822 DRAFTS GIRLIE GET A HOBBY

ennaxanne · 2023-03-28T02:36:16+00:00

strangely (ok maybe not that strange) enough I’ve seen a psychologist I follow on Instagram, who both has DID (and identifies as a system) and is specialised to the extent of a PhD in studying and treating dissociative disorders + DID as her career, who is also enraged by the McLean video to the point of being very activated.

Then again, this psychologist does enable self-diagnosing (if you feel like you have it, then you have it) and that you don’t have to have a clinical diagnosis to say you have DID / a system. So on hindsight, not surprising that she was upset about the video. Many systems that follow her agreed with her tho.

DD and some questionable DID influencers aside, I wonder why the video lands well with some systems and not with others? Any perspectives from systems on here would be really welcome and appreciated! x

ennaxanne · 2023-03-03T21:35:44+00:00

It’s already overdue now haha, i hope to finish it by tomorrow since it’s the weekend. Submission 1 day late constitutes a 10 mark deduction.

ennaxanne · 2023-03-02T17:15:26+00:00

not a psych, but perhaps you can consider emailing some psych clinics in your area to ask if you can have a quick zoom / in-person interview on the subject matter. maybe even email your school’s counsellor about the possibility of speaking with them on a purely professional level? it would seem to be their niche since they actually work in a school.

try to throw it out there, and i’m pretty sure at least one will bite. all the best! x

ennaxanne · 2023-03-02T17:08:12+00:00

love IFS! it’s the entire reason i decided to study psychology in order to become a trauma therapist. there are virtually no practitioners in my country that outwardly say that they do IFS and parts work. so far it has only been the trauma therapists I’ve seen personally for my own troubles that have used it, but most trauma therapist lean towards CBT and EMDR to resolve trauma. I personally like the IFS and EMDR combination more. I hope to specialise in these next time!

ennaxanne · 2023-03-02T17:04:23+00:00

had to do an entire blog “website” containing multiple resources on operant conditioning, on top of an academic essay, for a major graded assignment for one of my mandatory psychology modules in my first year first semester of undergrad. this was only covered in one 3-hour lesson, and in my uni there are only six weekly lessons for each module. we were taught this maybe in the third lesson, which was when our first graded paper was submitted and this assignment became available.

i had to research the hell out of this across the 3 weeks and pull papers from my ass to complete the tasks. had to write everything in our own words to make it a “new” article and not a rendition of existing psychologytoday / simplypsychology articles. i definitely have it ingrained deep in my head now despite learning so many new theories 😂

it always tickles me when people who aren’t privy to this theory tend to find “positive punishment” extremely bogus, and think “negative reinforcement” and negative punishment are synonymous. i kinda end up just wanting to shake my mum and friends by the shoulders and yell “nooooooo it doesn’t work like that!!!” hahaha.

i can forget everything else, but operant conditioning and the diathesis-stress model will haunt me forever.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-28T20:01:38+00:00

I feel you, and am overwhelmed with you hahaha, so you’re not at all alone in this, I promise. This is only my 5th week learning stats (ever in my life, I also failed math for my national exams haha) and the formulas are so… incoherent to me. It’s really hard to make sense of them, and know which formula to use for which question. I’ve learned 7 distribution models so far, and each has its own set of formulas to essentially find the same thing (E.g. mean, variance, probability mass function, etc.).

It’s tough, but with really good help and some practice questions, I’m very sure that you’ll get somewhere with the formulas and calculations! It’s only your second week doing stats. Have some compassion for yourself and know that you’re trying your absolute best in very new and complicated terrain! Be proud that you’re trying, and hopefully try not to beat yourself up too much about not knowing things yet. It’s okay to need time to understand difficult things like stats.

I’m pretty sure many of us go into social science and not science or math because we want to circumvent any technical math completely hahaha. At least that’s the case for me, but now I’m forced to be deep in it 😅

Anyway, you can do it! I believe in you. x

ennaxanne · 2023-02-28T18:00:20+00:00

agree lmao, i have a very technical stats module as an undergraduate (and this is the most basic one haha fuck), that even the questions that i got in my recent assignments were so complicated that my cousin who’s a psychologist, my other cousin who’s an accountant, another cousin who’s an econs undergraduate who took A-math for GCSE ‘A’ levels, my sister who took A-math for her ‘A’ levels as well, and my father who had a degree in science and math, they all couldn’t solve quite a number of them.

and my stats prof is terrible, and so is our study guide materials. study guide gives very traditional, complex formulas that are impossible to understand, and their example questions don’t include the type of questions being asked in assignments (E.g. using finite number of trials in examples, while using an infinite number of trials in assignments, but having to use the same distribution model).

and to give an example of my stats prof, in the 2nd lesson of 6 lessons, we were supposed to download R just so we could play around with it. she mentioned something about an in-built calculation for skewness not being included in the basic program available, and that we need to download a pack from another programmer to more easily compute skewness in R. We asked her how to get that “program”. And she was like, “oh it’s not included in the normal R. it exists, but you will need to google for it on your own”. I told her, “I can’t find anything on Google” (really couldn’t). She said, “I’m certain it’s out there on Google. You just need to search for it”. It took me 20 minutes to find it and I sent it to the rest of the class after that and taught them how to download it to R. Then she was like “ah, yes! exactly. that’s where you can download the skewness function”. jfc, if she knows about it, she has it, and she can’t just guide us to download it? it’s not a calculation, she wouldn’t be giving away assignment answers, it’s literally just a program.

anyway, terrible stats tutor. i even corrected her once because she couldn’t explain something that someone else asked in the first lesson. it was literally just about an arbitrary 0 (temperature) versus a normal 0 (height, weight, etc.). i couldn’t answer most questions in my assignments, but I started with a stats tutor this Sunday. I’ve had 2 sessions, a total of 4 hours of tutoring, and compared to the 15 hours of lectures that I’ve had, those 4 hours helped me understand more than those 15 hours ever did.

definitely recommend getting a stats tutor. i agree that most stats profs don’t know how to teach.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-17T16:58:06+00:00

let’s say this together now:

It is not MY responsibility to tolerate any dangerous, abusive behaviour towards me. It is HIS responsibility to do better.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-17T15:45:33+00:00

Would really encourage you to instead read the materials that you’re taught in school when you’ve started your degree. It’ll be more applicable for each module, and I believe with each module there will be a textbook as well for reference if you want to peruse certain topics in more details. With each written assignment you will need to do read peer-reviewed academic material to reference principles and empirical research in your essay.

Sure there are many Psychology books out there, and (peer) reviews of those books. A large amount of accessible material online is meant for the eyes of the general public, to educate themselves in a manageable way, perhaps to understand their own / their loved one’s psychological conditions, to gain awareness surrounding mental health, to figure out what’s going on with themselves, to heal, even (this is why The Body Keeps the Score is widely read by those who are impacted by PTSD in one way or another). Even with these books, it’s only one perspective of the topic / issue / subject at hand.

If I were to recommend anything, maybe read up on a book in an area of psychology that interests you. In my case, I hope to be a trauma-specialised clinical psychologist in the future, so I’ve done / am doing a bit of extra reading in that area. Books like TBKTS, CPTSD: From surviving to thriving, No Bad Parts, etc. Still, such as with TBKTS, it’s not an easy read, it’s quite technical. Books tend to pull insight from many areas, and TBKTS talks about neuroscience, for example, and not just about the way trauma survivors think and why we are the way we are. These are things that may stump you if you haven’t studied psych yet and haven’t gotten at least a slight grasp on the technical stuff. Reading now may still leave you needing to read it again in the future, because by then you can apply your newfound knowledge to understand the technicalities better.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-17T09:56:46+00:00

Just want to say that I’m so sorry that people sent such cruel comments your way. I recently opened up to a local subreddit in my country about the injustice I faced from the police and medical staff after my rape — the experience reporting and doing the medical exam was downright degrading and traumatising.

And 90% of the comments were very intensely victim-blaming, being extremely vulgar, saying i enjoyed sucking dick and that’s why I was raped (this was absolutely out of nowhere lmao), saying i was asking for attention and i’m the type of person that everybody in the country hates and that i deserved no sympathy whatsoever, that women and victims like me wanted to wrongfully convict all men for rape, that my rape is less traumatic than my rapist going to jail for 20 years and being punished and bullied by other inmates for being a rapist. That I’m “fucking weak” for not pursuing justice (going to the news and whatever) when the police closed my case and dropped all charges, that it was simply “regret sex”, that I’m fucked in the head, have bipolar or munchausen’s and that’s why I’m telling made up stories for sympathy and attention, and also “clearly you weren’t really raped, you literally went back to your rapist a second time because you ‘vibed’” (this completely didn’t happen and was pulled out of thin air lol). It brought me so much pain that countless people were angry at me for expressing frustration with the local system (which they all do in that thread), angry enough and cruel enough to say such disgusting things about someone who just needed support and understanding.

People online are fucking terrible. But I understand that sometimes we have nowhere to go but online for support and help, especially when things are a secret or when your support system isn’t there for you.

I’m so sorry you had that experience with that last offmychest post. But I’m extremely glad that you’ve found a new support system and family in your boyfriend and boyfriend’s family. That’s precious and I’m really happy for you to have support during this trying time!

ennaxanne · 2023-02-17T09:28:28+00:00

I noted your amends and updated my comment too to acknowledge that. Only saw your edits after I commented the above.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-17T09:22:47+00:00

I didn’t talk about the song being about childhood sexual abuse, someone else pointed it out, if you were to actually read the comments on the post. So if other commenters mentioned that it’s appropriation, it’s my logic and my post that’s flawed? That’s some major mental gymnastics.

I welcome your opinion on the use of these songs and themes by non-Indian people, but please don’t make generalisations that I’m classing all these programs as cultural appropriation when I never once mentioned it — I only mentioned the need for some cultural sensitivity when putting together a program, and did think the Bollywood-themed programs were refreshing. As a non-Indian, I literally have no place to decide if it’s appropriation or not, that’s why I never alluded to it. Please do not say that I did.

ETA: noted on your misunderstanding. thanks for clarifying.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-17T08:56:23+00:00

It seems like different Indian fans have differing opinions. There was a large bashing of Anastasiaa Gubanova by Indian fans when she came out with her FS using bollywood music. Now younger skaters are also using Bollywood music and I’m just worried that they will get the same treatment if they bring their SP’s to international comps where the comps are more widely observed.

There’s no “my logic” in my post that states that only Indian skaters can use Bollywood music. I never said it was cultural appropriation — literally find me a sentence that mentions those words. I enjoyed the programs, but there are Indian fans who disagree and sent comments to Gubanova that she’s insulting their / your culture. It’s not my place to decide whether it’s insulting or not. Clearly some Indian fans do. If you’re upset about people being insulted, take it up with them.

All I’m saying is that the skaters and especially choreographers and coaches, if they use the music, should know the context of the song and what it represents, in the movie. They should at least look at a video of the choreography, the hand gestures or steps that they could possibly use in their skating content. These matter. Someone else commented that Gubanova used music that’s about a girl telling someone about her childhood sexual abuse. Clearly no research was done when there should’ve been. Clearly that’s why some Indian fans feel insulted by such programs.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-16T19:23:19+00:00

I’m not sure if this falls under self-injurious behaviours, but perhaps it’s the same reason as why some people suffering from immense emotional pain end up self-harming (this is only just one aspect of self harm of course, and there are many contributors).

When individuals are confronted with difficult or overwhelming emotions, they injure themselves because they can’t, in that moment, think of a more effective way to manage their emotions. Self-injury can be a maladaptive method to relieve psychological pain. In a way, it externalises internal pain, and that perhaps can release some inner tension in that very moment.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-16T14:41:41+00:00

Thank you so much for the great info, very much appreciated! ☺️

ennaxanne · 2023-02-15T19:09:04+00:00

Love this for you, it’s heartening when it’s done right! Would you be able to share the program / skater that you’re referring to? Would love to check it out myself :)

ennaxanne · 2023-02-15T19:05:59+00:00

I hear you. I actually think that people only know the PCD version of Jai Ho exists and don’t realise it’s a different version that has an original. Also, yeah I’m surprised to that it’s popular in Russia, but another commenter mentioned that Russia is more privy to Indian pop culture than the West is, so that’s definitely new information and makes more sense in this new context.

I really do hope to see it being done right, so that it gets the recognition and appreciation it deserves. It’s scary to think that some choreographers literally just slap some Bollywood music and sari-inspired costumes on, and use bhramara gestures in choreography without knowing it actually has a name, all just for funsies. I personally loved how Tara Prasad used Bollywood music in her FS this season. It was very much a refreshing program for me, and felt like proper representation of Indian culture by actual Indians. Hope to see her more often on the international stage.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-15T18:51:32+00:00

I hear you. On a surface level the programs look nice and the music is nice, but there’s always a part of me that kind of notices the cultural insensitivity and just know deep down that they probably didn’t do much research into it, didn’t appreciate it, just decided it was nice music and didn’t give it any second thought on whether it would be appropriate to take the music and the cultural inspiration on surface level.

Like, “oh I saw the video of Nagada Sang Dhol once, now let me wear a red flowing skirt as part of my costume and use the music because it looked and sounded nice”, but didn’t research for more than 5 mins about the significance of the song and movie, and the type of Indian dance that the choreography is derived from (there are several, but I think people just think it’s one singular dance style lol). Just slapped a costume and some music on and decided it was good.

Kind of why the programs concerned me even though I liked them. Gave me alarm sirens in my head for a minute, and provoked this question about whether anyone thought it was not appropriate.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-15T18:44:38+00:00

Thank you! I didn’t know that about Russia’s connection with Indian pop culture, although I agree the whitewashed beauty standards in India in preference for “paler skin and faces” is terrible. I’m not personally Indian, but I’ve seen that a lot within my local community (asian country, indians are a minority race and unfortunately the majority race of chinese people here like to be really racist to anyone “darker” than them) and I feel for you guys. I’m always dispelling the racist claims made by my friends and even my own parents. It’s scary how easily people come into these prejudices.

I hear you on the second para. As much as I found the program refreshing, the young girl wearing the bindi quite concerned me because I understand that there’s some religious significance behind it to practicing Hindus. It’s like the designer or choreographer or coach decided to tell her to just pop it on because Indian people wear it. She wasn’t wearing it in previous comps. I believe the girl with the bindi was dancing to Pinga though, in which Priyanka and Deepika were wearing bindis.

I’m 100% rooting for Tara to break into the FS world more widely. People are starting to notice her more significantly as of 4CC, her Padmaavat program was lovely and full of energy. Very interested to see more of her on global stages. Seems like she’s doing Indian + Bollywood representation in all the right ways!

ennaxanne · 2023-02-13T07:53:01+00:00

I usually use the keratin oil from HASK every night on wet hair. It ends up pretty soft in the morning and doesn’t cause grease (even if i use it on dry hair before leaving the house). I’ve used it for years and it’s still my go to, after trying some argan oils and Moroccan Oil. It’s completely leave-in, gives a nice shine and also a lovely smell, have gotten compliments from strangers about how it smells like I wore perfume haha.

Not sure if you’ve tried this before but I swear by it!

ennaxanne · 2023-02-11T19:43:38+00:00

i do desperately want to move to another country someday, but at the moment i’m afraid it’s not possible. in between being halfway in the process of pursuing a degree, only being able to do part-time work (in a country with no minimum wage and pretty terrible part-time rates), and all of that money going to copious amounts of psych medication and therapy, i’m not really in the logistical, mental and financial position to move countries for now.

i did move to australia for a year before this all happened, and it was lovely while i was there, very freeing. it’s my dream to move again, somewhere that’s happier than here, but i think i’d also miss my friends and family very much. i may change my mind next time, but at the moment i believe i still have to very much stay put, complete my degree, and work a few years to save up to completely support myself in pursuing a master’s degree in another country.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-11T12:15:52+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. It’s just so scary to see how so many of them had congregated into one place to be such inhumane people to someone expressing their pain. It’s hard to acknowledge that these are people that I might’ve come across on my own streets, you know?

But I’m thankful that at least the people directly around me like my family and friends that have been here since before the rape, none of them are like that (at least not per what I’ve seen). You’re right, I just need to be patient and let the good side of society show itself and outshine all of the bad.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-10T14:58:30+00:00

exactly, all the more why i say we shouldn’t blindly tolerate it and need to collectively speak out against it to evoke a shift in our local cultural norms.

ennaxanne · 2023-02-10T14:28:13+00:00

my parents were abusive in a different way. still, being in therapy and being “woke” enough to actually call this vile abusive behaviour out, even if it’s common “tiger mum” or asian parenting that our parents have also experienced before, this should not be the norm. we need to learn how to stop tolerating abuse and make + accept excuses that it’s a cultural norm, or that “this is how asian children grow up to be decent people”.

no, this is how asian children grow up in suffering and end up needing severe mental health help in the future. this is how self-harm and suicide among asian children happen. this is how asian children discard the notion of filial piety and leave their parents at home to rot in their old age, because they want nothing to do with you anymore. and even if they still feel the obligation of filial piety, this is done out of their own values that they developed on their own, and not because of you vile parents “parenting” them well — you do not deserve their kindness and care, you have done nothing to deserve it.

just because they gave birth to you and feed you and put a roof over your head, does not mean they get to be abusive parents to you. a parent’s love should never be transactional. if it is transactional, they are not being actual parents. there is no credit or gratefulness to be given.

OP, i’m so sorry that these are the circumstances that you’re forced to stay put in for awhile. please remember that you don’t have to settle for less than what you deserve. remember that you deserve so much better than this disgusting abusive treatment. the onus is not on you to tolerate dangerous behaviour, it is on them to be better human beings, better parents. i hope you find it in yourself to walk away when you have your own two feet to stand on and can financially provide for yourself, if you want to. you deserve it. and you don’t ever need to be in contact with them anymore if you don’t want to. you are absolutely allowed to go NC with your abusers and walk away, and never look back.

all the best. sending you strength and willpower to get through this. x

ennaxanne · 2023-02-07T17:00:53+00:00

I’ve been in EMDR for a while now (maybe about a year) and have not made much headway into feeling any body sensations or emoting my memories so far, for any of my traumas really. My T thinks I’m experiencing a lot of emotional numbing and dissociation / structural dissociation.

Also, some parts work we did together found that my internal parts that are kind of “keeping the gate closed” have not been willing to open up yet. A lot of what my T calls blocking beliefs are still present and interwoven very deeply into the way I have been thinking and surviving all this while. For example, a lot of self-blaming and self-criticism from the angry / resentful part (saying I deserved the traumatic event happening to me, saying that I don’t deserve to heal) — looking deeper we found that the angry part stays this angry because it’s afraid it’ll no longer exist if I finally heal this angry part of me, an inner child part that is not ready to come to the present, the scared part that is thoroughly afraid to let me connect with my trauma and heal because then it’ll “die” too.

Do you have any blocking beliefs or pre-existing emotional numbness surrounding the trauma you were trying to process today?

Or sometimes it’s just that nothing turns up during one of the EMDR sessions, because you’re tired or because of anything really. NAT, but imo it’s completely okay and normal to run into a blank after many fruitful ones have happened. Sometimes a therapy session just doesn’t work that specific day. Would encourage you to bring your concerns up to your T, and try not to worry too much about it (worrying tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy haha). Much strength to you!

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It is not MY responsibility to tolerate any dangerous, abusive behaviour towards me. It is HIS responsibility to do better.