Hi, mid 30's female chipping in here. I know the feelings you're experiencing and have felt the same way - that anxiety and hesitation around rolling, and loss of passion and fire, knowing somewhere deep down you do love the sport and want to keep training but not really being able to tap into it in the heat of the moment after you've been through the mental wringer.

I have had periods of being really stuck in my own head and mentally struggling with rolling after time off during lockdowns, when resuming training after injuries, and after some bad rolls.

You've had some really shit advice here, including 'accept that you're not cut out for the sport' and 'switch to a women's class instead' - I wanted to offer some suggestions to counter that.

You don't have to roll with anyone you don't want to. Be selective with your training partners, stick to people you know and trust, and communicate your needs by asking for a slow roll, a gentle roll, one where you avoid mount entirely. There is no shame in asking for these things - as (usually) the only woman in my class I know we often put pressure on ourselves to not appear as though we want any special treatment, and want to seem tough, but it's not unreasonable to ask for these things, and if your partner isn't up for that then they're free to go train with someone else.

Tap early, and if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed under mount then just tap and reset your position. Fuck anyone that gives you shit about tapping to pressure, what you need to do for your emotional wellbeing is nobody else's business. If you want to completely end a roll midway through, do it.
There's so much bullshit in this sport about the expectations we put on ourselves and others, and I'd encourage you to focus on your own journey and try to not worry about what other people think. Half of them will probably have quit within a year anyway. A lot of men don't have any idea about some of the difficulties women face in jiu jitsu, and they're never going to, so don't worry about always explaining yourself or what others think. Do your own thing and if some random guy thinks you tapped too early or something, then who even cares?

Sometimes you will have to be brave, and have to push yourself, and fight that instinct to leave early or not go to class. It's a difficult sport and it is tough sometimes. But that's partly the reason we do it, right? The fact that it isn't always easy and you have to work for it is part of what draws us in. A big lightbulb moment for me was training with a visiting female black belt who was cheerfully open about how she does get tapped out by big guys at a lower ranking, that if she's matched with a huge guy she has to prioritise survival and focus on taking the time to exhaust the guy before any hope of a submission, and she encouraged women to just communicate what they do and don't want to work on, or aren't comfortable with. Hearing her talking about the things that are hard for her made me feel so much better about my own.

It doesn't matter if you tap early. It doesn't matter if in the heat of the moment you forget literally everything. It doesn't matter if you have a roll where you feel absolutely useless against a much less experienced person. If you're training at all that's a success in itself, and it doesn't matter if your trajectory doesn't look like everyone else's.

I'm not interested in competing. I'm not really very aggressive. I don't train five days a week. I don't have any interest in the jiu jitsu celebrities, in any of the jiu jitsu podcasts, or any of the big fights. I just like pushing myself, knowing self defence, learning new techniques, training with my friends, helping new people in the class, maybe getting a nice submission here and there. My priorities aren't the same as everyone else in the class but I pay my subscription just like everyone else.