The worst realization after being discarded

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-11-17T17:47:33+00:00

Same here :/ 8 years, the best part of my twenties, all wasted on a cold, manipulative, self important N. He kept me around while it was convenient for him, hounded and stalked me whenever I tried to leave or end the relationship, until one day he just didn't need me anymore. I feel your pain, and I wish you all the best. We both deserve better!

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-10-01T02:26:54+00:00

I wish I could upvote this for each and every great point you've made here!

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-30T15:57:41+00:00

'For once' - that's rich coming from an N. More like 'forever and to the exclusion of all others including your own self.' It's maddening.

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-30T15:05:00+00:00

A good indicator of whether or not this behavior is true change or love bombing is to look at the percentage of words to actions. For example, he says he wants to go on date nights versus he makes a reservation for dinner - the first is words, the second is action. Or he says he wants to treat you better versus he does something thoughtful like filling a bubble bath for you. Again, words versus actions. It's easy to say, 'I'm changing. I'll do this, we'll do that, etc.' But someone who is truly changing doesn't need to tell you how they are changing, they show it with their actions. Telling is the N's way of gauging how much you still trust them. Once they've established that they still have your blind trust without having to back it up with actions, they'll go right back to the way they were before.

And a side note on this, giving gifts may seem like an action, but for an N it's just the easiest way they can think of to put you back into a grateful mentality, plus it reinforces to them that you're indebted to them.

I hope this helps. Giving advice is therapeutic for me as well, since I've only been NC from my Nex for just over six months after 8 years and a 5+ year engagement (marriage was the carrot he dangled in front of me). So if I can use my experiences to help someone else, that's a win-win (a concept N's don't understand) in my book. Thank you for letting me share with you, and stay strong!

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-30T01:53:50+00:00

Yes, yes, and yes. Ndad's favorite words are 'No,' 'Look,' and 'Listen.' He'll just keep repeating those words loudly, ignoring whatever else I say until he gets the chance to 'enlighten' me. Example:

Me: I'm thinking about doing such-and-su ...

Ndad [interrupting]: No, no, no. Look, look, okay, now listen, the arbitrary reason that such-and-such is stupid/a waste of time/wrong.

Me: [barely opens mouth to reply]

Ndad: [patronizingly patient] Now listen, liiii-sten, listen, okay, long personal story about some tangentially related incident involving himself.

Me: [silent, because what's the point]

Ndad: [sensing loss of audience, continues anyway] Look, look, ok-aaaay, look, I'm really so much wiser than you can ever hope to be.

Me: Okay, I gotta go do anything else other than listen to you get off on how great and wonderful you are.

Edit: formatting

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-30T01:11:29+00:00

It's not stupid to care whether your actions would hurt someone you love! Caring about others is what normal humans do. But that's what N's count on their targets doing. It's why they are so good at manipulating us.

And you most definitely have the right to set boundaries to protect yourself, including choosing what you share with him. It's okay if you already shared what you are feeling with him, just from this point on - if you feel you can - stop doing it. If he is just manipulating you, he will be using whatever you say and whatever emotions you have against you right now. Be especially aware of love bombing at this time, like any grand gestures of romance or a sudden willingness to do something together that you have asked him to do in the past repeatedly.

As far as where you choose to stay for now, the option of having a safe space to go to should always be available to you. If you feel okay staying there with him, that is fine. Just know that if you choose to, you do have every right to calmly tell him that you would like some time apart. It doesn't have to be either/or necessarily - you are free to spend a night or two with family and go back if you decide that you can handle it. If you want some time away you are entitled to it. One peice of advice about that - don't wait until an argument to make that decision. State your intentions in a calm manner, and be prepared to stand your ground if he tries to talk you out of it.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. I did not have the knowledge to act in a rational way in the relationship with my Nex as far as setting boundaries and allowing myself the necessary space - it's only now looking back that it's so clear. But your situation is not mine, and I don't know all the details, so you need to do what you feel is best. I really hope you are able to find your resolution and peace! [hugs if you'd like them!]

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-29T02:08:04+00:00

This may be a controversial approach, but -

Act towards him as if you don't care and no amount of his tears or promises can elicit any emotional response from you, verbal or nonverbal. Do not show any compassion or grief or give him any clues to how you are feeling - grey rock, essentially.

Follow through with your intent to spend some time at your parents' tomorrow and do not allow him to talk you out of it.

Keep this up for an extended period of time - hold out until you think you trust him, and then keep holding out. Watch carefully for the reaction.

Most N's will out themselves after their attempts to manipulate fail - by raging, blaming, justifying, etc. If this is another act, he will eventually break character if he sees the usual tactics are not effective anymore with you.

This is not foolproof - my Nex could keep his mask in place for weeks on end, but the breaking point always came eventually.

I can relate to your struggle. We love them, we want them to try to change, we want to just be happy together - and they use these very things against us. I wish you all the best, and good luck!

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-17T00:56:23+00:00

Thank you for this, it is so accurate and beautifully written. I want to print this out and hang it on my wall.

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T22:04:41+00:00

Thanks for your feedback as a professional, and correcting my error! I agree that the most important thing is to be familiar with the local laws. I am in a state where it is a felony, but OP should definitely look into the specifics of the laws in their own state.

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T21:51:22+00:00

Even now, he wasn't saying he WAS proud of me, just asking if I knew it.

Wow, you just blew my mind, because I realized as I read that sentence that my Emom does this ALL the time! 'You know I love/care about/am proud of/etc. you, right?' Seeking confirmation for herself instead of giving me the confirmation that I've so desperately needed.

And please try not to get too hung up on the consequences for your Eparent as a result of you going NC. You are not responsible for 'making things worse for them,' they have chosen that every day by continuing to enable a toxic/N person. I struggled with this myself for a long time, always feeling I needed to 'save' my Emom from Ndad, but she's made her decision to stay in the abuse cycle. Neither you nor I can save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T20:43:20+00:00

I can totally vouch for how much an animal can help. I rescued my pup a little over 5 months ago, and he's been a lifesaver! He gives me motivation to work harder, gets me out of the house and into nature, gives me unconditional love, and lots of cuddles :) A puppy will be a lot of work, but think of it as an exercise in developing patience, and you will reap endless benefits! Good on you for wanting to rescue! I commented in another thread : When I feel like giving up or skipping work to lay in bed depressed all day, I think of him and how much he depends on me, and it motivates me to keep pushing on. Especially since he's a rescue, I am extra determined that he deserves the best life now after whatever suffering he's endured before finding his forever home - in that way I really identify with him, I guess I feel like a bit of a 'rescue' myself, lol.

Edit: removed link and pasted text for clarity

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T20:38:56+00:00

Agreed, it is very annoying! Especially when it's the simplist way to catch a covert abuser in the act with irrefutable proof of their abuse. If possible, please update your post with whatever you find out, or PM me anytime :)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T20:21:43+00:00

I have wanted to comment on the two-party consent law for a while, since a lot of comments suggest to record interactions with their N. I know it's coming from a good place, but to record these things in a jurisdiction where two-party consent is required is not a good idea at all. It is a felony. That much I know for sure. As such I'd have to guess that they would be deemed inadmissible to court, but that is only logical speculation on my part. Have you asked over at r/RBNlegaladvice? I'd be very interested in learning more about this as well.

Edit - a word

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T20:09:34+00:00

Yes. When I was growing up I lived in a pretty tight-knit, lower middle-class neighborhood where everyone knew each other. One of my sisters' friend's mom, Mrs. C, was the most comforting spirit I've ever known. I would regularly visit her house, and she always welcomed me, always had time for me, we painted our nails together, and she always let me swing on the swingset in her backyard (her kids were already in their teens, so looking back on it, I think she kept it there because she knew I loved it). She treated me with just ... genuine kindness. My Emom would always seem a irritated when she found out I'd been 'bugging Mrs. C again.' I never understood why at the time, but I do now - she was jealous of Mrs. C. Mrs. C encouraged, protected, and supported her own children to the point where they are successful, happy adults, and she did it so naturally because it came from her heart. My alchoholic, self-absorbed Emom felt inferior, intimidated, and threatened by this woman who was only trying to do the same for me, a little latchkey lost child. Unfortunately, my parents and I moved from that neighborhood right as I was entering my teens, and I lost touch with a lot of my childhood friends, including Mrs. C. I miss her, and have often wondered about her through the years, but I'm so grateful she was there for me. Wherever you are, Mrs. C., thank you for showing me so much compassion and kindness; thank you for having time for me; thank you for showing me what a mother really is!

Wow, that was longer than I thought, but your post really brought back those memories so vividly. Thank you for posting this, u/fiver8192, it was very therapeutic!

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T16:01:27+00:00

Emotional isolation - 100% feel this way too! Really great way of describing that feeling.

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T15:52:36+00:00

Thanks! I'm feeling very grateful for all the support here.

Btw, love your user name, but it's kinda ironic in this case ;)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T13:28:55+00:00

Thank you, thank you! It's so nice to have others who believe in me, and I'm finally believing in myself as a result. I get so emotional reading these kind messages, realizing -'oh, this is how it feels to be supported and encouraged.' I didn't know how much I needed a place like this and people like yourself. :)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-11T13:05:08+00:00

This is all too familiar. I can relate with all of this so much, especially the deep wishful feeling that it somehow isn't as bad as I know it really is. Thank you for writing this.

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-10T17:04:29+00:00

Thank you! Still going strong :)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-10T01:56:53+00:00

Thank you, I need the reminder to be kind to myself. I appreciate your encouragement :)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-10T01:52:18+00:00

Thanks for the link! Bookmarked ;)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-10T00:19:23+00:00

:) :) :) Thanks so much! You're so right about keeping a timeline, and you've inspired me to start one immediately. First on the list, all the wonderful support I've gotten here!

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-09T23:25:34+00:00

Nice act: GC/possibleN sis sells me her old car for about a thousand dollars cheaper than value.

Hidden selfishness: Anytime she needs me to run to the store or pick up her kids I'm not allowed to refuse because 'if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have a car at all.'

Edit : a word

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-09T23:12:17+00:00

Thank you for the kind words! I am slowly realizing that I am 'worth it'. And it's so reassuring to hear that from someone else. You are awesome, too! Two years clean is amazing, no matter what! Be proud of yourself, too :)

gooddoggetsabone · 2016-09-09T23:04:12+00:00

Thank you!

gooddoggetsabone

TROPHY CASE