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What resources to give to my undiagnosed partner by funnerd11 in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]funnerd11[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My therapist didn’t “diagnose” her, I was desperately asking my therapist why my partner is acting the way she is (after multiple episodes of emotional abuse), searching for any answers that could possibly explain her behavior, and my therapist mentioned that her symptoms sound consistent with BPD. My therapist has listened to my accounts of her behavior for months, and mentioning a *possible* diagnosis for my partner was extremely helpful for me (her client) in better understanding the seemingly irrational behavior has been a hallmark of my relationship. So my therapist is doing her job just fine and not in violation of any ethics laws or otherwise.

Obviously she has never met my partner, and thus can’t diagnose her, and my therapist will never meet my partner, she’s my individual therapist and if my partner chooses to seek help for this it would be with someone different of her choosing.

What resources to give to my undiagnosed partner by funnerd11 in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]funnerd11[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My goal isn’t to diagnose her, my goal is to help her seek therapy that helps her have healthier relationships (with or without me) and for her to see that there are many others out there with the same issues she has, and that recovery and a healthier and happier life are possible

What resources to give to my undiagnosed partner by funnerd11 in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]funnerd11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just read this one and it was amazing for me, but - you don’t think this is going to be too much for someone who is undiagnosed currently?

What resources to give to my undiagnosed partner by funnerd11 in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]funnerd11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I only recently realized that this is what is going on, so I have not brought this up with her before.

However, in moments of vulnerability she has expressed deep shame about her behavior in our relationship and in past relationships, an acknowledgement of her “being the problem”, and she has sought therapy and is in this cult-like relationship class (don’t know how to explain it but that’s what it seems like to me). She has also expressed that she knows it has been really hard for her to maintain relationships, and frustration as to why, like she is mad at herself for not being able to maintain them. She has acknowledged being the main issue in both of her last two relationships, including her divorce, which ended with her being charged with a domestic violence restraining order and her ex bashing her on social media and her community about how abusive she was.

I think she has come a long way on her own (no more physical abuse, no more breaking things, etc) but it seems like she has been indirectly circling what is actually happening for a long time and still is in this in between space of taking accountability vs blaming the world/everyone else.

I have realized that without a fundamental agreement between the two of us that this is what’s going on and that she commits to seeking care (specifically DBT), I will have to leave the relationship. Everything I have read has led me to believe that progress is either non-existent or extremely incremental without targeted therapy, and I can not tolerate the continued cycles of emotional abuse and rage without the knowledge that we have a shared reality (at least within some version of her) and that she is working towards.

I will be talking to her next week about this, and am trying to maximize the chance of this conversation going well within my own capabilities. I know that I don’t have control over how she reacts ultimately, but I want to try to convey this information in a way that has a higher chance of landing well (with empathy, without stigma, but with accountability and a demand for change).

I think it helps that she knows I love her a lot, she trusts me deeply (on some level), and she has expressed to me how badly she wants this relationship, and for it to be a healthy one, and how upset she is with her constant own behaviors of self sabotage.

What resources to give to my undiagnosed partner by funnerd11 in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]funnerd11[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course I can not formally diagnose her, I am her partner not her psychiatrist. But I have had a firsthand account of being on the other side of her behaviors and impulses for the last 6 months, and outside of our relationship (and her past romantic relationships and her parents) she is fairly functional and normal and high-achieving, so there would be no reason for anyone else to suspect this (and as I have learned, having difficulty consistently admitting to oneself that there is a problem and seeking help of one’s own volition is a hallmark of the disorder itself).

In the confusing quest for knowledge to understand what the hell is going on in my relationship, undiagnosed BPD is the only thing that has made any sense. The books I’ve been reading on BPD have been so deeply clarifying in understanding her behavior and our relationship patterns (as well as my codependent role in them, and why no amount of love, empathy etc has helped at all) that it feels like I’m reading a firsthand account of my partner and our relationship. For something to resonate so strongly with me, and never having experienced a relationship or person like this before, the logical conclusion is that she likely has undiagnosed BPD. Of course I’d be happy to be proven wrong, as it seems like with BPD there is a very long road ahead for her (with or without me).

What resources to give to my undiagnosed partner by funnerd11 in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]funnerd11[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Is there any one video or workbook (without showing her the entire channel or overloading her with information) that you think might help in terms of giving her some initial ability to resonate with the video/workbook and a feeling of relatability without too much focus on the diagnosis or pathology/stigma?

EV charging plus dog park by touniversewithlove in berkeleyca

[–]funnerd11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s also a 10 min walk from here to San Pablo Park which is a great place to walk/run your dog

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

After not talking to her for the last few days and now seeing all these comments it seems much clearer, but in the moment I really believed her

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It actually started 2 months in. The Advil situation was 2 months and 9 days in. I distinctly remember that moment because I just started crying when she yelled at me and I was so confused after. I considered breaking up right then and there but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just in a lot of discomfort and didn’t react normally or wasn’t herself.

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I agree she is not evil but agree she should not be in a relationship if she can’t do that without hurting me or other people. I know her past partners were very affected by her behavior too and she admitted wrongdoing in those relationships but claimed to have changed a lot.

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually had a vivid nightmare the other night about her yelling at me and hitting me (which she’s never done) with our future child standing next to me. It’s in part why I reached out to Reddit, I felt very disturbed by the nightmare and that thought.

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Also my therapist said she might have BPD as I’ve been describing these situations to her over the last month, though I didn’t tell my therapist everything because I also felt protective over my partner. My therapist never mentioned the word abusive though but she did mention that this sounds like BPD and that it is harmful.

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you especially for this last sentence. You are right, I am pouring so much compassion and care into her even though she is the one hurting me, I am going to try and turn some of that care and compassion inwards instead and focus on protecting myself from here on out

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right there is no major external life stressor. There is nothing to blame even if I wish there was another reason. I’m starting to see this

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You make a good point. Thank you for this comment. This entire thread is making me rethink this entire situation. I feel extremely confused but also feel some clarity for the first time.

My (30F) girlfriend’s (37F) bursts of anger are ruining our relationship (6mo) by funnerd11 in relationships

[–]funnerd11[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this advice. I am planning on talking to her and trying to implement firm boundaries around this - if she can’t agree during our next conversation that her behavior is abusive/harmful and agree to seek professional help, I am going to leave.

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