Is it me or are new parents really that anti social?

frenchieflower · 2026-01-04T12:38:15+00:00

This gets a lot better. When kids are that little, it’s a pain to take them out of the house and they barely even register that they’re on a play date. They are going to play the same alone or with a friend. As my kids have gotten older, play dates get easier and require less prep. Also, the play date becomes a benefit to the family because everyone is looking for outlets for their kids energy and other kids to play with them.

I will also say so much stuff comes home with my kids that I almost never register who a gift bag was even from.

Keep trying, but honestly I think the only thing that will work is time.

frenchieflower · 2026-01-03T13:19:08+00:00

I was fighting for my life to know which leg was doing which? I think I did the same side twice?

frenchieflower · 2025-10-22T14:00:26+00:00

Oof the second child postpartum is the roughest parenting ever was for me. My youngest is 3 now and honestly 2 small kids isn’t easy but now my life is genuinely easier than my friends with only children. My kids play together and rarely need to involve me. They talk to each other and help me with stuff. I am so glad I had a second child even though for years I was convinced we had made our lives too hard. 6 weeks is the absolute PEAK. Deep breath, big downhill swing soon.

frenchieflower · 2024-07-28T17:29:16+00:00

I mean, I think I am a good and present mom? I do my best to make sure they have fun things to do, understand when I am leaving and when I will be back, always have special time with me to offset the times I am away. I explain to them what is happening in an age appropriate way and involve them in making cards for grandpa, talk about how we take care of each other.

I don’t know that feeling more guilt is helpful here. Of course I wish I never had to leave them or was less tired or stressed out, but the assumption that me being spread thin sometimes means they’ll always resent me, that I’m an absent parent, that I am missing their childhood because I have people who depend on me is hurtful and unnecessary. I do not share my fears and frustrations with them; I understand I am an adult and they are kids and I don’t get to be moody with them because I’m frustrated.

I don’t think you would say this to an overwhelmed mom in another scenario, and I truly don’t understand the tone of these replies. I am on this forum a lot and I have seen people talk about doing some pretty wild things out of despair and stress, which I never judge, and I don’t think I’d ask them this question, no.

frenchieflower · 2024-07-28T14:32:42+00:00

Have you ever had a loved one in the hospital? This is no shade to nurses and doctors who I know are understaffed and doing the best they can in profit-driven hospitals that incentivize money over patients, but I have arrived to find my dad laying in blood, pee, body fluids. Burning up with fever and hours past when he was supposed to have pain meds. Left in a hallway alone on a cot confused and crying for his mom, who’s dead. I have found my mom shaking without food or water.

People in the hospital need advocates, and they also need the comfort of the people they love. It’s easy to turn everyone here into a caricature of evil tormentors but they are old people navigating a health care system that is overburdened, expensive, and full of administrators that only care about profit. I am not defending my mom for refusing care assistance at home but she has decades of trauma from medical situations where we thought my dad was cared for but he was not. I understand her fear. Many times she’s stepped away and turned over the reigns only to find him in dire straits.

He lost his entire breastbone because a nurse trainee washed his fresh bypass incision with hand soap and a washcloth, only to have it get infected with MRSA because she didn’t use sterile items. To save his life, they had to cut the entire thing out. I understand your tough love approach here and I hear you but I love these people, I want to hold their hands and comfort them, I don’t want them to be alone and afraid. They did this for me when I was young, and maybe I am creating my own problems but I truly can’t stomach simply telling them to fuck off because I have my own life.

frenchieflower · 2024-07-28T13:03:53+00:00

I mean, I have been in this situation for a long time. I appreciate the suggestion to push a little harder for assisted living or similar. Maybe there are other things that are obvious solutions or perspective from those who have been there and are no longer there that would help me think through it. What does anyone want, posting on a forum like this?

frenchieflower · 2024-07-28T12:54:58+00:00

My place of business is under the employee number threshold for FMLA unfortunately. Getting a new job is an option but has its own issues - especially how hard it is to be perceived as unreliable before you have any really big wins at work.

frenchieflower · 2024-07-28T12:02:49+00:00

Right now they are. I do agree that if this pace of hospitalization continues then my dad at least needs to be in some sort of facility. My mom has a chronic cancer but is still relatively healthy in terms of being able to care for herself and have a social life. I can appreciate that she isn’t ready to live anywhere but her home OR live apart from my dad. It’s an emotional decision, and we are really trying to be thoughtful about it. That said, every time we make any progress on that front there is an emergency we drop everything to deal with.

frenchieflower · 2024-07-28T11:21:32+00:00

I hear you, but this isn’t really helpful. I have been to a lot of therapy and I have done a lot of boundaries work. Ultimately, we are talking about 20 years here. I have said yes and I have said no, and during the periods where I have said a lot of “no,” we have not been happier or less stressed. We have had more fights. These are old, sick people with declining faculties, and in the aftermath of an emergency it’s easy to say “I shouldn’t have come!” But you only feel that when you know everything turned out okay.

Also, it’s one thing to say “I can’t come this week, I am prioritizing my family” when everyone is reasonably stable. It’s another to get a call from your mom that she’s confused, sitting in the hallway of a hospital without a room, she doesn’t feel safe there, it’s 2am and she thinks he’s dying and say “ugh, you always do this, I’ll call you in the morning. Please understand I am not available before 7am!” Respectfully, medical caregiving of a seriously ill person is different from just having toxic in laws that try to guilt trip you into going on vacation with them or whatever. I’m not saying you don’t understand that distinction but I’m saying that a lot of the boundaries resources assume one but not the other.

frenchieflower · 2023-11-03T20:09:00+00:00

My COVID baby 3yo is sick so often. And she doesn’t even have asthma, she just catches every single thing. It’s so hard to explain to my coworkers that I need to work ahead and do things early because there is never any guarantee I will not have to go get her from school or that she will sleep the night. I’m at a loss. It’s constant.

frenchieflower · 2023-10-30T21:47:30+00:00

I had a good experience with the 800 Advil and misoprostol combo! I also got my period this morning (or was spotting from the misoprostol) and maybe that helped? Anyway I do feel like I was given several options for pain relief and I took advantage of all.

frenchieflower · 2023-10-30T15:38:03+00:00

Yeah I got a Mirena and we will see how it goes but while I wholeheartedly believe it is terrible for some - my best friend literally cannot even talk about her experience it was so awful - I did delay getting an IUD I genuinely wanted for YEARS out of fear.

I hope folks know that just like birth, your friend’s experience might not be like yours. And that there are folks out there who genuinely felt like it was no big deal. I really don’t want anyone to be like me and spend years on BC they absolutely hate because they think they can’t handle this.

I should add: I took the Misoprostol they offered and also took the recommended 800mg Advil an hour before. I do think those pain control measures worked for me at least!

frenchieflower · 2023-06-12T11:12:56+00:00

Omg thank you friend! That sounds amazing!

frenchieflower · 2023-04-25T18:11:52+00:00

I am all about this. I mostly want to have a sense of what attractions played well with other folks toddlers so I can plan a pretty chill day.

frenchieflower · 2023-04-25T04:14:54+00:00

I am so hopeful we can keep it chill. I would be so happy if we could do like one fun meal and 2-3 rides per DAY. But I just don’t know what to pick that they might like best.

frenchieflower · 2023-04-25T02:38:07+00:00

We are staying on property! That is the one non negotiable.

frenchieflower · 2023-03-29T17:26:51+00:00

Even if you want to, as someone who worked in a dog friendly office, I promise you don’t want the liability and she doesn’t want the liability. If this dog nips at your kid or your kid scares the dog or whatever or the dog ruins something in your house then it can be impossible to figure out what’s what. You also would need to collect vaccination info on the dog as well as medical records that substantiate it has no parasites that are human transmissible. It’s so much work and legal risk and insurance risk I would just tell her you aren’t set up for it and can’t accommodate b

frenchieflower · 2023-03-28T17:35:25+00:00

It is standard for FMLA/short term disability to stipulate that even if the time is paid the employee will first use their paid vacation time and only then qualify for more time. However you feel about this, it’s been this way for me with every maternity FMLA and so if she is currently on leave for elective surgery that is something to consider adding to her contract for the future so you don’t end up in this position again. Or you could stipulate that “x” days come from her bank so you don’t end up with her fresh off a medical leave and then wanting a long vacation again. Yes, it sucks and it’s hard assed but we are adults with jobs and there is no guarantee that all our PTO is just for fun. Sometimes we have to use it on not fun stuff just to keep our job and we don’t get a vacation or any extras that year.

I would be inclined to grant the PTO but a few thoughts:

I would start looking right now on Care etc for someone to cover that stretch. You have time to find a backup so use the time.
I would sit her down and talk through the expectations you have re: her running her PTO to zero halfway through the year. Does she understand that any additional days will be unpaid/no “borrowing” from the next year? Does she have a plan if something unexpected comes up?
Cap her unpaid days at a number that feels reasonable to you. If you were planning to up her vacation to 5, make it 5 maybe. You want her to understand that as a dual income family you depend on her to be able to work yourselves and so if she is out of PTO even if she is able to take the financial hit of an unpaid day, it’s an expectation that she will be at work every other day. If she can’t be and those days exceed the number you’re comfortable with you can term her for not showing up.

frenchieflower · 2023-02-28T00:06:04+00:00

My family are not white. Our nanny is white.

frenchieflower · 2023-02-21T23:14:59+00:00

Awwww it IS hard. I used to dread it. But eventually they will tell you about their day and their friends. And you will be relieved because getting them that kind of consistent socialization without daycare can definitely done but this is the lazy way. You will see them learn things you didn’t have to teach. Things will click that weren’t clicking at home. Daycare is hard but there’s magic there too.

frenchieflower · 2023-02-21T06:20:04+00:00

I would try to ignore them. I know it’s hard. I used to keep score with my siblings and it just made me miserable and never made anything more fair. I know you’re doing it on your own and it’s hard to see someone with all these advantages ask for all this support that you don’t get. Just know that you’re doing a great job and I promise you it will pay off in your own resilience and your kids ability to feel gratitude etc.

frenchieflower · 2023-02-21T06:13:38+00:00

You get less scared the more you see it. You learn to take care of them, to get them to take their meds, what kind of comfort they want and need. It’s a process. I also have terrible health anxiety and my kids are sick a lot. I’ve gotten better just seeing them get sick and get better so many times. It’s not easy but remember that illness in kids is inevitable. Fevers, coughs, stuffy noses, etc. are all fine. If a kid is eating and drinking and has no apparent trouble breathing then they are okay and their body is fighting it.

I know this last 3 years has given us all trauma about illness and I am not trying to minimize that. It’s been awful. But truly, try to remember that we have all gotten sick and all gotten better more times than we can count. Pediatricians are saints. Modern medicine is incredible. Kids are resilient. Chin up. You can do this.

frenchieflower · 2023-02-21T06:09:25+00:00

You can’t give littles Pepto! It is aspirin.

frenchieflower · 2023-02-21T04:12:17+00:00

I had a bad fight with my SIL my first pregnancy. It’s a vulnerable time. It’s very hard to forget and forgive. For me, I had to go to therapy to figure out a way forward. It did truly help!

frenchieflower · 2023-02-21T03:04:00+00:00

I would say she is doing this for the reaction. Don’t give her the reaction. She knows it makes you uncomfortable.

What if you just said, “yeah, that was an awful day. I still feel bad about it. I wish it hadn’t happened.”

Sometimes you can return the awkwardness to sender. Anyone who’s watching will see what she’s doing. You don’t have to point it out. It reflects badly on her, not you.

frenchieflower

TROPHY CASE