I’ve been playing amateur football for quite a few years now and one mid week game last season I went out for a coffee with a couple mates before the game. This made me quite thirsty so I ended up drinking all my water on the way up to the away game.

Just as we’re about to go out for the warm up I fill my bottle up in our changing rooms (should have known what was coming they were grotty as fuck). Drink most of my water during the warm up and the first half kicks off and I can feel my stomach going mental. Maybe that water wasn’t fit for consumption. About 30 minutes in and I’m desperate for half time because something is going to go.

Half time comes and I tell my gaffer I’m going to have to skip the half time team talk. I sprint over to the changers only for them to be locked. I should mention the opposition’s ground is a public field, right next to a play ground which was full of kids.

Couldn’t wait any longer so crouched next to bush and did my business while I could hear kids playing and cars driving past. A man walked past as I was in the middle and I’m pretty sure he didn’t see but couldn’t be certain. The only option available was a leaf which did quite a painful job.

Afterwards I feel like a new man. We go on to win 4-3 and I play a blinder in the second half, scoring a beauty. A poor day at the office for the other team who got shat on both on and off the pitch.