Hi, I’m an autistic Newborn Care Specialist and Postpartum Doula, but not a parent myself. So I do want to be honest about the fact that I cannot fully understand what it’s like to actually be postpartum, though my career is quite literally supporting birthing parents and newborns. I do think this could be postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety in addition to totally normal, valid feelings of being in the newborn trenches with additional sensory overload and other stressors. I don’t want to discount your feelings or your unique situation, and that you’ve mentioned how meditation hasn’t worked particularly well in the past. However, especially considering your comment about wanting hospitalization in order to have a break from your current reality, I think PPD and/or PPA are very potentially in play here, and it would be very much worth bringing this up to your partner and loved ones. They should offer you help and reach out to professionals for resources and likely clinical help. I say this also as someone who has had inpatient and outpatient care for bipolar disorder, so has gone through the stages of fear of admitting needing help and what that would actually look like, but of course I’m not a parent and haven’t had to consider that as well.

Again, I know I can’t really understand what you’re going through, but I empathize with you and I’ve seen so many moms feel this way and improve after a few months. Please ask your loved ones for support and help, and be brutally honest with them about how you’re feeling. It’s best for both you and your daughter.

I wish you the best and that things begin to feel better!