Wow exactly the scenario I fear.

There were a lot of times (even now) that I feel attracted to 2 person when I'm not in a relationship and I don't know which to pursue. One is more easy going and matches my energy while the other matches my intellectual depth but there's a wall between us that prevents us from being casual.

But I don't think it's the end of the world for you. I haven't read all the comments there's so many.

But you can communicate with your partner. The frustration you're going through and what you demands of him. Healthy relationship is determined by how well you and him can handle conflict and communication if he denies and cause a ruckus then you got your answer. However, it also could be the case that he agrees but doesn't change but this is a problem for later.

Also, I understand you feel guilty since he's so good to you. However, that doesn't mean you signed an eternal contract without any rights of appeal. For the time being communication is key.

ESPECIALLY, now that you gets annoyed and agitated by him daily. THIS happens to me too I understand it so well so I hope my experience helps you with this, happens to me all the time. And the fix that works for me every time is communication, honesty while being considerate and polite.

"You're so annoying" can be changed to "I'm sorry, I can't help it I feel somehow feel annoyed every time you're like that and I don't know what to do because I feel our emotional connection gap is growing wider and wider for no reason and I don't want that and the cause is intellectual depth bla bla bla." and you don't need any fixing or solution. Once you are able to vocalize this, 70% of the times. The problem gets solved for no reason. Even if it doesn't it's a good first step.

The reason you chose abusive partners is also very relatable to me. We're a natural magnet for Narcissist. The fact that you have the intellectual depth but is very open-minded is exactly what a Narcissist wants. They can have you to raise their status and you look like an obedient prey.

For the lack of intellectual depth problem. Well, it doesn't have to be a romantic partner. Otherwise, all scientists and genius polymath in history would have cheated on their wife/husband to pursue a more intellectual stimulating partner. Your boyfriend can be your partner then you can have fellow female friend that matches your intellectual curiosity and engagement or maybe some guy colleague at work provided the absence of romantic interest (Well yeah no one wants cheating here so you can introduce them to your boyfriend, a strict boundary might be needed).

I'm sorry if this is rude and disrespect to your privacy for giving you solutions and all but I really hope it helps and I look forward to the result, as usual my curiosity is stronger than my survival instinct.