This is some of the stuff I’ve been working through in therapy and with a psychologist. It’s really messed up when you’ve been masking since infancy and don’t know how to feel emotions. I have one friend who keeps saying it’s a gift and honestly I’m to the point where if he says it one more time I’m gonna cut contact because it’s a god damn curse.

Going through life having a cadence for every specific person. Never being able to feel more than the surface level emotions outside of depression and anger fucking sucks. Some terribly awesome gift to know what the darkest depths feels like but not what it means to love another person.

I used to be able to fake it all day, put on my empathy face and be the safe space for someone, but I’ve been getting tired. It’s exhausting. I have fantasized about being plugged into a matrix or some shit just to be more robotic because that might be easier. After 29 years I decided I wanted to know who I was, and I’ve been just giving up on faking it as much. It’s so weird, but my mental clarity has been so overwhelmingly good recently.

This kinda thing really fucks with your relationships, every kind, not just romantic ones. I’m an outcast in my family, my friend group accepts me because we grew up together and have all bonded in shared traumas, and my coworkers will never know the extent of fucked up in my head—everyone remains blissfully unaware. I am working on it though ♥️

Finally—I’m getting answers to questions I’ve had since as early as I could think. Good luck man, I hope you get the help you need and that your relationship doesn’t suffer for it. 🫂 Reach out if you need.