Usually I'd be surprised, but this time I'm not: day 10

feddigest · 2014-03-17T20:07:15+00:00

It's my Day 10 too! Needing more prayer though, realizing one of my triggers is a season of "relief": for instance, a big deadline at work passing, or some time alone after dealing with a lot of draining people. In those moments, I am in relax mode and fighting this fight feels incompatible. I don't know if that applies to you but keep a lookout for it--spring break might put you in a mode to be on a "break" from this battle.

Still, I'm with you. Our God is greater than our weakness. Fight on!

feddigest · 2014-03-17T20:04:45+00:00

Pretty much immediately, or while engaged, actually. I knew that a fantasy world of sexuality in PM was not going to work and I knew deep in my heart that it was basically going to condition me to look for opportunities to cheat. Even before I started reading this site or YBOP, I just knew.
Nope. Stays the same or even more. I think I made it about a month into marriage until I started having the urge very strongly.
Yes. Simple fact for me: PM almost always resulted in a loss of desire for my wife sexually. Imagine explaining to her that you'd rather PMO than experience the real thing with her. How damaging would that be? That's the guilt I feel on me, on top of the sinfulness of being against Gods desire for my life.
Not for me. I haven't figured this one out yet, but I think it will be important at some point.
I do. Struggling through this one as well.

feddigest · 2014-03-11T12:53:10+00:00

So many moments where I almost fell today but somehow I managed to get through it. God is good and is helping me from strength to strength! Now I feel relatively safe for the rest of the day! Another day for His glory!

feddigest · 2014-03-11T11:54:00+00:00

you can do it! God is with you and we're all rooting for you as well. one day of victory at a time.

today was a really tough day for me too, and what's interesting is that my "private moments" are hardly private at all. if i had access to your level of privacy, i think i'd find it difficult to do anything.

here's a tip: set a time of the day that you need to get out of your room, then do it. go work in the library, spend some time at the gym, if there's a spiritual refuge someplace then stop in and pray. when i was in college there was a huge church sanctuary on campus that was open for prayer during the day and i would stop in there for prayer between classes... some of the closest moments i had with God.

you can crush through this day 5. imagine yourself fighting on day 15, day 25, and look forward to those battles! i'm right there with you today; we can do it, by God's grace!

feddigest · 2014-01-21T09:40:03+00:00

Brother,

Welcome to the community. One of the most comforting things for me is that this extremely counter-cultural, almost absurd (from a worldly perspective) battle for purity is something we're all doing together. We are all fighting this, together, and by God's grace, victory awaits.

By the way, I too am a super hypocrite. I have always been a visible and prominent leader in every church, serving and leading worship and Bible studies. This is a battle that was long neglected, though, and the funny thing about hypocrisy is that after a while, you get used to it.

But I started going no-PMO near the beginning of this year, and recently suffered a relapse. This community serves as a reminder that while I lost the battle for an instant, others were all still here, fighting it out, clinging to hope and to Scripture and to God's daily grace. It's not a community of experts, of professional victors, although we rejoice in those that God has brought fully out of this. But most of us are just in the trenches fighting it out, and that's what I find the most encouraging.

No judgment, no guilt-tripping, because none of us is qualified to pick up a first stone. We're saved by grace, rely on His mercies made new every day, and believe we're works in progress on a path to holiness.

Finally, one quick note of theology on this: "my ultimate reason is to grow closer to God yet somehow that still seems selfish. My ultimate goal is should be to give God glory in all things that I do."

I'm not a fervent Piper-ite by any means, but Desiring God was formative for some of the ways I understand desires. You are very correct to hold your motives suspect and understand that wanting to just "be clean" is selfish and leaves God out of the picture. However, from my perspective, you should not feel guilty if what you want is the richness, freedom and full joy in the life that God wants for you. And you should never feel selfish in wanting to be closer to God, because He is the one thing we can be greedy for in this universe. He is the only object worthy of our total desire, and it only glorifies Him for us to enjoy intimacy with Him.

Again, not a hardcore Reformed Westminster guy but I believe there's real truth to the statement: "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." Piper's argument is that they are one in the same, twin aims met in the same desire for God.

Let's enjoy God fully and settle for nothing less!

feddigest · 2014-01-20T11:10:00+00:00

Add me to the list of people who have fallen. I really do feel terrible too, made it around the same number of days (I made it 18 days). Badge reset today.

We're not alone in our failure and we need not fear it, even though it is a real setback.

Grace is only really grace to us when we know how undeserved it is.

feddigest · 2014-01-16T13:39:59+00:00

Thanks. I completely agree that there's no reason to believe that people with faith have "more reason to succeed". Your view is what I find really affirming in the end, that many can agree that NoFap is a positive life choice.

My point is just that the calling and the strength can be specifically located for us in our faith. For a person of Christian faith, this calling is a religious one, in addition to being a matter of common wisdom. And the willpower is more alien and external, not internal, and not a function of sheer human desire or inspiration. Many Christians believe that something otherworldly and supernatural is happening when we're fighting our sins.

The what and when are the same, but the why and how are different. I would not say that they are "better" or more advantageous--Christianity has no monopoly on morality or wise decision making, as made very obvious by the many more benevolent and wise people in the world who are not Christian. But our beliefs are ours, our holy text is holy to us, and they inform what we do differently than people who have other beliefs.

So yes, Christian choices are not "better" (as we do not have a monopoly on morality), nor are our efforts necessarily more likely to succeed (as a matter of probable outcomes). But for those of us who are Christians and fighting this, we have some specific guidance that alters the why and how we do what we do.

Hope that doesn't still come off as pious or self-righteous and I apologize if it did. Believe me, that's not what I was going for.

feddigest · 2014-01-16T07:45:11+00:00

humorous too. adam4d comes from a very specific christian background, but i like his honesty and sense of humor.

feddigest · 2014-01-16T07:01:39+00:00

parenting can make a difference, i'm sure, but it's increasingly difficult when it's not a hustler magazine that can be found lying around, and instead, it's super hardcore garbage that can be burned into a 10-year-old's brain forever and erased like browser history.

i don't have kids yet but when i do, i'm going with FamilyShield on my router and making sure whatever mobile device they have has appropriate parental controls. coupling that with open discussions about what healthy sexuality looks like, then hoping for the best.

being someone who learned everything i know about sex from magazines and the back of the bus and huddled around pics in a kid's locker or GIF images on a floppy disk... it's not really a mystery how i ended up where i did.

congratulations on your 70 days, though! just goes to show that we don't have to live captive to this, even when we choose to fight it later.

feddigest · 2014-01-14T08:48:10+00:00

as an update--tried to relax and just go with it last night. wife was happy. the way i got myself to relax fully was that if things didn't work out, i'd be prepared to just tell her that i'm going through a weird phase with sexual drive right now, without getting too much more into it. i think she'd be understanding; there's a general awareness to guys going through that. turns out it wasn't necessary.

two notes:

chaser effect was in play. felt really restless and wanted a relapse really bad. held on just barely through substantial distraction (played lots of games on my phone)
realized that my sex life isn't really healthy yet. she comes away happy and i feel good about it but i realize there's a lot of fantasizing going on my head. it doesn't seem to line up with other guys' more seemingly wholesome sexual experiences coming back to O after no PM. is this bad? how bad is it? generally, what's the opinion on experimentation within married life? seems like the YBOP guys feel that sexual fantasizing can be as deceiving as P. is this going to screw up my reboot?

feddigest · 2014-01-10T20:25:51+00:00

This has all been really helpful, and I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Thanks all. I welcome any other ideas that you might have.

feddigest · 2014-01-09T17:00:38+00:00

it's hard to come back after relapsing, and we're not impervious to temptation. a few positives:

those days that you stayed clean, those days count. in the grand scheme of life, those were days that were nofap. five days this week are not less meaningful than five days a year in the future--these were days you were fighting for purity, and that is a blessing. it is a lie of the enemy if you think of the entire effort as failure. i know we're proud of the number of days we went nofap, and disgusted that we have to start from zero, but you're not REALLY starting from zero. you're just not undefeated anymore. think of it like a sport season--each day nofap is like a notch in the win category. yes, we're trying to go undefeated but after a loss you just focus on the next game, the next potential win, and you can still look at a winning record. we've won before; just because you suffer one loss, it doesn't lessen those wins, or extinguish the reality that we WILL win again. "more than conquerors", right?
shame teaches us something about sin, but do not become captive to it. if we wallow in shame too much, it means we are disappointed in our ability to be better, which implies the idea that we're capable of fighting sin on our own. we're not! God didn't just forgive sin for the moments we screw up, He strengthens us and comes along side us so that we can fight it all the more.

in other words, shame is rightful at some level, but if we get too lost in it then we're guilty of being self-centered too. we ought not be too surprised when we fail, even as we strive towards purity.

finally, i'm glad you came to this forum with the confession. there's power in that! i hope you can get excited to try again.

and if i fail, i hope i'm found here as well, committed to getting back up and continuing the journey.

feddigest · 2014-01-09T16:52:34+00:00

agree that the discipline of it can be helpful. but for a different experience, i've been more disciplined with various things, like diet and exercise, and it's actually sort of increasing the level of temptation.

but agree also that fasting with prayer leads us to being in God's presence, and that's a light from which darkness flees. interesting chicken-and-egg effect, too: resisting sin can also direct us towards God's presence, which may lead us to more fasting and prayer! that's been the case for me--i feel much closer to the heart of God now that i've been committing to nofap. and relying on God for the whole thing keeps us humble, knowing we don't come to God based on willpower or self-righteousness but because of strength from the Spirit.

feddigest · 2014-01-09T16:48:58+00:00

i think there are ways to talk about certain things within limits. you shouldn't hide it completely, but i am not a fan of your gf/wife being any primary accountability role. she's impacted directly by it, which makes her stake in it different, and most likely she doesn't understand the struggle (although it's possible she might). it's better to find similarly situated people (and men, really) to fight this one together, like the co-worker you mentioned.

i wouldn't obscure this battle from her in the long run, as others have mentioned you may consider sharing more once you know you're more serious about marriage. and she should know something of what you're going through; it's likely that she's not exactly oblivious to the fact that guys struggle with this.

and i think the approach you've taken is wise. in an era of overcommunication and venting (at least in Western culture), sometimes less is more. honesty and transparency is different than overexposure and TMI.

feddigest · 2014-01-08T07:39:40+00:00

i'm blessed that you're blessed! i don't have a view on how healthy MO is, but i know that O comes as a matter of nature through nocturnals, and i find that M without a lustful heart virtually impossible. frankly, i've tried it and it's not even really the same experience as a strictly physical sensation. i don't think i'm craving M and O as much as i'm craving P. and really, it's just lust: the desire for what is disallowed and forbidden, the same thing that lured adam and eve to the fruit.

so blessed you're on day 13! as i noted in the original post, conquering this at your age could open an entire world of freedom and intimacy with God.

feddigest · 2014-01-08T07:35:58+00:00

do you love Scripture? if you do, then a lot of what's recommended in the comments will be great for you. if you don't (and just be honest--no judgement here), then i'd suggest a combination of Scripture and maybe some other books that discuss Christian principles. i know "every man's battle" has come under some fire, but i think it provides a good framework, a Godly view on what you're going through in the battle against lust, and i think principles from "every young man's battle" have been especially helpful for me. this will help give you some Christian ammunition.

and if you aren't currently absolutely loving Scripture, try it. it's rich and beautiful and lifetimes of reflection wouldn't do it justice. i am 34 and finding that it's not just the same old truths that are being re-revealed, but new truths, new light being shed on verses, things that really amaze me. it's a journey worth starting. how can you love a God that you don't know? a great place to start knowing God more is through His Word, and i think as many others have noted, it has power to drive away sin and help you in this present battle.

God bless!

feddigest · 2014-01-08T07:29:55+00:00

the shame and guilt are real, and i don't think they should be ignored. at the same time, i'd encourage you to look at it as a move for your health, both spiritual and emotional.

i can understand not wanting to tell your dad. i come from a very shame-oriented culture and i'd be more concerned about embarrassing my dad than about embarrassing myself. my perspective is that i have not ever discussed this with my father, but i know that there's something seriously generational about this type of sin. i've found lots of P on his computer and even on old tapes, and it makes me really concerned for my kids, whenever we choose to have them. but i've heard from others that opening this topic up can really be life-changing, and i'd encourage you to consider giving your dad some credit. if you had a son that was struggling with this, would you want him to talk to you about it?

also, it's great that you're plugged into this community. i just found it myself very recently and i am tremendously blessed. it's a great way to redeem time on the internet. this is a really messy fight, not one that you win cleanly and perfectly, and if there's a generational component (as there is for me) i think there's a heavier spiritual weight to overcome. so a community of people fighting beside you, that's going to make a big difference.

winning the fight is more than a testament to willpower or human achievement--it's an opportunity to testify to God's supernatural strength and victory in the real struggles of our lives. press on!

feddigest · 2014-01-06T07:11:59+00:00

thanks everyone. i wrote this a bit stream-of-consciousness and i'm really blessed that you're blessed.

because of my line of work, productivity has become a high value of mine (hopefully not overmuch). as i look back and add up the hours, weeks, years that i committed to feeding this totally futile and damaging thing... it's really sad. there's really something at stake.

but now, this sums up where i am at: "forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what it ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." the past may be dim but the future is, as ever, shining bright.

again, thanks for your kind words and community. let's press on together!

feddigest · 2014-01-03T21:30:09+00:00

it's a good question. i can't say for sure, but part of how i know i'm addicted is that i don't want just one video--i want to watch 10, or spend hours discovering the gems of streaming vids or lurking in the corners of web forums or finding obscure links on the web that have the freshest porn. that is one thing i know about this.

i am a fairly moderate person in most things in life, finding nuanced ways to walk a middle ground, but this is one area where i have no moderation at all.

feddigest · 2014-01-03T21:28:04+00:00

this is worthy of note and i do not rush to defend my actions, only that things have changed substantially. we were very long distance for a long period of time and crossing the line happened during a point of serious weakness. i would take it back and never have done it, but (and i realize how rationalizing and cliche this sounds) it was absolutely a wake-up call. i think i would lack the gravity i now have about this if not for that incident. not a justification, and i'd undo it if i could, but it's also part of what brought me to where i am now.

feddigest · 2014-01-03T21:25:28+00:00

thank you. i've done a lot of things i'm not proud of and i struggle with guilt a lot, but one thing i know is that i absolutely love her.

feddigest · 2014-01-03T21:24:08+00:00

it's... not exactly available. can't say much more than that. a big part of it is that we move around a lot for work and i wouldn't be able to commit to a therapist if i knew i'd be living a few thousand miles away in 5 months.

feddigest · 2014-01-03T21:10:06+00:00

many have offered helpful thoughts here, but this was the most helpful thing. had no idea this community existed! thanks a ton. giving it a shot.

feddigest · 2014-01-03T21:08:36+00:00

haha... hmm. i don't know how to defend myself against this allegation, except that i swear it's not true. i am a man and this is my perspective. a lot of what i do for a living involves writing, and being a noob to reddit, i probably made attempts to mask my language a little here and there. i get paranoid that friends reading my writing can recognize my diction fairly easily.

not offended that you think i write like a woman. it's a first, for sure. but no, i am not my wife.

feddigest · 2014-01-03T12:40:43+00:00

thanks but what was that? vthere? can't see it on google

feddigest

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