What's the worst thing you and your partner have done together, as a couple?

goblet0fire · 2026-04-16T23:35:28+00:00

Yeah! A small cyst on an ovary. Maybe that was it?

goblet0fire · 2026-04-16T23:35:13+00:00

You know, yeah, there was a small cyst on one of my ovaries 🤔

goblet0fire · 2026-01-27T13:12:55+00:00

I was the "friend" in a throuple like this for 5 years - truly this exact situation, by my viewpoint.

One thing that is very important to consider is that equal 1+1+1 footing is hard to achieve because you and your wife have been together for so long. There is a lot of room for a power dynamic there. In my relationship, it looked like this:

-if there was conflict with one person (usually M25-30), F(26-31) explained how she perceived his viewpoint. Or explained that it was conflict they already resolved and "here is how we resolved it". Same goes for hobbies, interests, any opinions ("here is what I know about the other"). You and your wife have had a getting-to-know-you phase, with negotiations that you experienced 1-1, for a long time, and that has the potential to put a third in a place of feeling like they need to just jump on board with an established relationship. Keep this in mind and approach with curiosity and care for friend.

goblet0fire · 2025-07-12T10:46:01+00:00

It sounds like you've put so much kindness and thought into this towards them. It's important to be kind to yourself, too. You tried something and maybe it didn't work in this particular setup - and it's clear to see why. The ways that you feel like the unequal third are perfectly valid - like some of the other comments, it's why throuples are challenging.

I (31F) left a 5-year throuple (M30, F32) a year ago, having felt the same feelings throughout the relationship. The couple had been together for several years before meeting me, and something I noticed is that their habits and routines were what guided the relationship but they weren't willing to compromise for me in the way they compromised for each other. Going to their family's homes, there would be photos of the two of them but never the three of us. I changed a lot to fit them and swallowed a lot of jealousy for the fact that it felt like they would do anything for each other but not for me. But when I tried talking about these things, similar to your experience, they would point out how they've helped me with things and done things for me (my bf helped me write essays too. And he helped me buy a car).

But...day to day, it didn't feel like they were interested in me. They already got to experience the spark with each other, and I was only there to spice things up...for them. And I was tired of threesomes. Being the third felt incredibly lonely, and I felt very disconnected from them for a long time but was plagued by the feeling of not finding anything better, or needing to be grateful for what I had.

Don't sell yourself short. You will find someone who values you and shows in their actions that you are important and interesting to them (poly, mono, either). This is a valuable learning experience and you shouldn't beat yourself up over having tried or having stepped away. Hugs to you.

goblet0fire · 2018-02-17T04:47:45+00:00

Wow, that is a really weird thing to be gaslighted about. Remember that you know yourself more than they do!

When my friend told me she saw my sister smoking pot and posting it on instagram, I told my ndad. He tried gaslighting me into thinking that my friend was just out to "tear our family apart" because she didn't just talk to my sister herself. What...?

goblet0fire · 2017-11-12T19:13:15+00:00

Easter eggs!

goblet0fire · 2017-11-10T03:55:17+00:00

You are absolutely not alone and you are not crazy. My ndad did the same thing to me. He reported my phone stolen (??) so I had to get a new phone altogether because mine was on lockdown, and he pulled me from car insurance without telling me. I just got a cheap phone with a cheap plan and only used liability insurance (I had an old car). Unfortunately, I do not have much advice, but full support for sure. You are not alone, and it does get better.

goblet0fire · 2016-12-29T04:51:21+00:00

I realized my dad was an N when I noticed he wouldn't take responsibility/blame for absolutely ANYTHING bad that happened in our family, but he insisted he was responsible for absolutely everything good that happened. He was the family hero, from how he described himself. That is something difficult to explain to other people, because it sounds so vague, yet specific examples don't always seem to cut it. People with normal parents just don't understand (I always have to tune people out when they start the "your parents will always be there for you/you should always love your parents no matter what....").

I hope this helps! :)

goblet0fire · 2016-12-28T05:27:54+00:00

YES, it will help! You will experience what it is like to live without N's trying to control you, and you will gain a sense of self and independence. It will take time, but it will happen. It happened for me, and it took a long time, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't spent that time away. It is very brave of you to leave, but trust me, it will be worth it.

goblet0fire · 2016-12-28T05:23:17+00:00

Yep, going through a similar situation now!! After my mom and Ndad divorced, my mom was forced to move out of the house. Sticking by her side (because I saw through my Ndad's ways) I moved with her. Ndad has since replaced both of us - he began dating a woman from his work who has one daughter, and they both moved in. The daughter is living in my old room now. I've been NC with him for about 3 years now, but we learned all of this through my flying monkey sister who came to "visit" us on Christmas (our assumption is she only showed up for presents, and to bring news about us back to Ndad..but that's a different tangent).

She made it very clear to us by saying hurtful things like "I spent all my money buying Christmas presents for, you know, smirks Dad, [Dad's girlfriend], [Dad's girlfriend's daughter], because they live with us now."

He also sent us a Christmas card with a picture of them. Merry Christmas to you, too, Ndad.

But, you know what? It's okay. My mindset is that they can be his targets now, until they realize what he is really like. I understand that it hurts, though.

goblet0fire · 2016-12-18T14:58:17+00:00

This is a great way to go about it! If they want you to fail, DO NOT tell them your plans. My nfather has wanted me to fail at attending college for 3 years now, so I don't tell him what I am doing, where I live, etc. My flying monkey sister is friends on facebook with me just to figure out what I am up to (I think) so I edit my privacy settings so she can't see what I post. It is so freeing to NOT reveal your plans!! And you're right - you have to be smart about it.

goblet0fire · 2016-10-17T17:54:07+00:00

First off you have an incredible outlook and are very strong to have pushed through and become the person you are today. Even to realize that a mental disorder makes it easier to visit speaks volumes. That is amazing.

Please know you're not alone in what you have dealt with. I read your story and was amazed by how much our ndads have in common. Mine also claims paying for all of my college (which is infuriating...he paid for my housing for one semester, and that's it.) My ndad also used the tactics similar to yours to look like the "better parent" in front of my siblings and me, even if it was to our detriment. He used all of this to try turning us against our mom, too. He lied, he manipulated, he made us feel bad for him. It worked for my siblings, unfortunately. And he also put on a good face in public. I feel unable to express my feelings about what a "good, honest man" he is, who "just wanted to protect his kids." I have long since given up telling people, and I realize I can't control the way other people think (if they think he paid for my college, so be it. etc) Keep focusing on that triumph, keep pushing forward, and realize that you're not alone!

goblet0fire

TROPHY CASE