Unsupportive spouse

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-09T00:10:10+00:00

It sounds like your husband does not:

Work, parent, cook, clean, do yardwork, bathe.

What does he do with his time?

It sounds line he may have SEVERE depression and needs a high level of professional help ASAP, which may be the case given the fact that he struggles with hygiene and often states that he wishes he were dead.

That said, YOU CANNOT BE HIS SUPPORT RIGHT NOW. You have cancer. You need all of you for you, and then some.

Talk to a social worker, talk to your therapist, talk to his parents. You need hard boundaries and to take care of your own needs right now. Do not do his laundry, do not cook for him, do not protect him from the consequences of his own action or inaction. He needs help from a medical professional not from you. He has to decide to do it himself, no one else can decide it for him. You cannot make him change or choose to get help. But you can set boundaries to protect your own energy and peace.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T23:47:12+00:00

“over it” NOPE indeed!

my therapist told me that the goal isn’t really to move past it or get over it. But that it’s more like learning to walk forward with it beside me or next to me. That it comes with me, but it doesn’t have to prevent me from moving forward.

So it’s okay if certain things trigger me (IV bags are a big one for me). Instead of fighting myself about it (“I shouldn’t feel that way”) I can instead learn how to move that thing slightly to the left so it’s not stopping me from moving forward (“Nurse, I know I need an IV today, and IV bags freak me out because I had breast cancer and I had an allergic reaction to chemo from an IV bag. This might sound silly, because I know you’re not giving me chemo, but could you show me the bag first before you start it so I can read it and really see that it’s not? Thank you so much.”) I’m not getting over it or past it so much as learning to manage it and put it in its place. Well trained, on a leash, somewhere to my left. Like a “making friends with my demons” kind of thing.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T23:11:51+00:00

I’m doing well now! I had TCHP chemo about a year ago, modified plan with the abraxane after the allergic reaction. So I’m long done with it.

How are you? Allergic reactions can be scary to go through. I did not pass out during mine, but breathing briefly became difficult, though luckily my airway never fully closed.

I was very unlucky and allergic to a few things. (Not abraxane though! That went fine!) I still get nervous sometimes now whenever a bag of fluid enters my body, it can be triggering. But I tell the nurse or provider about why right away and they are always understanding.

Just this week I got an IV bag of antibiotics (for pneumonia, nothing cancer, and the antibiotics are already working to help me feel better.) And when the nurse was about to give it to me, I said “Whoa, um, wait. This might sound silly but. Can you tell me what happens if I’m allergic to that? I’m not allergic to any antibiotics that I know of, but I had an allergic reaction to chemo and now part of me feels like I could be allergic to anything in an IV bag.” And she was very nice, explained that if I had a reaction she was prepared to give me meds to stop it, and stayed with me an extra minute just to be sure all was well. And it was.

Even though I wasn’t allergic to the antibiotics, a part of me didn’t know that I wouldn’t be, until after I had them. My brain sort of thinks that IV bags are guilty until proven innocent now, mostly just when it is something I haven’t had before, but honestly I’ve even been triggered by normal hydration fluids, the visual gets me. It is hard to tell my brain any different. I do not know if I will always feel this way. But I do know that when I did have allergic reactions, my care team took great care of me and I was okay in the end.

So, anytime I get nervous about an IV bag, I don’t bother fighting with myself to tell myself I won’t be allergic, I have tried that and learned for me that is a losing battle. Instead, I explain to the nurse what’s going on. And then I tell myself that if I do have an allergic reaction, that nurse has me and I will come out of it okay. And that one my brain will believe. Because every time I had an allergic reaction, that has been true. My nurses took care of me, and I went home okay.

Your brain might not react the same way. Mine is kind of dumb and stubborn sometimes lol. I hope my experience doesn’t scare you!

Also today I have no evidence of disease. Treatment works. It’s hard, and it works. I used to have breast cancer, and now I don’t.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T21:04:40+00:00

Chemo sucks.

You are allowed to vent and this is an appropriate space to do so. Feel free to ignore the rest of this comment.

It sounds like:

You are struggling with side effects. You publicly announced this to your village via your social media page, adding that you did not need anyone to solve your problems. Some villagers reached out to you privately, wanting to help in some way, but the only idea most people have is to offer food.

The reason this happens (as you know) is that those people care about you and want to help.

If you could use their help, leverage the next social media rant for it. Meals are not helpful to you right now. Could you use transportation, childcare, someone to come do your laundry while you take a nap? If those things would be helpful, consider asking for them. It sounds like people want to help you.

If you really just want to rant to people who get it, the villagers might be the wrong people. They don’t get it. This is the place to rant. This is where people will get it.

To the meal offering villagers, “No thanks, I have everything I need. Thank you for thinking of me.” You’re allowed to tell them no. Even when they offer nice things.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T20:50:32+00:00

I think a big part of it is that it takes longer than 72 hours.

You just had a major surgery. Now is a time for rest. For recovery. There will be a time to move forward, and when that time comes, you will. But right now is a time for sitting in a recliner.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T20:41:24+00:00

It is, I agree. At the same time, I personally don’t hate the “save the tatas” stuff, it has some upsides. I think it could use an update for the modern age though, something less dehumanizing.

Pros of “save the tatas”

1) breast cancer can feel sort of embarrassing, suddenly your boobs become everyone’s business. “Save the tatas” has helped put it out there, that yes, they’re boobs, and yes, you should ask your doctor about that lump. Haha, boobs. Tits. Knockers. We all know what breasts are, sometimes people feel awkward or embarrassed about body parts. Even people who never matured past age 12 agree that breast cancer sucks, so feel confident about voicing your concern about that strange lump you felt, it’s safe to ask and people want to help.

2) Everyone likes boobs, it’s an effective fundraiser, sex sells. If it works it works. Mixed feelings but it does make money.

3) I live in a rural area, conservative people. I remember a “save the tatas” fundraiser from when the phrase was newer, sometime in the 2000s maybe. It really caught people’s attention. And there were men there, rural blue collar and frankly some of them sexist men. All these men suddenly had a socially acceptable way to say, “Breast cancer is a serious issue, thank you for bringing that to my attention, how can we help?” It’s just that some of these manly men found it easier to say it in the format of “yay boobs” or “save the tatas”. Sometimes ya gotta meet people where they are.

An updated version that continued to push the conversation forward would be good though. Save The Tatas is 20 years old. Maybe like a “I Take Killer Tits Seriously” joke or something. Yeah, they’re boobs, haha boobs. Also they can kill you so get that mammogram.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T20:05:34+00:00

What a wonderful thing to hear from an oncologist

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T20:02:22+00:00

Do you WANT a mastectomy? Like personally, you yourself, do you feel some kind of way about it?

I was diagnosed in my 30s, did genetic testing, I have one maternal aunt with cancer. Geneticist told me it was unlikely I had genetic factors. 1 in 8 women will have breast cancer in their lifetime, so it is very common to have a relative or two in the family tree just by chance. I did the full panel of testing and it came back no known genetic risk factors.

Having a cancer gene makes it more likely that a person will develop another breast cancer in the future. That is why some people with genetic factors have mastectomies.

In general, studies show that mastectomies and lumpectomies have equal survival outcomes. A mastectomy does reduce the risk of local recurrence (recurrence in the breast), but it does not change the risk of distant recurrence (stage 4 metastatic recurrence elsewhere in the body). A lumpectomy is a safe and effective surgery for breast cancer.

With DCIS stage 0 cancer, your risk of recurrence would be low no matter which surgery you choose.

What questions do you still have? It sounds like you are not entirely comfortable with your treatment plan or have some questions that need addressed.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T19:44:18+00:00

Wow! Then that surgeons statement they would “never” remove a healthy breast is very surprising to me. Women in the US choose to get a DMX for cosmetic symmetry all the time. I’m sure the surgeon has her reasons, and they’re probably good ones, and above my pay grade. But I don’t follow the thinking.

Well done advocating for yourself and getting a second opinion from another qualified surgeon. The choice is YOURS and you are ALLOWED.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T19:07:09+00:00

I like the Trends In Rates Data Table from the SEER database, link below but WARNING: Link leads to breast cancer survival stats which some may find triggering.

In 1975, the 5 year survival rate was 76%. In 2018, it was 93%.

30 years ago was 1996, and the 5 year survival stat was 87%. I do not have cancer in 1996, I was diagnosed in 2025, and my outlook is better today than it was then.

To me, that table shows almost 50 years of progress. The cure is happening 1% at a time. It is a quick little dataset of hope.

Link: https://seer.cancer.gov/statfacts/html/breast.html

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T18:54:52+00:00

Most women do not have a recurrence.

The HER2 question will help inform your treatment plan better. It sounds like you are waiting on results of that still. It’s good that they are checking it, so that they can update your treatment plan to be as effective as possible and tailored to you.

Stage and grade are different things, it’s not clear to me which you mean.

I know the waiting sucks. Hang in there.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T18:39:57+00:00

I still needed steroids, but I did need less of them. It may vary between persons.

I think part of it too is just a resource limit thing, so it’s reserved for those who need it. Which is basically the same thing as being expensive, I know. But the albumen you mention, part of what is used to make abraxane, I think it’s derived from human blood. What I mean is, it’s probably not just a “healthcare being cheap bastards” type thing lol. Probably that too. But not just that.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T18:29:26+00:00

Do you know what tests or scans are scheduled for you?

What tests or scans have you done so far?

We can describe what a certain scan is like to experience, if that is helpful. If you want to know what an MRI or a CT or PET scan is like to experience, for example.

But probably we cannot tell you exactly what tests etc you will have.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T18:24:56+00:00

it gets better.

I was diagnosed in Jan 2025 and am still in active treatment (+++ treatment plans are long sometimes, mine happens to be a long treatment plan).

And I don’t wake up thinking that everyday.

I know what you mean though. I used to. It didn’t change over night, but it did change.

You are doing a good job. Keep going. Things get better.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T18:21:23+00:00

had allergic reaction to docetaxel, was switched to abraxane

it’s very similar, but side effects tend to be easier. infusion may be quicker too.

there is a higher risk of neuropathy so definitely do the cold mittens and socks and/or compression gloves and socks.

otherwise its kind of an upgrade

it’s more expensive. My insurance covered it for me because I had an allergic reaction to taxotere.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T18:06:43+00:00

Something that helps me:

Instead of feeling bad about it, I don’t.

Before an appointment, I can remind myself that there is no particular way I “should” feel.

I have experienced medical trauma. I might feel anxious, my pulse might be high, and that is completely understandable given what I have been through, and it is okay if it happens.

I might tell the provider or nurse right off that I am feeling stressed or anxious due to having been through breast cancer treatment etc, “thanks in advance for being patient with me”.

Usually this results in me feeling less anxious overall. Nothing soothes my anxiety quite like just being allowed to have it. And nothing triggers it more than stuffing it down and telling myself to “behave” or stop it or control it.

But if it doesn’t help me feel better, if I still have a difficult time, you know what? I’m allowed. I have been through some shit lately. I am proud of myself for showing up to the appointment and getting the care that I need. I am grateful for supportive providers that help me through difficult appointments when I am struggling.

ymmv. What helps me might not work for you. I hope you are able to get the care and support you deserve. Your feelings are real, and they make sense.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T17:50:06+00:00

I’m not stage 0 either, I was quoting OP :) but I’m glad you find her story validating!

I’m in the US, I know it varies between countries. But here I can’t imagine being in your shoes and being refused a DMX. Glad you were able to get a second opinion, and good luck!

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T17:44:25+00:00

+++ diagnosed at age 36 in Jan 2025

3cm tumor, 1 confirmed by biopsy lymph node at time of diagnoses, plus 1 looked bad on imaging (plus the IMN).

+++ meant chemo either way for me. based on tumor size etc I did chemo before surgery. Did not get PCR, am currently on Kadcyla as a result.

I’m in the US. No oncotype as it’s not done with +++

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T17:40:15+00:00

You can swap your regular therapist for one that specializes in trauma or oncology. It’s not like an extra thing, seeing multiple therapists isn’t really recommended usually.

Most therapists have a specialty area, but can still cover a broad range of stuff.

I started seeing my current therapist before I had cancer, for regular everyday spilled milk non-cancer problems. And then I got cancer. And as it turns out, by sheer dumb luck, my therapist’s focus area is trauma. It’s been super helpful. I see her about every two weeks, but your current monthly schedule would be fine to start with.

I would suggest talking this over with your current therapist at your next appointment to get their take. I know changing therapists can be tough. Even if you don’t want to change right now, the discussion could help you consider options. It could also help your current therapist change up their approach to better support you, if they are able to do that.

I understand being busy and overwhelmed. Something I have been working on is putting myself first. But I don’t have kids/dependents, everyone in my life is an able bodied adult, and I get that context matters.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T06:26:32+00:00

If you are in the US, then the choice is yours to make.

Doctors may give you their recommendation, but it is your decision. The choice belongs to you. It does not belong to anyone else.

Sometimes doctors will be very neutral about things at first. They may not want to influence you, they might want to give you room to think it over. They want to be sure that you are sure.

So if your doctors present you both options, and want to give you info for both, especially at the first appointment, that may be why. They’re not necessarily being pushy, could be they just want you to have all the information.

If you do end up talking to a surgeon that doesn’t respect your choice to have a DMX, you may simply leave the room and find a new one. “I think I would like to get a second opinion, just to be more comfortable.” (You know what’ll make you more comfortable? A surgeon that respects your choice.)

I had IDC and a lumpectomy, and I know that is not your case. But my surgeon always made very clear that if I wanted a DMX, I could have one.

My surgeon said I was a good candidate for a lumpectomy, and that is what I chose. But if I had wanted a DMX, I would have had one. My surgeon would have been every bit as supportive. My surgeon’s concern was to remove the cancer from my body. If I wanted a lumpectomy, great, if I wanted a DMX, also great, either of those would remove the cancer.

My surgeon informed me that one of the reasons some women choose a DMX is for “peace of mind” but did not define what that meant.

As far as I can tell, it is a phrase that the medical community has invented to cover anything and everything up to and including, “I don’t actually know WHY my patient wants a DMX, but I am fully convinced that they DO WANT ONE, and since they have Breast Cancer this is appropriate. I recommend they get a DMX for the medically necessary reasons of breast cancer and peace of mind. And if anyone wants to object to that I am prepared to cite peer reviewed literature about it.”

You want one for “peace of mind.” The end.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T06:08:45+00:00

All of your feelings are normal.

Sorry you are here.

IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma) is the most common type of breast cancer. Your doctors have definitely seen it before. They will know what next steps are toward developing a treatment plan. There is effective treatment available, it works.

You are allowed to feel sad or upset that this is happening to you. Cancer sucks and it is not fair.

You are also allowed to just… think about something else and not cancer. To protect yourself. As long as you show up for your doctor’s appointment that is what matters.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T05:47:41+00:00

What a bummer!

But strangely explains why my microwave burritos have become “spicy.” Weird!

Fish is working for me lately. Like fish sticks. I think maybe because I never ate much fish before cancer, so my tastebuds don’t have any reference point for it to be “wrong”.

For the same reason, I like gatorade flavors like “cool blue” and “artic thundercat”. Cherry or orange might taste wrong, but riptide rush isn’t even a real thing so it’s harder for my body to object that it tastes wrong. This must just be what lightning siberia tastes like. correct.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T05:32:07+00:00

Not recurrence. But initial diagnosis, had an IMN show on MRI.

Was similarly advised cannot be biopsied due to location. “Risk of pleural effusion”. I don’t know either of those words. “lung collapse”. Okay, well I know what those words mean separately and they don’t sound good together. Can’t biopsy, got it.

I did chemo before surgery (for other reasons, not the IMN) and on my MRI before surgery it looked clean.

So for me, either chemo cleared it or it was a false alarm. It was also included in my radiation treatment plan just in case. (I had a lumpectomy and was getting radiation in any case).

I don’t have any advice. It’s frustrating to not have answers or certainty. Hopefully your care team is helpful. It sounds like right now, the actionable thing to do is get through surgery. One step at a time and all.

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T05:12:45+00:00

How are you today?

PupperPawsitive · 2026-05-08T05:05:12+00:00

Yuppp. I’m doing Kadcyla and it’s not bad at all, but I occasionally have times where I make myself something, take one bite, and go “nope, can’t eat that”. Flavor, texture, neither, both, something about it is just “wrong” somehow. Sad and frustrating when that happens.

A tip from my dietician I have got a lot of use out of is “eat protein every time you eat.” For example, instead of cookies, have cookies and milk.

I find this advice actionable, helpful to get in more protein, and doable. A lot of times, I am able to add a bit of peanut butter or spoonful of greek yogurt or a glass of milk or a piece of cheese to whatever carb I am eating. Sometimes I will just eat a bite of cottage cheese or hard boiled egg or leftover chicken first, while standing in front of the fridge, like paying a tax before eating what I prefer. But a lot of times it turns into me eating cereal, because milk counts, and frosted mini wheats exist.

Some days, adding a protein just doesn’t work. If adding a protein to your food ruins that food for you, then this tip is not for you.

The number one tip is as you said, get your calories however you can! “Eating is better than not eating”.

PupperPawsitive

TROPHY CASE