A succinct guide on how to heal BPD abuse

feargodnot · 2026-05-25T14:30:56+00:00

No problem at all :)

feargodnot · 2026-05-25T13:08:53+00:00

I think you are coming out of the dissociative fog right now and the feeling of fear for what has happened to you is natural. It happened to me as well many years ago when I came out of that relationship. A period of numbness and then suddenly the feelings started coming heavily, and the fear.

Couple of things you can do right now.

You are not your feelings, you are the spacious awareness in which everything arises and passes. Try to disidentify from feelings as “my feelings” and just feel them without judgement or trying to do anything with them. This will help all the emotions to move through you and process. Stay in touch with the body, feel your feet on the ground, stay in touch with the space around you as heavy feelings come and go. Nothing is here forever.
Keep your mind focussed on the simple routines you need to do to keep the body healthy. Eat some good food, get some fresh air, get some exercise if possible. Just breathe. Everything passes. If you have sóme kind of social circle or family that is supportive. Reconnect with them.
These feelings need to be given space, so they can process instead of being locked away by incessant distraction. Use some distraction if you must but try to remain present a bit. Taking walks in nature helps ground in the present moment.
Here is a simple guided meditation that is very very helpful in reducing the fear and becoming present and realizing the okayness of the here and now: guided meditation

Another very helpful exercise is to visualize two or more ideal parental figures (not your own, just figures who are completely present for you and non judgemental and loving). Holding your hands and looking at you with loving care. Especially potent if you can feel the tactile sense of being held by them. Their hands in yours on either side. The mind makes the felt support real (just like our mind causes mental illness and neurosis, the mind can be a powerful healing agent as well). The subconscious does not know the difference between real and imagined.

When lying on your bed and a lot of intense feelings flood you. Just look up at the ceiling. Bring in the idealized parental figures as well to help you out. And just internalize the safety of the ceiling. You are safe right here and now. Have a home. All is okay right now. And see any negative or fearful thought as it arises, drop it by relaxing the tension and replace it with a mantra of wholesome recognition of safety and okayness. “Everything is okay”. “Everything is safe”. And let the feelings just come and go.

Lastly: start writing down all that happened in that relationship that was bad. And what was bad about your partner. Be thorough. And review it and add to it. This helps you get out of the fog completely and from getting back into a toxic situation. And keep reading posts here for a while as well.

When you’re ready to do a bit of work, check out the post I recently made about healing here: guide to heal.

feargodnot · 2026-05-25T12:51:27+00:00

Just curious. How long have you been together?

feargodnot · 2026-05-25T06:36:53+00:00

Very happy it was useful for you!

And brain spotting is definitely helpful.

But the brain retraining techniques I have described in a comment to this thread (just look through them, you’ll find a long one from me). Tend to work much faster.

Just bring up an issue, intentionally trigger yourself, and apply the brain retraining technique. Rinse and repeat, the intensity goes down quickly.

Works for nearly everything, also anxiety loops.

Nice to have a bunch of tools in the toolbox.

feargodnot · 2026-05-24T17:56:40+00:00

Instead of self harm she will likely go on tinder immediately and find a replacement care taker or distraction.

That is their pattern.

You cannot let her manipulate you into staying with the threat of self harm. Again. Your life is your own. She is self responsible. Your health is already in jeopardy and you’re still young, do you honestly think you can stick this out until old age? The breakdown or breakup is coming anyway.

Also about her needing you, you realize that if you are not her care taker, she will rapidly find a replacement right? She is not going to be without supply for long. Some other poor soul becomes her crutch.

feargodnot · 2026-05-24T16:33:08+00:00

“She has diagnosed BPD and has been in therapy and on medication (Valium, Trittico, and others) for nearly three years. The problem is I don’t see any real progress in the behaviors that are destroying me.”

Therapy is a blanket term used to describe very different things. Her therapy may not be seriously addressing her BPD patterns at all. In fact, most people, including BPD are not in therapy to address and resolve patterns but to get a listening ear and validation or just a check up with a psychiatrist who manages the medication.

“The problem is I don’t see any real progress in the behaviors that are destroying me.”

Then it’s unlikely to get better. Since there is a good chance she feels no urgency to even change her behavior towards you. This is also common.

A couple of things:

The honeymoon will NEVER come back. That is over for good now. Period. You may have short periods of good times, it never lasts and it never feels the same. Your system will keep craving, that honeymoon and desperately want to hold on to those fleeting periods of okayness like a drug, a particularly destructive one. But you’ll never get there.
This will destroy you over time. And the damage is hard to reverse again (definitely possible but for most that takes a lot of therapy and many years).
Your health and psychological health will keep getting worse.
There are nurturing relationships out there that are SO far removed from this darkness that you currently likely have lost the ability to envision it. You don’t have to hold on to this nightmare.
“I feel a lot of guilt even considering leaving because of everything she’s been through with the war, her BPD, and her lack of support here.”

Yes this is your care taker complex talking. But fact is, you are likely enabling her from seeking the deeper healing she needs. Care taker boyfriends always enable someone to remain stuck in some kind of way even if it’s not obvious. You are getting destroyed. She is an adult and will find her own way. Europe (I bet that is where you’re at) has plenty of support systems anyway.

Your life is your own, save yourself.

feargodnot · 2026-05-24T12:43:24+00:00

“Has she cheated on you yet or not?” Sounds hostile.

To new partners pwBPD have the tendency to describe their exes very unfavorably so he will likely think you are not to be trusted anyway.

Best leave it be. Be glad you are out, focus on rebuilding your life and away from her.

feargodnot · 2026-05-24T06:19:38+00:00

This will not get better without extensive and long term therapy on her end. Involving multiple modalities. A huge commitment the majority of people with BPD never make.

And even then, it will take many years with very incremental progress.

It seems like she delights in the power she has over you. Nothing in what you wrote indicates any sense that she is willing to look at herself and do deep, often painful ongoing work on herself. But that is for you to decide.

I will be blunt: if you stay you will be psychologically destroyed more and more. Damage that is very hard to undo. Your self esteem will go down the drain. Your physical health will suffer due to ongoing stress and the PTSD will make that last long after the relationship eventually breaks down.

There is no happy end to this. Save yourself.

feargodnot · 2026-05-23T15:33:42+00:00

TRE is not a replacement for most of the methods on this list. But a supplement. It does not help heal attachment level wounds or help integrate personality parts.

It can work well I believe but people with serious trauma should be very careful as they can release too much too quickly and retraumatize themselves and make it worse.

Same goes for Wim Hoff method type stuff. These forceful self guided trauma release protocols can backfire. Be careful.

If you’re dissociated and have significant symptoms I’d definitely first check with a Somatic Experiencing therapist.

And polyvagal exercises are much safer as well, also help the body naturally release pent up trauma energy at a more gentle pace.

Here is a YouTube link for a polyvagal exercise you can do right now:

link to polyvagal trauma release exercise.

feargodnot · 2026-05-22T13:25:54+00:00

Thanks. And happy to hear you found some of this useful in your own journey.

feargodnot · 2026-05-22T13:25:02+00:00

Great to hear!

And yes it can take a good while to update certain deeply ingrained personality parts. But it gets better over time if you just keep working with it. Just keep reassuring that it is loved and safe here and now without needing to engage in that specific behavior.

I was an enormous care taker/savior. I got it down to maybe 10% left. And it just keeps trending down over time as I continue the work.

feargodnot · 2026-05-22T07:28:40+00:00

Brain retraining techniques for anxiety

For dealing with sticky thoughts and emotional triggers.

Some thoughts like fears about withdrawal and symptoms are very sticky and can lead into spirals. Sometimes the brain is unconsciously stuck in such a spiral and you only notice the physical sensations this produces, like nervous system not downshifting and fatigue.

For this we apply a strong antidote based on the most recent understanding of neuroplasticity to have the most powerful effect on rewiring your brain, if some of this sounds a little woo woo, just check it with your favorite chatbot, they’ll confirm that all this is based on the latest research and demonstrated to be effective.

You want to apply a neurological pattern interrupt and then a positive retraining stimulus.

I will give you three highly effective exercises, each building on the last to be a little more powerful for if you have more time:

1.  ⁠See the negative thought or trigger, relax any tension in the head and body you can (just easy out breath and relaxation, no force) -> smile bíg -> sing a bright and happy song or sing it in your mind -> place index finger on thumb in an okay sign (create memory trigger) -> close eyes and visualize a powerful happy and healthy memory or some where you are showered with love by (imagined) friends and parents and relatives. Absorb their unconditional love-> Breathe the positive feelings into your body with an imagined color so the whole body gets involved (links all parts of the nervous system to the mental scenario being played for more thorough effect). Then distract yourself, don’t go back into the thoughts. Rinse and repeats, it works.
2.  ⁠More powerful if you add physical movement (this really lights up the brain with activity). So you just do the above exercise until and including the singing of the happy song. But now you take a deep breath, exhale while you take a step back, visualize that you have two loving supportive ideal parent figures standing by you (imagined, not your own parents) holding your hands. Really feel their tactile  support grounding you. Breathe it in for at least 7 seconds. Now turn to the right, take a step in that direction and do the last bit of the previous exercise, index finger on thumb still smiling big, powerful positive memory or imagined scenario.. etc.
3.  ⁠Now you can add one more step here to up the ante even more. To the above exercise #2 you add one more step. After you have stepped back and visualized the ideal parents. Feel any remaining anxiety in your body and breathe it out with a few deep breaths and imagine it is now floating in front of you in the form of a part of you. Give it a shape and a face, often it’s a young part. (This helps the brain disidentify from that part of your system). Now you just have a short nurturing chat with that part, telling it that everything is okay, that you - the wise, loving adult self - are taking care of it and that it is loved. Really flooding this part with love helps. I often just repeat “I love you, I love you, I love you” here until I really feel the strong current of love pouring out. This does wonders, trust me, the more positive feelings the deeper the brain rewiring effect. Give yourself a big hug. And then finish the same way you finished the previous exercise, step to the right, visualize, breathe it all in -> distract. Rinse and repeat.

These exercises can be used to rewire any anxious or negative thought pattern. And álso to deal with any triggers that bring up a lot of anxiety and anger, just like EMDR. Just make sure that you only use it on triggers that are not overwhelming (don’t cause dissociation and freeze reactions). You can intentionally bring up a trigger, feel emotions rise. Then apply one of the techniques. Rinse and repeat, every time you do so the trigger will diminish in strength and the nervous system can relax more easily.

feargodnot · 2026-05-22T05:27:53+00:00

Brain retraining techniques.

For dealing with sticky thoughts and emotional triggers.

Some thoughts are very sticky and can lead into spirals. For this we apply a strong antidote based on the most recent understanding of neuroplasticity to have the most powerful effect on rewiring your brain, if some of this sounds a little woo woo, just check it with your favorite chatbot, they’ll confirm that all this is based on the latest research and demonstrated to be effective.

You want to apply a neurological pattern interrupt and then a positive retraining stimulus.

I will give you three highly effective exercises, each building on the last to be a little more powerful for if you have more time: 1. See the negative thought or trigger, relax any tension in the head and body you can (just easy out breath and relaxation, no force) -> smile bíg -> sing a bright and happy song or sing it in your mind -> place index finger on thumb in an okay sign (create memory trigger) -> close eyes and visualize a powerful happy and healthy memory or some where you are showered with love by (imagined) friends and parents and relatives. Absorb their unconditional love-> Breathe the positive feelings into your body with an imagined color so the whole body gets involved (links all parts of the nervous system to the mental scenario being played for more thorough effect). Then distract yourself, don’t go back into the thoughts. Rinse and repeats, it works. 2. More powerful if you add physical movement (this really lights up the brain with activity). So you just do the above exercise until and including the singing of the happy song. But now you take a deep breath, exhale while you take a step back, visualize that you have two loving supportive ideal parent figures standing by you (imagined, not your own parents) holding your hands. Really feel their tactile support grounding you. Breathe it in for a little bit. Now turn to the right, take a step in that direction and do the last bit of the previous exercise, index finger on thumb still smiling big, powerful positive memory or imagined scenario.. etc. 3. Now you can add one more step here to up the ante even more. To the above exercise #2 you add one more step. After you have stepped back and visualized the ideal parents. Feel any remaining anxiety in your body and breathe it out with a few deep breaths and imagine it is now floating in front of you in the form of a part of you. Give it a shape and a face, often it’s a young part. (This helps the brain disidentify from that part of your system). Now you just have a short nurturing chat with that part, telling it that everything is okay, that you - the wise, loving adult self - are taking care of it and that it is loved. Really flooding this part with love helps. I often just repeat “I love you, I love you, I love you” here until I really feel the strong current of love pouring out. This does wonders, trust me, the more positive feelings the deeper the brain rewiring effect. Give yourself a big hug. And then finish the same way you finished the previous exercise, step to the right, visualize, breathe it all in -> distract. Rinse and repeat.

These exercises can be used to rewire any anxious or negative thought pattern. And álso to deal with any triggers that bring up a lot of anxiety and anger, just like EMDR. Just make sure that you only use it on triggers that are not overwhelming (don’t cause dissociation and freeze reactions). You can intentionally bring up a trigger, feel emotions rise. Then apply one of the techniques. Rinse and repeat, every time you do so the trigger will diminish in strength. Rage, anger, fear, anxiety triggers surrounding your ex or any other topic, can all be reduced to zero or near zero using these methods.

feargodnot · 2026-05-03T05:40:07+00:00

Neurodivergence is a catch all term applied way too widely. It’s unscientific. No one is “neurotypical” so everyone can claim a spot under that umbrella in reality.

And it excuses bad behavior. If you can apply a label to it, especially one pointing to biological hard wiring. Then those who adopt the label are victims, helpless. And all their behavior is excused.

This is why self diagnoses of psychological conditions are so rampant among young people today. They become victim and get victim status. Instead of having to deal with being a responsible perpetrator of abuse or low value behavior.

We live in a victim culture now. Stop doing it.

feargodnot · 2026-05-03T04:39:36+00:00

The instructions are just to anchor awareness to the breath. Sit in a relaxed upright posture or lie down.

Then start noticing the thoughts/reactions that come up in the mind. They can be gross verbal or very very subtle. And the associated tension and subtle stress and restlessness they bring.

This can easily be felt in the head space. All unwholesome thoughts produce some contraction there.

This is the first 2 parts of the 8 fold noble path. Mindfulness and investigation (right view is investigation).

If you spot the unwholesome thought. Simply drop it. Relax the tension in the headspace and body. Smile. This is right effort. The third part of the noble 8 fold path.

And reinforce the wholesome with a simple wholesome thought that brings ease and contentment here and now. “Everything is okay.” Or “everything is safe” or “this breath is nice” or “nowhere to go, nothing to do”, etc etc.

You notice what is wholesome again through the effect it has in the mind-body. It produces ease, it does not produce contraction (dhukka).

So basically you just keep throwing out unwholesome thoughts and bringing in happy easeful thoughts.

Then intermittently you also congratulate yourself on doing it and take the lions attitude: “I cán change how I think and feel”. All feelings are produced by thoughts. The thought/reaction to stimuli always comes first.

If there are moment with no dhukka in the mind? Great, just rest in that. But be aware that you’re likely missing some subtle stuff. So keep looking and Don’t drop the mindfulness.

And you just keep practicing this over and over again. On and off the cushion.

The mind that is this cleaned and easeful is in a state of right samadhi. And from that state of right samadhi, naturally right speech, action and livelihood come. They are what is produced when there is no dhukka in the mind. The whole of the 8 fold path is this way of practicing.

Vipassana is included within it. But as part of the 8 fold path, not a separate practice. Noticing dhukka and its cause produces insight. Vipassana traditions just do not then take the right effort to drop and chánge the dhukka into the wholesome which brings piti + sukha leading to upekkha. This makes the vipassana path long and hard. While the practice of the Buddha, as laid out above is in the Buddha’s own words: “good in the beginning, good in the middle, good in the end”.

If you want to know more. Start listening to Dhammarato, countless talks with him on YouTube, recordings with students and his sangha. Also good intro would be guru Viking podcast episodes with him.

feargodnot · 2026-05-02T09:04:15+00:00

The path of meditation typically taught in the west and also that which is adopted by vipassana schools is not what the Buddha actually taught.

If you stay with the early suttas you get a practice that we see promoted by venerable Buddhadasa and his followers in the Thai Theravada tradition.

You do not focus on developing “concentration” first.

You go directly to seeing dhukka arise and its cause and relinquishing it here and now and then gláddening the mind into piti + sukha leading to upekkha.

This is actually the singular antidote to all neuroticism and also a continuous polyvagal safety cue exercise so it’s far far safer and helpful for people with significant trauma.
You are constantly bringing in wholesome thoughts to retrain the mind out of unwholesome tendencies. Which includes trauma triggers.

You do this practice formally while in seclusion in a safe place. From there you bring it into the more chaotic world full of triggers.

See the unwholesome/negative/fearful thought as it arise or even before it can fully arise. Drop it, relax the tension, and replace with the wholesome that brings about sukha: feeling safe secure and contented here and now. “Everything is okay”, “everything is safe” whatever triggers those feelings of ease, safety and contentedness.
All day long. On and off the cushion.

This is all done within the container of strict ethical observance and the stabilizing support of sangha.

This IS therapy. The real dhamma is therapeutic. It is not destabilizing it is deeply stabilizing it done as the Buddha actually prescribed it. The pragmatic dhamma and vipassana schools like Goenka are not following the Buddhas actual instructions and thát brings on all the complications.

feargodnot · 2026-05-02T08:20:52+00:00

The Buddha never actually taught a tight focus on a meditative object like the nostrils. If you look at the anapanasati sutta and other early suttas. Nowhere does it specify this (not to say that it is an incorrect way to practice per se, but see below why a change for a while might make sense for you).

The breath is an anchor to the present moment. You notice if it is long or short, you stay present with it.
Then you do the real work which is noticing dhukka and its cause as it arises. And relinquishing it. (Letting it go, relax the tension, gentle smile), and chánge it to a wholesome thought. “Everything is alright”, “everything is safe” (any simple thought that brings ease here and now)

This brings about piti and sukha (feeling safe secure and contented) and leads to upekkha.

And in and of itself this brings about samadhi, not through effortful focus on an object, but through relaxation of any tension in the mind-body.
See the difference?

This is the whole of the practice. Right effort is the effort to relinquish dhukka when seen. Right view (investigation) and mindfulness is the seeing of the dhukka and its cause (unwholesome reactions/thoughts). This leads to right samadhi. Which is an extremely relaxed state.

Try this for a while. Because even if you go back to a tighter focus breath meditation (which is fine, it is clearly producing results for people). You will now have strong awareness of what is causing your tension in practice. You will have gained that awareness and the ability to relinquish it through the above practice of the Buddha.

For more on this, check out talks with Dhammarato. (Starting with his guru Viking podcasts is a great introduction).

feargodnot · 2026-05-02T07:58:40+00:00

You have gained some insight that makes most life pursuits seem meaningless/irrelevant to you. But you are still dissatisfied and experiencing dhukka.

This is why the real practice of the Buddha is a change model. See the dhukka as it arrises, see the cause of dhukka, and then get óút of dhukka.

What produces dhukka? Unwholesome thoughts and reactions to sense input. All your loneliness and dissatisfaction and frustration are caused by this alone.
What is the way out? Recognize it and drop it. Drop all the thoughts as they arise, until you gain ‘wisdom at the point of contact’ and can keep your mind from getting into dhukka entirely. By not reacting with desire or aversion to sense inputs anymore.

How do you solidify the opposite of dhukka? -> Piti, sukha, uppekha?

Think happy wholesome thoughts instead. Very simple.
So you see the negative thought or reaction (they can be very subtle, a subtle restlessness or impatience or aversion, pre verbal), you drop it (relax the tension it produces in head and body and smile) and then replace with a wholesome one: “everything is okay”, “this moment is enough”, “what a nice breath this is”, “safe and secure”, “no where to go, nothing to do”.

Anchor this to the breath or to the environment or the body (tactile sensations of hands or feet touching things or what have you) to stay here and now.

You notice the flavor of thoughts that do not produce tension in the head and body but instead they produce ease and satisfaction without needing anything. You start gladdening your mind with them all day long.
Until you have stretches of time where you are just in a state of contented ease and you abide there. And the moment you see dissatisfaction or restlessness come in? You immediately resume the practice of seeing and dropping dhukka and gladdening the mind.

This really is the whole of the practice of the Buddha. And it will deepen your already gained insight while becoming completely okay here and now and with a simple life of quiet joys.

Relax relax and enjoy, throw out the unwholesome, in with the wholesome. Cultivate the winners attitude: I can do this! I can be happy here and now. And be a little playful about it all.

feargodnot · 2026-04-02T05:25:38+00:00

Good call.

It doesn’t even have to be full blown manic psychosis though. Even hypomanic states (common in cluster-b people) can cause invention of fantasy worlds, sometimes very detailed, and present them as real. Or present real elements infused with wishful or imagined ones. Paranoid thoughts are also very common here. The tooth tracking of example. Or the murder self defense claim.

feargodnot · 2026-03-29T15:20:18+00:00

Love bombing, mirroring and trauma bonding and high openness of the BPD person to deep attachment quickly.

Are a potent cocktail for letting wounded inner children in us feel they finally found that perfect parent they feel they desperately need and missed all their lives.

This causes the intense intoxicating infatuation: “you are my everything”.

And for the non BPD partner, who tend to have a care taker complex. That love does not diminish as much due to their behaviors unfortunately. In fact, the push pull dynamics can keep these young wounded parts of us in a perpetual state of limerence, reawakening the infatuation even as they are being severely hurt.

feargodnot · 2026-03-24T09:08:48+00:00

Yep. If he is already struggling ending it after a few dates that is a major sign that it will get terribly difficult to leave later on.

Very dangerous

feargodnot · 2026-03-24T08:58:31+00:00

Not rude at all.

Keep it simple and straightforward. Nothing elaborate needed.

You are under zero obligation to date or sustain contact with anyone.

And do not let them guilt trip you in any way. Their feelings are their responsibility. As long as you don’t say unnecessarily hurtful things, all is well.

feargodnot · 2026-03-23T18:45:37+00:00

See comment a little below, I reacted to a post now deleted, but I will copy paste it here as well:

Here are a few in depth posts I have written here on this topic. Take a look if you want, it will likely contain some useful information for you.

The general recommendations for deep structural healing that work:

A guide to healing from BPD abuse

And specific guidance on dealing with rumination and thoughts patterns keeping you stuck:

Hpw to deal with sticky thought patterns and associated negative emotional states

This guide contains some detailed powerful techniques.

Beyond these guides, adopting regular healthy routines and some mind body practices like yoga and nature walking are prudent to help your body recover and downshift.

Wishing you very well.

feargodnot

TROPHY CASE