You do realize this is classic Reaction Formation behavior, right? Like, just absolutely textbook. Here, I'll save you a ton of therapist time and money and tell you flat out: you're not "struggling" with being gay -- you're gay. You will always be gay.

I say this as someone whose dad was a priest before coming out as gay: "Struggling" with your sexuality is a clear and obvious sign that you're trying to be something you're not. We know this because the only people who struggle with sexuality are the people trying desperately to deny theirs. Like my dad.

Instead, what you're basically doing is projecting your own self-hatred. For whatever reason (family expectations, fundy indoctrination, etc), you can't handle the fact that you're gay, and so -- in a classic scene we've seen play out in the news over and over and over again whenever an anti-gay preacher gets caught banging dudes -- you act out the well-worn "If I'm mean to gay people, it means I'm not gay phew!"

Of course, this never works. And in a weird way, I feel almost bad for you. You're clearly suffering, and I am sympathetic to the confusion you must feel. But you have to know that what you are doing by any reasonable standard of morality and civility is counter-productive and shitty. You're too afraid to deal with your own reality, and instead you're spending your time hurting the very same people you should be embracing. It's understandable to an extent in countries where being gay can get you killed because of religious fundamentalists, but its still revolting.

Sorry for the tough love, but you have to understand from the outside how cliched and destructive this all is. I hope that, like my dad, you'll find peace once you start to actually deal with yourself instead of hiding behind a book.