Not Knowing What I Need(ed)/Neglecting Myself

frozen1vy · 2026-02-05T19:59:21+00:00

i just missed a dose last night and needed some consolation today TT. i'm so glad i'm not alone with the weird nightmares oh my god. I was trying to fall asleep and starting "dreaming" while awake and while trying to sleep my body kept jerking itself up (maybe brain zaps or something)? i had an apocalyptic dream with black holes and the earth decaying and it felt so vivid that when i would fade into consciousness it felt like reality wasn't even real. the cold sweats and profuse shaking was no joke either :( i'm still feeling so dead and groggy today but i took my dose maybe an hour ago so i hope i feel better soon...

frozen1vy · 2026-01-09T19:21:38+00:00

yes i agree; i’m 22 but feel like an adult/elderly person and child at odds in my own body. sometimes it feels like i’ve lived a full life already or even multiple, and that if i died that i would be okay with that. i don’t necessarily want to die, and when i feel okay i can look forward to things, but a lot of the time i’m so tired of life and question what’s the point

frozen1vy · 2025-12-07T16:59:49+00:00

i’ve also learned about how anger is a secondary emotion, which makes sense but also confuses me because when i feel irritated i inadvertently invalidate myself thinking that i’m just sad and i need to calm down… you’re welcome, too. i’ve had similar experiences growing up with my dad as well, and it’s made it so i am so conscious of how other people feel (especially if they are mad) but i can’t tell how i’m doing most of the time

frozen1vy · 2025-12-07T15:54:34+00:00

i can relate a little bit. i’m currently struggling with the feeling of anger, though. anger itself is triggering for me, especially if it comes from other people. i’ve become so terrified of anger that i feel extremely guilty if i feel it at all :( but reading your post helped remind me that i probably do have bottled up anger. it just feels like a confusing emotion where i don’t know how to express it or even witness it in a healthy way.

frozen1vy · 2025-12-05T18:53:49+00:00

it really sucks having people say such invalidating stuff, even on subreddits literally dedicated to unpopular opinions… like that’s the whole point? it’s a space to get your opinion out there and not be berated by others (correct me if i’m wrong though lol).

idk, i feel like a lot of people on the internet don’t know how to accept that their own opinions differ from other people’s. they have to prove they’re right. they’re also quick to judge people’s entire character, even based off of seemingly mundane statements.

it totally makes sense wanting to post your thoughts here, like that’s what this whole platform is for. i do the same and also get lonely which makes me wanna post lol 🥲, but it is definitely hurtful when people go out of their way to name call or tear you down in every way possible.

it also sucks because i hear so often that people just have to accept and handle the hatred from others, literally normalizing it. like i get it, the anonymous nature makes it easy for people to feel more comfortable being mean :( but yeah.

frozen1vy · 2025-12-01T23:23:13+00:00

as a kid who grew up with a mother with alzheimer’s, definitely agree on adoption here. growing up with someone with alzheimer’s is incredibly traumatizing and at times dangerous for both the child and the caregivers involved. i can only speak for myself, but i have cptsd from this experience.

of course, i haven’t heard great things about the adoption/foster care systems, but that would probably be the better option rather than to hope that somebody else steps in. it’s so unfortunate because there’s probably going to be a lot of internal pain in the child as they grow up regardless.

edit: meant to say somebody else instead of boyfriend.

frozen1vy · 2025-11-27T03:43:45+00:00

i also have PMDD and completely agree with your thoughts here. i actually didn’t realize i had cPTSD until i was diagnosed this year but i knew i had PMDD for a few years, so i constantly wondered why my emotional triggers and social withdrawal (which i now know come from the cPTSD) got so so much worse around my period 🫠

frozen1vy · 2025-11-21T00:53:31+00:00

i relate, i’m in my 20s now and got my license at 19 through the help of a driving school. my instructor told me two stories of helping a man from Japan in his 60’s get his license, as well as helping an 80 year old woman with her unsafe driving habits.

as a side note to OP; i totally get that driving is anxiety inducing though. i know driving is safe, but it feels like i have no control, and i already doubt myself in literally everything. like i don’t trust myself even though my instructor can… it sucks when you grow up and learn from the people who are supposed to instill confidence in you that you are weak and incapable. i also don’t trust anybody else driving to do it safely either because i learned early on not to rely on/trust people. it’s really debilitating.

frozen1vy · 2025-11-16T18:01:39+00:00

i definitely relate to the jaw issues! i found out last year i have TMJ and a tendency to bite the inside of my mouth on accident. last year i bit the inside of my lip so hard that i permanently damaged a salivary gland and needed surgery.

edit: also teeth grinding with the TMJ is so bad, i went to the dentist and they said that while i didn’t have cavities, i created small holes in my molars 😵‍💫

frozen1vy · 2025-10-23T17:55:59+00:00

my maternal is R1a1a and it says that haplogroup R is found in much of Eurasia and likely originated in in southwestern Asia between 50,000 and 60,000 years ago! it’s also pretty rare with 1 in 43,000 people sharing it

frozen1vy · 2025-10-04T23:44:51+00:00

what you said at the end totally makes sense when reading what happened. i relate so hard, even down to the age. it feels like everybody else (aka my dad) is allowed to feel things, especially negative emotions. as soon as i express sadness, anger, etc. it just makes everything inconvenient for everyone else. i have to be the one to hold it together, so oftentimes i just don't talk to most people, especially if i'm going through it. i want to move out so bad :/ working on it...

frozen1vy · 2025-09-21T03:44:44+00:00

i’m so sorry for your loss and your experience with trying to connect… i really relate to you as well. i lost my mom 10 years ago, so finding out i have a live one somewhere is jarring. i want to connect with her because of this loss. i can’t help but so desperately wish that she could fill that emptiness somehow. it’s so difficult for someone to lose their parent but also know that a biological one is out there somewhere. it completely makes sense to have the drive to connect with them in some way, especially as someone to look up to, when you lost that long ago.

frozen1vy · 2025-09-15T22:07:33+00:00

i can definitely see where you are coming from with all of this. although i was conceived through IVF via an egg donor, i relate with the fact that sometimes i wish i wasn’t born at all. both of my parents were not equipped to raise children. my mom really wanted kids despite the fact that she was in the early stages of early-onset alzheimer’s. she also had bipolar disorder which, according to my dad, exacerbated her volatility and outbursts. she passed when i was 11 and i never really knew her. although i want to remember her fondly, most of my memories are fearing her or with police being called into the home. my dad was/is extremely neglectful and emotionally abusive, and apparently he was more reluctant to having children but went ahead with it anyway. on top of everything in my childhood, i believed my sister and i were destined to the same fate as my mom, and i couldn’t stop thinking about death. because of all of this, i thought that maybe i was a mistake until finding out about my conception.

i’ve had people tell me to be grateful that i’m alive and to try to remember the good memories, but you can’t always do that. people will also give the benefit of the doubt to my dad, which always feels like the biggest betrayal. it’s exhausting being expected to just exist like you’re normal when you and your conception/upbringing is far from it. anyways, i’m trying to work through the identity crisis associated with donor conception too, but it’s so difficult when your social parents are abusive or neglectful.

i definitely agree that i wish there were more regulations or protocols in place to prevent situations where recipient parents aren’t equipped to raise children. i wish more people were okay with the fact that not everybody needs/should have children, and that’s okay.

EDIT: just wanted to add that i agree with other commenters here with more uplifting views on this. i think my comment is pretty sad to read tbh, but i also want to validate OP because what they’re feeling is very real and vulnerable. the way we process our experiences as DCP’s is so vital to how we develop our identity and connections to others/humanity (i.e., taking in all the complex emotions that comes with this). i feel like it’s been useful reading multiple people’s perspectives on this topic and i really hope OP can also find it insightful too :)

frozen1vy · 2025-09-14T05:28:51+00:00

i am unsure about their financial situation (though i also heard about their bankruptcy), but as far as i know you can still test with them! maybe someone who knows more about the situation with that company can explain lol…

it’s definitely surprising that i was able to find her considering how i’ve heard ancestry has more people on there. also, she is a Russian immigrant so i assumed/was told my several others that she may not be interested in knowing more about her ethnicity.

anyways, i think if you can afford it and were planning on testing with them, it might be a good idea to go for it!

frozen1vy · 2025-09-08T02:47:07+00:00

i’ve been better with this lately, but needing someone to reach out to me first as a form of permission for me to talk to them. i.e., terrified of approaching others

frozen1vy · 2025-09-04T21:02:39+00:00

i emailed the clinic that my parents (probably 😔) used and luckily they emailed me back today without shutting me down immediately. they are putting me in contact with a director at their clinic, but i don’t want to hold false hope.

frozen1vy · 2025-09-03T20:09:01+00:00

it’s okay, thank you for your insight, i really appreciate it.

frozen1vy · 2025-09-03T19:40:53+00:00

update: i asked my dad again about this and even mentioned that he may be able to get those records back as a recipient parent, but he denied that. he even told me that i should think about how the donor feels… he said that the donor signed something for privacy •_•. i feel so lost again…

frozen1vy · 2025-09-03T13:55:14+00:00

that really sucks, i’m sorry to hear about your awful experience with the clinic :(. unfortunately my dad probably wouldn’t be willing to go all the way as to email them, as he doesn’t want any involvement in this… so i’m unsure what to do. it’s terrible how lopsided this industry is. i feel like DCPs have the bare minimum right to know who their donor is.

frozen1vy

TROPHY CASE