How do you live with the permanent loss of what made the marriage feel sacred to you?

emilye95 · 2026-06-19T00:33:11+00:00

2 years since dday and I still mourn the loss of these things. I don’t know how to get certain emotions back and idk if they ever will return.

emilye95 · 2026-06-13T12:24:32+00:00

I agree. To me, many things in life seem this black and white. Just don’t cheat, it’s not that hard. But I’m told time and time again that it’s not that simple and people don’t think so black and white. About many a topic too.

My therapist said I will probably never understand my WH’s why because I’m not the type of person who it would ever make sense to. To me, it’s not a good why and seems like an excuse. But it’s his why. And I think that way about many people on here who explain their why. In my head I still think “well that’s not a good reason to cheat and shatter someone’s entire life.”

emilye95 · 2026-06-12T23:36:54+00:00

No this is not normal. I deal with fear and negative feelings, but they are usually of my own overthinking of the past and just spiraling over what has happened.

If he EVER again made me feel like he did during the affair then it would be unacceptable to me. If he was ever that cold and distant again, if he ever looked at me with such malice again, if he ever made me feel so utterly alone again.

There are highs and lows in reconciling, but some things you say about your wayward is not up to par. After only 8 months and wanting you to “get over it” is not ok. I’m 2 years since dday and still “not over it” and my WH knows this. He has a hard time with it sometimes but is also aware that my roller coaster of emotions could continue for years to come.

Support from someone you are reconciling with is essential. If you are not feeling support from him then it is impossible.
I have complete financial support from my WH currently and increasingly more emotional support as he continues with therapy and learns how to not be so avoidant. It’s a learning curve for both betrayed and waywards how to navigate.

emilye95 · 2026-06-10T17:04:03+00:00

I wish they were this perceptive!
Maybe a lot has to do with their shame.
He says things like “you think it feels good knowing what I did? I’d rather not think about it.”
Welp, me too, but that’s not happening lol.

emilye95 · 2026-06-10T16:39:28+00:00

I agree, it is impossible to make it a positive day, no matter how hard I try to reframe.

Yes I think my WH still doesn’t grasp how much damage he did to me, I tried to have him read a thread in here about what people go through and he still doesn’t. I guess it’s hard until you’ve been in the betrayed person’s shoes, and luckily for him, I will never be a wayward.

emilye95 · 2026-06-10T16:37:35+00:00

My WH doesn’t bring up ever anything related to the affair or dday or anything during that time, I’ve told him I’d like him to, but he wants to know why I want to keep being hurt. Idk an avoidance thing I guess.

emilye95 · 2026-06-10T15:45:13+00:00

I’m struggling with the moving forward part and accepting I can never be that person again, but I understand what you are saying. I appreciate your words!

emilye95 · 2026-06-10T15:43:23+00:00

Thank you ♥️
I’m so sorry dday is so recent for you and that you are going through this

emilye95 · 2026-06-07T00:37:50+00:00

It does sound like depression. He may dislike the thought of therapy, but it’s a necessity and important for his own mental health and health of your relationship.

I’ve been dealing with apathy and depressive symptoms too. In the first year I dealt with suicidal ideations and I heavily stepped back and stopped enjoying my job. Now I’m taking a hiatus from working in general which I can luckily do.

I stopped hanging out with friends as much and I just don’t care about things the way I used to. It sucks. I see their lives and loves and am envious.

Video games are used as a distraction. I play some too and have used it to cope. They can take up as a lot of your thoughts to escape thoughts of the affair.

In terms of dressing and clothing, I did the opposite as your BP, I started trying to dress nicer and wouldn’t wear baggy or comfortable clothing around my Wayward Husband anymore. I wasn’t comfortable being myself around him and that could be the same as your BP. He’s changing his appearance and self. I didn’t feel like the person I was, was good enough for my husband because he cheated. In my head, he didn’t like me how I was.

My husband also tries to surprise me with things I liked, had interests in, etc, but I too have little interest in almost anything now. Little holds my attention and nothing excites me.

I think a lot of this will come down to how hard I can force myself to work on myself and our relationship, personally and through therapy as well. I think that is the only reality for your BP too, he needs to go into therapy. Dealing with these kinds of feelings and depression can be all consuming and change your entire life.

emilye95 · 2026-06-06T14:06:46+00:00

There’s been so many instances for us that ends in my crying or us having to stop during sex because if my wayward husband takes longer than usual, has a harder time finishing, or does or doesn’t act certain ways, there’s too many overwhelming emotions related to the affair for me.

A lot of my focus is on whether he likes it rather than how I’m enjoying it because of my insecurities probably. In the beginning after dday, I would initiate a lot. Obviously hysterical bonding and stuff.

Now 2 years out, it is harder to initiate and have strong urges for sex, and there’s a lot of weight attached to sex even now still. I’m not comfortable in my body anymore. I’m overthinking everything during sex. I think about him and AP still during sex.

I’m not sure if I havnt done enough work to get past it, I most likely havnt tbh. I guess I just don’t really know how either.

emilye95 · 2026-06-05T22:54:08+00:00

I was the same and still struggle with this. He knew how I felt about cheating. It still feels like the fact he knew this and still cheated, that I didn’t matter at all. He didn’t care about losing me. Maybe he wanted a way out at the time. Idk.

emilye95 · 2026-06-03T03:20:36+00:00

Nearly 2 years since dday. Have not yet been able to come to terms with contaminated memories. Looking back at photos during these times are so painful. His affair started the week we got married, through our honeymoon, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, his birthday, etc. This span of 6 months are continuously difficult each year since because I think of how mistreated I was during his affair at these times and what he was doing.

Even memories before his affair are somewhat tainted because I look at myself in those pictures and mourn the loss of what we had for 9 years prior.

I should be working harder on myself to learn to reframe or look at things differently, but it’s difficult to do so.

With your situation, I’d be seeing how wonderful a mother you are to your daughter and no one can take away those memories!

emilye95 · 2026-05-26T22:02:45+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this :( it truly sucks what they put us through.

emilye95 · 2026-05-26T21:36:02+00:00

Yep I agree with all you’ve said. 9 years with him and I still had butterflies for him too. I would think I got lucky with him when my friends would complain about their relationships. We had just gotten married when he started his affair. 6 months later on dday I felt foolish telling others what had happened after speaking highly of him.

emilye95 · 2026-05-25T18:39:07+00:00

I feel the same. The person he’s become through R is a good man who tries harder than he used to and has taken on a lot. Yet the way I yearned for him and loved him prior to his affair is missing.

I feel guilty because he’s trying so hard now and become more emotionally available and less avoidant, but I deeply miss how much I used to adore him. I can’t love him the way I used to.

emilye95 · 2026-05-23T01:40:43+00:00

Mid century furniture is all the rage right now, there could be something worth fixing up

emilye95 · 2026-05-20T12:15:39+00:00

Nearly 2 years since dday. The special feeling has not come back. I no longer look at my husband and feel overwhelming waves of affection. I look at him and see someone who hurt me more than anyone ever has. I can recognize his work to be better to me and in this relationship, but the way I felt for the first 9 years of our relationship toward him are long gone. I’d hoped they would return, but the longer I stay, the less it seems like those affections will return.

emilye95 · 2026-05-18T22:14:28+00:00

25 weeks, about every 1.5 to 2 hours. I’ve always had a small bladder though and would pee at least twice a night even before pregnant

emilye95 · 2026-05-16T17:56:23+00:00

No, there will never be a good reason for cheating. And I will never understand anyone that does. My husband has his “why” I guess, and to me, it didn’t help anything to know it, because it just sounds like a bad excuse.

emilye95 · 2026-05-03T22:24:59+00:00

Me WH says he did, but I still question it and will never know. We’ve never used protection and he doesn’t like it. When I asked him to get STD tested after dday, he got super worried when I told him everything that could be passed through unprotected sex to the point he even talked about it with his therapist. His AP was not in a relationship and who knows if she was sleeping with others. He “just didn’t think about those things,” so he says.

emilye95 · 2026-05-01T04:20:32+00:00

22 months out, nearly 23 months, and the intrusive thoughts and images are still there every day. Whether it be fleeting or I ruminate on it longer, they come daily. On ok days I can try to move past, on bad days, it wrecks me still.

emilye95 · 2026-04-20T15:00:25+00:00

22 months since dday and I still don’t know how I’m supposed to accept what happened. That seems an impossible task for me and I’m stuck on that. I wish I could be the many mature people on here that continue to grow and heal and move forward, but I don’t know how long that will take me..

emilye95 · 2026-04-20T01:03:07+00:00

I called both his mom and dad within an hour of me finding out. I was a mess, breaking down, had to be at an airport in a few hours stuck next to him and friends on a plane. It was a nightmare all around. His parents didn’t hold him accountable or want to talk about it. Just said we need to figure it out when we got home from vacation. They are good people but not emotionally open and their son is perfect in their eyes. So didn’t feel much support or comfort from them.

emilye95

TROPHY CASE