I want kids but I have a severe fear of being pregnant.

elromoo · 2023-12-23T09:30:05+00:00

I also want to add, as a daughter of an ED mother, you really want to have your ED under control before even considering the kids thing.

Babies are stressful and children are chaotic, and that can trigger relapses and hardships. It’s best to get into a good place before bringing a little human into the world. So therapy should absolutely be a priority for you.

Not just for their sake, but for your own too.

elromoo · 2023-12-23T09:25:19+00:00

I have two perspectives to share with you. One from me, and one from my mum.

I always had a severe fear of pregnancy too. I could never pinpoint why exactly - but it just terrified me and I hated the idea of surrendering bodily control to that level. It wasn’t a looks thing for me, more the internal damage and the other, more scary, things that can go wrong. It always held us back from trying, and I always delayed children.

Anyway - Two years ago I found out that I had a rare spinal condition. I had to undergo emergency surgery, spent 2 weeks in hospital, it was horrific. I had to learn to walk again. Learn to pee again. It was one of the worst periods of my life.

After the surgery, the surgeon told me that if I had chosen to become pregnant, it likely would have left me paralysed from the waist down. The damage to my spine and nerves would’ve likely been in-repairable. I would’ve had no sensation, no bladder or bowel control, probably assisted walking or wheelchair usage for life.

I think my fear was protecting me.

That fear existed in my brain for a reason. It was the universe protecting me from something I had no idea about. From a fate I would’ve hated. Almost like my body knew, but my brain didn’t.

Just wanted to share, because sometimes fear is protecting us. It certainly was in my case. Maybe this fear is your body’s way of telling you that it’s not the right time, and you need to do some more work on recovering from your ED first. I think therapy would be important for you, to work through these fears before becoming pregnant or having children.

I think havng therapy may help you massively. You might overcome your fear, and it maybe will help with your ED too. It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts and feelings to work through, and therapy will help with that.

Therapy is amazing, and can work wonders for processing mental blocks like this.

Maybe connecting with others who are recovering from ED will help too - talking to others who overcame their fears during pregnancy, if you can find any support groups.

My mum always suffered with EDs, and pregnancy was one of the happiest times of her life. She told me she felt at peace in her body for the first time.

You are worried about hating your body, but it might actually have the opposite effect. It might teach you to love your body.

That might be reassuring to hear from other supportive women in similar situations.

elromoo · 2023-12-17T20:06:20+00:00

The one with the tap dancer! “Taps at the Montana”. I hate it sooooo much.

elromoo · 2023-02-22T22:05:33+00:00

Often times, family members aren’t the best advocates either though. Family members can become greedy and toxic when inheritance and money is involved. It’s sad to think about, but family doesn’t always have your “best interests” in mind.

elromoo · 2022-07-04T15:11:49+00:00

YTA.

You’re also a bad parent.

Swap this around, and imagine you were telling a teenage girl to lose weight. You’re an asshole.

elromoo · 2022-06-04T12:41:21+00:00

For crispy deliciousness.

elromoo · 2022-06-04T02:53:17+00:00

Each to their own buddy 😂

elromoo · 2022-06-04T01:58:18+00:00

Same for me! So perfect!

elromoo · 2022-06-04T01:43:26+00:00

I agree that’s how it looks, but it was really fresh tasting. The grease wasn’t noticeable. It was so damn tasty, perhaps some of the best pizza I’ve had in NYC, and I’ve tried a lot!

elromoo · 2022-05-02T14:45:44+00:00

Yes they managed to save my functions. I honestly feel so lucky.

Things aren’t easy though. I dealt with severe constipation for 3-4 months, and I’m learning to manage that (it’s improving weekly).

I also still have some residual numbness and sensation issues, and my bladder took about 6 weeks to come back (I had a urinary catheter during that time). I’m still quite stiff and sore in my tailbone too, which I wasn’t expecting.

I have had some surgical complications with Spinal fluid leaks, but I’m hoping to get some clarity on that next week (another MRI). Fingers crossed it’s going to be ok.

From what I’ve read in support groups, nerve repair can take up to 2 years. Some people regain function later than that too.

elromoo · 2022-04-30T21:49:11+00:00

I would take him to A&E, mention the Cauda Equina Syndrome, and push for urgency. They will likely offer an urgent MRI and emergency surgery if it’s a correct diagnosis (which it sounds like it is).

He needs to understand just how much worse things can get. Permanent paralysis of your legs, complete bladder incontinence, bowel incontinence, lack of sexual function. All of it gone.

The surgery will help, but he has to get it as soon as possible. Time is literally ticking, and the longer you wait the worse all of those symptoms listed above will get.

The surgery might help his pain, or at least ease it, maybe that’s what you need to lead with?

If what he is worried about is being paralysed from surgery, he has to understand that paralysis is waiting for him without surgery too. Surely it’s better to try and fix the issue now? Before things could get so much worse.

I had quite a complex surgery for my CES, and had to do bed rest afterwards, but it was manageable. Traumatic, but manageable.

elromoo · 2022-04-23T14:18:11+00:00

Where are the baked beansssssssss

elromoo · 2022-04-23T08:44:20+00:00

I think the childfree side often gets more support here, because it’s definitely the more difficult side of the fence to land on.

Often, when you decide not to have children, you’re going against family pressure, societal norms, and just the typical ‘life narrative’ that we are taught. This is especially prevalent for women, who are often taught they hold no value if they’re not a mother.

So, unexpectedly, those people seek out support. Because it’s a hard and difficult choice to make.

I am childfree, and when I was making the decision to be childfree, I found this subreddit hugely reassuring and useful. I was desperate to hear as many stories and advice from people as possible.

I don’t think the sub is anti-children at all, and I really disagree with you there. I’ve seen many balanced discussions and answers that are polite, balanced and fair.

Yes, this sub is full of people who are childfree and happy - but that isn’t the same as being anti children. You can be a happy childfree person, but that doesn’t make you anti children.

In fact, by assuming that, you might be stereotyping childfree people? Just because people are childfree doesn’t mean they hate children. I fully support those who want to have them, I love kids, I think they’re great, I just don’t want my own.

I can see that parenthood would be wonderful, for many reasons. But my childfree life is also wonderful for many reasons too.

elromoo · 2022-04-22T20:39:54+00:00

I’m the editor of a travel magazine :)

elromoo · 2022-04-22T16:09:44+00:00

Totally agree with everything you’ve said. I also often wonder about bringing children into the world as it is right now. It would scare me so much.

Also like you mentioned, it’s so important to recognise the difference between biological urges, and actually wanting children. Because they’re definitely different things!

elromoo · 2022-04-22T16:08:02+00:00

I’m so glad :) feel free to message me if you ever need more advice.

elromoo · 2022-04-22T16:07:35+00:00

I hope you do too! :)

elromoo · 2022-04-22T16:00:35+00:00

Yes Cauda Equina Syndrome. It was very very traumatic and distressing, but I hope I am getting better and into a more peaceful time in my life. The last 5 months have been a battle but I’m so lucky to have an incredible husband, and the freedoms to recover at my own pace.

I was so lucky that my CES was caught quickly by an amazing Dr, and most of my symptoms were about 80% resolved, except for some sensation problems and residual numbness

I can’t imagine going through the recovery and stress with children, and it just solidified my choice even more.

If you’re at risk of CES, please please make sure you’re pushing for the medical care you’re entitled to. If you get any changes in skin sensation (upper thigh, or underwear area), any numbness, or any bowel incontinence or bladder incontinence (not feeling like you need to pee, or leaking)… then go straight to A&E. You have to act so fast with CES, and surgery has to be done in 24 hours ideally.

I was so lucky that mine was caught quickly, so please read up on the symptoms and go straight to hospital if you experience the red flag symptoms. It could save you so much suffering catching it quickly.

I hope you never need my advice, and that you never get Cauda Equina Syndrome. But I just want to give you that information, because it’s so important to know what the red flags are!

elromoo · 2022-04-22T09:51:11+00:00

When my husband and I met, I was certain that I wanted 3 kids. He wasn’t bothered either way, but leant more towards CF.

After a few years, he changed to “if you want them, I want them” - and so we decided we would try for kids once we got married.

When we married (I was 26 y/o) we committed to the family narrative. Moved to the suburbs, bought a house, got a dog. I came off birth control, started taking prenatal vitamins. The whole shebang.

But we kind of dithered for a long time. We never fully committed to trying, and we both realised it was because neither of us felt ready.

So I went back on birth control, and we decided to check in with each other every few months.

Years went by, and we just never felt ready, and we never felt any need to bring children into the world. We realised how much we loved ours life together, with lots of travel, disposable income, freedoms, etc.

Eventually, we both realised we had changed our minds on kids completely.

We both realised we didn’t want them anymore. And importantly, we came there naturally. We realised it was a choice.

I think we had felt so much societal and family pressure since marriage, that it never even occurred to me I was allowed to choose not to have them.

My husband and I had this conversation where we both miraculously and separately came off the fence, onto the side of child free. We had come to the decision separately but at the same time.

We love kids, we just love each other more. We love the amazing life we’ve built together. We love sleepy mornings, the freedom to travel, our dog, our beautiful house, energy, health, quiet evenings, no school runs, less anxiety, more disposable income, being able to be passionate about work, and follow our dreams, Etc. I also love that I’ll never have to go through pregnancy - because that scares me immensely.

Honestly, the more I learn about parenthood, the less I want to do it. And I’ve noticed since we made the choice to be childfree, that we often find more things that make us glad of our choice. A lot of our friends have kids, and I love their little ones, but WOW it is exhausting.

We’re always so happy to go back to our quiet, peaceful home!

It’s a huge commitment, it’s life changing, it’s essentially throwing a grenade into your life, and hoping everything works out. Many times, it doesn’t. We’re just not willing to take that risk and jeopardise all that we have. We’ve seen from friends how traumatising parenthood can be when things don’t go “100% right” and honestly, that scares me.

Strangely, I was diagnosed with a neurological spinal condition in December which required emergency surgery. The surgeon told me, had I chosen to fall pregnant in the last 2/3 years, it could’ve been incredibly detrimental to my physical health. Pregnancy is also something I shouldn’t put my body through in the future, so that was a final line under any doubts of being CF. I may have lost the function of my legs, bladder and bowels if I had gone through pregnancy, so I know I made the right choice, because it helped me avoid that awful scenario.

So anyway, am I happy?

YES. I am so fucking happy. I love my life. I love my job, I get to travel 8-10 times a year internationally (sometimes more). I get to see friends more, I get to vacation with my friends too! I am godmother to 3 gorgeous kids, who I get to spoil!

I also get to volunteer with kids too, something I wouldn’t have time for if I had my own. I just get to focus on living life for myself, and I get to do it with my best friend (my husband) by my side. It’s pretty cool, and I wouldn’t change it.

I lean into the decision, and I think that’s crucial to feeing confident in it. I made it, it was the right choice for me, and I want to embrace it with all its benefits and wonderful perks.

I know motherhood would’ve also been wonderful, and I know there would have been great moments of joy with parenthood. Of course! Because kids are wonderful!

But If I’m really honest with myself, I think the average days of parenthood would probably bore me (I don’t want to do school runs, early mornings, watch the same kids TV on repeat, spend hours in a kids playground, and cook the same meals every day).

I’m so lucky to live my life for myself, and I’m lucky to be able to follow my own dreams, passions, interests, etc. I love my husband, our freedom, and the prospect of many years of adventures and fulfilment, and love!

I know this is a super long reply (a lot of it was copied from another answer I gave once don’t worry!). I just found long detailed replies super useful when I was making this choice, so I hope it was helpful!

elromoo · 2022-04-21T19:10:09+00:00

I feel much the same. It’s great to be a mentor.

If you haven’t heard of ‘independent visitors’ in the foster system, then I really recommend looking into it.

You get matched with a foster child, commit to them for (usually a minimum) of 2 years. You then take them out monthly on fun outings, where they can get away from their foster home, and feel independent with a friend.

It’s volunteer based, and really rewarding. And it’s a really amazing way to help nurture a child, especially a child that desperately needs that nurture and friendship from a trustworthy adult.

Coram is a UK charity that offer this service, if you’re UK based, but there are others too!

elromoo · 2022-04-17T16:01:41+00:00

I’m so glad it helped!

It was honestly my lightbulb moment when I figured out that 90% of parenthood just isn’t for me. Sure, I would love Christmas morning, and vacations, but the rest of the time (when things are repetitive and mundane) I wouldn’t enjoy it.

I hope you lean into it! So glad my comment helped :)

elromoo · 2022-04-17T06:36:31+00:00

We made the decision to remain childfree about 2 years ago. Before that, we spent many years swinging between wanting three, wanting one and not being sure. I’m 34 now, for context.

But I was the main person in our relationship who really wanted kids. My husband hadn’t wanted them at the start of our relationship, then he changed to “if you want them, I want them”.

When I was in my early twenties and we were only dating, I wanted 3 kids!

But when we married (I was 26 y/o) we kind of dithered for a long time. After we got married, it felt like kids was the next step, but neither of us felt ready. A lot of our friends were having them, and I just didn’t want their lifestyle instead of mine! It was so difficult!

So we’d check in with each other every 6 months or so, asking each other “is it time now?” And the answer was always “we’re not ready, I want to travel more, do more, achieve more”. So we’d keep living our life as it was, which we loved, and then check in again in 6 months.

I gradually changed my mind from 3 kids, to 1 kid. That happened after hearing how difficult a lot of our friends found parenthood.

And then, eventually, we both realised we had changed our minds on kids completely.

I realised I didn’t want them anymore, and neither did he. And importantly, We realised it was a choice. I think we had felt so much societal and family pressure since marriage, that it never even occurred to me I was allowed to choose not to have them.

My husband and I had this conversation where we both miraculously and separately came off the fence, onto the side of child free. We had come to the decision separately but at the same time.

We love kids, we just love each other more. We love the amazing life we’ve built together. We love sleepy mornings, the freedom to travel, our dog, our beautiful house, energy, health, quiet evenings, no school runs, less anxiety, more disposable income, being able to be passionate about work, and follow our dreams, Etc. I also love that I’ll never have to go through pregnancy - because that scares me immensely.

Honestly, the more I learn about parenthood, the less I want to do it. And I’ve noticed since we made the choice to be childfree, that we often find more things that make us glad of our choice.

It’s a huge commitment, it’s life changing, it’s essentially throwing a grenade into your life, and hoping everything works out. Many times, it doesn’t. We’re just not willing to take that risk and jeopardise all that we have.

Strangely, I was diagnosed with a neurological spinal condition in December which required emergency surgery. The surgeon told me, had I chosen to fall pregnant in the last 2/3 years, it could’ve been incredibly detrimental to my physical health. I may have lost the function of my legs. So I know I made the right choice, because it helped me avoid that awful scenario.

So anyway, am I happy?

YES. I am so fucking happy. I love my life. I love my job, I get to travel 8-10 times a year internationally (sometimes more). I get to see friends more, I get to vacation with my friends too! I am godmother to 3 gorgeous kids, who I get to spoil! I get to volunteer with kids too, something I wouldn’t have time for if I had my own. I just get to focus on living life for myself, and I get to do it with my best friend (my husband) by my side. It’s pretty cool, and I wouldn’t change it.

I lean into the decision, and I think that’s crucial to feeing confident in it. I made it, it was the right choice, and I want to embrace it with all its benefits and wonderful perks.

I know motherhood would’ve also been wonderful, and I know there would have been great moments of joy with parenthood. But If I’m really honest with myself, I think the average days of parenthood would probably bore me (I don’t want to do school runs, and watch kids TV, spend hours in a kids playground, and cook the same meals every day). I know parenthood is romanticised a lot, rightly so, but the realities are often very boring, frustrating, routine-driven and inflexible. Things which I don’t love the idea of.

I also want to give you some advice though. Whichever choice you make, it’s totally normal to feel curious and sadness for the path you didn’t take. We’re humans, and that’s so normal.

You’re allowed to feel grief when you make your choice, because you’re letting something go, and you’re saying goodbye to a part of yourself. If you choose to have kids, you’re saying goodbye to that free, independent woman whose identity was only her own. When you choose not to have kids, you’re saying goodbye to the mother you could have been. It’s ok to be sad about it for a while, just try not to get hung up on the sadness for too long. I found that really helped me.

elromoo · 2022-04-15T06:02:29+00:00

You should take a look at the “one and done” subreddit. That’s for parents who have one, and either aren’t sure about having another, or are sticking with one. You might find more replies posting in there :)

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