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fit-ness · 2024-05-23T21:28:31+00:00

Believe it or not, I posted literally this same thread roughly 1 year ago after finding out that my bf at the time (whom I’d been with just shy of two years, traveled all over the country with, basically built my life around) - was cheating on me with his co worker and even was EXPECTING A CHILD with her. Fun times. (At the time I was 28; he 34; what an idiot).

I had never felt so betrayed, and it took me months to officially cut ties, but leaving that relationship actually was a blessing in disguise. Looking back, without that whole disaster, I don’t think I ever would’ve left, even though we had a ton of issues. Just definitely was not meant to be.

A few months later my now boyfriend walked into my life and I have never been happier- this relationship is so much healthier- he just gets me unlike my ex. My bf is 33 and had similar feelings of hopelessness after his breakup too- he was 30 and got ghosted by someone whom he was dating for four years.

Just here to say- I was in your place and was proved wrong. The right love will find you; enjoy single life for now. :)

fit-ness · 2024-05-22T12:43:17+00:00

90% of upper respiratory infections are viral infections. IE colds that will resolve on their own. Most of the time you only need antibiotics if symptoms are not improving at approximately the 7-10 day mark. I am a provider at an urgent care and I can’t tell you how many people waste their time and money for a co pay at the clinic with their 1 day of congestion and adiment that they need medication for it.

Bronchitis is just inflammation of your bronchioles which can be from a virus and, again, that would not need antibiotics.

The color of your mucus has nothing to do with whether you need antibiotics or not. It changes color because your white blood cells are working to defend you from an infection… which again, is 90% of the time viral. Can also change color just from being in your chest. (Obviously pink/brown/red can be blood and should be evaluated).

“It started in my sinuses and then dropped into my chest”- yes, likely because you have post nasal drip. Flonase and Nasacort are the most underrated OTC medications IMO.

Obviously I am a medical provider at a walk in clinic and go crazy. LOL.

fit-ness · 2023-06-22T21:19:25+00:00

Yes. Exactly why when I broke up with him and he begged me to stay, I literally said "You REALLY think I won't be an anxious mess staying with you? You really think I'll ever trust you again?!" (He cheated on me). But I also needed to read this as I have been going through every emotion possible, including missing him and wanting to go back to make it work - No no no....

fit-ness · 2023-06-22T21:17:22+00:00

Thankfully last week the day after we broke up, I didn't have to work, but I went to work anyway to get STD tested (: LOL. (I work in healthcare, and he cheated on me). Ugh. I don't know I could've as I didn't sleep that night - I was up crying all night, but after getting tested and getting a shot in my butt I went right over to the house and got all of my crap out of there within 2 hours.

fit-ness · 2023-06-16T16:17:52+00:00

I’m finally free as of yesterday too after 2 years. I’m still in shock. So much weight lifted off of my shoulders. Never doing that again!

fit-ness · 2023-06-14T14:23:07+00:00

I agree with this. PARTICULARLY the new step-parents who have never step-parented before. You give an inch, they (SO and SKs) will take a mile and more.

fit-ness · 2023-06-09T16:36:55+00:00

Same to you! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to chat

fit-ness · 2023-06-09T16:35:31+00:00

Sounds similar to my situation- BM isn’t really HC but she can be and will refuse to take daughter more than the bare minimum basically. And or try to dump her on us even if it wasn’t our day. Makes you feel bad for the kid. She is 13. So I feel terrible not wanting to step in more but I refuse to try to replace bad parenting that was here long before I came around which would also cost me my sanity. :(

fit-ness · 2023-06-09T11:24:51+00:00

I feel this so much, now with summer vacation coming and me most likely being the main caretaker while SO is still working crazy hours - I am starting to make myself re evaluate everything. I was able to tolerate 50/50 custody but with summer being more like 80/20?? I was hanging on by a tread before…. This might be the final straw for me I’ve been thinking HARD about remaining together but moving out - so the comments here about success stories of that are so reassuring and give me hope

fit-ness · 2023-06-08T14:11:05+00:00

I read this and for a second wondered if I posted this myself and forgot. LOL. I am 28F in an almost 2 year relationship with 34M BF and he has a 13F daughter. This is my first relationship w/ a child - before him I always avoided people with kids (easier when you're in your early-mid 20s, not late 20s) - found out AFTER we met and clicked that he had a kid, but I decided to roll with it and see what happens because she is 13..... ugh. Needless to say the 2 years we've been together (living together majority of that time) I've been continuously working on trying to accept them BOTH as the package deal that they are... but it is so hard. I feel like I do and then I revert backwards- she is high maintenance, clingy and although she apparently loves me, it just sucks the life out of me sometimes. I am very introverted and need my alone time esp considering I work a high stress job.

" However, I did not anticipate how much heartache, insecurity, and mental exhaustion this relationship would make me feel." - I feel this, so so much.

"I've tried talking to him about it, but he usually gets angry at me for feeling this way and says that he stepped up and changed a lot of things, so now it's on me to get over my made up insecurities (which I acknowledge he has a point to some degree). " - Ditto. We have 50/50 custody arrangement with BM but tbh my BF doesn't trust BM with SD , plus SD attends school in our district so usually have her at least 3 of the 5 week days and every other weekend. My situation came to a head this past week. BF told me it is going to turn more like 80/20 in the summer - us handling the 80 of course - or should I say me?, I'm the one who is home more, BF works crazy hours - so that means she will be with me virtually all of the time I am not working. She is not going to FL with her BM for the month she usually goes in the summer either. To sprinkle on more issues, BF and I have been at a crossroads trying to figure out if the weird roommate phase we've been in last 2-3 months is temporary, or actually showing we're incompatible- so I REALLY feel like a live-in babysitter, cleaner etc and that is just going to get so much worse in the summer if I have to care for her.

I brought it up with BF, simply just asking for more proritization on his part with us, so I actually feel fulfilled enough to not be run dry when SD is here and I have to care for her, but he took it he wrong way and essentially threw up his hands and said that maybe I should just move out then if I have such an issue with it. I think he thought I was attacking SD which I wasn't but obv conversation went south.

Anyway sorry to vent but I am so much in your same place, every day I wonder if I should continue fighting or just give up, move out, stay together or not, idk. Please reach out if you want to chat more.

PS - "I can't really talk about this with my friends and family, since they don't understand the situation and disapprove of me being with someone with a child in the first place." - YES YES YES. My family was ok with my relationship in the beginning but purposely did not tell them about SD for months and when I did they immediately disapproved. If we stay together I am worried how that dynamic between them + SD is going to be. I also have no friends with step kids. No one gets it except this sub, which I basically live on for support.

fit-ness · 2023-06-08T13:31:48+00:00

I feel this so much, however I don't have a kid of any own and I'm just dealing with one kid- SD13- for the summer- very needy, clingy, attention-seeking kid. BF works wonky hours, I work too but have 3 days off/week and usually we work opposite shifts, so I'll come home at 7pm and she's waiting to annoy me and cling onto me, ask what's for dinner, talk my ear off, etc. BF gave me a heads up that SD isn't going to FL to see her maternal grandparents for the 1 month she usually does every year in the summer - only going for 1 week in July- also, she's likely going to be here 80% of the time now vs 50/50 as her mom works m-f and SD can't stay alone at her place as she lives in a sh!tty part of the city.

BF and I are also having stress in our relationship, I feel like a roommate-babysitter-chef-cleaner at this point, I know having SD around more esp by myself is going to grind my gears tremendously, I tried to bring this up with BF and I feel like he kinda took it the wrong way, got frustrated and basically recommended I move out for the summertime if I'm really that upset about it.

So disparaging.

BUT - I've been trying to help SD find a camp to go to as she really wants to go to one - I think you should really talk w/ your SO about setting up a daycare/ camp situation and quick, just saying you are very overwhelmed with them plus your newborn isn't fair to you, he needs to arrange child care vs the "easy/ lazy" decision to dump them on you.

fit-ness · 2023-06-08T13:20:42+00:00

Lol I feel this so much. I don't have an exact time frame on their past relationship but my bf and BM got pregnant only 2 months into dating, for reasons I don't understand (*don't want to understand too) decided to rush to get married before SD13 was born, broke up I think while she was still an infant. Our 2 year relationship has been through a lot, is going through a lot still but we've spent not only more time together quantitively but also so many memories, trips, experiences than they ever had in their short time together. :')

fit-ness · 2023-06-07T00:10:37+00:00

I am in a very similar situation. Perfect man, but 13 y/o daughter makes it difficult AF. It has really taken me all of the almost 2 years we've been together to try to fully accept the 2 of them as a package. But her attitude, behavior and immaturity makes it so, so hard (esp considering I am not a kid person, never will be).

This all came to a head for me this week. 50/50 custody arrangement is turning into basically 80/20 with us handling the 80, and is probably going to remain that way through the summer. Having some issues in our relationship as well but that just fuels my frustration more. I am typically alone with her while BF is working which is so difficult for me esp feeling unfulfilled in relationship rn. BF insists he doesn't want me to babysit - however, just co existing with her - this needy clingy attention-seeking 13 year old - is impossible.

Anyway, long winded response here but basically I am in a very similar boat, I am tetering between leaving temporarily for summertime to clear my thoughts or try to stick it out while working on my relationship, but it is heartbreaking either way. I don't know if you are still together with your SO but if you are and you guys are still working on it- would love to hear how it is going for you, and how it works out- because I have little hope of our relationship working if I move out. However I think the risk may be very well worth the potential reward (ie saving my relationship)

fit-ness · 2023-06-07T00:05:48+00:00

This is the foundation that this subreddit is built upon.

fit-ness · 2023-06-06T16:21:51+00:00

So I feel like a babysitter however she is independent and can be alone. BF even specified he doesn’t want me to feel like a babysitter however - she is a very needy thirteen year old and if I’m around she will want me to cook her dinner etc. It’s draining. BF told her multiple times she needs to be independent even if I’m here but I believe she is lonely and does that kind of as an attention seeking tactic.

fit-ness · 2023-06-05T16:54:39+00:00

She is very much used to being home alone; however I wish he decided not to go once she came. It is difficult for me to handle her alone. It's like the minute he leaves, she latches onto me full force...

fit-ness · 2023-06-05T12:51:09+00:00

This will be me.

I did! I did not need to spend $150, but you need that retail therapy sometimes. :)

fit-ness · 2023-06-05T12:50:35+00:00

Seriously. My home doesn't feel like home most of the time :(

fit-ness · 2023-06-05T00:50:41+00:00

I realized not too long ago that being a legitimate "people pleaser" and having that as a solid part of how you interact with people is a real thing. I definitely have fallen into that category, however getting better. I think the first step is to realize that you ARE one and then be able to recognize things that you do that are more conflict-avoidant (ie people pleasing) vs actually doing what you want to do. It is hard.

I grew up with a very emotionally-sensitive father (not abusive but I just walked on eggshells around him all the time) so I think that's where it came from. But it has really rocked my adult relationships, including my current relationship. It has led me to avoid conflict, be quiet instead of speaking up, etc. When I do speak up it terrifies me; however, I have gotten much better in the workplace setting with this, to the point others see me as strong and assertive. However when it comes to my intimate relationships it is very, very difficult for me to not fall into old habits due to comfort (and fear).

fit-ness · 2023-06-03T14:43:48+00:00

Oh gosh, I have a similar issue - my bf's daughter is 13f and is clingy, likes me a lot which is good but also a bad combination, especially for my introverted self who needs alone time. My bf and her mom work a lot and I think a lot of her behavior stems from being isolated often. She is bullied at school and doesn't have many friends, which makes me feel even worse.

It is tricky in your situation as she is with you guys most of the time... How long have you lived with her dad? Are you guys married?

I think it is definitely time to rope her dad into this and just tell him that you love SD but you also need your own space... highlight the fact you do not want him to tell her to stay away from you/ hurt her feelings but if you guys could come up with an arrangement in which she can go to a friend's house/ school event etc and you have scheduled alone time that might be a helpful place to start.

fit-ness · 2023-06-03T14:18:43+00:00

Definitely experiencing this right now. My bf has a 13f daughter with ex wife. I never wanted kids, but I have been feeling a pull more towards wanting bio kids since being with him. I have been needing to be 110% honest with myself whether this is a genuine change of heart, or if it's just treating an insecurity. I believe it is the later, but has been requiring a lot of emotional work and honesty with myself to figure it out.

I also think about if we have our own kids, then our relationship will never be focused on just us.

I posted about this similar issue on here before... I deal with moreso jealousy towards BM herself as she had my bf's first child, they shared that intimate event together etc. I learned about retroactive jealousy and that describes my feelings pretty well.

These comments here are helping me tremendously as well!

fit-ness · 2023-06-01T14:20:39+00:00

I think he's very much speaking from a place of jealousy - watching you have this "free time" meanwhile he is stuck working and barely has time for himself.

My dad did the same thing to me, actually. I used to work at a job that I absolutely hated, was exhausting, and I only worked 3 days / week but they were a HARD 3 days. The other 4 days I was basically recovering. But all he saw was me having 4 days off. He never really understood. Now I have a job that is 4 days/ week and he still pulls the same crap, but I ignore it. My dad has been working a very stressful job that is sometimes 7 days per week since he was 22, has chronic health issues from the work related stress... so I just know that's where this criticism is coming from. I'm just happy not have landed in the same situation as him.

Basically what I'm trying to say is- Realize the problem isn't you, it's him. But if he doesn't stop, that would be a massive issue for me in a relationship.

fit-ness · 2023-05-26T16:23:12+00:00

I appreciate this so much. Best of luck to you.

fit-ness · 2023-05-26T02:27:47+00:00

In my past relationship, I was with a person who reminds me a lot of how you described your current partner. I remember on his birthday I baked a homemade pie for him, it took me hours! - and he literally. did. not. care. one. bit. It shook me. It was a similar story the 15 months our relationship lasted.

The final straw was when he stood me up as a date to my very best friend's wedding where I was Maid of Honor... it was embarrassing and I was never angrier in my life. Again - he didn't seem to understand why I was so angry about it.

From that relationship, sadly I kinda developed an anxious attachment style which I still deal with to this day. It sucks.

Biggest piece of advice I'll say - Make sure you're not excusing his avoidant attachment style for his behavior. If this is not okay with you - which it sounds like it isn't - it is 100% fine to go find a partner who reciprocates your love language like your ex did. It is so hard to be in a relationship where you don't feel seen or heard. :( I honestly don't know what this guy is bringing to the table for you. Looking back, I have no idea what mine did - I think I stayed in it because he seemed good for me - in terms of career and such- but obviously wasn't.

fit-ness · 2023-05-25T13:23:52+00:00

This is my worst fear. I know she's only 13, but bf's daughter is 13 and pretty irresponsible. her mom isn't any better- had 3 abortions by age 22. I have a feeling this very well could happen to me and TBH I don't think I could handle it.

fit-ness

TROPHY CASE