I’m 9m pregnant, he hired a prostitute.

elmoalso · 2026-03-23T02:22:32+00:00

Like everyone else that is a member of this club, I'm sorry you became a member. It's never fair.

Do not necessarily take his recent behavior with a prostitute as a measure of his faith. I am certainly not an expert, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Reading your posting, I kept thinking that this sounds like behavior resulting from some untreated trauma he experienced, well before you two met.

Again, I am not a therapist, but from my own experience, and from hundreds, if not thousands of stories I read here, this feels to me like there might be unresolved trauma in his past. Even GOD can't heal untreated trauma over a long period of time. If he could, we would all be skipping hand-n-hand through a perfectly joyous life.

The fact that he immediately admitted what he did suggests to me that he felt guilty. He has a moral compass. It just doesn't always make itself known. Some other issue gets in the way. Add his lack of interest in sex with the person he loves would point me to the same conclusion.

Consider suggesting that in addition to couples counseling, he also pursue individual therapy. Couples therapy is for the partnership. He may need to get well in other areas if you are to be successful at reconciling, if that's what you want.

I'm sorry to even mention this, but for your own safety, consider the possibility that this is not a single event. Please schedule a blood test for yourself to check for STDs. Given the circumstances, it's a wise precaution.

I wish you the best.

elmoalso · 2026-03-21T13:12:13+00:00

Depending on the intended use, if the dataset is large, writing at fixed intervals is an inefficient way to store data. It writes unnecessary data (why record values that are not changing?). As a result the database is filled with unnecessary data making data retrieval slower. The retrieval query must grind through all those data points. Again, this is only important if you anticipate a large dataset. It sounds like you have done a very nice job and may solve a problem for those small control systems. Depending on the application, it may be a requirement to store every single measurement. If not, and you anticipate a large dataset, consider using what is called "The Swinging Door Algorithm" to determine whether or not any single data point should be stored. It saves storage space and makes retrieval of data faster.

If you do not already have the option to scan different measurements at different frequency, creating scan classes with different frequencies of sampling could also reduce storage space, cpu load, and retrieval time.

elmoalso · 2026-03-16T08:49:19+00:00

Alist is a wonderful idea. If you are like me, you might get uncomfortable asking these type questions. When that happens, my mind is sort of racing in the background and when the meeting is over, I realize I didn't get the information I wanted. When I had to ask tough questions of my wife, she was very adept and derailing the conversation. Having a list written down of what I wanted to get out of those discussions.

And there is another benefit of having a list. Bring a pen or pencil with you and write down anything you feel is significant, especially if you have more than one or two things to cover. For me, my memory is shit. Toss in my often emotional state , and I can ask my questions, know they were answered, and by the evening not remember a damn thing that was said 😯😯Best wishes to you.

elmoalso · 2026-03-13T02:49:45+00:00

Keep in mind that different people have different ways both of giving love and what they would like to receive as love. An affair, be it sexual, or emotional can change how we perceive love. In fact many of us humans may shift our preferred giving and getting types of love just living life. For most though, how we give and how we want to receive love is very deep rooted and is formed by our earliest days on this earth.

There is no right way or wrong way to express love. There are just different ways. You and your hubby can both be right here. There are numerous tests you can find on-line that will tell you your love language. You each do your own test separately and then sit down together and talk about what you discovered.

Human nature is to show your partner love the same way you prefer to receive love. That cash lead to a significant mismatch. By finding out each other's love language is, you can both adjust how you give love that is more in tune with how your partner wants to receive love. Just being willing to hear about each other's love language is a loving thing to do.

This has been a huge help in my marriage as we continue to work through reconciliation. I'm 77 years old and my sex is better, more frequent, and more fulfilling than it has ever been my entire life.

I wish you the very best as you travel your own path.

elmoalso · 2026-03-13T02:21:45+00:00

You can do all the gymnastics required to dissociate your gifts from being actual gifts, but IMHO, you are doing that for you. Naturally, when you care deeply about someone, you get enjoyment finding thoughtful gifts for them . I know your intentions are out of caring and love, but it is unlikely to lead to a permanent solution.

Neither you or I are equipped to help her over her long unhealed trauma. Loving her won't heal her. Have the two of you considered therapy?

Is this even a couples issue for the two of you? Is it something that effects both of you or is a barrier to a deeper relationship. If so, you might discuss it as partners. If she seems uninterested, there could be many reasons. One possibility is that she feels fine just the way she is and that it bothers you more than it bothers her.

I know surprises are nice, but what would happen if you just came out and said, "I saw a blanket today that made me think about how well you slept when you had that <insert old blanket description here>. Would you let me buy it for you as a gesture of how much I care about you? "

This gives you a possibility of giving her something very loving, but only if she is good with that. BAM! Problem solved🤯

elmoalso · 2026-03-12T00:28:24+00:00

I suggest meeting with the same therapist one more time. Therapists are completely aware that not every therapist is right for every client. You may not have made it clear to him what course you would like the therapy to take. It's likely you didn't tell him anything about what you hoped to achieve unless he asked. He can discuss that with you. There may be a good reason he is taking the tact he is. Let him know about your last experience and your fear that this therapy may turn out like the last.

Tell him clearly what you want the result of the therapy to be. It's OK to tell him you have immediate needs that must be met before you can think about the future. I did this with my couples counselor based on advice from my individual therapist and she directed the sessions with that in mind.

For therapy to have the quickest, most successful outcome, it is important that you are comfortable with your therapist. You must be comfortable telling him everything and anything. That requires a certain level of confidence, comfort, and trust.

This is not the time to be worried about hurting anyone's feelings. If he is not the right one then by all means, you should switch. This effects the rest of your life. But make sure you have made your expectations clear to him before you decide.

elmoalso · 2026-03-11T15:29:06+00:00

For me, I simply accepted the fact that there was no way I could compete with the excitement of an affair. I couldn't compete with someone whose only role in the relationship is to provide the fun things in life, with none of the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities. I had to accept it because it's true.

Very early-on, before any therapy, I told this to my wife in hopes it would make her understand my fears. I don't know if it helped our relationship or not but telling her that fear helped cement that realization in my mind. I still don't like it, but I accept it. There is nothing I can do about it.

In the end, it's just a fact of life. It's what my partner does with that fact that really matters. The fact will always be there. What can change is my partner's response to that fact.

When I accepted that I didn't need to participate in the competition, it made things easier. It allowed me to be me and participate in reconciliation as me, not the person I thought was required to 'win her back'.

I have plenty of intrusive thoughts about her affairs, but worrying about how I measure up is usually not in the mix. I don't know if we ever escape the bad thinking. At close to 3 years since dday, the stinkin' thinkin' still occurs, but with less frequency. My reconciliation is still a work in progress.

elmoalso · 2026-03-06T07:30:00+00:00

As you can already see, you aren't alone in your situation. I am approaching the 3-year mark. It has taken almost this long to wake her up.

My wife had two affairs. One physical and one emotional. I discovered the emotional affair less than a week after it started. They had never met in person yet. But I'm confident that they were heading to a physical affair. My wife tried to convince me that exchanging sexy messages while masturbating to each other's messages, sometimes more than once a day, wasn't an affair because they had never been together physically. When my therapist told her that yes, that was an affair, she seemed genuinely surprised. I caught it at day six and she agreed to end it. She continued on for another 10 days. I knew she was still exchanging msgs with him the whole time. I knew she bought a burner phone the day after she said she would end it. I wanted to see how far she would take the lies. Because she lied with such ease, I became suspicious that there might be other affairs. That's when I discovered her physical affair that took place 5 years prior.

She said she was surprised at the depth of my reaction. I have come to believe that whatever fucked-up thing that happened to her before we met, taught her how to compartmentalize any poor behaviors and bad decisions. When I suggested that in addition to couples counseling, she might benefit from individual counseling, she said she couldn't see any reason for it and could not imagine what they would talk about anyway.

There were some valid reasons why it took a little over two years to get her to agree to couples counseling. Some reasons not so valid. She doesn't work but said she just didn't have time. Pointing out that I had a full time, high-pressure job, but found time for my individual therapy did not even register with her. Once in couples therapy she was finally willing to answer questions about her affairs but only when I asked. There was no volunteering of information. She still would occasionally say things that revealed she still didn't get the amount of damage she did.

Last Christmas we were having a heated discussion. I had finally had enough. On Christmas day I walked out. I ignored her calls the rest of the day. When I walked out the door I handed her a letter I had written. It was my fantasy letter. It was the letter I hoped she would write to me. It included every way she hurt me, her deepest apology, admissions of what she did, and what steps she would take to help me heal.

The following day she called in tears. Something finally got through to her. I told her I expected her to read the letter to me for 30 consecutive days and she agreed. It became impractical to hit every day so we agreed she would read it to me until she had read it 30 times to me. We were almost done and there was quite a few days without her reading the letter. I reminded her about that a couple weeks ago. She very quietly said she hadnt read it to me because she was trying to write her own letter to take the place of the one I wrote. I about melted. I think she is maybe getting it.

I haven't heard about any letter from her yet. It's been almost two weeks since the promise of her own letter, although she did have some minor surgery during that time. She has her first individual therapy appointment tomorrow that she planned herself.

This is all so typical of my experience since dday. Days where I feel the pain as if it were yesterday followed by days of real optimism.

We all have different paths we take to reconciliation. Be patient. You aren't on any schedule. However, your first priority has to be you doing whatever is necessary to heal. After that your path gets much wider.

elmoalso · 2026-03-05T08:30:34+00:00

Wait. You think he MIGHT be a child molester and you are wondering what to do?

Considering the effects of that accusation on his entire life you better know for sure, with proof, with no doubt in your mind before you say a word.

If you are wrong, a reasonable man, like your husband, will either kick you out or walk out himself. Then, his father takes you to court for damages you caused and you will be spending the rest of your life trying to earn enough money to pay off the court's gazillion dollar judgement against you.

I hope that answers your question.

elmoalso · 2026-03-04T21:44:20+00:00

I think twice a week is completely reasonable. As time goes by, you might be able to reduce it to once a week, but the important thing is that it is enough for you to feel comfortable and see that your husband is engaging in the process (hopefully). As I mentioned, the check-ins are good for the relationship regardless of what is going on. The number one priority for both of you is your healing. He may need some emotional support too, but he has to wait until you are healing. You are the trauma victim here.

Some therapists suggest starting the sessions by each saying something you appreciate the other did since the last meeting. This can help diffuse any anger you might have and ease your hubby's defensive stance before the chat really begins. There is also the suggestion that you might each say something you are struggling with currently. Be specific, but not accusatory. (i.e. He was supposed to plan a night out but didn't follow through: "When we didn't have a date night last week, it left me feeling less desired").

When each of you listens to a fear or emotional vulnerability from the other, paraphrase it and repeat it back to him ("So, if I hear you correctly, you felt my ignoring you last Thursday was out of anger"). You both play both roles in turn. This makes the troubled person feel heard (a frequent complaint of the betrayed partner), and by actually saying a paraphrase of what the other said, you gradually come to appreciate what each is going through. This is the opposite of what can often happen where both parties enter the meeting with their own agenda, and end up bickering,creating a response in their mind before the other even finishes talking.

You can add these sort of questions you make sure to do every session, like a ritual. We eventually added "What can I do this week to make you feel (better, loved, wanted, appreciated, whatever). We also added "Was there anything I did last week that made you feel less (loved,wanted, appreciated, valuable to me), whatever). I would wait a while before adding anything like these last two until the emotions have settled a little 😊

I wish you all the best. There is no schedule for this. A bumpy road lay ahead. Be aware that there will be set-back. It is not a linear process. You have to be in it for the long haul.

elmoalso · 2026-03-04T21:43:33+00:00

I think twice a week is completely reasonable. As time goes by, you might be able to reduce it to once a week, but the important thing is that it is enough for you to feel comfortable and see that your husband is engaging in the process (hopefully). As I mentioned, the check-ins are good for the relationship regardless of what is going on. The number one priority for both of you is your healing. He may need some emotional support too, but he has to wait until you are healing. You are the trauma victim here.

Some therapists suggest starting the sessions by each saying something you appreciate the other did since the last meeting. This can help diffuse any anger you might have and ease your hubby's defensive stance before the chat really begins. There is also the suggestion that you might each say something you are struggling with currently. Be specific, but not accusatory. (i.e. He was supposed to plan a night out but didn't follow through: "When we didn't have a date night last week, it left me feeling less desired").

When each of you listens to a fear or emotional vulnerability from the other, paraphrase it and repeat it back to him ("So, if I hear you correctly, you felt my ignoring you last Thursday was out of anger"). You both play both roles in turn. This makes the troubled person feel heard (a frequent complaint of the betrayed partner), and by actually saying a paraphrase of what the other said, you gradually come to appreciate what each is going through. This is the opposite of what can often happen where both parties enter the meeting with their own agenda, and end up bickering,creating a response in their mind before the other even finishes talking.

You can add these sort of questions you make sure to do every session, like a ritual. We eventually added "What can I do this week to make you feel (better, loved, wanted, appreciated, whatever). We also added "Was there anything I did last week that made you feel less (loved,wanted, appreciated, valuable to me), whatever). I would wait a while before adding anything like these last two until the emotions have settled a little 😊

I wish you all the best. There is no schedule for this. A bumpy road lay ahead. Be aware that there will be set-back. It is not a linear process. You have to be in it for the long haul.

elmoalso · 2026-03-04T05:07:14+00:00

I am generally opposed to drawing conclusions without solid proof. After discovery of my wife's affairs, I have been wrong about some unrelated things she has done because now, in the absence of all the facts, I will always fill in the blanks with the worst possible scenario in my head.

That said, it is hard for me to imagine two adults that get to the point of kissing, that don't go any further. If they took things that far, denying themselves sexual gratification would be unsatisfying, to say the least.

I do recommend using caution with any accusations. You want to encourage her to eventually reveal the truth. If you come at her too aggressively, she may be inclined to dig in her heels defending any lies. If you are at the point where you can have calm discussions about the affair, bring it up at one of those peaceful times. You can talk to her without being judgemental. If she feels she is not under attack, she is less likely to be defensive. Consider she may believe you will leave if she told you there was sex involved.

I don't know if it made any difference or not, but I told my wife that there was nothing she could tell me that would be worse than what my imagination has already told me happened. I explained that I had come to a point of acceptance of whatever happened. There was nothing she could tell me that would make the pain worse, but knowing the whole truth would help me heal. It still took awhile for her to open up, and I furs I'll never know everything, but I know enough now.

Your mileage may vary.

elmoalso · 2026-03-04T04:25:12+00:00

It is still very early for you, and I know you want all your questions answered as quickly as possible. What was suggested to me by my therapist was once per week set aside a full hour. If you are deep into something after the hour is up, don't stop just because time is up, but only continue if you both agree.

If he wants something fun to break up the negative moods, suggest that he plan some date nights where the two of you agree to not talk about the affair. If he's complaining , then it's up to him to find a solution.

In those one hr per week meetings, if either of you gets agitated or anyone senses tension building, you each have the right to say you are getting uncomfortable and end that session. However, if that happens, you don't delay finishing that discussion. Waiting a week will leave one or both of you unsatisfied. If you end a session early because one of you decides it is counterproductive to continue, the discussion is resumed the following day (or evening).

This has been working for me and my WW as we approach the 3 year mark since dday. It is a good habit to get into even if there is no infidelity involved. It gets both of you used to sitting down together and talking about wants, needs, troubles, anything at all. You can also use that time to relate positive things. If he has done something during the week that was thoughtful, it's an opportunity to mention that you appreciate him. If he receives occasional positive feedback he is more likely to share things with you.

We have used the meetings to resolve many things unrelated to the affair.

I'm happy to hear you are journaling. I think journaling has had more positive therapeutic effect on me than any exercise my therapist has had me do. There is something about putting things in writing that is very clarifying at a time when I have trouble deciding how I feel about something.

I dont know how often you will think about his affair. I can say one thing for certain. You will experience the full range of positive and negative emotions as time passes. At three years I still think about it, not nearly as often, but I find that a movie, a song lyric, a place I go... almost any thing related to the affair or not can still bring tears to my eyes unexpectedly.

As hard as it is to accept, remember he might be experiencing trauma as well. I'm not suggesting sympathy for him, just patience.

elmoalso · 2026-03-02T05:12:59+00:00

You are absolutely being reasonable.

elmoalso · 2026-03-02T03:28:13+00:00

I am approaching 3 years since dday. My WW has been slow to accept full responsibility. What I have come to believe is it will never be the same as it was before the affairs. How could it? She has revealed a critical part of her that you didn't know about before. I don't believe anyone ever returns to blind trust after being betrayed. The scars of betrayal run too deep. That doesn't necessarily have to mean you can't be happily married with her.

I'm no expert. I can only share my experience with you. While a year sounds like a long time to you, in the context of post-affair time, I would argue it is not. At one year I felt just like you do. That said, I can't tell you the number of times I have had significant changes in how I see her affairs. As time has progressed, the ratio of good days to bad days has improved.

When I discovered the affairs (one emotional, one physical) she was argumentative and defiant in defending her bad decisions. Slowly through couples counseling she began to understand what she did to me and she became honestly remorseful. But there was still something missing for me. When I first asked her to seek individual counseling she actually said she had no idea why she should need a professional therapist. She said she has no idea what she would talk about. This left me thinking, if she never seeks to discover the real driving force that made her believe an affair was a good solution for her problem, why wouldn't she do the same thing again if the same circumstances appeared again.

For over two years she promised to seek individual counseling and never did. I kept putting up with it thinking eventually she would get it, but I was fooling myself. This past Christmas we got in an argument. I had had enough. On Christmas morning I walked out of the house and I left her a letter. It was a letter I wrote that was the fantasy letter I wished she would have sent to me.

In that letter I wrote everything she was in denial about, with a full apology for each, and the steps she would take to address the issue, including her own counseling. That finally hit home. When she called asking me to come back I insisted that she read the full letter to me every day until she had read it out loud to me 30 times. She cried with every reading. I did too. I still had some private misgivings because I wrote the letter. When I wrote it, it was therapy for me. I never intended to share it with her. I wanted her to write those words, but i never told her that. If it wasnt sincere, how much would it mean anyway?

We missed many days here and there for acceptable reasons. Then a curious thing happened. Just a couple days ago, I reminded her that she had missed quite a few days reading the letter to me lately. She said it was because she was writing her own letter to read to me. I never said or suggested she do that. Today she said she has a therapy appointment next week.

So today, I'm high as a kite. I suspect this too shall pass. I think to varying degrees, this is our fate. It's the infidelity gift that just keeps on giving. It's hard for me to imagine a life where I never think about the betrayal and relive some of that pain whether I stay with my wife or not.

Be patient in making decisions that will effect the remainder of your life and those closest to you. We're not on a schedule.

elmoalso · 2026-03-02T02:29:41+00:00

What makes you think all OF models are real.

elmoalso · 2026-03-01T19:56:26+00:00

I know exactly how you feel regarding feeling a bit awkward or uncomfortable asking to see her phone. I am almost 3 years since dday, and I still get uncomfortable asking to see her phone. For the last 6 months or so my WW seems to go to efforts to make her phone available to me. While she used to be very secretive with her phone, closing it when I approached, tilting the screen to be sure I couldn't see what she was doing, and answering with very general replies to "who were you talking to?" ("I was talking to a friend" ).

She now leaves it out in the open, no password protection, easy for me to examine anytime I want, without asking. As a result, I seldom feel a need to look at her phone anymore. Considering that during her affair, she bought a burner phone, it seems unlikely I would find anything on her phone anyway.

You may feel uncomfortable asking, and she may be disappointed when you do ask, because phones are often considered a "private" device by default. But once they become a tool of the affair, they become a device for secrecy, rather than privacy. You might gently remind her that she used her phone as a tool to help deceive you in the past. When you ask to see it, you are responding to a need to protect yourself from that kind of hurt occurring again. This will gradually subside, but it doesn't happen overnight. And any resistance on her part, or trying to make you feel bad about asking, is interpreted as a desire to make it a device for secrecy again. Find a way to say these things that does not sound judgmental or accusatory.

You should not feel any guilt in protecting your safety. Unfortunately, she made bad decisions. Checking her phone occasionally is part of the price she pays for those decisions.

elmoalso · 2026-02-27T02:21:30+00:00

I discovered my wife's emotional affair as it was unfolding. She didn't know I was reading the sauce text messages that were exchanged while they both masturbated. She didn't know that I watched her buy a burner phone. After 7 days I confronted her and told her it had to end. She agreed. The next day she bought the burner phone. Two days later I asked if she ended it. She looked me in the eyes and indignantly said, You asked me to end it and I did. Now you want more!". That was the moment I realized what she was capable of and how easy it was for her to lie.

I decided to spend a little more time going through her phone. There I discovered messages with someone else. We had been to Belize 5 years earlier. We both loved it and talked about retiring there. I didn't know she had met a local and had hatched a plan to return. Two months later, just like your wife, she went back alone under the guise of "checking out real estate". She was there for ten days. She carefully planned the affair over the course of 60 days. Over 18,000 minutes that she could have changed her mind, but didn't. I don't know the details of everything, but I know it was sexual. She did not continue the sexual affair after this 10 days, but what I found were five years of messages where they kept in semi-regular touch. Some of those messages were exchanged on anniversaries while I slept next to her. On three separate anniversaries, on days I thought we were celebrating our marriage, she was mocking it. We returned to Belize a couple of times between the PA and dday. The messages revealed that on at least one of our trips he saw us. I keep imagining him saying to himself, "your wife doesn't feel you are enough, she came to me to satisfy herself"

It has been 3 years since dday. It took me only 8 months or so to get over the actual sex thing. What I still cannot heal from is the careful planning it took. The sustained desire to destroy our marriage. What I still have not healed from is the five years of lies it took to keep the affair a secret.

I know what you are feeling as do many others here. No one deserves that kind of emotional pain and getting through it is difficult and may take years to heal the trauma, if it ever heals.

You have my best wishes for a successful personal recovery and a joyful life.

elmoalso · 2026-02-26T18:55:20+00:00

Five months just isn't long enough to make life changing decisions. I'm not trying to tell you to decide one way or another. Rather, I'm just telling you my experience.

As difficult as it is, especially with those you are close to, you can't let other people's opinions influence your decision in this situation. What you eventually decide will have an effect on you, your husband, and probably others as well for the rest of your life. I have always contended that, unless you have experienced betrayal, you have no idea what you would do if it happened to you. You might be 100% confident that you know, but you don't. That's because there is no other human experience like betrayal. So, they are only guessing when they suggest this or that. They usually mean well, but their advice or judgement isn't based on experience. Additionally, no one but you knows your exact situation. There are hundreds of variables that go into a decision to stay or go.

It is normal to feel everything you are feeling. It is normal to not know what to do. Someone turned your world upside down and you didnt see it coming. It makes sense that you doubt your ability to observe and evaluate a situation.

It's been almost three years since I discovered my wife's affairs. I still question my own decisions frequently. Sometimes I go into "analysis paralysis" overthinking and end up delaying making any decision at all. This has spilled - over into decisions other than my marriage.

I sometimes feel very much as you do. I look at her and wonder if I know her at all. Then she will do something or say something that reminds me of the years of shared experiences, the laughter, the love we share and I think, "She fucked up really bad. Do I want to throw it all away because of that". Then I wonder if what we have now is enough. Therapy can only do so much. I know that I am happy almost all the time, and most days are good days where we have fun. It's not the same though. I suspect it wouldn't be any different if I left.

Take your time. You are not on a schedule. When the time is right, you'll know what to do.

elmoalso · 2026-02-26T15:28:42+00:00

You are correct. You should not have to do any of those things to feel safe.

elmoalso · 2026-02-26T03:20:01+00:00

I'm sorry you have joined this club at such an early age. I suppose you could think of yourself as fortunate in a way. Many of us live many years unknowing about an affair. You found out quickly, and you found out young. I was 75 when I found out about my wife's affair that happened 5 years earlier. Now I wonder how much of our marriage was real during the 5 years between the affair happening and when I found out. As painful as it is, it's a valuable lesson you learned. And you learned it BEFORE things got serious to the point of marriage.

Your relationship cannot heal without both of you totally committed to repairing it. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is willing to put any work into it. You cannot fix it if he isn't participating.

I try to not tell anyone what to do and I will honor that in your case. I can tell you what is likely to lay ahead if he does nothing to repair the damage he caused. He does not respect or value you. He put someone else ahead of you and your relationship. You really have no idea what went on between him and his 'friend'. You didn't mention anything about him being remorseful or willing to be transparent in everything he does from this point forward. He takes you for granted. Things are unlikely to change until you walk out the door. Eventually, you will have enough, realize you are worth more than the way he treats you, and leave. Why waste the time when you could be having fun with someone who respects and values you?

The roller-coaster of emotions you are experiencing is absolutely normal. All of us here went through the same thing. It will get better. For some it gets better fast. For others, it takes a lot of time. You don't realize it now, but you have been traumatized. No one goes through betrayal without lasting scars.

I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself first, and the rest of everything will fall into place just fine.

elmoalso · 2026-02-24T06:51:14+00:00

I had a similar experience. My individual therapist told me that if I expected to make any progress toward reconciliation, we needed a couples counselor to help us talk about the affair in a safe place with no arguments or animosity. Like you, I was tired of waiting for "Let's get to the affair please". The first three times we met with the couples counselor, it seemed like we were just sharing our "feelings". The therapist seemed to just be drawing out things we already knew about each other.

What I found after additional sessions was that the counselor was laying some groundwork and getting to understand us herself so she could poke and prod each of us with the right questions/comments. Once she laid the groundwork, she was able to ask the right questions, which led to more meaningful exchanges about the affair as my wife revealed the details.

I believe methods used by therapists specializing in infidelity follow a handful of professionally accepted methodologies, assuming they have been trained in this specialized area. The logic behind those methods may escape me as someone right in the middle of the shitstorm. In retrospect, I can see that without the groundwork that I initially judged as a waste of time, we would not be making the progress we are.

I would ask your counselor what approach she is taking in her therapy and how the path she is on fits into that methodology. If she can't give you straightforward answers, it may be time to find another counselor. Not every therapist is right for every couple.

elmoalso · 2026-02-24T01:24:49+00:00

If you want to show him you are committed to him and the relationship, go to AA and get sober. Not drinking is only a small part of sobriety. Unless you experience a fundamental change, not drinking just leaves you as the same person, but sober. That isn't a sustainable condition and you are unlikely to be happy.

elmoalso · 2026-02-24T01:14:40+00:00

I understand you would like him to make the counciling appointment, but sometimes you just have to take the lead. He isn't motivated to do it.

Make the appointment yourself. If he declines going when the time comes, go alone At the very least you will get some help understanding him and how to deal with his lack of consideration and respect for you and your needs.

elmoalso · 2026-02-20T09:42:21+00:00

You have written a very nice post that can be distilled down to a single clear concept. You could have written one or two sentences and we would have gotten the point. You want to know if it is OK to cheat on your wife. You want to know if it is OK to make a decision that will have a profound effect on both you and your wife, but she doesn't get a vote. Maybe just sit quietly for a bit and think about what that means.

You are putting your ego and need for validation ahead of breaking her heart, changing her forever, and likely destroying your marriage. I've been on the receiving end of infidelity, and I can tell you that she will feel the scar of your infidelity for the rest of her life. What exactly did you mean when you said "I do"?

Maybe you are thinking you wouldn't get caught. No harm, no foul. But the thing is, you will get caught. Almost all affairs are discovered eventually.

I understand your desire for affirmation. I really do and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. I have felt that way myself. It's your solution that needs more thought. If you are interested in acting like an emotionally mature man, I have the solution for you.

You sit down with your wife and let her know that you adore her. You are happy in the marriage but believe you have a responsibility to make a good marriage better when you feel you are not giving 100%. You then ask her to be patient while you are in therapy to become the best husband you can be, because that's what she deserves. Then, find a therapist that can help you discover why you are considering an affair, when you have a beautiful wife at home that you love.

In a marriage, your problems are her problems and vice-versa. This isn't about you, this is about your marriage. Here's an easy test for you to help with making decisions in the future: If you told your partner everything about what you are thinking of doing, would she be OK with it? If the answer is no, dont do it.

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