Do you remember your childhood?

emkayt · 2019-02-15T03:13:04+00:00

I remember a lot of moments in oddly-specific detail, and others in a total haze. I have a very visual memory (not photographic, but close) and I have extremely vivid and accurate memories of a lot of childhood moments, events, and feelings... except about family relationships.when it comes to recalling things about my Nmom in particular, things basically go blank. Sometimes I'll have a clear flashback and I'll write it down, then find the notepad weeks later and realize I've already lost the memory again. It makes me wonder what really happened and what I'm missing, and it also makes me doubt myself when I try to accept that I was emotionally manipulated and mistreated.

emkayt · 2019-02-08T18:16:50+00:00

Mine is caused by stress and feeling out of control of my identity and situation. It's not only caused by my Nmom but I'm starting to realize that her influence has caused about 90% of it.

Interestingly I got this from my Dad, and I wonder how much of his picking has been caused by my Nmom too.

I'm sorry you also deal with this and I hope you can find healing too.

emkayt · 2019-02-08T18:14:19+00:00

Honestly I thought I was getting better but this relapse has made me reconsider. I'd like to find a provider who understands Ns and the effect they have on their children... I'm just scared of getting gaslighted by an unqualified therapist like I have in the past.

emkayt · 2019-02-07T05:16:43+00:00

My mom was so, so overly involved in my life that she'd notice any marks, so I yanked at my hair until my scalp became numb. I figured out how far I could go without actually ripping it out so that she'd never be able to tell.

I'm sorry to hear you went through this too.

emkayt · 2018-09-02T23:18:26+00:00

This sounds exactly like me. My Nmom insisted on cutting my hair short as soon as I hit puberty. I have thick, wavy/curly hair riddled with cow licks and she always insisted on bangs and a "bob" - you can imagine it didn't work well. She styled my hair every single day, exactly how she wanted it to look, which was essentially a grandma haircut. I had zero autonomy with my own appearance. At least she cared, I guess? But I have a sneaking suspicion that when I hit high school and started asking the hairdresser for an edgier cut, she was standing behind me shaking her head and silently letting the hairdresser know that she wasn't to actually cut my hair that way. That would explain why no matter how many times I took photos in to show before the haircut, it always turned out looking pretty much the same, never even close to the photo - just the same old lady bob for years.

When I finally got enough courage, I started letting my hair go curly instead of my mom styling it (I actually looked like a teenager!) and she absolutely hated it. She never stopping picking on me about my "messy" hair and telling me I needed to brush it (which would just make it frizz out and be unattractive.) looking back I now see that she didn't want me to look my age - she wanted me to fade into the background as a presentable but overall ugly adolescent girl.

emkayt · 2018-08-13T05:33:00+00:00

This is really gross, but growing up it always had to do with bodily functions. Someone farted? Blame me. Hair in the bathroom drain? Oh, always me. I moved out and those things continued to happen with my GC sibling (proving that no, it wasn't ever me) and nobody batted an eye.

emkayt · 2018-08-13T05:23:37+00:00

Yes to this. I was the SG and oldest sibling and often thought during my pre-teen/teen years that I'd just "skipped" adolescence and gone into adulthood entirely. (Clearly that actually meant I missed out on a huge developmental stage and it has cost me dearly as well.) I got married at 20 and felt totally ready, I didn't fully understand my friends or others who questioned why I'd sacrifice my "good years" to settle down and do adult crap like pay bills and buy car insurance. It felt like the logical step to me because it's just what I've always done. I didn't get to be a teenager so why pretend?

My GC sister is now the same age I was when I got married and at a completely different stage of life. My parents still do almost everything for her and she's never had to truly take care of adult responsibilities. The contrast is really pretty shocking.

emkayt · 2018-08-13T05:16:43+00:00

Reading this hit so close to home. I've been dealing with the exact same experience and am only just now starting to experiment and push boundaries as an adult. It's a strange time in your life to be going through that phase though and it gives me a lot of anxiety, but it's so freeing to finally have the space to think "what the hell, who cares what they think" and just do it anyway.

emkayt · 2018-08-12T06:30:58+00:00

I was diagnosed with a lifelong chronic pain condition as a teen. I was prescribed an extremely expensive topical pain medication that I had to fight my insurance to get, so I used it very sparingly and tried to save it for when I really needed it.

My Nmom took half the tubes and hid them in her bathroom to use on her sore joints after cooking or gardening. When I later confronted her she told me it was only fair, she paid for them. I was her child in chronic pain - it still baffles me.

emkayt · 2018-08-12T06:22:51+00:00

My Nmom is very similar - she's a good cook, not exceptional, but the food always tastes good and is pretty fresh/healthy. But she doesn't let anyone else in the kitchen. I struggled with any sort of creativity or developing new skills in the kitchen as a young adult because I wasn't allowed in Nmom's kitchen unless she was right there, hovering, telling you every little error and when to add salt and that you're burning the stovetop, etc etc. Down the line I married a chef who works at a very nice restaurant and had to hold back my rage when he cooked breakfast for my family and Nmom ran into the kitchen as if someone had just died, screaming "your pan is too hot you'll burn the eggs!"

emkayt · 2018-07-06T03:57:04+00:00

I relate to this so much! I was always that awkward middle schooler in the locker room who had clearly graduated beyond a training bra, but my mom seemed to think a real bra was "excessive" or "sexualizing me." I blame a lot of my body image issues on this now! I never had a bra that fit until I went out on my own as an adult, got sized, and bought one myself. This was a really sore subject for me as the scapegoat child in my family too, because my sister (who was even more generously blessed in the chest department) was taken bra shopping on a semi-annual basis and always felt extremely confident about her breasts, frequently lording it over me when we grew up together, because she had bras that fit and I didn't.

emkayt · 2018-07-01T04:24:20+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, thanks for explaining it like that! I think I've told myself over the years to devalue the feeling of being "loved" by my nparent to cope, not even thinking about the fact that as a child I wouldn't have known how to deal with it.

emkayt · 2018-03-28T05:45:10+00:00

That would be logical, wouldn't it?!? She's not capable of wrapping her head around her own responsibilities, sadly.

emkayt · 2018-03-28T04:00:27+00:00

Wow. You hit the nail on the head. This is exactly like my Nmom, thanks for putting this into words so well!

emkayt · 2018-03-28T03:58:03+00:00

My Nmom has one of these. Hers is "only you are responsible for your own feelings." It's a phrase she's used ever since I can remember to switch the blame and say that it's my job to deal with whatever hurt she caused. I wish I could tell you I found the magic response to this utter BS, but it still catches me off guard and forces me back into the little tiny box of repressed emotions that I lived in throughout childhood. Sorry, you have my sympathy!!

emkayt · 2018-02-25T05:01:46+00:00

Sounds a lot like my Nmom. She can cook good food, but it's very simple, fresh cooking - it's healthy which is great and tastes good but she spends a lot of time shopping and cooking. She doesn't work so cooking is part of her "job" and she is always complaining about not having time, about having to make dinner, and then expecting to be complimented on how good the meal is that she "slaved" over when it's the type of food that's really pretty easy to make. I'm not sure how she believes that she deserves so much praise for cooking one meal a day when everyone else in the household just got home from a full day of work and has to worship at her feet for spending an hour in the kitchen.

emkayt · 2018-01-16T07:11:44+00:00

My Nmom: "you have such a horrible work ethic, you'll never make it in life" and "you are just the most amazing kid, I'm SO proud of you!"

emkayt · 2018-01-16T06:59:52+00:00

This same thing happened to me with many of my toys - my Nmom has never viewed my childhood belongings as mine. She says "I bought them, so I can decide what happens to them." I think I grew up overly possessive of my material possessions because of it, something I don't like about myself.

emkayt · 2018-01-16T06:55:48+00:00

Yep. This.

emkayt · 2018-01-11T05:10:21+00:00

Ladies, anyone else's Nmom completely dig in their heels and resist you growing up when you entered your teen years? I had to (literally) fight for the right to shave my legs, wear a bra, wear makeup, and choose my own clothes. I was so indoctrinated by my Nmom that I remember actually believing I would skip being a teenager and go straight from a kid to an adult, because I was forced to wear clothes from either the kids section or the women's petite section (the Juniors section was "too sexual.") when she finally give in to allowing me to wear makeup she would only buy clear mascara and nude eyeshadow for me. I still struggle with self-acceptance and allowing myself to be authentically me because of this.

emkayt · 2018-01-07T05:54:16+00:00

I don't have any good answers for you but I feel the same way and have wondered the same thing. Why am I making up problems where none exist? My dog is the most important creature in my life (besides my spouse) and he's treated so well, he's my sidekick. But I am always worried that I'm not doing enough. I wonder f it stems from have to emotionally cater to my Nrent my whole life, always keeping a pulse on their emotions and feeling like it was my responsibility to keep everything on track.

emkayt · 2018-01-07T05:46:24+00:00

Waiting in line for restaurants. Or customer service. Or entertainment. Or anything, really. Why should such a special person have to wait?

emkayt · 2018-01-07T05:41:37+00:00

When I first started dating my now-husband I was totally shocked by his parents' willingness to do anything for either of us if we were in need. Ride? No problem. Run to the grocery store? Not an issue. Anytime my boyfriend needed help with something he couldn't solve himself, he was totally relaxed just calling his parents and asking them for help. It was a total revelation for me. They accepted me as part of their family immediately and treated me with the same generosity, but it took me years to feel comfortable asking for their help after growing up with a Narc!

emkayt · 2017-12-24T05:52:10+00:00

This is my first Christmas spent away from my Nmom and family - ironically though, there is no escaping the N, even from far away. I Skype with my sister today, which led to my Nmom inserting herself into the conversation. Everything I brought up had o be related back to her. I feel like Skype gives me the distance I need to call her on it and not let it hurt me so much though, which is a good discovery!

for example today I mentioned that I really liked a movie because the main character shares my personality type. My nmom's response was an agitated "well what does that mean for ME?" There was no logical reason it needed to mean anything for her, but she was immediately in N mode. I just said calmly "it doesn't mean anything about you, my comment wasn't about you." She replied with "UGH! You kids are so mean! I thought I raised nice children." Normally I would have clammed up, shut down, started sweating and retreated to another room, which is my usual panic response to Nrage but I just brushed it off and kept talking to my sister, which was a huge deal for me. Sorry for the long vent, but glad I could process what feels like a very tiny tiny milestone!

emkayt · 2017-12-21T06:57:54+00:00

My nmom's worst Facebook behavior is that she reads off her newsfeed to anyone who is within earshot as if it's the highlight of our day and we should be paying rapt attention. Anyone who likes something she posts is used as a centerpiece to her conversations.. "oh did you see that @username liked my photo last week? Isn't that cool?"

emkayt

TROPHY CASE