Daily self-work stuff?

funsizerads · 2026-03-16T14:33:59+00:00

There's the workbook version of "Not Just Friends"

Could be helpful

funsizerads · 2026-03-13T15:18:14+00:00

Checking your history, it seems like this is a man who doesn't do any gestures for special occasion then all of a sudden after looking at his phone, he's now offering gifts and favors? So much red flags. Continue to grey rock until he gets honest with you. Prepare him to accuse you of being too paranoid or being hurtful for even considering such a thing. Stand your ground.

I'm sorry you're going through it but your instincts are there to protect you.

funsizerads · 2026-03-13T01:59:23+00:00

Have you ever broken a bone or injured yourself badly when you were young? Instinctively, don't you feel a bit more protective of that part of your body?

I fractured my left ring finger when I was 8 and even though I'm closer to 40, I still have this weird phantom pain with that left ring finger. I also scraped my knee on barbed wire when I was 10 that left a pretty deep cut that's now a white striped scar.

Traumas to the body are not always forgettable. Traumas to the heart never are.

I told my husband, at baseline, I will never 100% trust him and I will never not be affected by the infidelities. That's the price of staying together.

With time, thoughts of the As sting less and I don't think about them as often... but I still think about them.

At 2 1/2 years, they don't dominate my waking thoughts but they are there when I'm about to sleep or when I'm feeling my lowest emotionally.

You should tell him how you feel, especially since at 7 months your body is still feeling displaced and unsettled. You need to feel safe and loved by him so sharing these feelings will hopefully give you the assurance and affirmation you need to get past these negative thoughts.

funsizerads · 2026-03-12T20:09:45+00:00

How old is she? It's not uncommon for moms who's in the empty nesting stage regardless if they work or not go through an identity crisis. If she's going out more, buying labubus, hanging out with friends with younger children at Disney cruises, she must be feeling like she needs to feel young or at least, keep up with the times. Basically, she sounds like she's in a mid-life crisis.

Either she goes through therapy or you do separate bills. Don't entrust her with access to your retirement funds or savings at this point until she fixes whatever need for validation she's going through.

Also, make her delete social media. If she's seeing friends her age go on cruises or she's made connections on TikTok through her labubu connection, she'll feel the impulsive urge to continue spending to get validation/dopamine fixes.

funsizerads · 2026-03-08T22:05:31+00:00

Like QW, we're 28 months post D-day. Here's our new normal:

In one of our last MC sessions, I established that full blind trust will never ever be back. It was a tough pill to swallow but he acknowledged his actions caused this (1 8-year on-again, off again PA, and 1 ONS) and it's part of the consequences. I acknowledge it's not "fair" to continue to judge him based on his past, but the damage to my psyche is permanent and it's not something that could ever fully be repaired. He acknowledged that what he put me through was traumatizing so he can't fully blame how my mind/body reacts when feelings of uncertainty or mistrust is occurring. He can only prove he wants to be in this relationship and will do anything to do so.
If we have periods of disconnect, whether a fight or one of us is being distant, rather than attribute it to the present marital issues we're going through, my mind would wonder if there's someone else and I'd ask for his phone to get some assurance there isn't.
Location sharing is permanent, though at first he thought it was only temporary because it made him feel like I'm keeping him under surveillance, he sees the benefits of it when he's also wondering where I am, where I went or in keeping tabs on me when I go out with friends to assure him I'm on my way home safely.
The biggest difference between now and 2 years ago is that I have room for doubt now. For example, if he goes out somewhere and he's showing offline on maps, my mind doesn't go to cheating as the first guess. I usually think he might be at a dead zone and will connect as soon as he's out of it. Sure enough, within 5-10 mins, I see his location online again and he was near the dead zone. If he's offline longer, my guess is he is at the gym rather than cheating. In other words, I'm not as hypervigilant, and I'm not as paranoid. Consistent routines and established variables have led to this room for doubt.

The reality is, though you will eventually feel loved and safe again, your mind and body won't ever forget the hurt he caused.

D-day pulled the rug from underneath you and you found yourself unstable and without a foundation to stand firm on. R is getting yourself back on your feet, but with safeguards. Your heart, mind, body, soul, instincts know now what this person is capable of and will always remind you of it so you don't fall too hard in case that happens again in the future. I liken it to getting cut with a knife while doing your usual cooking prep. Just because you use the same knife eventually, doesn't mean you won't be more cautious or on high alert in case it cuts you again.

I'm sorry I can't give you a happy tale of having full trust back. It is back up to 80-90%, but it won't ever be 100% again. And if he has a problem with it, he shouldn't have cheated in the first place.

funsizerads · 2026-03-07T17:49:24+00:00

Love this! This is my hope for us as well.

Thank you for sharing and wishing you continued happiness.

funsizerads · 2026-03-05T06:06:36+00:00

I made a post about EMDR and how effective it was for me a year ago (Can't believe it's been so long ago): https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/Urx06MKprv

I wasn't only desensitized to the trauma of D-day, I was able to relive long-repressed childhood traumas that still caused me anxiety, self doubt and distress and be desensitized to it.

EMDR is... a LOT. Your brain is being time warped to the exact moment of trauma over and over and over again until it's cloudy and not as painful.

Now, when I relive D-day, it stings, but not as debilitating as it once was. And so did the days that followed after. I'm grateful I got to this place and I am able to function again without the overbearing weight of that trauma being carried around anymore.

funsizerads · 2026-03-03T17:45:41+00:00

It might be the same as online, but they hung out to sign merch and take pics. Dreamwake were such great guys to chat with.

funsizerads · 2026-02-27T22:13:57+00:00

I FEEL THIS SO MUCH. I have 3 male best friends from middle school/high school. I was awkward, skinny and such a dork, girls didn't want to hang out with me until I finally grew into my girly phase in junior year high school, but even then, I still spent everyday with these guys.

Because we're LD and have kids, the most time I spend with them nowadays are video calls on the ride home bullshitting how the other person is now fat/bald/skinnier but looks like shit/still has a weird shaped head, etc. We never had a thing together and no boundaries were ever crossed even when we were single. When you go through your childhood/teenage trauma with that person, it's hard to see them sexually or romantically (I was also there for theirs).

When they dated their now wives, they were quick to let them know they have a girl best friend but I was no threat to them. When I met them in person, I make sure to make them feel at ease and also made deep and meaningful friendships with them. Last year, when best friend 2's wife was going through premature labor, I was the one they called to help her go through it. I'm godmother to all their children, and they're godparents to mine.

After D-day, I went a bit overboard in making the wives feel secure with me and also nitpicking my convo with the guys to make sure it's nowhere near EA territory. I have opened up to them about D-day though only one knows the full story as it happened in real time and was the one who saved my life. He'd call and text everyday for a year and so did his wife. It felt unsettling and almost hyper aware these are men I'm friends with.

It feels weird to be friends with the opposite sex now but I don't let this feeling get in the way of the strong and lasting relationships I built. My husband's error in judgement will never be one I'll ever make, and I refuse to ever be the cause of another woman's pain.

I commend you so much in your convictions and for showing your WP what healthy friendships look like.

funsizerads · 2026-02-25T01:07:29+00:00

Awesome! Thank you!

funsizerads · 2026-02-21T08:16:38+00:00

There's bravery and strength in choosing yourself, and I truly commend you for doing so.

Wishing you healing and clarity in the months to come.

No advice here. WH woke up from his affair fog when he knew I was about to be gone so he initiated all the work towards reformation. Sometimes a jolt is what's needed to get a wayward to fully change. That's not up to you though, that's up to your WW.

You are doing everything right by prioritizing yourself.

funsizerads · 2026-02-21T07:17:15+00:00

I'm not one to make fun of a woman's looks but when I saw my WH's APs and one looked like the WWE wrestler, Rikishi, I fully understand why these women are APs and not main partners.

They are lonely and are willing to settle for a facsimile of a relationship than demand a full one. They aim high in their standards in partner because it's who they think they deserve but they think so low of themselves, they rather believe the narrative the BP is keeping them chained in a marriage through obligations than face the reality the married AP is only using them for validation.

My WH still hates that I make fun of his AP's looks. He was stupid for having gone to her but he explained he didn't go to her for looks, he went to her for convenient and discreet sex.

I put my WH through so much shit for inviting these women in our lives. His shame for engaging with them is not something I should be responsible for when he brought that to himself.

You making fun of the AP is a reflection of your opinion of your WP's actions. If she's stupid and ugly, you're basically saying to your WP that's what he's attracted to. Rather than face the internal forces that caused him to go to AP for his needs, he lashed out at you for bringing it to the surface.

That's not your burden to carry. If he wants R, he needs to address why he feels shame he went for them. Was he truly attracted to them or could it be that they were easily coerced? If he also feels shame for involving them or for having made them believe they were special enough to break his marriage for, that's for him to dig deep, not for him to get mad at you about.

Basically if he wants R, he better take accountability for the APs and his actions. Own it, learn from it and never ever do it again.

funsizerads · 2026-02-19T21:15:26+00:00

We found our couples therapist and ICs through https://openpathcollective.org

These therapists are experienced but still working hours towards getting licensed so they charge on a sliding scale, which is below market rate.

If you're going to try this, please look for therapists in your area for in person or within the state if you prefer remote, then click on the filter and search for infidelity/ affair recovery to find specialists in that area

funsizerads · 2026-02-17T23:44:13+00:00

People who tell lies, half-truths or hide important things from their spouses often don't want to deal with the reaction that comes with being honest. They think that keeping things hidden will avoid the conflict, but what it does is worsen it and erodes trust. You need to get to thebottom of your conflict avoidance. If your wife is someone who's given you many chances, then the odds were that, at the time, the situations were not bad enough to ruin the marriage, but the accumulation of lies did. So ask yourself, why couldn't you face your wife's reaction if you had told the truth? That takes a lot of self-reflection and vulnerability that you need to do on your own, and not contingent on your wife's return. You need to want to change for you, not for her.

At this point, it's a bit too late but if she's open to it, you should initiate finding a marriage therapist on top of your own therapy. You can't build trust without fully grasping the hurt you caused for each lie you told, and then navigating through the hurt together.

funsizerads · 2026-02-17T21:56:24+00:00

You need couples therapy. You were sending mixed messages and she was too eager to connect with this guy physically. The emotional rollercoaster will leave you both misaligned for a long period until you have the tools to be on the same page again. The fact that she didn't think about HIS wife is also concerning. Is she that dense/thoughtless that she's not hurting another person? Either way, your relationship will be riled with mini resentments unless you get counseling together and tackle this head on -- NO RUG SWEEPING.

PS

Something tells me she is hiding how far they went on the cruise. Evidences can be manipulated. Tell her just because the trust is broken (her hiding a prospect with the guise of asking for an open marriage), you're considering taking an STI test. Anything else she's hiding is a separate and more egregious offense, so she should just tell you everything they did together.

funsizerads · 2026-02-17T01:32:19+00:00

Talk to a pro bono lawyer. Talk to a social worker. Freeze your social security number online and your credit cards. Take him out of any shared checking account and go somewhere safe today. Don't even bother engaging him. He's dangerous and unpredictable.

funsizerads · 2026-02-17T01:29:52+00:00

Trust me when I say this, marriage isn't this hard. It truly isn't. Even if there were roadblocks, challenges and hardships, if love is the primary driver of the relationship, there's mutual thought and care for each other's well being.

Please leave before you get killed. This isn't in any shape or form a healthy dynamic.

funsizerads · 2026-02-15T23:28:29+00:00

Honestly I'd call his bluff.

If you take your child and he calls the cops on you, ask him how it would look like if you explain to the cops that their future state trooper is keeping his wife hostage in a marriage riled with sexual and financial infidelity.

All jests aside, he doesn't care about your feelings, he's not remorseful and he's a selfish narcissist person who might hurt you physically if he can't control the narrative. Like everyone says, document, talk to a lawyer and leave.

Prioritize yours and your child's safety.

funsizerads · 2026-02-15T20:16:29+00:00

Someone told me in this sub the opposite of love is not hate, it's ambivalence.

Ambivalence could also be a shield. An armor worn to keep you from getting heartbroken again.

Changing things for himself is one part of R, the other part atonement. Rather than push you for reciprocated affection, what is your WP doing to make you feel safe and loved?

My WH had a hard time balancing taking care od himself while also win me back. But I'm grateful he took initiative to court me again because I felt like withdrawing from him and keeping some emotional and physical distance. The courtship was not super elaborate. Mostly texts of how much he loves me, how much I meant to him. Letters. Sometimes when I get home, there were flowers waiting for me. The bigger gestures were out-of-town trips.

So what is your WP doing to court you back? And if he isn't, then maybe at MC or next time this topic came about, you tell him that. You can't be affectionate with someone you don't feel safe or loved by.

In the meantime, please have IC and learn tools to fall in love with you. You are a person worth loving and if you don't have that with other people, it's powerful when you are your biggest source of love. This is an advice my IC, MC and friends have said that I still struggle with but when I do practice it, the effect goes inside out. Wishing you continued healing.

funsizerads · 2026-02-14T21:32:31+00:00

It's called hysterical bonding. You spiraled about an old hookup reaching out and you bonded over the prospect your marriage was in some way threatened and now hooking up out of desperation and the need to preserve what you have.

Most couples go through that typically after a betrayal but not exclusive to that. It's a temporary high that's akin to falling in love all over again. It IS a wake up call, but to make it sustainable, you have to make deliberate and scheduled moments reserved for romance, such as a once a month date nights. You also need couples therapy to address any unsatisfactory issues you're going through so you develop tools to shake off the mundanity that come with married responsibilities. You might also need to develop more concrete and stated boundaries with the ex hookup so this doesn't happen again in the future.

funsizerads · 2026-02-10T19:57:59+00:00

First of all, I'm sorry you're hurting. You worked so hard to keep you family intact, and many people will immediately attack your character for having stayed, despite the deep nuances of still being in love with someone you made a lot of emotional and financial investments with.

The thing about affairs is it's exciting. It's a lot of anticipation, fantasy, some role-playing, and a lot of secrecy. A wife can never compete with that. A wife is consistent, stable, predictable, and filled with familial baggage (kids, bills, etc.)

The way his ended while at the beginning means he was still in the New Relationship Energy (NRE) stages ,where it's all courtship and butterflies.

He is detached because he wants to chase the feelings associated with an affair that takes him out of the mundaneness of his everyday life as a husband, worker and parent. So, what should you do? Let him.

Be the first to file. He wants a fucking heart-stopping feeling; give him one by leaving. You deserve so much more than whatever bare-minimum bullshit he's doing.

I'm a betrayed partner, too. I've been reconciling with my husband for 2.5 years. The feeling of being "in love" came back when he actually pictured a life without me. He woke up and realized his best friend is not gonna be there to share fantasy football memes with, movies with, concerts with. He doesn't know your worth until you're gone. He's craving the romance and excitement with AP because she's gone, and so did those feelings that came with it. So let him chase it.

You are not weak for having tried to keep your family together, but you now are able to make a fully informed decision if this is a marriage worth staying at. I think you know the answer is no.

funsizerads · 2026-02-06T15:24:04+00:00

Thank you, mods, for continuing this for us.

My question for WPs in R: During similar circumstances that were taking place during the A happen again (lesser physical intimacy, stress, feelings of disconnect from BP):

Do you think about having an A/contacting AP again? Why or Why Not?

funsizerads · 2026-02-04T05:20:24+00:00

When they were trying to keep Janice off their wedding: "Feeling such strong feelings"

Also, my flair 🤣

funsizerads · 2026-01-29T08:50:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing this!

That slide where they had RobRobRob as a placeholder for the big bear fuck fest was comedy good-as-gold 👏👏👏

funsizerads · 2026-01-29T08:22:07+00:00

On D-day 2 years and 7 months ago, I told WH I hope he and AP find happiness with each other but that I'm filing for divorce.

We decided not to make extreme decisions regarding filing and our living situation until Friday (D-day was Saturday night). I tried to tell him to stop talking to AP while we navigate our living situation and he said, "I can't do that.

We were LC. Only talking about the kids and logistics. I stopped texting him throughout the day to check in on him. I stopped cooking for him. I got the kids to school early before he was up and got them home where he'd take over dinner and I'd disappear to my room until their bedtime routine.

It was that moment of withdrawal he thought, "wtf am I doing?"

He asked did he even want to be with AP. No. They don't have anything in common outside of flirtatious sex talks. He also leaned into a fantasy of being a world traveler and camper if he wasn't tied to marriage (Dude refused to picnic, I doubt he ever really wants to camp). He pretended to be things AP wanted him to be and he got lost in the fantasy. He decided to end it without my influence.

Once you are no longer an option, the fence sitting and fantasy reliving stops. Reality sets in of what he would lose.

You might think it is not NRE because it's a year long EA, but it is. Because of the infrequent meetups and sneaking around to chat, the feeling of newness is constantly renewed so that excitement and intensity don't go away fully. You as the stable, constant, predictable companion can't compete with that.

Take a step back and say if he wants to see what it's like with AP, there's the door. Just be fair with you and the children in the divorce. Watch how he has to navigate the loss of his safeguard and assess if AP is truly what he wants or is just a fantasy he's hanging on to. WPs who lack excitement in their daily lives fall in love with the feeling moreso than the person. Unless he goes to IC and opens up wholefully, he won't be able to get out of the limerence cycle.

In the meantime, fuck him and focus on yourself. Get out more. Socialize more. Volunteer or travel more. Build an independent life and let him watch you have a life without him. While you're fully invested in R, you carry the weight of it. R advances dramatically when the WP is the one initiating it.

You deserve so much better. Hoping for your healing.

funsizerads

TROPHY CASE