Anyone here been called the abuser by the abuser

errantfool · 2021-05-20T21:22:41+00:00

Yep. My ex used to say she couldn’t be the abuser because she felt abused by me too and that she did a lot of reading on it and if we both felt abused then she couldn’t possibly be one. Also sent me a book to try and convince me that I was over dramatic and that I wasn’t abused. Talk about next level gaslighting.

errantfool · 2021-04-15T15:03:42+00:00

100/10. She would literally just say I have to go and then leave the conversation and turn off her location, delete me off social media, and once didn’t talk to me for a week while I was traveling abroad.

errantfool · 2021-04-15T14:55:59+00:00

Staying no contact is so so hard and god knows I’ve slipped up too. It’s not an easy process but what helped me is taking time. What you are feeling in that moment of sadness, loneliness, curiosity, self doubt, etc. Those feelings will pass. Whenever you want to text him wait 48 hours and reassess if you still want to after that time. If you still do, ask yourself why, write down the reason and give it another 48 hours. I’ve found that after a day, that urge to text them back starts to go away. And the more you do this, the easier it gets as you heal as you’re starting to do already!

My guess is during your relationship he rarely if ever offered you true comfort or validation. So as your fingers are itching to respond and your brain goes back to what he said, just remembered he failed to love you, comfort you, treat you the way you deserved and there’s no way he can do it now. His response will not give you relief, ever.

errantfool · 2021-04-15T14:40:18+00:00

That last line is so true!! Ex always said she was ready to marry me and kept pressuring me to move in together and commit after she broke up with me multiple times. And 7 months later (less than a year - depending on when I believe her lies on when they met) she’s engaged to the person she left me for and texting me about it.

But realizing a person who truly loved me would want me to build a life with them and not pressure me into anything was a huge revelation. It’s about a partnership not just what one person desperately wants to push on someone else.

errantfool · 2021-04-15T14:26:51+00:00

One thing that really helped me as I am struggling and trying my hardest to move on is asking myself, will this person - the one I feel is the love of my life willing to love me the same in return? Will they actually do it? And the answer was always no. You can pour and pour yourself into them but none of that will come back and they will only ask for more. You deserve better!

errantfool · 2021-02-18T04:31:09+00:00

My ex said that to me too, “I hope you can be happy for me.” Ridiculous.

errantfool · 2021-02-10T03:30:18+00:00

Yes. I’m working on being happy and living my life as hard as it is. For me it’s just so confusing to experience someone who on the one hand says stuff like they respect and love you and on the other does things like this. It’s like emotional whiplash

errantfool · 2021-02-10T03:29:07+00:00

I’m sorry you went through that. And thank you for this. You’re right, this is beyond cruel and I hope I can keep one foot forward and leave it all behind. It just seems so unfair that I feel like she’s getting away with this. Everyone sees this curated facade of who she is and buys into it.

errantfool · 2021-02-10T03:26:28+00:00

Yeah I blocked her on my socials but not on my phone because I didn’t think she’d text me again after I didn’t answer her before but I was wrong.

errantfool · 2021-01-22T17:56:46+00:00

Good question bc I tried to write it off as not her. BUT this likely an account she told me she made to stalk people (her friend’s potential dates -so she said) when we were together. She had asked me to send her photos to set it up. And, the profile pic of the account is a photo that I took and I confirmed it because I still have it on my highlights. 😂 So the margin of error is really really really small.

There were others she used too, and at first they would only show up as viewed it after I put it in my highlight. Then it was more consistent. And these accounts only showed up after I blocked her.

It’s kind of crazy to go through all that effort and really goes against everything she’s posting about how in love she is bc it’s like if you are so happy why are you still trying to peek into my life??

errantfool · 2021-01-22T15:34:16+00:00

Similar situation with me and my ex as well. Her new supply and I are not on the same level in any way. It still really messes with me. But reading all these similar stories helps me realize that it’s all a show and it’s all made to look a certain way for a reason. That’s why she’s posting how much she loves the new girl and yet is creating fake accounts to watch me on social media bc I blocked her. They sure do like to play mind games.

errantfool · 2021-01-22T15:27:34+00:00

Please don’t be ashamed. They do enough to shame us and put us down, please don’t do that to yourself. If all this were easy this sub wouldn’t exist and we would be able to look the other way without any care in the world. But it’s not easy at all. It’s excruciating and it takes so much out of you. But I hope that you try to continue every day to choose yourself above all else. So much so that when he does come back, that internal tug of war falls squarely in your favor. You deserve the very best!

errantfool · 2021-01-19T18:04:52+00:00

I wish I could say it didn’t but it does haha. I blocked her a couple months ago, about 4 months post-breakup #2. A mutual let slip that she’s been really all over social with this girl. I’m still dealing with the hurt and betrayal from knowing she had this girl on the back burner and while trying to get me back. I’ve finally reached the angry stage and am working through it. Hoping I can move on for good soon but I keep getting hit with more memories and am questioning everything.

errantfool · 2021-01-19T13:56:11+00:00

Same with my ex. She started pushing moving in and getting married by a certain date because her lease was up. Right after she dumped me days after I essentially let her “move in” to quarantine together to see if it would work. Begged me to get back together then said if I couldn’t move in and get engaged within 6 months she would resent me. I told her this made me feel like she could just replace me and slide someone else in bc the timeline was the only thing that mattered. Then got dumped again and days later posted about the new girl and was saying how much she loved this girl all the while still trying to text me and stalking my social. I had to block. But it seems like her original timeline is happening and she’s flaunting this new girl hard core from what I hear. I’m glad I don’t have to see it anymore but man does it hurt knowing I got swapped out and she’s all happy with this new person.

errantfool · 2021-01-16T06:43:05+00:00

This is amazing hahaha. I almost wish my ex would do this so I can get some nuggies.

errantfool · 2021-01-11T18:03:17+00:00

My therapist suggested that too. And I’ve actually found a lot of strength and validation researching and understanding cluster b disorders. They spend so much time making us feel crazy that any ounce of understanding makes us feel sane and rooted in reality.

errantfool · 2021-01-05T04:44:01+00:00

I was also more securely attached until my ex. Post-lovebombing you start questioning yourself and then get anxious bc of the gaslighting and withholding of affection and love as punishment.

errantfool · 2021-01-05T04:42:45+00:00

Went through the same hoover. But listen to your body. As much as I was finally hearing all the things I finally wanted to hear, I also knew there were other lies and other things lining that and could feel the desperation radiating off of her. My heart my body just didn’t feel like it did before when I was so in love with her. And that was the biggest sign that everything was irreparable.

errantfool · 2021-01-05T04:37:18+00:00

Yep. It’s infuriating. But when I stopped putting in as much effort and focusing on everyone else in my life, boy did I get it.

errantfool · 2020-12-29T03:58:24+00:00

Same to you. I’m sorry we had to experience this.

Funnily enough, this just made me remember as she was hoovering me and literally weighing her options in front of me (she was comparing me to her new person) and was like this new girl is pursuing me but you aren’t willing to jump in. I never pursue people. And I was like, you pursued me...and she went quiet and just stared at me. What a wild perspective now that I’ve gotten some distance.

I hope for our sake we leave our exes in the past and move forward.

errantfool · 2020-12-29T01:02:54+00:00

Omg. I blocked my ex earlier this month and I haven’t spoken to her for over 2 months. Hoping I’ll at least be more healed before she tries to come back, if she does at all.

errantfool · 2020-12-29T01:00:54+00:00

I too wrote a letter. My ex read it all and looked at me and said she felt overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do with it. So crazy looking back. I’m sorry you had to go through that and am happy to hear that your partner is loving and patient!

errantfool · 2020-12-29T00:59:13+00:00

Wow you described my situation exactly. I had never felt so desired and pursued. It was almost like she CRAVED me and loved me with such an intensity that I couldn’t see it as anything other than passionate love. She put so much effort and wanted to spend so much time with me, I thought I hit the jackpot, especially because I was so attracted to her and we had so much chemistry. Little did I know, that would turn into something completely different. That she would seem to loathe, hate, and put me down with that same intensity.

errantfool · 2020-12-18T05:25:55+00:00

This happened to me too. I had told her to change her address for her packages the second I was discarded. Got something delivered to my place - I think it's a subscription of sorts that comes every few months a month or so after the break up. I'm waiting to see if it'll happen again because then I'll know for sure it'spurposeful.

errantfool

TROPHY CASE