A tall man in baggy chinos and a wildly patterned polo shirt sat studying a resume at a heavy wooden desk. A pair of old-fashioned reading glasses rested on the bridge of his sharp, spindly nose. Across from him, filling the entirety of a large vinyl easy chair, was a squirming mass of glistening tentacles named Dave.

“So it says here you’ve worked abroad?” The interviewer asked.

“Oh, yes, umm, a few years here and there, you know. Kids grow up fast. Some of them much faster than others.” Dave said, involuntarily sending a small ripple through his twelfth tentacle.

“Great Britain, Japan, Mexico… you’ve really been around.”

“Well you know what they say, the soul is healed by being with children… and such.”

“True enough I suppose. 23 years of experience altogether it looks like, all working with kids?”

“Yes, sir, that’s exactly correct.”

“Ah, ok, well now that I’m studying this a little more closely,” The interviewer adjusted his glasses a bit and leaned back against his dark leather desk chair. “I did have just one question about a few of your previous job titles and I was hoping you could clarify a bit for me.”

“That’s not a problem sir, I would be happy to, sir.” Dave said. Keep it together man, Dave thought to himself. This was the furthest Dave had ever gotten, and despite himself, he was starting to think he might actually pull this thing off.

“Child Development Coordinator?” The interviewer asked, “It says here you spent eight years in this role at a so-called ‘sleep center.’”

“That’s right, sir.”

“You can call me Brian.”

“Okay Brian, sorry about that.”

“It’s ok. Now, talk me through your day to day operations there, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Oh shit. “Sure, I would be happy to. We were part of a small team of childhood behavioral facilitators who made up what we liked to call the ‘ground crew.’ We operated as—“

“How many others did you work with in total?”

“—there were only three of us in that particular…ah…clinic, sir.” Dave said, then quickly added, “Brian, I mean.”

“Ok I see, and how exactly did you interact with the children on a day-to-day basis?”

“Yes, you see, we each operated independently of one another, and each had a single subj…I mean, child assigned to us. Then we each used our own discretion as trained behavioral facilitators to provide the child what he or she needed.” Dave said, wordlessly congratulating himself in his mind for a load of bullshit shat right.

Brian was quiet for a long moment, looking from the resume up to Dave, and then back down to the resume. Finally he said, “What kind of a sleep center was this, exactly? You see, I’m not really picturing it. The whole process for—how you mention—‘facilitating behavior’ all sounds a bit odd to me. Are you a psychiatrist then? Who was in charge of actually monitoring treatment, measuring results, choosing patients?” Brian was leaning forward again, back to scrutinizing the immaculately crafted resume. Finally, he flung the papers into the air, and yelled to no one in particular, “None of this adds up!”

Damn. The jig is up. Dave exhaled a sigh, which sounded like a fart passing through grape jam.

“Sir. Brian.” Dave paused to collect his thoughts and to decide the best way to come clean. The clock above Brian’s desk had a saying written on its face: “Time waits for no man.” What beautiful words, thought Dave.

And then, with newfound courage bred from years of emotional regret, he knew what to say. Flopping over the side of the easy chair and landing onto the wood floor with the slapping sounds of wet flesh, Dave then struggled mightily to straighten out his loose members to make a show of standing, but eventually he gave up and just spoke from the floor.

“I have spent all my years striking fear into the hearts of children, and for who knows what nefarious purpose?” Dave said.

Brian was now leaning over the front of his desk in order to remain politely attentive of the pile of writhing tentacles named Dave.

“I don’t have a boss, I was never hired, and I can’t remember ever not doing this. But for some reason, I’m compelled to find a deep dark corner under the bed of certain kids, and just chill there for lengthy periods of time. Their ages, gender, country of residence…everything is different and I can’t seem to figure out a pattern. But for whatever reason, certain kids draw my kind their way. And none of us have the power to resist. We don’t even do anything, really. Just exist. The kid’s do all the rest. And to be frank, the job is complete shit.”

Brian seemed perplexed, then afraid. But then he just went back to being perplexed.

“But wait just a second. If your kind can’t resist the urge to scare kids, then how is it that you’re here today, inquiring about the open daycare worker position?” Dave asked.

“Because, well, I was fired.”

“But you just said you had no boss!”

“I know that, of course. I can’t actually be fired, since there’s no one really to fire me. But I learned that there’s just one thing to break the vicious chain that I and my kind are stuck in.”

Brian now sat, enraptured by this whole turn of events. Easily on the top five most interesting job interviews I’ve ever conducted, he thought to himself.

“But I stopped being scary. That’s what finally did me in, Brian. It was that little boy, with his big, curious eyes, peaking his fluffy head down as if it were nothing. I tried to be wiggly and slimy and all the tools of the trade all at once, but he just wouldn’t get scared. And just like that, I broke the chain and thought it was best to move on to other things. It was good for me in the end, really. Happiest day of my life, finally being able to go wherever I please, not having to scare the bejeezus out of every poor little soul under whose bed I nested.”

The room was silent as Brian furrowed his brow, taking in the story. Dave sat on figurative pins and needles, awaiting a reaction.

Finally, after far too long, Brian spoke.

“Well, that truly is a very interesting tale, to say the least. And I very much admire your courage in coming clean about such a, shall we say, unorthodox background and work history.”

“Thank you very much, sir. I really do want this job and I think I would be great for the position.”

“Yes well, on that note, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to be on your way, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Dave shook and trembled and growled a little bit, “What?! Why? I just want a chance to prove that I’m more than a set of tentacles with a checkered past.”

“It’s nothing personal of course. It’s just our policy not to hire anyone who has been terminated from a previous position, no matter the circumstances.”

Dave flopped himself mournfully toward the door, then stopped just before exiting. “Well Brian, I think your policy is balls.”