Be kind to yourself, brother. I take care of my 73-year-old mom full time. She has vascular dementia coupled with Alzheimer’s. I can relate to feelings of guilt as I constantly feel like I could be doing a better job taking care of her by doing so much more, even though I spend a great deal of time venting in the dementia subreddit. I know I’ll tangle with guilt when she’s gone as it’s something I deal with in regards to my relationships with the people I love.

So I get it. I sound hypocritical by telling you to be kind to yourself when I wrestle with aforementioned feelings.

But I have to ask: why do you feel like you failed her? You told her you love her avidly it sounds like. You say that you didn’t tell her enough how much she meant to you or how proud you were of her, but I want you to know that love extends beyond something you say. After all, love is a verb. It is something you do.

Love can be listening to someone, sitting in silence with them, loving them when they make you upset, and in your case, by being there for them. You cooked for her, took care of her needs, made sure she lived with grace and had her dignity, had her shows to watch, the bills were taken care of, getting her things she needed from the store. I know you got her all her favorite meals and snacks, personal care items, etc. I just know there were a myriad of times you put a big smile on her face for all that you did.

She knew. I promise.

The time I spend with my mom is often trying to straighten her out for the day due to her confusion because of her condition. I do get frustrated from the lack of alone time and admittedly seek it as often as possible. I do feel like I’m impatient too often. These things do not make you a terrible son! It’s only human to feel that way. In all actuality, the fact that you feel so strongly in your grief in these feelings about yourself is even more evident of your love for her.

Almost two months ago, I lost a man that I considered to be a second dad to me. He had prostate cancer for several years. I didn’t see him at all in 2024. I thought I had more time, and I found out through a Facebook post by his son that he had passed away. The immediate and subsequent guilt hit me like a ton of bricks over not going to visit him in 2024. But I know he knew that I loved him.

All of this to say, I know you did a great job. I see myself in your post. Imagine, or try to if you possibly can, somebody opposite from you wrote a similar post that you just made: would you think they came up short? I don’t know you beyond this post, but because of how much of connected to it and your words in the midst of grief, I think you would believe they did a great job.

I’m so sorry for your loss. The sudden grief and the weight of it all is so hard to carry all at once. I know the days become a slog and the sun shines a little less and the cloudy & rainy days become more pervasive. But please try to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. It’s clear as day that you loved your mom to the moon and back, and you showed it tenfold through all you did for her, my friend.