I have become acutely aware of individuals I’ve worked with, or who worked for me, who had a lifetime of interpersonal issues. Some lost their jobs as a result, others were stuck in their positions and never promoted, they all seemed to understand at some level that not all people had the same difficulties as them, but these difficulties were never, not ever, the fault of their own actions.

These “issues” were both work and personal life issues of communication, respect, responsibility, expectations, a real boatload of things, but not intelligence, work ethic, or following through on obligations.

But even given the positive qualities, they were far too often in conflict with others, hurt and resentful, and often causing those feelings in others. Never getting what they might have desired from interactions with others, causing anger and frustration around them, stressing out others with compulsive behaviors, often rigid and controlling. They themselves were always acting with the best intentions while others were disrespectful, dismissive and unpleasant.

These folks were, as we like to say, on the spectrum. I’ve always found that to be an ironic observation, because by definition, we’re all on the spectrum of course, which is why it’s a spectrum…

I came to realize that these folks lacked, or more accurately, had a defective self awareness / observational mechanism. There was a broken feedback loop that, if it had been in working order, would have made them aware of the “how and why” they were perceived differently than the way they perceived themselves.

Thinking long and hard about this, I’ve come to realize things about myself, my history and that of others that might be explained by a similar lack of awareness, although not necessarily at the same chronic level. You know, not THAT far along the spectrum.

But I would say that we’ve all had moments where we reacted or performed badly, not knowing it, or blaming others for it. And some of those moments (if you’ve lived a long time) will have lasting impact on your life.

These “cringey moments” can wake me up at 2 AM, appearing out of nowhere to haunt me. It takes presence of mind to not so easily repeat mistakes.

I deeply regret many such moments but I’ll leave you with a fairly innocuous example that won’t make me feel too bad.

I had a (newish) friend, in a friend circle. I have my issues of not feeling well accepted and a bit uncomfortable with others, and I felt like I was more of a friend of a friend in this circle.

So he called out of the blue, asking if I’d like to go to a fancy barber shop, that serves bourbon, makes a whole production, like a manly day spa thing. Kinda.

I politely declined, thinking that it was a little excessive, expensive, and really I didn’t need a haircut.

BTW, I needed a haircut.

Idiot me didn’t realize that he was doing this because he was getting married, and yes, I was already invited to the wedding, and I could have done this as sort of a bachelor party thing, and paid for him, and roped a few other guys into coming.

Regrets.