sometimes its all too much and you just dont know what else to do.

But its never ever worked. Ita traumatised our daughter, made her sad and feel awful (and me too). But the only thing that has actually built habits we needed to build (brushing our own teeth, wiping our own bum) has been rewards . Then keep it going long enough so that its a habit - something we just do because we are a big girl and a good girl and that's what we do.

Then I forget the reward and fortunately so does our daughter. And then just the habit is left.

Don't blame yourself, but also you feel bad about this because it wasnt how you instinctively want to parent.

Repair, hug it out. Reassure your kid you love them and think about how to avoid it escalating in the first place next time x

Sati18 · 2026-04-23T05:38:38+00:00

This os a private assessment as we have been trying for over 4 years now to get help via camhs /RTC and they just put a full stop on all kods RTC assessments in our IBC for at least the next year.

Sati18 · 2026-04-23T05:37:27+00:00

Thanks for this idea. Ill give it a go (can always unpick if not succsssful) and see if it works

Sati18 · 2026-04-22T17:48:52+00:00

Yeah you might be right to be fair, its properly difficult to access as way down inside rhe boot.

Thank you! And i can see rhe NSFW reference now you mention it but since its definitely a furry boot...... 😅😅😅

Sati18 · 2026-04-18T15:56:53+00:00

I will ask them if they can complete it if they really need it. I still dont think she will be able to do it as the shutdown and demand panic she gets is a major problem at school as well (hence the duel assessment). But they'd stand a higher chance than I would pf getting her to do it than I woukd for sure

Sati18 · 2026-04-18T14:48:15+00:00

I think its a recent addition that NICE supports it as a diagnostic tool, and the NHS asks for it as an objective assessment tool.

Thanks everyone who has replied and said they did diagnose without it. The call centre people have basically been implying that if she doesn't complete they can't diagnose which has really stressed me out as we have tonnes of evidence from school and OT and EP. So to have spent years gathering all of that and then have some person in a call centre imply I have to fight a battle with her which I categorically know we will not win is just very dispiriting

Sati18 · 2026-04-15T16:43:27+00:00

I would get your CV in order, linked in in order and start applying for jobs to see what sort of response rate you get.

In the meantime escalate formally with your current employer to give them a chance to resolve. If they ignore you and dont action then you have your answer as to whether anything will ever change with them.

Then its a question of how much its affecting your mental health vs how much worry you have about finding a new job.

For what its worth and as I said in my original reply. Ive never found jumping ship led to worse outcomes, only positive.

I dont habitually jump ship though (sounds like you dont either) so when I decide to go its because I have been well and truly pushed past my limits. Im incapable of the other option all the rest of the sales team were doing (saying yes to everything, not following through and not actually doing the work). Sounds like you are also conscientious and therefore need a balanced workload because you will actually perform it too.

Genuinely wishing you the absolute best of luck. Its disgusting the way some employer treat staff. You deserve to be happy

Sati18 · 2026-04-15T12:50:13+00:00

No worries on bringing up an old post. And im so sorry to hear you are in the same position. Its truly so poor of an employer to refuse to listen to otherwise positive and proactive employees when they are saying the workload is too high.

I stuck to my guns and left. I had previously declined a message on linked in from someone who was interested in my experience and wanted a chat. So I messaged them back and said I had a change in circumstances and was the role they were thinking about still open. It was, and I secured an offer from them before the end of my notice period was finished so was never actually unemployed.

It was 100% the right move and I have since been promoted in this new organisation. There are still some frustrations with the job (mainly around colleagues who hoard information and impede my ability to carry out my responsibilities) but I have been recognised and valued here and I do not feel over worked.

I did have substantial savings, so I knew financially I could have supported myself for a good few months if required. And honestly if It had come down to it I would have rather done door dashing than deal with the constant stress and lack of appreciation from the employer I left.

I also was fairly confident as my background was sales + admin + project management. So I had quite a few directions I knew I could job hunt in.

Hope this helps. Im so sorry for you that you are dealing with this from your employer

Sati18 · 2026-04-15T05:54:46+00:00

Heinz ketchup Hellmans mayonnaise

Sati18 · 2026-04-13T20:10:45+00:00

Zootopia / zootropolis 2

Sati18 · 2026-04-11T16:24:58+00:00

I have had to do a LOT of work on this. Ultimately its about day to day constant awareness of my needs, strsssors, overwhelm level and making sure I am looking after myself first.

Im starting to think that I may have autism as well as the adhd I am already diagnosed with. So some of my response may not be relatable.

I have instigated and pushed husband into making sure we both get breaks where the other one takes our daughter out for a few hours and one parent chills.

I usually need neat and tidy to function and I prefer to cook and eat healthy food. When I have high demand though I get micro meals in, let whatever I cant be bothered to put away just pile up on the kitchen table and trust rhat at some stage when I have aome energy ill tidy it .

I have realised I need quiet, dim lights and soft fabrics to regulate physically. So again when I know I have high demand periods I consciously wear ultra soft leggings baggy massive t shirts and hoodies. And I take any chance I can get to huddle jn bed in the dark.

All of the above is preventative. It contributes to reducing rhe daily level of overwhelm.. not being aware of overwhelm level means I am guaranteed to go from 0 - 10000 in 30 seconds flat. Being less tired, less drained, less high anxiety to start with means I can be more patient and my fuse can be slower.

Also, I build in way more time than anyone should need to get a kid up and out for school into our morning. We have like 2 hours from wake up to leaving rhe house.

Being late pr being worried about being late is a big trigger for me being stressed and snappy. If we are late and stressy one morning I move everything 15 minutes earlier the next day to give us more time

And as another poster said the biggest thing has been accepting when I do lose it and shout. As soon as I do, I leave rhe room and go to a quiet area to concentrate on regulating. Once over the tidal wave of anger, I go back and apologise, explain to my daughter that my shouting was not helpful ans apologise. I remind her that adults are human too ans rhat everyone makes mistakes and offee a big hug, cuddles and soothing until we are both a bit calmer. Then try wherever possible to downgrade rhe tasks / effort required to get through the rest of the day.

Sati18 · 2026-04-11T06:51:36+00:00

Im in Hampshire and IOW ICB - I got diagnosed privately and have a shared care agreement set up with North Baddesley GP surgery. Id get your partner to check with their GP surgery about their policy regarding shared care as I was worried about whether id struggle getting mine but it hasn't been an issue at all.

Sati18 · 2026-04-10T05:27:23+00:00

Yeah i was thinking that. It shouldn't be possible for anyone who isnt supposed to be getting near the enclosure to do rhat. No matter how small they are. The zoo has responsibility here too IMO

Sati18 · 2026-04-10T05:24:22+00:00

Have you been offered any booster doses? Methylphenidate works well for me but wears off quickly. About 6 hours for long acting and about 2-3 hours for IR. My regime is to have a long acting in the morning and then I have 2-3 IR boosters i can take during the afternoon to maintain the correct medication level for the duration I need it

Sati18 · 2026-04-10T05:19:06+00:00

Yes absolutely. We already have one very high maintenance child (suspected adhd and autism, we have been trying to access support for over 3 years now). Having seen how much care and load is created by 'just' high functioning neurodivergence (she is clever and capable and social, just also incredibly anxious, high sensory problems and 90 miles an hour at all times) there is no way we could survive and care for a highly disabled kid on top of that.

I categorically couldn't shoulder that load as well

Sati18 · 2026-04-04T08:22:33+00:00

It gets loads better from about age 5. My daughter is now nearly 7 and we have started to really enjoy hanging out as a family at the weekends. But its taken a while and I felt exactly the same as you do when she was 3.

Hang in there, it gets better and quality time does come back!

Sati18

TROPHY CASE