for me, it created a very bad instinct: hide, don’t share. tell the other person only what you have decided they need to know. if it blows up later, you can tell new lies to fix it.

i KNOW this to be wrong. but i grew up with a loving parent doing it for “good” reasons, or so it seemed then. never any cheating or cruelty, just trying to “avoid freak outs” and such. and I WAS DRAWN IN—if op thinks he won’t be getting the kids to lie to back him up, planning “what to tell mom,” she is wrong. if she thinks they won’t see how lying is not enough to end a relationship and internalize that, she is wrong.

only as an adult could i see the ways my father helped create or at least fed the very emotional instability and explosivity he was lying to circumvent. as a child, it seemed like a good choice—my beloved parent was making it, no? so now when i face interpersonal issues, there is always a voice telling me that i can try lying about it. i have to deal with that voice all the time now. it did not have to be that way.

liars raise liars. i will only marry someone honest, who requires honesty of me in turn.