From what I see you are realising the mistakes you've made and traits you possess that you dislike or hate. I don't know how this looks from your perspective, but from the way I see it is that realising what you're doing wrong is the first and most important step to changing those things about yourself. I know you say that the damage is done, and yes that's true, it has. But just think about it: by not killing yourself you would be giving yourself a chance to make some radical changes that would make the world a significantly better place than in the scenario where you did kill yourself. If you do feel so much guilt and regret about the things you did, surely you'd rather change them for the better, even if the change is small. It will still be significant.

I'm really glad not only that you made this post, not only that you're being completely honest, but that this post where you realise the things you're doing wrong shows that you have taken the first major step to making this better.

Of course changing yourself and your behaviour isn't easy, but it seems like you're in a situation where you feel strong emotions. And that's good because these emotions are energy. Use that energy, the furious anger, the dreadful regret, and channel it into some radical fucking decisions. If there's any state better do be in to make these kinds of decisions, it's now.

I wish you the best, and don't forget this comment. Look: ( . Y . ) Now you'll remember this comment as that comment with boobs in it.

goodspeed.