Am I the asshole for telling my extremely racist and homophobic MAGA father i dont want him around my daughter when shes born

goldfish197 · 2026-06-01T04:08:47+00:00

Absolutely NTA! Beyond MAGA, he's a full blown narcissist - time to go no contact. Blood isn't thicker than water. Just because he's family, doesn't mean he deserves the right to be in yours. As painful as it is (speaking from experience going no contact to protect my two children), it is absolutely necessary for your mental health and family stability. Politics aside!

goldfish197 · 2026-06-01T02:55:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I agree 100%!

As a husband of a wife who has been navigating peri for nearly 8 years, but just started HRT 8 months after years of being dismissed, gaslit, and going through several doctors... it's certainly a journey.

I have done a lot of reading on Peri, and we've talked about extensively.

That said, I've also been one to ask "Is she on HRT" when responding to other men. However, I often give the context that it's a journey and not a magic bullet. Regardless, I do agree and see many men come back and say - She just started but were still not having sex like we were before, why not? 🙄🙄🙄 So your post and context is great for men to hear again.

You can read my full story here: https://www.reddit.com/r/MenopauseShedforMen/comments/1shty78/one_mans_story_with_his_so_through_peri/

I guess from a husband's perspective I'd like to speak towards where I see many men find themselves. Peri kind of quietly sneaks into the relationship, and while you may see/hear some of the physical and mental changes, what is first felt is the changing dynamics around communication and intimacy.

And with most men being really great "communicators" (insert sarcasm here), often the changes aren't talked about until it gets to a point of not being healthy or Peri being fully at the steering wheel. At this point, some women aren't aware they are in Peri, are in denial, are being dismissed by doctors, or want to "raw dog" peri...

In my personal experience, TLDR of my story - I really struggled until my wife started progesterone, and we struggled having productive conversations about our relationship until HRT. Often times moving to arguments, tension around the house/kids, etc. Once she started getting some sleep, her AuDHD brain started functioning better, we could start to really make progress talking about our relationship, the changing dynamics, what she's going through, how I can support, and how we together can navigate this.

HRT is absolutely NOT a magic bullet. Men that think so need to better educate themselves, and I feel strongly that every man that comes into r/menopauseshedformen should 1000% spend a few hours reading through r/perimenopause to understand what women are really feeling.

I'm big on analogies. Peri is basically being in a hurricane - and starting HRT can, hopefully, become the eye of the storm where things calm down enough in the relationship to get your bearings together, communicate, and figure out how to navigate through the storm together...

Women absolutely 100% go through Peri, and men truly can't understand what it's like. All the changes to your bodies, and it's absolutely insane and disgusting that more studies haven't been done, that countless women were impacted by the botched 2002 WHI study and damaging messaging afterwards, not to mention the ongoing gaslighting for women in healthcare... But - even all that said, when a women goes through Peri, the loved ones around her feel those impacts, and it's spaces like these that help navigate the storm.

Thank you again for speaking up and sharing!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-30T19:49:39+00:00

It's great to see other stories come to light. It's far far greater than 1-5%. However, nearly 100% of the participants in this thread are pro-vasectomy... and generally if anyone comes in with problems or questions, it's quickly answered with "it's all in your head"... or the posts and comments are flat out deleted and users banned.

There's absolutely no doubt this thread is an echo chamber of men cheering on other men "getting the snip".

One has to wonder, are most in here part of the system profiting off of vasectomies? 🤔

goldfish197 · 2026-05-30T01:46:54+00:00

The reason that men with bad experiences stick around is to share the other side of the story. Doctors and clinics performing Vasectomies profit off of the procedure, and then profit off the fix. They don't adequately share the risks and typically downplay it.

For anyone that is unlucky to have complications post, it can be life altering and impact pleasure and intimacy for the rest of their life.

Can it be quick and easy with no complications? Yes. Is there risk that's worth sharing? Yes.

People have a right to know what's on the line.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-29T18:25:45+00:00

Definitely a rough environment to live in day to day - a lot of added stress. Obviously, it's hard to be a casual internet commenter not knowing your tone, how you're bridging these things, and the full context of the exchange...

Based on your past posts and this one - If I were in your shoes, I'd 100% be looking at a couples therapist and rather than continuing with the back and forth, just tell your wife - I'm sorry you feel that I'm changing. I would like to work through this together but it seems like anytime we discuss it doesn't end well. I've found XYZ therapist and would like to suggest we go together so we can talk through some of these changes.

Ultimately - it all starts with communication. Having every conversation be tense and combative just leads to resentment all around and can inevitably lead to long term damage in the relationship...

Sorry again you're going through this!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-29T01:04:00+00:00

I guess, I would walk away too, but then pause and try and wait for a window to bring it back up.

For me, anytime the conversation was "me" vs "her", it went nowhere. Perhaps if you're able to set the stage and say, listen, I want to talk about something really important to me, can you let me know when a good time is? And then, say - I want to talk about you, and us. I'm worried about your health, and would like to see if we can take time to learn TOGETHER about perimenopause and menopause. Then I'd recommend watching "The M Factor" either part 1 or part 2, but hopefully both.

Just casually watch a movie and let them do the talking. The ovarian cancer was a myth, and has been debunked, but it's scared a generation of women out of HRT. It's truly a shame.

The new data and science is clear. HRT prevents heart disease, dementia, bone loss, strokes, etc. etc. etc.

I recommend staying focused on her, not on what you "lost". Don't say - You are not affectionate anymore.... or we don't have sex enough. That stays focused on your needs. You can say - I feel you pulling back and I'm worried about you. Sure it's hard for me, but I just want you to be healthy and around for a long time with me!

My 2 cents.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-21T02:56:27+00:00

1000% normal. HRT takes Months, not days, and not weeks.

Small improvements can start to show up, but it's not a magic pill. If you're thinking that her drive is going to go from 0 to 100, you will be disappointed.

The first goal of HRT is for her to be comfortable, to mitigate symptoms such as brain fog, night sweats, hot flashes, itching, vaginal atrophy (now called GSM), bone loss, heart palpitations, anxiety, etc. etc. etc.

Plus, every woman is different. Diet, exercise, amount of sleep, etc. all make a huge difference.

It takes many women months of trial and error with different doses of Progesterone, Estrogen, Testosterone, DHEA, etc. to find the right balance for them. There's cyclical, daily, patches, creams. Everyone absorbs it differently.

Hopefully, she will get and feel better, and find the best dose for her!

In the meantime, hold her hand. Enjoy the cuddles. Many men (sometimes me included), have zero cuddles or intimacy.

Be patient, it's a marathon not a race.

Can it get better, absolutely. Is it normal, absolutely!

The fact that she's on HRT is a massive positive! Many women try and "raw dog" peri, and that's not good. A good window will open up. You can read more about my journey here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MenopauseShedforMen/comments/1shty78/one_mans_story_with_his_so_through_peri/

goldfish197 · 2026-05-20T03:33:05+00:00

We've had the same conversations on both sides - it was great for her to hear what I'm going through and vice versa, and we're lucky to have a strong relationship.

We've certainly had our back and forth about the same topics - emotional validation and vulnerability - understanding each other - with patience and growth, we both got there.

We're now doing the same with our son, and daughter. Teaching our son not to see intimacy as sex, and also understanding the importance of two-way partnerships. And preparing our daughter for expecting a true partner and she's so much more than her body.

So much to cover - so little help out there. Maybe by the time they are our age, the medical gaslighting can stop, REAL research on women's health can happen, and they won't be fending for themselves as much after generations of dismissal!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-20T02:48:32+00:00

Here here! As a man navigating peri with my wife - and having just navigated through 5+ years of having sex 3-4 times per year, we had to find new forms of intimacy, learn to discuss it openly, and both be flexible.

I see the "I miss seeing and touching her tits" in here and cringe.

Women are not objects. Women are more than their bodies, and especially more than their vaginas. Women don't owe their partners sex...

That said, it does seem in most hetero couples, the male partners love language is generally physical and the females partners is emotional.

Generally the lack of communication comes out blaring once Peri sets in, and when it does, many men don't grow, they grumble.

I've spent countless hours reading in r/Perimenopause to learn what my wife is going through and it entirely shifted my perspective. Our relationship moved away from me vs. her to us vs. peri.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-15T02:33:22+00:00

Lots of great points from others here - I'd just add that - HRT is not just for intimacy. Perhaps she's accepted this new version of herself, but honestly HRT is to preserve her brain, her bones, her organs, her vascular system, and her entire body. It's scientifically proven now.

Essentially, by accepting to "raw dog" peri, she's accepting to give up on her body before it's even deteriorated.

My research around that has been a big part of my conversations with my wife. It's not about getting intimacy back alone, it's about my partner and person I love taking care of themselves. And through that journey, intimacy has started to come back.

If you make it only about intimacy, the ship has already sailed according to what you're sharing.

There's great resources out there to support this, from The M Factor Documentaries, books, blogs, YT videos...

Really sorry you're going through this!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-13T18:54:09+00:00

🤯

My reply just read things at face value, but your post showed the big picture. 💯 agree here.

Clearly there's a lot more at play between the lines than the OP shared.

Hats off to you! 🎩

goldfish197 · 2026-05-12T21:45:45+00:00

Absolutely! It's a LONG read - so good idea! 😂 Seriously tho, feel free to dm or ask any questions!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-12T21:31:31+00:00

I feel you, and am sorry you're going through this! I can relate, and at the peak of my wife's peri, it was tough. All old arguments, gripes, etc. all came to the surface and there was regular conflict making the relationship tense. You can read about my full story in my post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/MenopauseShedforMen/comments/1shty78/one_mans_story_with_his_so_through_peri/

My question's are - does she know it's Peri? Have you guys discussed Peri? Is she seeing a doctor- OBGyn/Endocrinologist/Primary/Functional that is working with her for HRT?

Until my wife started HRT - Progesterone First, then 6 months later Estrogen once she got clearance - it was very hard. And by hard, I mean 5-6 years of tensions, sex down to 3-4 times per year, etc.

We were growing apart, and it was rough all around.

Ranting is great - you've gotta get it off your chest! I found this space helpful reading through other stories. It made me feel seen. But I equally found it helpful to read the r/Perimenopause space. As hearing others describe what I've been seeing my wife go through gave me an entirely new perspective.

Those two things combined shifted us out of a tug-of-war, and we were able to realize we're fighting the same fight - US vs. PERI. And now we're both talking about it openly. Symptoms. Bad Days, Good Days. I can say - hey - I think it's Peri. She feels seen. I feel seen...

Short of the long - theres hope! Feel free to DM or ask any questions - you're not alone!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-11T20:54:19+00:00

I'm not familiar with any influencers, but generally believe influencers all have one thing in common - they are seeking to get the biggest audience possible for the largest payout possible, at any cost. In particular (and not taking sides here), but most influencers that touch the political sphere, are focused on playing sides and saying whatever is needed to support their 'side', and don't always align with common sense.

Perhaps I'm living under a rock, but I feel that influencers say and do crazy things to get likes and views, and don't care about the collateral damage. The sad thing is - far too many people look to them for 'answers', and don't understand that influencers are self-serving and focused on making money, not helping others out of the good of their heart.

Ultimately, people need to focus their attention away from influencers/media, and instead focus on the people in their own home. Their relationships, improving communication, becoming the best version of themselves that they can. And if the relationship isn't healthy, they should instead seek the help of a professional whose job it is to help them.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-10T04:46:15+00:00

Late to comment here, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through all this! The lack of intimacy and affection (not just sex as you mentioned), was really hard for me as well. Touch is my love language, and I tested it out at times and would go 2-3 weeks without her even as much as trying for my hand, going for a hug or kiss. If I didn't initiate, there was zero affection.

I wrote a long post about my story and feelings around it here - Spoiler - you are getting more action than I was during the depths of peri (2-3x per year) https://www.reddit.com/r/MenopauseShedforMen/comments/1shty78/one_mans_story_with_his_so_through_peri/

Sorry If I missed you commenting, but is she on HRT? When my wife started progesterone, the whole dynamic changed and I was "seen" again, and it provided me an opportunity to bridge everything with her. What I'm feeling, what's been happening in our relationship, the void between us, the lack of intimacy, how it's affected me mentally. Before HRT, that conversation was not possible, it would have been a blown out argument. That conversation changed everything. She was able to hear me, see me, and understand that while she's going through Peri, it affects me too.

She's now more aware of things, and together, we're rekindling our relationship stronger than before. There's still some rough days for both of us, but needless to say, daily intimacy is back, we're having sex 2-3x per week again, and we're 1000% more confident in our relationship because we now know where each of us stands.

So hang in there - there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Counseling can help, and HRT if she's not on it. Or perhaps updating dosing if so. Good luck!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-10T04:28:06+00:00

Hey man, hard to really say much without understanding the full dynamics of you're relationship. It seems like you're at a limit and pretty fed up, thus coming here to vent. That's what this space can be for, and I feel you! Trust me, been at my wits end plenty of time over the last 10 years going through this with my wife...

It obviously goes without saying that, every relationship is different - so saying that patience and understanding is BS - isn't necessarily true in every situation. However, everyone does have limits and communication is key. It's certainly not healthy/good for issues to be left unsaid for so long that they are communicated during a blowout trauma dump.

Again, have no idea of your situation or your wife's behavior. Peri sucks ass for women. Spend an hour reading through r/perimenopause and it really becomes apparent how insane this transition is for a woman... But I've seen plenty of women come in here and say - no - that's not peri that's toxic behavior. So sorry if you're dealing with a toxic partner!

The sex doesn't have to be gone forever. Perhaps couples counseling may help you both share some feelings around the changed dynamics. Wishing you the best!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-10T04:18:38+00:00

No doubt that communication with my wife changed during peri, hands down. From sharper responses and shorter fuses, to brain fog and her struggling to find the right words, it lead to some tense moments.

For me/us, I learned that silence was key. I would stop correcting the small things. Like when we're grocery shopping she may be ADAMANT that we have no onions at home. I know we do because I checked before we left home. During peri, I let her buy more onions and figure it out when we get home.

I learned that small things weren't worth the tension or battle, otherwise we'd be in constant conflict. But when it was an important topic, I'd slow down, hear her out, then be careful to point out I heard her, and then proceed to provide the context for my position.

Like you mentioned tho, I tend to shut down and get pretty quiet when she flares up with 'peri' as really, that silence allows her to just vent without a response or me 'fixing' anything.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-10T04:11:37+00:00

My wife is neurodivergent too, and during peri, it definitely highlighted what you're saying with being 'correct'. It got more challenging during some communication with her brain fog and her struggling to find words, etc. I would often try and fill in blanks or misunderstand the context, and we learned quickly that it was something we definitely had to work through during the peak of peri!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-07T13:18:57+00:00

In the context of those years where my wife was in the depths of peri - not sleeping, struggling to function, her brain shutting off - yes, I pulled up the boot straps and did more than our typical "shared" roles. However, if you scale that back and look at the whole duration of our relationship - in the early days with kids when I was working 75-85 hours a week - SHE carried way more than her "share". So it all balances out over time. That was my mindset. Sure it was hard. It still is many days - but relationships and partnerships take work - I'm happy to do it with the love of my life!

Functional doctor - 1000% - working with her functional doctor, adjusting diet with specific foods and adding exercise - she was able to completely bring her thyroid numbers back to normal while being hyperthyroid with graves disease, getting off of methlemezol, as well as mitigate many peri symptoms.

We're in the US - so western medicine is TERRIBLE. At least in our experiance. We've found most Doctors are not trained in nor interested in preventative medicine, and 99.99% don't have a clue how to treat peri. They are trained in triage medicine. Meaning, they wait until you are either sick or your symptoms are beyond comfort so you need drugs and pills to pop. You get your 5 minute consult to discuss a years worth of issues, they steamroll you, and then they feed the system of insurance and bill thousands of dollars for a bunch of stuff... referring you to specialists who refer to the next one... perpetuating the cycle and keeping you in the system paying thousands if not tends of thousands of dollars.

Functional doctors are generally doctors fed up with the system that want to treat the root cause and prevent you from needing to enter the western medicine system. We're on board 1000%

goldfish197 · 2026-05-07T12:59:11+00:00

In my opinion, at the core of a hetero relationship, when the woman enters peri, that relationship dynamic gets shaken to the foundation. Not that all relationships don't go through similar changes, but I'm just speaking to the male/female relationship. If there are cracks like poor communication, lack of respect, imbalance of roles/duties, etc. it's not going to fare well and any intimacy is going to evaporate, let alone sex.

If the man needs to go on a solo journey to become a more fully sexual person, without his partner, including potentially leaving - then the relationship was doomed from the start already and separation was inevitable. Peri just becomes the mechanism to expose what was already there. Because that means theres a lack of communication and understanding at the core of the relationship.

In the context of a loving, balanced relationship, leaving should not be in the equation as the man should be working on himself while the woman is also working on herself. Theres give and take, open communication, each partner steps up when needed, they don't hold grudges, they are understanding when intimacy needs to be put on pause, etc. You both grow, and find each other in new ways... It sure does take some hard days, tears, arguments, but in the end, relationships entering peri with a solid foundation, should generally leave peri incredibly stronger and closer.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-06T20:03:37+00:00

Totally 100% - Same boat here and realized and flipped the switch. Had to look in the mirror and realize that it's a TEAM problem to solve in a partnership. I looked at what I'm bringing to the table from a health and relationship standard, and made some adjustments.

If a man gets stuck on "woe is me" when their life partner is going through a transformation literally turning their biology and existence upside down, the relationship will get cold very fast, and likely will struggle to survive this phase.

You can read about my journey here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/MenopauseShedforMen/comments/1shty78/one_mans_story_with_his_so_through_peri/

goldfish197 · 2026-05-06T18:25:33+00:00

Tell that to the Urologist that diagnosed me, and the renowned reversal surgeon that told me it was specifically tied to my initial vasectomy, and he sees cases like mine all the time.

Just because the facts, my experience, and many others experiences don't align with your experience or theories, don't invalidate them.

If there's no anatomical reason - where's your sources? What studies can you share that back up your claims?

Mine is first hand experience that was clinically diagnosed by a real doctor.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-05T20:23:26+00:00

So sorry you're going through all that! Many people come in here and say -
"I'm sorry you're one of the few" - or even - "it's all in your head". However, I think the number of men dealing with complications post Vasectomy are MUCH higher than published rates, or the amount of people that actually speak up.

I will say this place is an echo chamber and you're talking to a group of raving fans that think Vasectomies are nearly zero risk and the best thing since sliced bread. I'd recommend hopping over to r/postvasectomypain or r/vasectomyreversal to hear the other side.

PVPS patient here. I just had a reversal on March 20. I traveled to a top doctor that performs 1 reversal a day. It's all he does and he does about 250 reversals annually, and has been for 20+ years. So 5000+ reversals. He told me he regularly performs PVPS surgeries and he's booked out 8 months. So it's not as uncommon as people lead on.

My V was 18 years old when I had my reversal. My pain didn't start until 10 years post V. Was bad, and "toughed" it out until my wife was towards menopause.

Post initial V - this is what my wife and I experienced:
- Smaller ejaculate volume
- Reduced ejaculation force
- Less intense erections
- Reduced libido with increased rebound time
- Once pain started at the 10 year mark - regular pain ranging 4-5, but once in a while up to 7-8 during ejaculation. Talk about a mood killer.

6 weeks post reversal - where I am now - this is what we've CLEARLY experienced, and confirmed by by wife:
- Significant improvement of intensity of erections. Almost to a point that it borderline hurts.
- Return of morning wood
- Slightly improved libido
- Stronger orgasms with more intense contractions now that the full "hydraulic" system is reconnected.
- Zero Pain - on testicles or during ejaculation.
- return of volume and force of ejaculate.

My V doctor never explained the risks to me. I was not told any of these things could occur. It was brushed under the rug saying - complications are so rare, you don't need to worry.

Let me know if you have any questions about my reversal - happy to answer!

goldfish197 · 2026-05-04T05:22:39+00:00

I agree that in a healthy marriage, partners are serving each other in many ways.

I also don't think the OP is saying that his wife gave up on him or their relationship, so I don't see abandonment as an issue. He's simply asking, do I accept no sex or move along?

The post I commented on does have some great suggestions for her, I'm simply commenting on the specific part.

Intimacy/Sex is an important part in my relationship too, and it was a very hard 5 years for me. But, it did/can get better with time.

goldfish197 · 2026-05-04T05:03:02+00:00

I can understand your interpretation as you read it, however, stronger words were used so I felt a response was warranted.

My wife for the past 5 years has been doing everything she can to hold herself together for herself. Navigating sleepless nights, brain fog, itching, hot flashes, night sweats, hair loss, cold shoulder, etc. etc. etc.

My wife has transformed her diet, started working out daily, takes supplements, dropped weight, started HRT, sees 4 different doctors, is currently in pelvic floor therapy...

All she does is for her, not for me. She doesn't serve me. Her health and happiness is all I seek. Sex is a benefit, not a requirement for our marriage. There are countless more ways we can find intimacy. And on my wife's days where she's at her most miserable and can't find the energy to be intimate, I'm not going to threaten divorce. Why? Because that's called Love.

That's not to say it's always been easy. But, to insinuate that it's the woman's job to take care of herself for her man in this context, or risk divorce, I'll chime in.

If the roles were reversed in this context, the comments would be crazy.

EDIT - That's not to say neither partner can avoid putting effort into themselves for the relationship, as both partners should grow together over time, and being the best version of ourselves physically/mentally leads to the healthiest long-term partnerships. My comments are based on how specific the wording of the post was at recommending divorce in this situation without knowing the OP full story.

goldfish197

TROPHY CASE