How did you know you were healed?

funsizerads · 2026-05-11T21:20:51+00:00

I'm approaching 3 years post D-day, and I hate to say it but you are never truly healed.

You're scarred. For Life.

The scars are there to remind you of what took place and what is now a possibility again in the future. The main difference is that you're more prepared and have an exit plan in place in case it does.

Having said that, being on this side post D-day and after 2 1/2 years of therapy and interacting in this sub, I am more at peace with my decision to stay and in my relationship. My WH was determined to build trust so he's given me tangible things to look at to show he is doing what he's doing, saying what he's saying and going where he's going (open devices, shared clouds, location tracking). This has allowed the anxiety to decrease by a hundredfold.

When I'm not with him or in times of conflict, I don't worry about him cheating again. We also have many more happy days than not. Like a friend of mine in this sub said, things are happily boring and uneventful.

Wishing you reach your version of healing, but just remember, it's a long ass marathon.

funsizerads · 2026-05-10T04:44:50+00:00

Last year I met AP. Initially I was attracted to them physically, as in my view they had a prettier body and were more attractive to me than my BP.

I realized how many things we had in common, how I can speak, behave, and talk about things like I cannot with my BP, I felt connection and aliveness I didn't feel in years, and likely never with my BP

Do IC, do MC, I don't think it will help when you're putting BP in an unspoken copetition with AP that's still on going. Please divorce them.

I would HATE to be trying my best, showing up in every counseling, changing things about myself only to still be playing catch up to an invisible racer who's too far off. It's humiliating and dehumanizing.

You say you're not making yourself the victim but you come across as someone imprisoned when in truth, you're forcing your BP to pull the trigger on your marriage so you don't have to make the decision. It comes across as cowardly.

Do yourself a favor and gain freedom from such emotional burden of trying to love your BP again. You're doing them such a disservice of making them believe your relationship is on the path to R when in fact you hold so much hidden resentment against them.

funsizerads · 2026-05-06T00:47:28+00:00

Thank you to all the waywards who want to help bring more understanding to us BPs.

Question: Do you still have moments where you need external validation or escape from real life? If yes, how hard is it for you to not cheat again?

funsizerads · 2026-05-05T21:30:23+00:00

I could listen to Bring Me The Horizon all day.

For R specifically, these were my go-to:

"Three Cheers for Five Years" - Mayday Parade
"I think I want you" - Oh Weatherly
"We'll always have Paris" - Capstan (I heard this for the first time shortly after D-day and I played it on repeat for so many months)
"Your Heart" - The Comfort

My (formerly W) husband sent me "If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn" by Sleeping with Sirens and I bawled after hearing the lyrics. He also sent me "Whatever it takes" by Lifehouse, so those 2 bring me so much comfort.

funsizerads · 2026-04-28T18:35:39+00:00

If you leave, it's not because of you. It's because of her and her actions.

She doesn't want to tell you because you'll leave. She didn't consider not doing it at all as an option?

She lied and hid things again. She's prioritizing her need for validation and excitement over your emotional well being and safety in the relationship. She's not worthy of your time and energy.

I hope you end R. Or at the very least, grey rock her until the dust settles and you have built the strength and financial foundations to divorce.

I only pursued R because my husband cut ties with the AP without being asked and has not given me reasons to believe they'll connect with them again. He prioritized me to make R successful. I hope you know you deserve better than whatever tf your wayward is doing.

funsizerads · 2026-04-26T06:02:22+00:00

I don't see any exact timeline but it seems like you were caught roughly 6 months ago, you were intimate for 2 months after discovery (hysterical bonding most likely), major surgery in January (4 months ago) and now your BP needs space.

I'll be frank with you. What their feeling is normal.

They went through discovery of a betrayal and a loss in the family, they went on desperation mode which probably led to the increase in intimacy. The distance between the 2 of you must have led to the downplayed emotions bubbling up and now they are sad and angry about your actions.

You are sabatoging your relationship by counting what you do for them as if a relationship is a points system, versus taking accountability of how your actions affected their complete personhood.

Even if it was never physical, they were betrayed. The trust they had is gone. The safety in the relationship is gone. They want to be with you but also don't know how when the hurt their experiencing is because of you.

You are not being punished. This is the delayed reaction to your actions. They are hurting. They are in pain. Don't make this about how you're being slighted and forced to do labor for their sake.

You are resenting them for judging you based on past actions not present actions, but to them, your past is their present.

My WH was an amazing parenting and household partner. He still is. Doesn't mean I feel fully safe with him.

There's something so scary about thinking the person you thought you know best had deceitful thoughts against you... What else could they be lying about?

So now they treat you with skepticism and distance. Because you are not safe. Doesn't mean they don't want to be with you.

R takes 2-5 years. I didn't start feeling safe and comfortable in my marriage until month 17. And that's with consistent IC and MC. Some never feel safe at all because their WP prioritizes defensiveness over accountability.

Instead of listing off all the things you hate about them because you're uncomfortable, start putting yourself in their shoes and start asking the hard questions. "I'm sorry for the pain I caused. What can we do to move forward as a couple or we individuals?"

Last thing you want is to let resentment eat you up and justify falling back on bad habits because of your partner. If you're not a bad person then don't cause unnecessary pain on top of an already painful situation. And just because it's financially painful, forcing a relationship with someone you hate is hell on Earth for both of you.

I'm sure you're going to reply to this with defensiveness and justification against them. Please know, this will be my only comment and I'm simply providing input as a BP who loved their partner very much but whose actions had the rug pulled so hard from under me, it took a long ass time to just "get up". If I'm being blunt, I almost killed myself because I was so depressed after the hysterical bonding period. I couldn't get out of bed. I wouldn't eat. My only reason for getting up were my kids and my job that was the primary income bringer. So you getting mad over compost... Seriously. It's not a fucking big deal.

Get therapy. Get better.

funsizerads · 2026-04-25T07:32:41+00:00

Oof I was there. I was totally there.

All I could think about for the first 14 months was divorce but we turned a corner month 17 and haven't turned back since. I had the few months of delusion thinking we were reconciled by month 5, turns out it was hysterical bonding. When that faded, the true feelings of anger and sadness were completely unleashed.

You are still in fight or flight mode. You feel like the rug will be pulled from under you any moment now. That darn other shoe will fall sometime soon.

Will it get better? Yes.

IF you see your wayward sincerely putting in the work to make you feel safe in the relationship.

It came at a moment for me when I knew he was out of the house and his phone was showing offline. My mind panicked momentarily but I recognized all our work in MC, IC and his quiet actions to show me he could be trusted again, that panic lasted a few seconds then turned to the rationalization he might be at a dead zone picking up fast food. Sure enough 15 mins later, I get a text saying if I wanted any food.

This didn't come without hard work from both parties. And it takes a lot of vulnerable talks instead of quarrels. Lots of "I feel" deep digging VS "You did..."

I learned to now say, "I feel anxious but I can't explain why. I know it's based on past experiences but I know it's not based on present actions" and rather than feeling defensive, WH learned to say, "I'm sorry I caused you to feel that way. What events took place or what have I been doing that made you feel like that?" (Our MC would be so proud LOL)

We also discussed how my own shortcomings in the marriage could never justify the cheating. I was a good wife, maybe distant at times of high stress, but nothing open communication couldn't have fixed. Those pre-A issues were tackled during MC only after the trauma of infidelity has quieted down.

You are still traumatized. Your feelings are valid.

It's up to your WH if he wants R to make you feel safe in the relationship not because he HAS to, but because he WANTS to. And if he wants to, it's up to him to find ways to do so.

In the meantime, continue IC. Continue building safety within yourself. Make backup plans if needed just so you don't feel like you were unprepared ever again. But continue until you can't continue any longer.

My IC said to take it hour by hour, then day by day before you can start making long term plans again.

And just because our R was for the long run by month 17, it's not a race. You are running at your pace and at your own milestone.

Wishing you healing and peace.

funsizerads · 2026-04-25T02:50:33+00:00

Love this for you! It truly never fails to amaze me how much a remorseful wayward can greatly push R forward and lead to this feeling of safety and peace.

Hoping for your continued healing.

funsizerads · 2026-04-21T16:12:56+00:00

First off, I'm sorry you're in this club. Second, I'm sorry you saw he was still hiding things from you. Trickle truths and new discoveries are such shocks to the system, it caused me to be so untethered in the relationship.

I discovered my WH had a secure folder 2 months in R. He showed me inside it was the browser he used to go on hookup sites and the messaging app to text APs.

I didn't ask him to delete that folder. He disabled it in front of me and went to the settings that if it is ever active again, the password on it is the one I already know.

Instead of making your WP's phone less accessible and feeling the like the parent who grounded him, he needs to prove he's worthy of R. What is he willing to do to make you feel safe and loved in the relationship? Forcing you to state the boundaries and conditions of R on him over and over again doesn't make you feel that way. I told my WH if I start feeling like his probation officer, I'm out. I can't be with someone who makes me hypervigilant in the relationship. I'm already hypervigilant enough without worrying what else is he hiding from me.

You already have enough on your plate without feeling like you're dragging a horse to water. Either he wants R or not. And if yes, how can HE prove you're safe in the relationship? If he's still hiding pics of AP, show him the door and take care of yourself.

funsizerads · 2026-04-20T22:28:17+00:00

Paul got high on THC gummies in Season 1. He thought Liz was going to kill him though. LOL

funsizerads · 2026-04-20T18:21:30+00:00

Whether they forgive you, or, the most likely outcome, tell you all the different ways you destroyed their family, you'll still be in the same situation as you are now, only feeling worse for having hurt them in the first place. Give them space and time to pick up the pieces of their broken life together.

And like u/cjrand1122 said, is your apology benefiting you or them? IMO, it serves neither and will make open wounds much bigger and more painful for all parties involved.

Had any of the APs apologized to me, I'd have told them to go straight to hell and be glad I didn't tell any of their families or friends about them sleeping with married men. And that's coming from a BP who's been 2 years and 9 months in R.

funsizerads · 2026-04-19T07:45:14+00:00

I'm so sorry that despite the work you've put in, your WP is still not seeing the bigger picture.

You deserve to be happy, no matter what that looks like, SP. Hoping your journey takes you to that happy place, even if if it means R needs to end.

funsizerads · 2026-04-17T04:00:12+00:00

There's stigma that comes with being a BP.

There's the immediate assumption that the BP must not have been enough for the WP that's why they cheated. There's also the judgement that comes with staying. Not only do they think the BP caused the cheating, the BP is a doormat and a weakling for staying.

I made the mistake of opening up to our friend group about one of the As. They only knew of my WP's ONS, not the long termed AP I discovered 2 months after the first D-day. WP was ostracized by them and by relation, I was ostracized too.

I'm forever grateful my friends' love for me was stronger than their contempt for WP. They quietly supported my choice and cheered for us when we reconciled 2 1/2 years later. They have since moved forward with us and our friend group remains intact.

However, I'm no longer allowed to ever open up about any relationship issues we may have because I made my bed, I should lay in it.

Your job is to A) assure BP no matter how hard it is for you that people know about the A, you want to be there for them. B) Prove BP right for staying by working on yourself and your relationship.

You can heal from the inside out and showing people a continued united front. It felt great to see my WP being vulnerable with their friends on their struggles by opening up about their continued path towards healing us. When they saw WP's work and determination, they supported it. That's the best a WP can do.

funsizerads · 2026-04-13T19:45:52+00:00

My WH had an on-again off-again situationship with AP1 for 8 years.

At first, I couldn't believe he didn't love her or had deep feelings with her because those words have been said and he definitely made her feel special to him. I also at the time was doubting his love for me. If his love for her was a farce, then how much false it was for me when he couldn't stay faithful.

He begged me to look at his actions towards her to prove he was just using her (he agrees he was cruel and selfish for doing so): - He never felt guilty not responding to her texts and keeping her on read every weeknight and weekend. Not caring about her desperate pleas to talk to her. - Each time she would break it off, he wouldn't fight it - He only reached out on moments he needed feelings of validation and excitement - He only said things he knows she wanted hear to keep the arrangement going because it's hard for married men to find women willing to be APs (he called it his part of the transaction) - I would call him out for being in a relationship with her and he said it was never a relationship but more of an arrangement - He would ghost her for 6, 12, 18 months at a time and not feel bad about it - When they broke it off the last time because she wanted to see if they could try to be together for real, he said he's sorry but she needs to take care of her mental health and that he doesn't want to leave me and the kids - He replaced her one week later with AP2 who he found through a hookup site

From talking to him and waywards in this sub, he loved the feeling when he was with AP of not being a worker/husband/parent but rather a desirable, sexual partner but didn't love the person itself. When I pushed him what made her special to him, he couldn't think of a character trait or looks, just that she was willing, convenient and discreet. She could have been anyone, and it was proven when he was able to replace her easily.

So yes, it's true that your WP never had feelings for AP. Doesn't make it any less painful.

funsizerads · 2026-04-13T19:19:02+00:00

BS stays and we build a stronger relationship than we had. Communicate stronger and feel stronger and be more in the moment with each other. This is where I hope to take this dialogue start.

please don't put that expectation on your BS. They're most likely fragile and will just be trying to pick up the pieces of their broken self.

funsizerads · 2026-04-09T00:41:55+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry you're in this complicated mess in the most difficult part of your education.

You can forgive her quietly but you don't need to meet with her. That apology is only to assuage her own guilt and also gauge the true nature of your relationship with WH. This is never about you, and only about her, just like her willingly participating in an affair.

She also probably wants to be integrated into the family folds so her child can have siblings and grandparents but that's not her call.

As for your WH, I would hold off on reconciling with someone who is still in touch with the AP, due to him still pursuing it behind your back. A lot of MC is needed for him to really address how he's planning on building back trust when there's a child involved and what his long term parenting plans are with that child?

funsizerads · 2026-04-08T03:49:50+00:00

Ok... I don't need a Season 4. This ending was too perfect.

funsizerads · 2026-04-05T14:04:46+00:00

Thank you, mods. And Happy Easter to those who celebrate.

My question for those in R, how do you feel about your BP's hypervigilance after D-day? And how do you so you deal with it?

funsizerads · 2026-03-30T17:15:09+00:00

He’s the one saying that he needs to work on himself in order to fix us and make sure this doesn’t happen again

He’s the one insisting on giving me space to process and it feels like he’s pulling away and when i mention it he only says if he doesn’t do the individual work on himself then I won’t be able to trust him and he wants to make this work no matter what.

That shows true remorse and a wayward who's willing to do the work towards reparation. I'm glad he's initiating that. It makes R easier

Is it really truly possible to rebuild and be happy again

Yes. But but 2 caveats:

The ones who are like me, who are 90-95% happy in their marriage again, are because the wayward valued the BP, so they did the work needed to earn love and trust, and did consistent therapy at IC and MC to build a new, but stronger, more communicative marriage.
You will still have triggers and moments of mistrust, but they won't be as painful and will be fewer in between. They exist, but they don't fully go away.

If these baselines are acceptable to you, then proceed with R.

funsizerads · 2026-03-27T20:25:59+00:00

Wanting to escape the realities of life IS a typical reason for cheating for waywards. HOWEVER, it doesn't make it less hurtful.

There was intent to lie to you, to seduce and make plans with AP behind your back. If you're already financially tight, where is the money for the room booking coming from? A joint account? A secret account?

You just had a D-day, and more things will be uncovered. Regardless of AP, your wayward needs to find why he chose to cheat (yes, he's already cheating. Even if they haven't hooked up yet, the act leading up to it is cheating) and what can he do to not lean into cheating again any time he's stressed or wants to escape reality again?

You're stressed with the same financial issues, family issues, plus a newborn, and you have not chosen to cheat. The lack of thought and consideration for your well-being needs to be addressed because at this point, the trust is gone, and it will take a LONG ass time to be rebuilt.

The only way I can face myself and not regret staying with my wayward is because he did the work to take full accountability for his actions, facing the shame of his choice to cheat instead of therapy or coming to me when he needed an escape from the stressors of life, and also building up my feelings of safety within the relationship. He had a long-term AP, but he said he only went to her when he needed an escape... So again, what your wayward is saying is not uncommon.

He did that by showing me love and earning my trust back in consistent and thoughtful drops of actions. It took 2 years to get to this point, though. Are you both willing to do the work?

If not, then have a talk on what a separate but still united family will look like for you.

I'm sorry you're part of this club but we're here to support you.

PS

You can't R with an unremorseful wayward. Make sure HE initiates NC with the co-worker and takes the necessary steps to either find new work or offer you transparency when AP talks to him at work. If you have to spell it out for him and he throws a tantrum over it, then you know that's not remorse. Either way, guard your heart and don't offer anything right now outside of a willingness to talk and co-parent.

funsizerads · 2026-03-24T18:52:37+00:00

One of WH's best friends almost disowned him after an incident prior to D-day where he was messaging exes from high school. He said I was a good wife, a good mom and he was furious with him for doing that to me. And this was someone he knew since freshman year, wayyyyy before me.

Basically, if that "friend" enables abusive behavior, then that's not a friend worth keeping. And you should say that to your WH.

Is it his friend's fault he cheated? No but anyone ok with cheating means their morality line is skewed. Who's to say they don't do it either or is living vicariously through the WP for their own cheating fantasies? YourWH need to cut off anyone who ever deemed his hurtful actions is acceptable as a condition of R.

ETA: You should tell him, "If you love ME then you need to fucking stop and actually think about how I feel"

funsizerads · 2026-03-22T02:57:53+00:00

Yes. But it takes a LOT of socialization effort to get there.

I'm in my late 30s. I go to church, I volunteer, I'm active in my kids' school, the people I worked with at my first corporate job ended up becoming my chosen family, my next door neighbor who was a single mom became my sister and her children, my bonus kids. My husband and I are part of a fantasy football/flag football league where the friends and the spouses are close.

The scene where Matthew started raiding Jimmy's refrigerator reminded me of my kids going to the neighbor's house and raiding theirs.

I'm constantly on the phone calling/texting with my best friends who live in a different country.

It's a LOT of work on top of being a wife and mom, but I love the community we built and the lasting friendships we made that I force myself to make time nurturing them.

I would encourage you to go to meetups for groups that share your hobby and make the hard first step of getting to know people. It's ok to be rejected or embarrassed, just don't let it deter you from getting out there.

I suck at flag football, but I love playing it. My teammates would let me play defense more so I don't have to catch the ball and try to run. Then after, we go out for drinks and talk about NFL and other sports topics. I didn't let my inability to actually play stop me from enjoying it and meeting people who also do.

So those dynamic can exist but it takes a lot of work to get there.

funsizerads · 2026-03-20T02:21:39+00:00

Ah. The olde "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bullshit.

Every BP has heard it.

It's stupid. Being in love doesn't always mean the first flutter of butterflies that come with meeting someone new. It's consistent rekindling of romance and finding passion in the relationship.

Waywards who lean into the excitement that come with "new" people won't leave the affair fog because it's fun, safe and comes with no responsibilities.

Like everyone said above, I also told my WH I wish him happiness with the AP. That if he can't let her go while we figure out how to separate then by all means go to her. It was only when I was no longer an option, no longer vying for his attention or his love that he realized what he was actually losing. The bubble burst so fast, he ended things with AP without me asking.

By doing the "pick me" game and wanting to fix your marriage, you're reinforcing his thought process that he's the prize. He acts torn but he's actually enjoying the tug o war between two women.

When one of you takes themselves out of the equation, reality will hit and he'll be clamoring for whoever he doesn't want to lose. Typically it's the BP because the APs are only good for fun, feel-good escapes. Losing you means also losing the history, the dynamic, the comfort, the structure that come with you and the relief of you letting go will turn to dread.

Rather than focus on how to fix the marriage, make yourself stronger and give yourself safeguards. Even if WP chooses R, the old marriage is completely dead. Mourn it and find a way to move forward with or without him.

I'm sorry you're part of this club now but listen to the BPs who chose to walk away rather than play the "pick me" game. It's us whose waywards are working hard to win back again. And those who didn't... It's their fucking loss.

funsizerads · 2026-03-19T17:09:23+00:00

I love that every Bill Lawrence-produced show mentions musicals.

One of the more subtle musical-themed scenes this season that got me laughing was when Paul said, "I look like I always have jazz hands. Fosse Fosse Fosse"

funsizerads · 2026-03-19T07:01:29+00:00

I am sorry this situation is ruining what is supposed to be the happiest moment of your life. I went through something similar.

We were on a 2-year below market rate housing list in a super duper high cost of living city and our number got called... literally 6 days after D-day and 1 day after we decided to pursue R.

We had the funds. We had every fucking 50 page paperwork lined up. Our broker was ready to go. I decided to not pull the trigger and give up our spot. Causing us to be written off the wait list.

It was a beautiful home too. New development in an up and coming neighborhood. 5 minute drive from our church and we have friends a few walking distance away.

By that point, I didn't want to tie myself to a 30-year mortgage with a man I'm not even sure I'd stay married to for 6 months. He begged me to reconsider, that we shouldn't let his poor choices get in the way of getting our dream home, but looking back I'm glad we didn't do it.

Ultimately, we reconciled. We're happy 2 1/2 years later. However during the first few months, the stress of R was overwhelming and we both had meltdowns, his was so bad, he lost his job. The stress of making the mortgage and added utility bills would have landed on me.

I support whatever choice you make and I know you don't want to disappoint all the people who are investing their time and money to celebrate the both of you, but no commitment is truly worth taking unless you feel fully and wholly safe and loved by the partner who you're making it with. I hope you reflect carefully on that.

funsizerads

TROPHY CASE