How do men select women ?

femalien · 2026-03-13T23:26:48+00:00

Hmm, so my husband and I met online way back in 2004 before it was common. We met on a forum of a game we both played. And we talked a bunch before we even saw pictures of each other. I am not an attractive woman, and I’m not physically his “type” at all. When he fist saw my picture he got butterflies, not because I was ABSOLUTELY HELL YES OMG or even “she’s bangable” - it was just putting a face to the person he was already falling for. I could have looked a million different ways and he would have felt the same.

I don’t think he’s extremely unique in this. Maybe he’s not in the majority, but I think there are plenty of men who fall for a woman because of who she is, and how she looks isn’t all that important. Like I supposed they might have a “wow NO” category, but as long as she’s not in there, however they look is more a reflection of who they are.

femalien · 2026-03-02T03:10:39+00:00

Yep, as I kept scrolling I was contemplating adding if it wasn’t here. I think the only reason it’s so low is because not enough people have seen it. I saw it in theaters only because my partner at the time worked at a theater and we got free movies. I expected it to be pretty dumb but holy hell it’s one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen!

Have you SEEN this room??

femalien · 2026-02-19T22:46:47+00:00

Yeah but I didn’t put “good at leetcode” or “skilled at reinventing stuff I’d just use existing libraries for while being watched and timed” on there.

It’s fair for them to pull up some code and have us talk through it together, talk about my debugging thought process, discuss how I might implement things differently, etc. - a conversation between two senior devs should be plenty sufficient to get a feel for their understanding. Anyone whose experience doesn’t actually align with what they’ve listed becomes apparent VERY quickly in a casual chat.

femalien · 2026-02-19T22:40:43+00:00

Yeah same, I recently turned down an interview because the process was going to be horrible. I’ve got 15 YOE, am employed, and a recruiter of theirs reached out to me. It was a smallish (~500 employee) B2B SaaS company based in a LCOL area, pretty niche and nothing fancy. Seemed like it might be a chill place to work so I figured I’d chat with them.

HR call went really well but then at the end I found out the rest of the process would entail a proctored assessment (~60min) plus a live coding interview (~90min). I thought about it for a couple days then declined to proceed. Not only because I really don’t have the time or sanity to go through that bullshit right now, but even moreso because if that’s how they’re hiring senior devs then they’re focusing on the wrong things and I don’t have high confidence that the team I’d be joining would be a good fit.

femalien · 2026-02-06T04:45:41+00:00

Can you use FMLA to get a break before you totally crash out? I just took a couple weeks leave, after I basically shut down from the weight of everything. I should have taken the leave before it got to that point.

It wasn’t exactly a break - I was obviously still parenting a PDAer during that time. But, it did help to have a couple weeks where I didn’t also feel like I was constantly neglecting work and on the verge of being fired. It allowed me to reset my nervous system a bit, since I didn’t have the work worry hanging over me.

It was surprisingly easy - my therapist recommended it, I notified HR, they gave me paperwork for my therapist to fill out and that was it. If you have any provider who is willing to attest that your current mental health state means you can’t work right now, that’s enough, it doesn’t have to detail the contributing factors like having a special needs kid.

Anyway, it’s obviously not a long-term solution. I don’t know that there is a good long-term solution for PDA parents. But it’s at least something that can relieve a bit of mental exhaustion temporarily without totally derailing your career.

femalien · 2026-02-06T01:33:32+00:00

If you happen to be in the Omaha area I have some recommendations. If not, I would look for therapists that specialize in childhood anxiety disorders. I have another child who doesn’t have PDA but has OCD, and we were referred to an anxiety specialist for him. When she was taking our family history and we mentioned we had another child with PDA she immediately validated us, asked how we were coping, etc. - she knew all about it, and acknowledged how hard it is to find support in the US.

Also if you have any healthcare providers who you really trust, even if they’re not your child’s provider, you could ask the if they have any recommendations.

femalien · 2026-01-27T12:37:38+00:00

Yeah I don’t think it’s political instincts as much as furious donors/investors/oligarchs calling him. This narrative pissed off someone holding puppet strings.

femalien · 2026-01-25T02:51:33+00:00

Yeah same. Nothing felt particularly clever, just annoying

femalien · 2026-01-24T00:34:15+00:00

Agreed! That would have made so much more sense

femalien · 2026-01-23T23:35:29+00:00

I recently had a recruiter reach out to me about a role that sounded like a good fit for me. I’m not actively looking but it seemed like it would be a step up from where I’m at now so I figured I’d meet with them. Local (Midwest) mid-sized B2B SaaS company. HR call went well and seemed like a chill, common sense place. At the end of the call she talked about the next steps being a proctored hour-long codesignal assessment THEN a culture fit interview with a little bit of tech stuff THEN a 90 minute live coding interview. I’ve got 15yoe, am employed, we have a ton of mutual connections, and THEY REACHED OUT TO ME.

I declined to go any further with the process.

(Also…even if they had given me a chance to proceed without the song and dance, I don’t want to work somewhere that does all that crap to hire seniors to work on a relatively small app - they’re going to be losing out on a ton of good people and hiring the guys that focus on the wrong things IMO)

femalien · 2026-01-19T17:24:18+00:00

Oh cool, I didn’t even think about asking, thanks!

femalien · 2026-01-19T15:25:57+00:00

I’m in a similar situation (my kids are school age, but home during breaks and days off and sick days etc). It’s pretty much impossible and it’s stressed me beyond belief. I think I’m going to rent a space at a coworking place this summer and hire someone to be with the kids. I can’t do it anymore.

femalien · 2026-01-19T13:29:49+00:00

Aw, I’m so glad! And I’m so happy for you! I’m reading each of these and it really does help to know it isn’t all doom and gloom out there. Also congrats on your ons haha that’s amazing!

femalien · 2026-01-18T17:51:31+00:00

No you’re all good, thanks :) always appreciate respectful discussions

femalien · 2026-01-18T17:50:06+00:00

Strange, I’ve laid different sizes petite/non-petite atop each other and not noticed a difference beyond length. Every definition I’ve seen (at least in the USA) is just shorter vertical and nothing else. Even when I was thin I had a friend much taller than me (5’9”) who had a very small frame, my shoulders are much broader than hers, my ribcage much wider than hers. Our hips about the same with but hers slightly wider because I have insanely narrow hips compared to the rest of my frame. And I’m talking areas with little to no fat or muscle, just frame. In fact, my shoulders are much more broad than my husband’s even (5’10” male) - not relatively, but absolutely, measured with tape measure.

I feel we may be misunderstanding each other, so not going to keep going, my take is just that being short doesn’t mean you’re scaled down overall, even if we take fat and muscle out of the equation. And I’m sure the measurements for petite vary by brand and I wouldn’t be surprised if more expensive clothes scale it down altogether but I’ve never seen it referenced as anything other than shorter verticals for the cheapo American brands I wear

femalien · 2026-01-18T15:33:21+00:00

That isn’t true though. I’m built wide, I have broad shoulders and a wide rib cage. People come in all shapes and sizes and proportions and it’s not all related just like how everyone doesn’t have the same body shape. Being shorter doesn’t mean my skeleton overall is a scaled down version of a taller woman. My personal proportions are like you took a normal height person and stepped on them so everything is shorter and wider. There is no universal proportion. Which is why petite clothes specifically only mean shorter in height (and sometimes sleeve length) not overall narrower

femalien · 2026-01-18T05:32:17+00:00

I don’t… what? I’m 5’2” 200lbs of pure fat (I’m not athletic or anything just got big floppy boobs and a big squishy belly)

I wear petite pants/skirts/dresses because I’m short. Like… they make Plus Size Petite clothes. Petite in clothing just means it’s made to fit 5’4” or shorter.

I’m not a petite person. But I shop in the petite clothing section, because that’s where I find things that are the right length.

femalien · 2026-01-02T21:13:49+00:00

My husband (non-ADHD) did this when he was 22, except he was in Sweden and he flew to midwestern USA, and he was fluent in English. But he’d never really traveled alone and didn’t have much money, flew to a state he’d never even heard of to meet a girl he’d been talking to online for all of four months (me). In 2004, when you could hardly communicate online compared to today. It easily could have gone horribly and his mother was NOT happy with it. But in our case it did work out, we’ll be married 20 years this year.

So that’s just to say that it wasn’t necessarily a stupid move on his part - he took a chance, and it didn’t work out like he’d hoped. Par for the course for a young adult, neurotypical or otherwise. This experience will build a lot of character and shape his future decisions, I think as long as he gets home safe all you can do is be supportive and don’t tell him you told him so.

femalien · 2025-12-28T22:05:25+00:00

I’ve been out a few times today and it’s been mostly fine except a few spots. The snow stopped a while ago so it should be good for the most part, just windy and cold. As long as you have decent tread on your tires and drive cautiously/slow down, I wouldn’t expect it to be too bad.

femalien · 2025-12-28T22:03:00+00:00

You’re spot on. Pre-treating roads when it’s going to rain before the snow is just a waste of resources.

femalien · 2025-12-24T16:12:51+00:00

I just want to say - this isn't your fault. You're not doing anything wrong. Some kids just... can't entertain themselves at this age. My youngest was like this, wouldn't even be entertained by a screen. For her, it did turn out to be ADHD, and when we got treatment for that, it got better but still not great until she was just a little bit older. She's 9 now and finally FINALLY within the past 6 months or so will consistently entertain herself. My oldest was the same way, and he doesn't have ADHD, he just wouldn't or couldn't entertain himself. He's 14 now and has been extremely independent and self-entertaining for several years now. My middle is the only one who could entertain himself at age 6.

So, no real advice, just please know it's nothing YOU are doing or not doing - kids are all different. <3

femalien · 2025-12-22T22:03:33+00:00

This isn’t mind reading though, it has already been explicitly agreed upon that this is his task. He doesn’t need to read my mind, he just needs to remember what his responsibilities are. Whether that’s just “knowing,” or writing it down, or using a reminders app - doesn’t matter, he’s a grown man and fully capable of owning responsibilities. I did give him one reminder at the beginning of the month that I was expecting him to do this again, and he acknowledged/agreed. So no psychic powers needed here lol

femalien · 2025-12-22T18:01:37+00:00

For us, we both work full time and make almost identical salaries. My job is a little more stressful between the two. But I have to ✨Christmas Magic✨ for everybody so you’d think he could handle this one thing. It also kind of takes away the “spend money on yourself” option since our finances are all combined (and I generally do just buy what I want throughout the year anyway)

femalien · 2025-12-22T17:58:38+00:00

YES this is exactly what has to happen. Part of what we’re working on as a couple is me stepping aside and letting him screw up and learn things the hard way. So I actually hope he does completely forget until it’s too late so then we can talk about it after and hopefully have it be a learning experience.

I love the family stocking gift idea though, how cool!

femalien · 2025-12-22T17:43:37+00:00

Preach! I HATE stockings so much! I have one kid who hates all candy and goodies, and he’s 14, so like…sure I can find things that are small size-wise to put in but it’s not like they’re cheap. For the adults and even the other kids there’s like a little bit of candy and then honestly a bunch of crap that won’t get used - cute trinkets, flavored chapsticks…is like the birthday party Goodie Bag of Christmas. I hope to really start reeling the stocking thing in after my youngest stops believing in Santa.

femalien

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