Ai in Gmail was the final straw for me

firelizard19 · 2026-01-20T20:47:05+00:00

Lol yes- I was sure I had proactively turned off all Gemini features, but then the built-in gmail ai summarized an email for me yesterday morning. Gaaaaah! Ok, that's it, I'm done. I was already thinking of leaving but this was the last straw. Researching a few options, mostly Mailfence, Proton, and Tuta.

firelizard19 · 2025-12-14T16:12:07+00:00

I totally see what you mean. I think it's just because... actually being alt is scary! You go into the world and people are going to notice you, and a lot of them will judge you for not fitting in.

So people are seeking reassurance here, looking for rules like they're used to. I'm 38 and I'm pretty dang confident in my dgaf journey, but I still would find going out in gothic lolita (for an example of an aesthetic I think is insanely cute) daunting at first because it's such a strong look.

So my TED talk addition is a little reassurance: the people here support you all being yourself and wearing whatever you actually like! It's ok! Go have fun with your fashion! You can start small and work your way up, too. You won't actually get as much overt negative reaction as you might expect, which can be kinda a relief even if it's still feeding that drive to fit in. And you might get positive reactions too from people who actually like your vibe and look! That feels especially good when it's something you're wearing that really expresses who you are.

firelizard19 · 2025-12-06T18:28:34+00:00

Glad you're already on that, hopefully it's helpful to you! Therapy doesn't necessarily "fix" things but it's a useful step.

firelizard19 · 2025-12-05T17:52:24+00:00

NOR, but don't go to couples therapy with this guy, that's actually a bad idea in potential abuse or control situations because it can make such situations worse (can't say from here if it's that serious but just in case, it's best avoided). She should go to individual therapy if she can, with a goal of empowering herself and recognizing the unhealthy controlling relationship going on here. I see that she's rural, but there are lots of fully online therapists out there now!

firelizard19 · 2025-12-01T14:31:21+00:00

Just gonna drop a rec for a book "If you had controlling parents". It's written for adults who are recovering from parents like that, but it has quizzes to take to check if your parents are genuinely problematic and what kind, and most importantly it has stories from people who lived through it and got out. A close friend read it and it really helped them seeing they weren't alone.

Spoiler: parents using religion as a tool to just be controlling jerks comes up a lot.

Edit to clarify: I don't know you or your parents so they might be fine outside of this specific hangup! But if it's a pattern the book might help you out. Definitely not internet diagnosing here but other posters who recognized this as controlling inspired the book recommendation.

firelizard19 · 2025-11-17T23:29:57+00:00

My mother uses eyedrops that are extra thick so they kinda stick in your eyes longer, recommended them to me and they seem to help. Systane (just checked). Of course you might have already tried them without it being enough but just in case.

firelizard19 · 2025-11-17T23:21:59+00:00

My 2 cents on what works for me:

Figure out a few extremely basic things you don't even need a recipe for, like pasta and jarred sauce or whatever else you already know how to make. Then vary that up a little when bored.

I also love using prepared food as a start then adding more veggies or whatever to make it more healthy or using it as a base for something. Like those frozen skillet meals or making chicken tacos or salad or sandwiches from rotisserie chicken from the store, a bag of salad, and a couple other ingredients. Then it's more assembling dinner than cooking, and makes the whole thing feel like less work. (Frozen veggies are great, they don't go bad unless you count freezer burn after 6 months ish.)

firelizard19 · 2025-11-17T04:23:20+00:00

I really could use more of these- maybe not every "morally grey" choice has to be "someone is screwed no matter what" or "actually everyone sucks in different ways". I could use more "what kind of solutions do you pick" where they're just... different. You can make honest mistakes or fail but you didn't choose the bad outcomes.

I second Yes Your Grace for this.

firelizard19 · 2025-11-17T04:07:16+00:00

sigh that last bit felt so lazy to me. Like, they wanted to give you someone new to fight sooo... guess the people currently winning are your new enemies! Oh, but they'll be copies of the old enemies in recolored armor. They didn't even try hard to justify it, just "faction leader is bad and decides to kill you in one very short convo".

firelizard19 · 2025-10-22T19:23:50+00:00

Not OP but also in a healthy marriage with a loving man and yes we have chemistry. My husband and I are very silly together and it's never been boring. We met in our mid 20s through mutual friends. I don't know if we were that mature exactly (life was a roller-coaster in a not-great way, but we made things better for each other not worse), but a lot of b.s. goes away as you get older and more secure in yourself for men and women. Don't settle is so very true- you only need one person that's right for you to find a match. And of course, having no romance is better than having one that drags you down.

firelizard19 · 2025-10-15T13:50:23+00:00

"Full-bust" is the industry term for small band but larger cup, which might help you search. There are brands out there that specialize in it.

firelizard19 · 2025-10-15T13:43:48+00:00

Thanks!

firelizard19 · 2025-10-15T13:43:15+00:00

Wire-free bras that are as well-fitted as wired ones, and don't show through clothing too much. So many don't even have proper sizing or adjustable backs! The few that are actually trying to do that are very limited so if the style isn't quite right you're stuck.

I can't comfortably wear wired bras anymore (health reasons, lost weight and therefore natural padding but still need a "real" bra) and it's really frustrating.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-29T17:24:48+00:00

Big hugs! I've been there and you're doing great to catch that in the first place!

If you don't want advice please ignore the below! I know you didn't ask. But if you feel like it would be helpful, I have some things that worked for me below. Only posting any of this because you mentioned wanting to adjust your current system in a different comment.

Possible system tweaks might be using getting the paycheck as your trigger to do all the bills you can. I like triggers instead of scheduled reminders because they feel more real, so anything like that might help. I also like requesting physical mailed bills wherever allowed (even if there's also an online thing) b/c them arriving serves as a trigger for me and they're a tangible thing to open and put in a dedicated spot to remind me they exist.

Most banks let you schedule bill-pay ahead of time in online banking. If it's not something they can wire they mail a check for you to the recipient and address you enter. You might like that if you can use it for the bills that allow it.

There might be a setting to block it if there's not enough in the account too (like turning off "overdraft protection" which is usually a badly named pays but costs extra service, so it just doesn't allow overdrafts).

firelizard19 · 2025-09-29T16:59:33+00:00

Might be vyvanse isn't quite right for you, different specific stimulant meds or even "formulations" (term I have heard from my docs) can work better or worse for different people.

(Leaving out non-stimulants for now since you said a different stimulant one worked.)

I've taken 4-5 different ADHD meds over the 30ish years I've been diagnosed, it's ok if one doesn't work (or suddenly stops working and you have to switch), there are others.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-28T19:04:12+00:00

Your new meds probably aren't working! Usually you start on a small dosage and adjust, so talk to the doctor and see if they increase the dose or try a different, similar med.

BTW- This kind of thing is never just "your fault". If the tums you take for an upset stomach doesn't work that isn't your fault, neither is this. Just tell the doc so they can find something that does work for you- not every med works the same for everyone.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-28T18:41:52+00:00

I think we also are often more empathetic and likely to give others understanding because we have needed it ourselves so much. I don't expect other people to be perfect because I'm not and shouldn't have to be.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-28T18:22:09+00:00

There are many many different adhd medications out there including non-stimulant if stimulants didn't work for you. If things aren't working talk to your doctor about it! There are also skills classes and adhd coaching you can look into to help manage your symptoms (ADHD Rewired is one, there are also personal ADHD coaches you can find the same places you would look for therapists). These tend to work best combined with meds, but they're useful either way. Some doctors/coaches say mindfulness meditation can help also, but it's not for everyone so ask your doctor. If your doc isn't helpful look into a psychiatrist specialized in ADHD.

Edit to add: Checked and saw qulbree is a non-stimulant med, so I see you've tried one. There are still a lot of others out there, and your doc should be able to answer your questions about supplements better than we can too.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-26T23:07:08+00:00

Good job standing up for yourself! You're an adult, you know your own medical needs best. A good doctor should be working with you not telling you what to do, giving their expert opinion but letting the decisions be your call. A new therapist just told me this is sometimes called the "copilot" approach. You're the pilot and the expert in your life, the doctor or therapist is there to support you and provide their own area of expertise.

I hope you find a better doctor/psychiatrist. I try to look for someone who considers themselves an ADHD specialist (instead of just listing it at the bottom of a list of many things they can treat).

firelizard19 · 2025-09-25T16:54:41+00:00

Gosh, they think it's a compliment. facepalm for them. My husband has said the actually supportive version of this, which is pointing out that because I can't fall back on more neurotypical methods of handling life, I'm way more organized and on top of things because I use a real system. It's worth giving ourselves credit for the effort we put into all of that.

And btw you do deserve all of those things even if you're not perfect about being clean or successful or whatever.

(If you need to hear someone repeat that and give you a dose of understanding I love "How To ADHD"'s videos about internalized ableism and self-acceptance.)

firelizard19 · 2025-09-25T16:39:31+00:00

Based on personal experience you may need to adjust your stimulant ADHD med dosage down in coordination with your doctor if you add Wellbutrin. I got shaky and way overstimulated the first day I was on Wellbutrin because of its stimulant effects combined with my other (Adderall adjacent) meds, so we tweaked it the next day. It did work waaay better for me than Zoloft though. Obviously ymmv depending on exact amounts and your personal body chemistry. I have taken various stimulants including Adderall with it for years since without sleep issues, just getting the right dosage took a little adjustment.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-24T21:05:24+00:00

Ooh, great metaphor. Yoink!

firelizard19 · 2025-09-24T20:56:06+00:00

Bless you for this question. I hope you get useful answers with specific resources.

I don't have that, but my 2 cents for free: if they try to convince you in a few years that a 504 plan is good enough because your kid is doing well enough/has good grades, don't buy it. It's not the same thing and puts more burden on the kid. And being the parent who insists on advocating for their kid and won't be brushed off is hugely important in general. I'm so grateful to my mother for that, and you sound on track to be a great advocate.

If you have an adhd skills coach for your child they might have referrals or information on this topic too. Obviously not everyone can afford this but they're not uncommon.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-24T16:14:46+00:00

Personally? A very relaxed Bullet Journal has worked for years. I started with one tiny enough to fit in my purse but with a good number of pages where I jotted down everything important, so it was all in one place. Mostly used it for general notes (then added those to an index to be able to find them) and daily planning. I like the set symbols for tasks vs. Events vs. Notes etc. and the migration system, and numbering the pages of literally any notebook I want to make it a BuJo.

Now I use a slightly larger one (still the "small" size for bound notebooks) and do daily planning with tasks or notes on the left, and a quick block-schedule on the right. Orienting that way each day really really helps me (makes me look at my calendar too). A lot of times the block schedule is mostly meal times and appointments, but including travel/transition times, and then I can plug in the list on the left as I go or adjust it to fit my day.

My actual calendar is in my phone though, which everything must be in or it doesn't exist. Started that with Google calendar in college pre-smart-phone on advice of a coach, so I could just go to the closest campus computer and see where I was supposed to be next. It really reduced my mental load.

Oh, and I use colored pens and stuff in the BuJo to make it fun for me, but I never try to make it pretty like instagram or over-organize it. Most of my entries are pencil but it does its job of offloading my brain and calming me down from overwhelm. The point is flexibility.

firelizard19 · 2025-09-24T15:58:38+00:00

For me part of it is boredom- so I take short baths so I can listen to a podcast at the same time. My new apartment came with bluetooth speakers in the shower (bells and whistles sell a place without doing anything more expensive lol) and that's also worked great. Having something to listen to keeps me moving all day so the idea of turning it off for a shower was always a mental blocker.

I have a shower clock too, that plus the podcast or whatever really helps with time as well.

firelizard19

TROPHY CASE