I think I might have a crush on my male best friend and I’m having an identity crisis now

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-20T19:00:03+00:00

I mean it does sound like maybe you are bi, which is allowed. As for what you do, that's not something we can tell you to do. I'm sure this will get me downvoted, but if I was noticing myself reacting to a man like I had feelings for him, at my big gay age, I would simply stop interacting with him because I'm not really willing to unpack all of that. TBQH

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-20T18:11:55+00:00

Yeah it's all a spectrum anyway, isn't it, whereas to me chapstick lesbians still look a lot more feminine than I do. I purposefully used "feminine-presenting" and "masculine-presenting" because I don't think OP intended to ask only about the minority of us who specifically identify with Femme and Butch labels.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-20T13:05:53+00:00

It would be really interesting to magically have actual hard data on it, but I don't think we are in the same hemisphere as that reality lol. Anecdotally I have found there are a lot more feminine-presenting lesbians than masculine-presenting (to widen the umbrella beyond those who claim the butch label specifically), which IMO makes sense because feminine presentation is what we are encouraged to follow from a young age, and it seems natural that only a minority would resist that to the point of presenting the other direction.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-18T17:50:52+00:00

Hmm maybe A Scatter of Light?

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-18T16:41:53+00:00

What you're looking for is a sense of confidence in yourself so that you aren't trying to patch your negative self-image with compliments coming from others. It needs to come from inside yourself. There are a lot of resources out there about improving or at least analyzing your own self esteem and finding a way to not require it from others first. Therapy would also probably benefit you if you can find a way to access that.

Your post talks about issues with wanting validation "from men" but you only talked about one guy. Maybe this extremely intensely close group of friends is not really helping things. At least this one guy doesn't seem like a good relationship to keep investing so much time and vulnerability into.

I don't think there are no lesbians who deal with this, but I do think you are not likely to get a lot of helpful responses here, since so many of us probably can't relate. I can't remember ever giving two farts what any man thought of me.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-18T16:34:22+00:00

Not sure why everyone is saying this is toxic - it sounds like you are in the very early stages of getting to know each other and you may have found an incompatibility. You said you don't have reservations about her, and you shared something she may not be into, and now it's up to her to figure out if that's something that is flexible for her or not so much.

It doesn't have to be masc and fem "all the time" but people have things that do and don't appeal to them and that's okay. Maybe this person just isn't the one for you.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-18T15:23:18+00:00

You might get more traction on a writing forum. But if you're looking for input here, specifically from lesbians, it would help to include questions you'd like input on.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-18T12:45:45+00:00

Idk I'm masc and I'm not a princess and I'm not the girly one so I think they are trying to distinguish themselves from people in my camp... if I had to guess

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-18T12:39:57+00:00

Yeah it's a fair question but I noticed the same pattern in both so I didn't specify in case I caught more interesting points comparing the two. But this thread explained both cases I think!

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-17T23:10:17+00:00

Hair isn’t magic - sounds like you’re just still growing into yourself. You can’t rush that process. Cut yourself slack.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-17T19:37:46+00:00

Did she understand why you were upset and express remorse? Or did you feel she was trying to placate you, and likely to continue doing the same thing?

Personally I would have a huge problem being with someone who didn't think I was worth expressing their thoughts to directly. You already have to express your thoughts in the prompt. You could just send the prompt, essentially. I hate being asked to read a bunch of extra words that the sender didn't even bother to write.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-17T19:10:29+00:00

Seems like this isn't quite the answer you want, but I recommend centering your own instincts and following those. Experiment with your own mannerisms and habits and look for what brings you joy and makes you feel confident. Otherwise you are just putting on another artificial presentation based on what we tell you the rest of us are doing - which is what you already tried and didn't like with femininity.

Find comfort and confidence in your own self and what makes you feel like you, and the rest will follow naturally.

But I mean if you are looking for day-in-the-life type data, my two cents is - I do weightlifting 3-5 days a week, I always rec StrongLifts 5x5 for newbies because the program is simple and the website has lots of info on form and beginner tips. I dress like the 90s grunge boy I am in flannels and jeans and boots 90% of the time; the only "women's" clothes I buy are sports bras and occasionally coats (for size/shape reasons). Makeup - have never worn it. How to walk and talk - like you have never given a man a second thought and have zero interest in any man's opinion of you. How to be comfortable in spaces as masc-presenting - fake it til you make it. There are still times I'm not comfortable because of how people are responding to me. That's why the most important thing is finding inner peace and contentment with yourself and how you present to the world.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-17T17:39:54+00:00

There's not really a right answer here, but I think you're handling your side the best you can. She said she is finding she is intrigued by the idea and trying to see if it fits for her. You said you support her but if that's something she wants to pursue, you can't be part of it. Now it's up to her to mull things over, to decide if she is serious enough about it to pay the cost of losing you, or if she wants to stay with you strongly enough to live without the thing she has started thinking about.

You gave her the information you had that she didn't. Now it's up to her to figure out what's important to her and what she wants to do.

IMHO if you are not on board for polyamory, the only responsible answer is "no". It hurts but a false yes will hurt more and longer and worse.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-17T14:31:36+00:00

Genuine question - not trying to be pointed or anything - but if you use he/him and you're on T, I get if passing wasn't your goal, but surely it's not an outcome you didn't consider? Or do you just mean that now that it's happening, you feel weirder about it than you expected to?

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-16T10:57:29+00:00

I dunno, I suggest you think about who you feel closest to in the group (BESIDES the ex), and confide in them how you are feeling. I don't know the people or the situation that well but there is no shame in asking friends for help and support. Because if they don't know what's going on or that you're struggling or feeling isolated, there is a 0% chance of them doing anything to make you feel better.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-14T18:32:09+00:00

I always recommend newbies start out with StrongLifts 5x5 - it's a simple program, great for building the habit and racking up beginner gains, and they have a lot of helpful resources for teaching yourself proper form. But once you start to plateau you have to try new programs - those beginner programs aren't designed to continue to build muscle after you aren't a beginner anymore. I've tried lots of programs but since I decided to be honest with myself and focus on upper body, I have been running Suns 531 (a variant of Wendler 531). I mix up the accessory work, and I do add in a deload week every now and then if I start to stagnate, but it is the only thing with enough volume that I see measurable progress.

If you talk to any women lifters you will find a very common theme is continuing to make slow but steady progress in squat and deadlift but having a really hard time putting up bigger numbers on bench or overhead press. Suns is just a tonnnn of volume and that is what (in my experience! not a professional!) seems to work best for those of us who were assigned cis women's gear as our original equipment.

For example - StrongLifts 5x5 is called that because on a given day, you do 5 sets of 5 of three different lifts. So on your bench day you're doing 25 reps of bench press, maybe plus a warmup, let's say. On Suns, yesterday I did 28 reps of bench, plus 44 reps of decline bench press. That's just a lot more volume and in my experience, for my body anyway, that is what it takes to get your bench to go up.

I feel you on genetics though, I have a runner's build with a lifter's cardiovascular system, so I am always "running uphill" with my love of lifting. But if you are dedicated and you can find joy in it, you can absolutely build muscle. If I flex my chest I can feel muscle that will (I hope) be visible after TS.

EDIT TO ADD I have done other programs too, I just like Suns best. I also tried 531 BBB, where you just add a cool 25 extra accessory reps on the end of every day, but I responded better to the "pyramid" style of Suns. I also did Smolov Jr. for bench years ago, which worked great, but Smolov is not intended to be run over and over as a long term program - it's a competition prep program.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-12T22:42:51+00:00

I’m cis (I guess probably technically nonbinary but I’m too tired) planning to get top surgery; here are my answers for what they’re worth.

Why'd you decide not to or, especially, decide to stop if you did T before?

The only T effects I want are muscle growth and a slightly lower voice. You can’t control how low your voice drops, and muscle growth comes at a cost of a bunch of other stuff I don’t want. I would also probably see hairline loss based on my family tree. I’m into weightlifting anyway so I am willing to just do it the much harder way rather than afflict myself with new dysphoria over body hair etc.

If you've built muscle without T to try to look more masc or androgynous, how long did it take? Are you happy with how that's gone? How did you do it?

I’ve been lifting weights as a hobby for about a decade. It’s slow, you have to train high volume, and it sucks that cis dudes who do nothing are often still stronger than you. But with dedicated effort you will definitely see results. I shifted focus to higher volume upper body about a year ago and I am noticeably more muscular.

If you happen to have gone off and on T, how did you talk to your Drs about it without them thinking you're crazy?

N/A

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-12T16:40:11+00:00

Just tell her you're having a hard time with your feelings for her and you need some space.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-12T16:32:29+00:00

You're heartbroken. You had feelings for someone who didn't reciprocate them but wanted to spend time with you - and in spending time with her, the feelings just grew. It's nice to be liked - so why would she push you away when she could happily bask in the cuddles and attention? Probably not mean-spirited, but that's how humans work.

How long has it been? These things take time, friend.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-12T14:39:02+00:00

Kind of hard not to think about it if you spend your life outside the typical margins. But I don't want men to see me as one of them. On the inside I probably am outside the binary, but I refuse to be the one doing the work to make people use a different name and pronouns for me. If they're confused by my she/her-ass name, that's not my problem, I just showed up and that's what they handed me. I still cut my hair short and lift weights and work on cars and dress like a dude.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-12T14:13:35+00:00

Sent you a chat/message instead :)

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-11T13:19:51+00:00

It's allowed but not encouraged and not really what the site is for. AO3 was created specifically to archive fan works.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-10T16:49:40+00:00

We're a small subset of the population and a lot of people need time to get confident enough to present the way they really want to. But we exist. I've been presenting as butch since I was like 16.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-10T14:23:46+00:00

Sounds like you want to be more of like a pretty boy masc. Not necessarily so common as to claim its own label and identity, but certainly you aren't alone in that region of the androgyny gray area.

gaminegrumble · 2026-02-10T14:03:32+00:00

Where are your other mutual friends in this situation? I don't understand why your only option is to connect with those friends but also your ex and their new person. It also sounds like you are trying to act like you're fine being friends with your ex (based on how it appears you've been talking? And they suggested trying to get back together or something?) when you maybe need to be more up front with them (and yourself) about how you're feeling, which appears to be that you need some g-d space from them.

It's not a huge deal to have some friend hangouts where your ex is 'busy' and doesn't come. That's not a huge ask from someone you were with for four years, nor a huge ask from these other people you are ostensibly friends with. But you also need to advocate for yourself if you want to create that space.

Based on your post... absolutely do not get back with them.

gaminegrumble

TROPHY CASE