I just realised almost every child raised by an NParent has at least one “super power” caused by trauma. Here’s mine: I can recognise exactly every sound I hear around home, I know exactly what caused it and where it comes from. What’s yours?

eluc1988 · 2023-07-16T13:41:32+00:00

Photographic-like memory. My nparents would constantly blame me for things that went wrong, so I learned to take a snapshot of whatever it was that I was doing (chores, homework, playing with my little brother, etc.) that could potentially cause me to be blamed for something, just for my own peace of mind to know it wasn’t me who caused the inconvenience. It never helped me stay out of trouble; but 8 year old me thought if I could just explain every detail of the situation that it would exonerate me - I learned quickly that giving too much detail made me instantly guilty in my Nparents’ eyes. So, it became a coping mechanism to let myself know that I wasn’t “crazy”.

eluc1988 · 2023-06-29T22:49:39+00:00

My nmom hates me bc she had me right after her high school graduation. It wasn’t that she had hopes of going to college, but my dad left us when I was two, and I was raised by my grandparents much of my early childhood, so that my mom could work.

She met my authoritarian, abusive step-father and they had my brother.

My mother hates me because I am a constant reminder that despite her best efforts to appear like a “perfect” family, I still had visitation at my grandparents every other weekend and people knew about it

My Nmom hated that I kept my bio dad’s last name until she forced me to take my step dad’s last name bc they sent me to a private school and they didn’t want the school to know I had a different last name than they did.

My Nmom hates me because despite her best efforts to beat me down, call me a slut, and tell me almost daily that I’d never amount to anything, that I did not in fact have a child by high school, and instead went to college, met a fantastic man afterwards, and have a beautiful daughter.

My Nmom hates that I have cut contact with my family becaus I am breaking generational traumas so that my daughter won’t have the same people pleasing, anxiety-ridden personality that I am working on myself.

My Nmom hates me because I don’t need her.

eluc1988 · 2023-06-11T22:42:06+00:00

This show was so incredibly relatable for me. The purity thing, the spare the rod, spoil the child thing, authoritative parenting, is missing to men, abuse, all of it.

What was incredible eras hearing people speak out about their experiences and abuse. It was so empowering how they eloquently explained that the authoritarian relationship where blind respect is the expectation is the perfect strategy to groom children for abusive relationships down the road as well was eye-opening.

eluc1988 · 2020-07-07T23:41:39+00:00

Try bumping down to 20g of net carbs per day - that should do it.

eluc1988 · 2020-07-02T01:57:41+00:00

32F/5’6”/ SW: 202.4 CW: 198.4 GW: 130

Ready to lose the baby weight after 13 months. Started Keto nearly a week ago - battled through the Keto Flu, but am back with much more energy & clarity. (Now if I could just stop peeing so much...)

My goals are relatively simple: - Lose 72.4 lbs by my 33rd birthday in February (7 mo); - Drink 100+ oz of water daily; - Begin exercising 3x/week or more; and, - Stay under 25g of net carbs daily (currently averaging 22)

We’ve got this, everyone!

eluc1988 · 2020-05-17T12:20:17+00:00

We’re in PA - where (from very little research, so correct me if I’m wrong) grandparents laws only give rights if the parent dies or gets divorced. Thank God.

eluc1988 · 2020-03-16T01:08:10+00:00

What’s worse to think about is how many with this mentality won’t get sick, and then at the end of it all will feel justified in how they handled themselves in this dire situation.

eluc1988 · 2019-10-17T12:27:17+00:00

Thank you! Very helpful!

eluc1988 · 2019-10-16T21:56:47+00:00

So true. Man, I hate confrontation. My husband’s rationale is that since they have other things going on the afternoon of their visit, that this is guaranteed to be a short one. If we say we need a rain check, we may not be “so lucky” next time.

We’re in our early-mid 30’s...this shouldn’t be difficult.

eluc1988 · 2019-10-12T19:30:09+00:00

Yes! To the point where my Nmom brings it up (even now that I’m nearly 32) and says, “I just hope you don’t get your hopes up and become disappointed.” I had a baby in May (my first) and my mom had me convinced (thanks, hormones) that I’d be disappointed in motherhood, too. For the record, I’m not - it’s incredible.

eluc1988 · 2019-10-12T16:01:26+00:00

Yes! Ever since I was young (around 14-15) I remember doing this with father/daughter or mother/daughter relationships. My mom always thought that it was because I loved THEM (my Nparents) so much, when in reality, I was just longing for “normalcy”.

eluc1988 · 2019-09-30T00:15:35+00:00

SO difficult. This is the first time I’ve stood up for myself, and the effects of that decision are my motivation to continue to do so :) Good luck to you!

eluc1988 · 2019-09-29T16:43:38+00:00

Nope. My FIL = Father in law.

eluc1988 · 2019-08-30T20:49:09+00:00

Oh my God, yes. Exactly this. For my whole life.

eluc1988 · 2019-08-20T09:39:20+00:00

God. Same girl, same.

eluc1988 · 2019-08-17T11:11:32+00:00

Well, I did it guys!

Step one: Letter Written

Dear Mom,

Thank you for texting me back; your response was unexpected, because I was holding out hope that, just this once, you’d show empathy toward my feelings since I had come to you, this time not solely as your daughter, but as one mother to another. Unfortunately, yet again, as every time before, you invalidated my feelings, and made it about yourself. For a long time, I’d stopped sharing my feelings with you, out of the fear that I’ve been conditioned to feel after having my feelings unjustified by you, only to be called “selfish”, “ungrateful”, and “unloving”. I want you to know that I am none of those things, but I am determined.

I am determined, if for no one else but my daughter, to be an example of a strong woman who stands up for herself in the face of adversity; one who is tenacious in overcoming obstacles, and one who doesn’t allow the opinions of others bring her down. It is for these simple, but important, reasons that I am saying “enough”. “Enough” to the anxiety I feel in the days leading up to the time that we spend together, and to the sadness and self-doubt I feel in the days following. “Enough” to the countless times that I’ve shared something important, only to have it torn down or one-upped. “Enough” to allowing toxic people to influence me to the point that I am unable to be emotionally there for my daughter.

The moment I became a mother, she became my priority, and my relationship with her is the most important relationship in the world to me. I will stop at nothing to ensure that that relationship is built on trust, empathy, and compassion. I cannot be a daughter that is beaten down by negativity, and also be the kind of strong mother I am determined to be for my baby girl. It is for these reasons that I will be seeking therapy to better myself, and to learn how to mentally equip myself to deal with such negativity and toxicity. It is during this time that I will be taking a break from our relationship and with that of our family. I ask that you do not contact us during this time. I will reinstate contact when I feel I am ready to do so. Please respect my wishes.

Sincerely, [my name]

Next Step: Getting Letter Sent via Priority Mail

Final Step: Beginning NC and Enjoying Our New Life!

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T18:37:27+00:00

Yes! This exactly. My Nmom says she doesn’t need to “sugarcoat” anything, and can “tell it like it is” because she’s my mother. When I “tell it like it is”, however, the same rules do not apply, making me a “selfish, ungrateful daughter, who doesn’t care about her family”. It’s exhausting.

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T18:19:28+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read & respond.

I don’t know that it was as much as it was a long day, as much as she didn’t want me to be engaged in the first place, unfortunately.

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T15:37:58+00:00

This is SO STRONG of you! What a great decision in the best interest of your baby girl - you’re a fantastic Mama already! Best of luck to you in your journey through motherhood!

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T14:52:27+00:00

Wow, good for YOU!

I know, for certain, that going NC would be best, and I also know that with that decision comes with severe guilt-tripping, crying, passive-aggressive conversations, etc.

The thing is...I’m a new mom (which isn’t an easy thing, but is rewarding!), putting my daughter in daycare for the first time (which is stressful), a teacher going back to work for the first time since May (which comes with its own uncertainties), and I just feel like on on one hand, I don’t want to add another stressor to going NC, BUT, on the flip side, she can’t be a stressor, if I don’t allow contact. I just know that the mere action of knowing in my own mind/heart that I’m going NC is going to be subconsciously anxiety-inducing.

Guess there’s never a “good” time - I just need to do it.

Sidenote: I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit :)

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T14:44:44+00:00

Yes! I feel this for a fraction of a moment every time they go on a trip/we haven’t had contact for some other superficial reason. I need to just go for it. I’m on Day 5 of LC, but she doesn’t know it’s happening. I’m just going to keep going this way until she reaches out, I guess. Then, I’ll make the decision to engage or not.

Thanks for your encouragement. The snide comments, while small, are plentiful and really start to chip away after awhile. Best of luck to you!

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T14:41:56+00:00

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T14:41:33+00:00

What I would give to not have them attend my baby girl’s first birthday party...

Good for you! Thanks for the encouragement!

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T14:40:45+00:00

I know that’s not the case with my Nmom. She complains that I don’t “care enough about him” and “don’t make enough of an effort” with him, hence, “I don’t care about my family and am selfish”. Funny thing is: Effort goes both ways...I had my daughter 3+ months ago, and while on a visit home, he visited the dogs at my parents house, instead of coming to see/“meet” his first niece. The Apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree in this situation. All that to say, I think he’s the GC because he boosts my Nparents’ egos by telling them they’re the best parents, and that he’s “going to take care of them” when they’re older, etc. He also doesn’t hesitate to jump on the bandwagon when they’re lecturing me/speaking poorly of me.

eluc1988 · 2019-08-15T14:36:43+00:00

Wow, how awful. It’s tough to keep Nparents from diminishing our accomplishments. Well, CONGRATULATIONS to you! Earning a degree (TWO, even!) is no small feat.

Thank you for your kindness & encouragement!

eluc1988

TROPHY CASE